How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a rough point in the admission season. Let her mourn. I would try not to talk about the decisions yet to come. If the subject of college is going to be discussed, I'd be comparing the current excellent options, which would be her preference, looking at admitted student groups, housing options, etc.

Keep in mind (perhaps without discussing with her) that experts predict extensive waitlist use this year, so while it's hard to judge from where you sit now, a waitlist acceptance is possible, especially if you are full pay.

As has been explained above, the "safeties" she's fortunate to be accepted to were actually targets due to low acceptance rates. Move them to the target category.

You are not the only one to notice that this is a crazy year for college admission - it has been in the press, see e.g. Melissa Korn at WSJ - and there will be many a college counselor with unfortunate egg on their faces for inaccurate predictions.

This! Best piece of advice I ever picked up on DCUM was, when figuring out safeties vs. matches for my kid, if the acceptance rate is 30 percent or less, it’s not a safety. Even if your kid’s stats are over the 75th percentile for test scores and above the average GPA. Consider it a strong match, but not a safety.

Grinnell’s acceptance rate is 23 percent, Skidmore’s is 30. Even though W&M is in the upper 30s, everyone knows it’s harder for girls to get accepted.

PP here. I'd even go further, a safety needs to be >50% overall acceptance rate. 30-50 match, <30% reach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s unfortunate that only certain viewpoints are tolerated on DCUM. Public free speech, indeed.

People are free to say whatever stupid things they want to say; the rest of us are free to call them out on their stupidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

I'm a "tough" PP. OP asked how to handle it and people are responding to point out the reality of the situation. She has the same stats as a thousand kids in the DMV area because there are tons of super-smart, motivated, exceptional kids here. Multiply that across all the urban areas in the country. It's a numbers game, period. That is the reality. And, she did, in fact, "win" as one pp pointed out. She can be disappointed, sure, but at some point looking at the reality of the situation will help her further along. Not to mention being grateful for her extraordinary leg up and to be mindful of reading the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

I think one issue is that OP doesn't realize that coming from a "Big 5" doesn't carry the same weight it might have once. This country is full of kids in public schools in areas outside of major urban centers who also work really hard, do extracurriculars, sports, and so forth, and also have great grades and test scores. Elite colleges want more of these kids, have the funds to subsidize their educations, and are less and less interested in hot-housed private school kids. Basically, take away "top 5 private" and OP's kid looks just like thousands and thousands of other kids around the country; nothing special or standout. She sounds like a smart, hard-working kid, and is getting accepted into exactly the match schools that suit her level of achievement. The issue is she thought she was better than that, but she really isn't.

This is it exactly. OP has told her daughter that she's made of magic because she was accepted to a well-known private. I chuckled to myself when the other pp chimed in about how hard they worked in a Big 3 twenty years ago, the hours, the stress, the extracurriculars. We all did, bub. There are bright, driven kids at public and parochial schools in cities and towns and suburbs all over America staying up until 1 to finish homework for 5 APs and run their lines for the school play and then getting up at 6:30 to make it to cross-country practice. The problem isn't that these private school kids work uniquely hard in a "pressure cooker" or whatever they tell themselves. The problem is that they think don't realize it's happening everywhere, and they believe that they could have put in far less effort and ended up in the same, or nearly the same place. OP's kid should be glad she busted her hump in high school, because it affords her the opportunity to choose among very good schools for college. She should not believe, as she evidently does, that she was guaranteed a spot at a school like Grinnell or W&M simply by virtue of her alma mater, and that extra effort meant she was destined for an Ivy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

It is very unhealthy to have your “whole identity” wrapped up in one thing.

Those are the type of people who kill themselves when the one thing goes south.

Maybe this will teach healthy balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

It is very unhealthy to have your “whole identity” wrapped up in one thing.

Those are the type of people who kill themselves when the one thing goes south.

Maybe this will teach healthy balance.

+1 If one’s entire identity is wrapped up in getting into a selective college, that’s not an explanation for frustration. That’s the main problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

OP, your DD is still working with the wrong assumption. This cycle, had she "enjoyed life a little more" she probably wouldn't have W&M or her SLACs to choose from. Emphasising this part is how to turn her from being upset to being grateful. Having her understand that her hard work DID pay off, but this year doesn't buy as much as years before. But it did buy her something, and that "something" is really quite impressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly ^^. You should not tell her it was the year. It’s not.

20 years from know a bunch of grown adults will be walking around muttering, "If it hand't been for that stoopid pandemic, I would have gone to Yale."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s unfortunate that only certain viewpoints are tolerated on DCUM. Public free speech, indeed.

You seem confused about what free speech is (multiple levels of confusion)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

I disagree vehemently with this line of thinking. One of my kids was a top student, a true intellectual, had excellent test scores, and was heavily involved in extracurriculars. Still, she knew how college admissions worked and didn't talk of "dream" schools. Her college list was, I'll bet, a lot like the OP's: Brown, Wesleyan, Carleton, Grinnell, and William & Mary. Brown was a reach, obviously, and she didn't even blink when she didn't get in. She thought Wesleyan to be a match, it looked that way on paper, and it was her first choice -- but Wesleyan rejected her too, while accepting her best friend. Carleton, on the other hand, accepted my daughter and rejected the best friend, confirming that at this level it really is a crapshoot. In the end, my daughter ended up at Grinnell and absolutely loved it, and she certainly didn't mope and regret all of her hard work in high school. Unlike OP and her daughter, she realized how lucky and privileged she is, and she reacted like a grown up.

[Anonymous]

This thread seems to have touched a nerve. I think this year has opened the eyes of the privileged regarding what happens when the masses awaken. In the past, private school kids in metros knew they would apply to elite schools, and they expected great results. With test optional, smart kids across the country of varying or no levels of privilege applied to the same schools. With greater competition, it’s less clear, now and in the future, that the privileged will have the access they once enjoyed. Many are mourning the loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread seems to have touched a nerve. I think this year has opened the eyes of the privileged regarding what happens when the masses awaken. In the past, private school kids in metros knew they would apply to elite schools, and they expected great results. With test optional, smart kids across the country of varying or no levels of privilege applied to the same schools. With greater competition, it’s less clear, now and in the future, that the privileged will have the access they once enjoyed. Many are mourning the loss.

Did the “masses awaken,” or did a pandemic hit, which made it unfeasible for a number of months to administer standardized testing, and therefore out of fairness schools went test optional? Plus grading, extracurriculars, letters of recommendation all in flux made this year’s cycle a free for all. Just sayin’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is one of the average kids at our “Big 5”. Thought she’d be recruited for sports but it hasn’t worked out. Her reach schools aren’t close to being on the same level as your safeties. I will never stand around with DC moms and be able to brag about her school acceptances. I would get pity, all that money for “those” schools....

But she is excited about going to college and thinks that she’ll be happy at all the schools we’ve looked at, she can’t wait to play her sport for a club or intramural team since she can’t get on the varsity team. She is excited to find her place no matter where she ends up. And get a roommate, meet kids from other places, figure out the tutoring services, and get Chik FIL A (so many CFAs!) And that makes me so proud of her.

That is great! She will do well in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s unfortunate that only certain viewpoints are tolerated on DCUM. Public free speech, indeed.

You seem confused about what free speech is (multiple levels of confusion)

I laughed when I saw this “public free speech” comment, but I have decided to be charitable and assume the PP meant to post it on some other thread (maybe in Politics?) where it might conceivably make sense. I refuse to believe anyone is so misguided that they actually think OP’s constitutional rights are being violated because most posters disagree with her take on her daughter’s situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

I disagree vehemently with this line of thinking. One of my kids was a top student, a true intellectual, had excellent test scores, and was heavily involved in extracurriculars. Still, she knew how college admissions worked and didn't talk of "dream" schools. Her college list was, I'll bet, a lot like the OP's: Brown, Wesleyan, Carleton, Grinnell, and William & Mary. Brown was a reach, obviously, and she didn't even blink when she didn't get in. She thought Wesleyan to be a match, it looked that way on paper, and it was her first choice -- but Wesleyan rejected her too, while accepting her best friend. Carleton, on the other hand, accepted my daughter and rejected the best friend, confirming that at this level it really is a crapshoot. In the end, my daughter ended up at Grinnell and absolutely loved it, and she certainly didn't mope and regret all of her hard work in high school. Unlike OP and her daughter, she realized how lucky and privileged she is, and she reacted like a grown up.

It is a crapshoot. I was looking at Naviance and noticed that there was a student with a 1600 SAT and almost perfect grades and he/she didn't get into Wesleyan but did get into Carleton. Glad that your DD loved Grinnell. They are all great schools.