How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was a once in a generation anomaly of a year in college admissions and yea, your DC was unlucky in that respect. DC has good options or take a gap year and wait for the market to reset next year.....those are the only two options and either one is fine.

Taking a gap year won't solve her college acceptance list, unless you are suggesting she re-apply with the credentials of the gap year? That doesn't really work.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps, what’s really going on is disappointment regarding the result of years of private schooling costs. Essentially, the poster’s current college choices are no better than those of top kids from VA public high schools. Admission to Yale or Princeton or Williams or Amherst would have provided the snob factor the poster and their child were looking for. William and Mary, though a great school at a great price, is a consolation prize for such attitudes. I think the message for your daughter and yourself is that high-achieving and ambitious people are everywhere, not just at snobby outposts. Perhaps, it will be good for your daughter to hang-out with smart students in an environment of greater socioeconomic diversity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have a high achiever who would have been disappointed if she went to one of her safeties. Anyone would be hurt after two ED rejections. This is a tough year.

W&M Monroe is a great option for a lot of Va folks on this board, but I know my kid and almost all others at our school and in our circle (not a big 3) are hoping to leave the area and go somewhere new where they aren’t going to be one of hundreds from Nova.

It’s not exactly a lottery in that kids put a lot of work into their high school academics and activities, and then more work crafting great essays for each school. Sure, kids can be prepped for disappointing news, but after a pandemic and everything else these kids have been through, I think we can have a bit of empathy that this is a hard process.

But DCUM would rather name call and pile on. Sorry, OP. I hope your daughter gets some good news soon.

And thus Grinnell, which is every bit as good of a SLAC as the small New England schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have a high achiever who would have been disappointed if she went to one of her safeties. Anyone would be hurt after two ED rejections. This is a tough year.

W&M Monroe is a great option for a lot of Va folks on this board, but I know my kid and almost all others at our school and in our circle (not a big 3) are hoping to leave the area and go somewhere new where they aren’t going to be one of hundreds from Nova.

It’s not exactly a lottery in that kids put a lot of work into their high school academics and activities, and then more work crafting great essays for each school. Sure, kids can be prepped for disappointing news, but after a pandemic and everything else these kids have been through, I think we can have a bit of empathy that this is a hard process.

But DCUM would rather name call and pile on. Sorry, OP. I hope your daughter gets some good news soon.

It's a lottery. There are FAR more qualified kids than spots at all of the "top" colleges -- and frankly, at many of the lesser-ranked schools. Lots of kids work hard to qualify for that lottery, but there are just no guarantees.

I think that OP's daughter has had her expectations overhyped. She got into three very good schools so far, and thinking of attending them as a waste is both objectively ridiculous and not constructive. She'll get there and be surrounded by smart, hardworking, talented kids.

Also, don't apply to a "safety" that you wouldn't actually want to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a once in a generation anomaly of a year in college admissions and yea, your DC was unlucky in that respect. DC has good options or take a gap year and wait for the market to reset next year.....those are the only two options and either one is fine.

Taking a gap year won't solve her college acceptance list, unless you are suggesting she re-apply with the credentials of the gap year? That doesn't really work.

One of DCs friends did a gap year for this reason. Wanted to go to a HYS level school, had a rough admissions year (much worse than OP) and did a gap year to reapply. The next year she was admitted to...W&M. So agree the gap year strategy won’t result in better outcomes than OP already has.

[Anonymous]

She sounds very spoiled. She has great options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps, what’s really going on is disappointment regarding the result of years of private schooling costs. Essentially, the poster’s current college choices are no better than those of top kids from VA public high schools. Admission to Yale or Princeton or Williams or Amherst would have provided the snob factor the poster and their child were looking for. William and Mary, though a great school at a great price, is a consolation prize for such attitudes. I think the message for your daughter and yourself is that high-achieving and ambitious people are everywhere, not just at snobby outposts. Perhaps, it will be good for your daughter to hang-out with smart students in an environment of greater socioeconomic diversity.

I kind of feel like there's a grain of truth to this. Like, these are three objectively good schools. And they have different attributes, so OP's daughter can choose which environment feels right for her. And when she gets there, she'll be surrounded by smart, accomplished students. I get that it's tough to get turned down by your first choice, but she has good options and she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself. Such a narrow view of what counts as success is not setting her up to be happy in life.

[Anonymous]

I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a once in a generation anomaly of a year in college admissions and yea, your DC was unlucky in that respect. DC has good options or take a gap year and wait for the market to reset next year.....those are the only two options and either one is fine.

Taking a gap year won't solve her college acceptance list, unless you are suggesting she re-apply with the credentials of the gap year? That doesn't really work.

One of DCs friends did a gap year for this reason. Wanted to go to a HYS level school, had a rough admissions year (much worse than OP) and did a gap year to reapply. The next year she was admitted to...W&M. So agree the gap year strategy won’t result in better outcomes than OP already has.

I think you guys are missing the fact that we have been in a global pandemic. Many kids who would’ve gone to school in the fall of 2020 decided to defer. In addition, many schools are test optional so a lot of kids apply to schools they wouldn’t have tried otherwise.There were many more applications than normal this year. This was a very tough year to apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

Also, I never did end up feeling good about my college choice. My father is very disappointed. I think you need to get really positive, stat. I swear I think my dad is still disappointed about my college options, decades later.

[Anonymous]

Your kid wants an Ivy, obviously. But Skidmore, Grinnell, W&M Monroe are all excellent.

She should pick one, work hard and go to an Ivy for grad school.

Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps, what’s really going on is disappointment regarding the result of years of private schooling costs. Essentially, the poster’s current college choices are no better than those of top kids from VA public high schools. Admission to Yale or Princeton or Williams or Amherst would have provided the snob factor the poster and their child were looking for. William and Mary, though a great school at a great price, is a consolation prize for such attitudes. I think the message for your daughter and yourself is that high-achieving and ambitious people are everywhere, not just at snobby outposts. Perhaps, it will be good for your daughter to hang-out with smart students in an environment of greater socioeconomic diversity.

This. Your daughter wasn’t admitted to the “club” of her choice. You’re whining about prestige and self-image, not education quality.

[Anonymous]

The problem here isn't the result; the problem is the way colleges were framed for her. So very much like all the DCUM posters who poop on every school out of the so-called-by-some-magazine "top 10." She has an unrealistic and terribly warped view of the big picture here. I'm not sure you can fix that after the fact, but if you have other children, don't let them grow up to be academic snobs, or they too will be depressed and disappointed with a world class education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid wants an Ivy, obviously. But Skidmore, Grinnell, W&M Monroe are all excellent.

She should pick one, work hard and go to an Ivy for grad school.

Easy.

^^ This and also, she can always transfer. Know many people who ended up at a lower tier college than they wanted, went and got a 4.0 at their safety and then transferred to their dream school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't make anyone, especially a teenager, feel something different from what they are actually feeling. Objectively as an adult these are fine choices with lots to offer and she has different parts of the country to pick from. I'm genuinely sorry she feels these schools are not for her. Maybe a visit will help if that's possible.

No, but as parents, you can guide them and set the tone for their thinking, which leads to their feelings, which in this case is big disappointment.

OP, I think this is a lesson that we as parents with kids who are underclassmen at Big 3/5 schools need to absorb. There is a lot of rah rah in the parenting in these schools. We are encouraged to believe from day one that our kids are somehow exceptional, first because they were admitted to these schools in the first place, and then because when they get there, they appear to excel. They start to grow in independence and accomplishment in ECs/ sports and we think that is so fabulous. We cheer them on, of course, and are so proud of them.

Their classmates set a high bar with expectations on which colleges are acceptable. The schools do nothing to tamp this down, even knowing that top schools are a long shot for most kids - but neither do we as parents, because of course we're thrilled to hear that our little one is being encouraged to apply to these top level reach schools. It all starts to feed on itself and other perfectly great schools become merely "targets" or "safety." We push them to "work so hard" and reward them for doing so.

I can see how this is a recipe for a predictably bad ending for many, when they get their first major lesson in the Real World: Other people (in this case, an admissions team) don't see you the way that you see yourself.

Good luck to your DD. I hope you help her turn around her thinking quickly. Believe me, I'm taking note of your experience.