How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with you OP. It has been tremendously stressful My "big 3" DD is very disappointed with her options (what her counselor said were foundational) and assumes she will be rejected by the remaining 4 she is waiting to hear from. I told her that I had to be realistic and that it's a lottery, and I just don't know. She may or may not get in. Not to take it personally.

She already talks of transferring. I told her that wherever she ends up, it might not be her dream school but if she likes the people she will not want to transfer, wherever she goes she will learn a lot, and it will all be fine.

She worked SO HARD in HS to get the grades, found some great ECs that she was truly interested in, not just padding. I feel for her. She is incredibly disappointed to the point of tears. I know this is a real world, teachable moment. But it is SO hard.

Do some of you actually use the term "dream school" with your kids? Because that starts the problem right there.

Do you also refer to their "dream man" or the "dream house" that they may have some day?

I'm seeing a pattern here that I personally don't like. And it starts with the adults in the room.

Yep, it certainly always starts with the adult. Your kid takes after you for sure. What is that phrase, be careful how you speak to your kid, one day, that will be your kid's inner voice...

The “dream school” lingo is being taught in high schools. The schools want to say dream school instead of reach school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until I read where she has been accepted - she will find students at all 3 of those colleges who meet or exceed her stats. I hope that she has been counseled that everyone trying for admission at ivies has excellent stats, and most don’t get accepted. This is a good lesson in taking a brief time to mourn the loss, and then moving on and making the most of her great options.

+1 totally this.

I will suggest that we need to move beyond the "my student will END UP AT" type thinking. There are so many more excellent schools -- and students attending them-- than this board would have onE think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

Yes but there are thousands of kids just like this just in the DMV. (Though, hopefully, they were equally busy but in things they generally cared about, rather than just resumes stuffers.)

OP should find those threads about how TJ kids are getting shut out to gain some perspective. Literally, this is the story of every kid this cycle.

Colleges can only accept so many TJ applicants - why don't parents think of that before they push TJ?? No brains??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

Up until this point, OP, I empathized a bit. After what you said here, that empathy flew out the door. The "wind up at a school of this level" and the "hasn't reaped the benefits of this hard work" comments were just too much. All of our kids are working hard in the very exact ways that your kid has. And we also face similar circumstances. Do you see just how many students have higher GPAs out there? Mine does. But even that is no guarantee.

There are only so many seats at these colleges, and several students with top everything. We even went back to the drawing board a few times just to thwart this exact scenario -- the feeling that just because we have the stats, that the outcome was determinable and predictable in our favor.

I think this has a lot to do with perhaps believing the hype and spending lots of money towards that belief bubble.

Sorry to hear of your disappointment, but we are all going through this.

If OP is a parent who has high achievements herself, I sympathize with her - more than I do the parents who so obviously live vicariously (ie: the parents aiming for the schools they would never have had a snowball's chance in hell at).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment here is rough. We all know (even DC) that they will get over it. But there is no excitement. DC was accepted to two foundational schools, deferred one; WL one target and reject two others; rejected two reaches.

He has excellent stats including 1500+ SAT. DC private. I’m a little worried the lesson he will learn is, “I worked my ass off when I could have been goofing off more, and I still only got in the same school as Larlo who has way worse grades and doesn’t try.”

+1

The worst part is some of the parents maneuvering their kids into ivies under the guise of "playing a sport" - when they are practically on the sidelines. How do you explain that to a kid, when the school is not that big, and the class knows full well where everyone ranks? A kid at the bottom of the class going to an ivy? I know it's an important "life lesson" - doesn't make it not bullsh*t.

Sorry, can you explain the bolded to me. I don't know what it means.

Akin to "Operation Varsity Blues" - the kid barely plays a sport, is at the bottom of the class academically, but the mom bribes their way into a prestigious college - many levels above where the kid would have been otherwise. Not that hard to understand, and happening more than you would ever expect. It is in some people's nature to cheat the system, because in their mind "everyone does it". Sickening for the kids (maybe OP's kid, I don't know) who are at the top of the class.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP. We all need moments when we can feel disappointed for our kids even when we know that ultimately everything will be OK, and these kids have a right to be disappointed after the year they have been through even if they are otherwise privileged, and even if they too will ultimately realize that everything is going to be OK. If you can’t express that on an anonymous message board without being attacked, then I just don’t know. But I did want to let you know that I visited W&M this week with my DC and it seems pretty awesome. But guess what? It’s still OK if it takes her some time to realize that.