How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with you OP. It has been tremendously stressful My "big 3" DD is very disappointed with her options (what her counselor said were foundational) and assumes she will be rejected by the remaining 4 she is waiting to hear from. I told her that I had to be realistic and that it's a lottery, and I just don't know. She may or may not get in. Not to take it personally.

She already talks of transferring. I told her that wherever she ends up, it might not be her dream school but if she likes the people she will not want to transfer, wherever she goes she will learn a lot, and it will all be fine.

She worked SO HARD in HS to get the grades, found some great ECs that she was truly interested in, not just padding. I feel for her. She is incredibly disappointed to the point of tears. I know this is a real world, teachable moment. But it is SO hard.

Do some of you actually use the term "dream school" with your kids? Because that starts the problem right there.

Do you also refer to their "dream man" or the "dream house" that they may have some day?

I'm seeing a pattern here that I personally don't like. And it starts with the adults in the room.

I am this poster. No, we don't use the term dream school. We are big believers that a child can be a great fit at many schools. I also do not believe in soulmates, nor does my partner. "Dream school" was her term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Please consider encouraging your DD not to go to W&M. My DC is a Monroe scholar too and has a number of excellent choices. I would be thrilled if they chose W&M with this honor (and this not about the cost--we have no problem paying for an Ivy) and would prefer they attended with students who have the right attitude.

-mom with two Ivy degrees (who perhaps knows better because I've attended one)

Is there a typo here? "not to go to W&M"?

No typo. I'm not going to tell my kid what to do but I'm really hoping they choose to go there as a Monroe scholar. And therefore not to have to hang out with ultra-privileged kids who are unhappy to be there, which I find eye-popping.

[Anonymous]

Is this your child's first experience with disappointment? It sounds that way.

Life doesn't always work out the way we want it to. Let her be disappointed and have all the feelings, and then help her refocus her perspective so that she can put herself into a position to make the most of the choices she has. College is a big decision, but it's not THE biggest decision she'll ever make her in life. It feels that way now, but it's not.

As for you, OP, this is not on you to fix. You can't change the situation, you can't change how she feels. You can provide guidance and perspective, but that's about it.

[Anonymous]

Go to Grinnell!!

OP I hear what you are saying, but damn those are such good options. I can understand being disappointed with your choices, but there is a limit!

Reminds me of my brother who went into a severe depression over his Harvard rejection (this was years ago, but still). He just couldn't believe it. Got into other ives, but no....angry and b*tchy all summer! I was like, wow what a tool. He wound up at Duke and had a great experience.

Like I said, it's sad when you don't get what you want but this is a little beyond. It's not Arizona State (no offense to anyone but you know what I mean.) It's not even... idk BU or American. It's Grinnell and Skidmore and Monoroe Scholars for goodness sakes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

The faulty assumption here is that she would have had these options if she hadn’t worked as hard as she did. Had she put less into her academics and extracurriculars, she probably would be looking at significantly lower ranked schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem here isn't the result; the problem is the way colleges were framed for her. So very much like all the DCUM posters who poop on every school out of the so-called-by-some-magazine "top 10." She has an unrealistic and terribly warped view of the big picture here. I'm not sure you can fix that after the fact, but if you have other children, don't let them grow up to be academic snobs, or they too will be depressed and disappointed with a world class education.

Agree. Unrealistic and hubristic thinking from all involved. No sympathy, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

Jesus Christ.

And mother of Joseph! The more the OP writes, the worse they look. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a rough point in the admission season. Let her mourn. I would try not to talk about the decisions yet to come. If the subject of college is going to be discussed, I'd be comparing the current excellent options, which would be her preference, looking at admitted student groups, housing options, etc.

Keep in mind (perhaps without discussing with her) that experts predict extensive waitlist use this year, so while it's hard to judge from where you sit now, a waitlist acceptance is possible, especially if you are full pay.

As has been explained above, the "safeties" she's fortunate to be accepted to were actually targets due to low acceptance rates. Move them to the target category.

You are not the only one to notice that this is a crazy year for college admission - it has been in the press, see e.g. Melissa Korn at WSJ - and there will be many a college counselor with unfortunate egg on their faces for inaccurate predictions.

This! Best piece of advice I ever picked up on DCUM was, when figuring out safeties vs. matches for my kid, if the acceptance rate is 30 percent or less, it’s not a safety. Even if your kid’s stats are over the 75th percentile for test scores and above the average GPA. Consider it a strong match, but not a safety.

Grinnell’s acceptance rate is 23 percent, Skidmore’s is 30. Even though W&M is in the upper 30s, everyone knows it’s harder for girls to get accepted.

If William and Mary admissions saw this, they’d want to rescind the offer.
And she was admitted as a Monroe Scholar which is top 10% of all applicants, hardly something to be disappointed with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a rough point in the admission season. Let her mourn. I would try not to talk about the decisions yet to come. If the subject of college is going to be discussed, I'd be comparing the current excellent options, which would be her preference, looking at admitted student groups, housing options, etc.

Keep in mind (perhaps without discussing with her) that experts predict extensive waitlist use this year, so while it's hard to judge from where you sit now, a waitlist acceptance is possible, especially if you are full pay.

As has been explained above, the "safeties" she's fortunate to be accepted to were actually targets due to low acceptance rates. Move them to the target category.

You are not the only one to notice that this is a crazy year for college admission - it has been in the press, see e.g. Melissa Korn at WSJ - and there will be many a college counselor with unfortunate egg on their faces for inaccurate predictions.

This! Best piece of advice I ever picked up on DCUM was, when figuring out safeties vs. matches for my kid, if the acceptance rate is 30 percent or less, it’s not a safety. Even if your kid’s stats are over the 75th percentile for test scores and above the average GPA. Consider it a strong match, but not a safety.

Grinnell’s acceptance rate is 23 percent, Skidmore’s is 30. Even though W&M is in the upper 30s, everyone knows it’s harder for girls to get accepted.

If William and Mary admissions saw this, they’d want to rescind the offer.
And she was admitted as a Monroe Scholar which is top 10% of all applicants, hardly something to be disappointed with.

If William and Mary admissions saw this, they probably want to rescind the offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a rough point in the admission season. Let her mourn. I would try not to talk about the decisions yet to come. If the subject of college is going to be discussed, I'd be comparing the current excellent options, which would be her preference, looking at admitted student groups, housing options, etc.

Keep in mind (perhaps without discussing with her) that experts predict extensive waitlist use this year, so while it's hard to judge from where you sit now, a waitlist acceptance is possible, especially if you are full pay.

As has been explained above, the "safeties" she's fortunate to be accepted to were actually targets due to low acceptance rates. Move them to the target category.

You are not the only one to notice that this is a crazy year for college admission - it has been in the press, see e.g. Melissa Korn at WSJ - and there will be many a college counselor with unfortunate egg on their faces for inaccurate predictions.

This! Best piece of advice I ever picked up on DCUM was, when figuring out safeties vs. matches for my kid, if the acceptance rate is 30 percent or less, it’s not a safety. Even if your kid’s stats are over the 75th percentile for test scores and above the average GPA. Consider it a strong match, but not a safety.

Grinnell’s acceptance rate is 23 percent, Skidmore’s is 30. Even though W&M is in the upper 30s, everyone knows it’s harder for girls to get accepted.

If William and Mary admissions saw this, they’d want to rescind the offer.
And she was admitted as a Monroe Scholar which is top 10% of all applicants, hardly something to be disappointed with.

If William and Mary admissions saw this, they probably want to rescind the offer.

NP. Not sure if the PP is referring to the bolded as "this," but acceptance rate by gender is published in the Common Data Set. For class of 2024, 46% acceptance rate for males, 39.6% for females.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

Yes but there are thousands of kids just like this just in the DMV. (Though, hopefully, they were equally busy but in things they generally cared about, rather than just resumes stuffers.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am with you OP. It has been tremendously stressful My "big 3" DD is very disappointed with her options (what her counselor said were foundational) and assumes she will be rejected by the remaining 4 she is waiting to hear from. I told her that I had to be realistic and that it's a lottery, and I just don't know. She may or may not get in. Not to take it personally.

She already talks of transferring. I told her that wherever she ends up, it might not be her dream school but if she likes the people she will not want to transfer, wherever she goes she will learn a lot, and it will all be fine.

She worked SO HARD in HS to get the grades, found some great ECs that she was truly interested in, not just padding. I feel for her. She is incredibly disappointed to the point of tears. I know this is a real world, teachable moment. But it is SO hard.

+1 Well said. This year has been very different from prior years. Of our friend group, I don't know any child who hasn't had significant surprises in how the acceptances have panned out. I agree with you that you need to reinforce that much of it has been like a lottery and it isn't personal. It feels personal but it isn't. Hugs to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

The faulty assumption here is that she would have had these options if she hadn’t worked as hard as she did. Had she put less into her academics and extracurriculars, she probably would be looking at significantly lower ranked schools.

Exactly. I completely feel for OP's daughter and other posters in the same vein. My only input is that OP's daughter has good options. They may not be the options she hoped for but she still has good options. And, honestly, if she gets to school next year and it turns out to not be a good fit then she should transfer for sophomore year. College is too short (and too long) to be at a place where you're not happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a rough point in the admission season. Let her mourn. I would try not to talk about the decisions yet to come. If the subject of college is going to be discussed, I'd be comparing the current excellent options, which would be her preference, looking at admitted student groups, housing options, etc.

Keep in mind (perhaps without discussing with her) that experts predict extensive waitlist use this year, so while it's hard to judge from where you sit now, a waitlist acceptance is possible, especially if you are full pay.

As has been explained above, the "safeties" she's fortunate to be accepted to were actually targets due to low acceptance rates. Move them to the target category.

You are not the only one to notice that this is a crazy year for college admission - it has been in the press, see e.g. Melissa Korn at WSJ - and there will be many a college counselor with unfortunate egg on their faces for inaccurate predictions.

This! Best piece of advice I ever picked up on DCUM was, when figuring out safeties vs. matches for my kid, if the acceptance rate is 30 percent or less, it’s not a safety. Even if your kid’s stats are over the 75th percentile for test scores and above the average GPA. Consider it a strong match, but not a safety.

Grinnell’s acceptance rate is 23 percent, Skidmore’s is 30. Even though W&M is in the upper 30s, everyone knows it’s harder for girls to get accepted.

If William and Mary admissions saw this, they’d want to rescind the offer.
And she was admitted as a Monroe Scholar which is top 10% of all applicants, hardly something to be disappointed with.

If William and Mary admissions saw this, they probably want to rescind the offer.

NP. Not sure if the PP is referring to the bolded as "this," but acceptance rate by gender is published in the Common Data Set. For class of 2024, 46% acceptance rate for males, 39.6% for females.

The referenced PP-no, I meant WM admissions would want to rescind the offer after reading about the awful attitude of this family.

[Anonymous]

Thanks DCUM, this has been worth the read, top notch entertainment. It is obvious OP and family are elitist douche canoes but the comments are priceless, love it.