How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want to know what gutted feels like? I was accepted to two top 25 schools coming out of a public high school from an UMC family. I hadn't received any grooming with zero SAT courses, tutors or advisors. I l sorted it all on my own, working my tail off and figuring out the logistics with no guidance or support. After receiving my acceptances, my father told me that he didn't believe in girls spending money on college because they "just end up staying home with kids anyways." He refused to spend even a cent on college for me. I had no idea prior to this point that he wouldn't support me attending college--he apparently had assumed that I wouldn't get it anywhere.

I moved out the morning after high school graduation, got a job and saved every penny. I attended a bottom third tier university that gave me massive merit aid, as I didn't qualify for need based aid based on my father's income. I worked three jobs most of college to afford to live.

I graduated top in my college class, won a Rhodes scholarship, got a PhD from Nobel Prize winner, and have a very successful career. I still don't speak to my father.

Your daughter has it easy. She should go to one of those tops schools and enjoy her privilege.

You sound super cool. Congratulations on all that you have achieved. Perhaps with age you will develop some sympathy for your father (though your bitterness is understandable). Think of him as being vision-impaired. It sounds like he literally did not know what the world could be. Somehow you did, and made it happen. Perhaps your life opened his eyes? You may want to explore that possibility before it is too late.

Eh, I'm not that old. This happened in the 2000s. He's a college educated professional with a master's degree. He should know better, but instead chooses to be a Trump evangelist with sexist and racist beliefs. He likely negatively impacted the lives of dozens of women and minorities who he managed throughout his career. My decision to cut him off isn't about bitterness, but at this point is a conscious decision to live my beliefs.

Good on you, pp. I’d buy you a drink irl if I could. Cheers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want to know what gutted feels like? I was accepted to two top 25 schools coming out of a public high school from an UMC family. I hadn't received any grooming with zero SAT courses, tutors or advisors. I l sorted it all on my own, working my tail off and figuring out the logistics with no guidance or support. After receiving my acceptances, my father told me that he didn't believe in girls spending money on college because they "just end up staying home with kids anyways." He refused to spend even a cent on college for me. I had no idea prior to this point that he wouldn't support me attending college--he apparently had assumed that I wouldn't get it anywhere.

I moved out the morning after high school graduation, got a job and saved every penny. I attended a bottom third tier university that gave me massive merit aid, as I didn't qualify for need based aid based on my father's income. I worked three jobs most of college to afford to live.

I graduated top in my college class, won a Rhodes scholarship, got a PhD from Nobel Prize winner, and have a very successful career. I still don't speak to my father.

Your daughter has it easy. She should go to one of those tops schools and enjoy her privilege.

You sound super cool. Congratulations on all that you have achieved. Perhaps with age you will develop some sympathy for your father (though your bitterness is understandable). Think of him as being vision-impaired. It sounds like he literally did not know what the world could be. Somehow you did, and made it happen. Perhaps your life opened his eyes? You may want to explore that possibility before it is too late.

Eh, I'm not that old. This happened in the 2000s. He's a college educated professional with a master's degree. He should know better, but instead chooses to be a Trump evangelist with sexist and racist beliefs. He likely negatively impacted the lives of dozens of women and minorities who he managed throughout his career. My decision to cut him off isn't about bitterness, but at this point is a conscious decision to live my beliefs.

Good on you, pp. I’d buy you a drink irl if I could. Cheers.

Same. So much respect for you, Dr!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with you OP. It has been tremendously stressful My "big 3" DD is very disappointed with her options (what her counselor said were foundational) and assumes she will be rejected by the remaining 4 she is waiting to hear from. I told her that I had to be realistic and that it's a lottery, and I just don't know. She may or may not get in. Not to take it personally.

She already talks of transferring. I told her that wherever she ends up, it might not be her dream school but if she likes the people she will not want to transfer, wherever she goes she will learn a lot, and it will all be fine.

She worked SO HARD in HS to get the grades, found some great ECs that she was truly interested in, not just padding. I feel for her. She is incredibly disappointed to the point of tears. I know this is a real world, teachable moment. But it is SO hard.

Do some of you actually use the term "dream school" with your kids? Because that starts the problem right there.

Do you also refer to their "dream man" or the "dream house" that they may have some day?

I'm seeing a pattern here that I personally don't like. And it starts with the adults in the room.

Yep, it certainly always starts with the adult. Your kid takes after you for sure. What is that phrase, be careful how you speak to your kid, one day, that will be your kid's inner voice...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think y’all are being needlessly tough on OP/her daughter.

The amount of energy it takes to be a top high school student at a top school (especially in an intense area like DCUM-land!) is immense. One’s entire identity is wrapped up in being a good student and striving for the best. The sum of a full school day, extracurriculars, homework, basic self care, etc. is more intense — and involves more competing priorities — than most other busy periods in ones life.

OP’s daughter probably realized she worked to the point of deteriorating her QOL. She has a right to be frustrated with the situation even if the outcome is objectively fantastic.

Yes but there are thousands of kids just like this just in the DMV. (Though, hopefully, they were equally busy but in things they generally cared about, rather than just resumes stuffers.)

OP should find those threads about how TJ kids are getting shut out to gain some perspective. Literally, this is the story of every kid this cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

Up until this point, OP, I empathized a bit. After what you said here, that empathy flew out the door. The "wind up at a school of this level" and the "hasn't reaped the benefits of this hard work" comments were just too much. All of our kids are working hard in the very exact ways that your kid has. And we also face similar circumstances. Do you see just how many students have higher GPAs out there? Mine does. But even that is no guarantee.

There are only so many seats at these colleges, and several students with top everything. We even went back to the drawing board a few times just to thwart this exact scenario -- the feeling that just because we have the stats, that the outcome was determinable and predictable in our favor.

I think this has a lot to do with perhaps believing the hype and spending lots of money towards that belief bubble.

Sorry to hear of your disappointment, but we are all going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

Jesus Christ.

Any sympathy I had for the OP went away with the second post, it is obvious they don't get it.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

I think you need to do some soul searching about why your child feels so entitled.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm curious about your own accomplishments. How hard did you work and where did you go to school....only to have your greatest accomplishments be "CEO of the Harris Family, LOL!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment here is rough. We all know (even DC) that they will get over it. But there is no excitement. DC was accepted to two foundational schools, deferred one; WL one target and reject two others; rejected two reaches.

He has excellent stats including 1500+ SAT. DC private. I’m a little worried the lesson he will learn is, “I worked my ass off when I could have been goofing off more, and I still only got in the same school as Larlo who has way worse grades and doesn’t try.”

It’s actually not a bad lesson to learn, but I would rephrase it slightly. 20% of efforts gets you 80% of the results. Another 20% will likely get you to 95%. So, anytime before you go the whole 100%, stop and ask yourself is it worth it? It’s usually not unless you enjoy the travel more than the destination. Recognizing that will do wonders for your mental health.

To the original OP, I would tell your daughter that life is a marathon, not a sprint. Presumably, getting into a top school was not a goal in itself but a part of some bigger plan. She can still fulfill that plan with the schools she got into, so we are not even talking about a detour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want to know what gutted feels like? I was accepted to two top 25 schools coming out of a public high school from an UMC family. I hadn't received any grooming with zero SAT courses, tutors or advisors. I l sorted it all on my own, working my tail off and figuring out the logistics with no guidance or support. After receiving my acceptances, my father told me that he didn't believe in girls spending money on college because they "just end up staying home with kids anyways." He refused to spend even a cent on college for me. I had no idea prior to this point that he wouldn't support me attending college--he apparently had assumed that I wouldn't get it anywhere.

I moved out the morning after high school graduation, got a job and saved every penny. I attended a bottom third tier university that gave me massive merit aid, as I didn't qualify for need based aid based on my father's income. I worked three jobs most of college to afford to live.

I graduated top in my college class, won a Rhodes scholarship, got a PhD from Nobel Prize winner, and have a very successful career. I still don't speak to my father.

Your daughter has it easy. She should go to one of those tops schools and enjoy her privilege.

In the spirit of thus thread, I know many people who’ve had it worse than you. So, suck it up, buttercup.

[Anonymous]

Part of me feels for this OP. She is just describing how her child feels, and we are all piling up saying that her feelings are out of line. There may be truth to that, and the mother may have fed into this scenario, but I can also see her as a parent trying to help her child who is disillusioned and disappointed.

The best spin I think is that this is a great life lesson for the daughter, who believed she was a golden child and that hard work is always rewarded with what we (think we) deserve. Your child's rank in life let her believe that model almost into adulthood. In reality, chance and injustice visit all lives. Some people learn this when they are stricken with fatal illnesses or lose a parent at a young age. Her reality check came much more gently.

So yes, we love our children and want to see them happy and enthused about the future. They are growing up though, and we cannot guard them from the world and reality. Your daughter's reaction is a clear sign that she has had it easy up to now (worked hard yes, but thought her path would be easy and open if she did). I suggest you just show your love and when appropriate share the amazing aspects of the choices before. She will readjust her view on life, as we all have to over time.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a unique year. Much worse than most. But not a story other parents haven't lived. On many income/academic levels. I was concerned that my child *not* push themselves to an extreme, and over prepare. Not if it meant ending up bitter and resentful. Life is not all about academics. And self-image/self-worth can't be either.

I knew the data. They didn't. Hadn't internalized it. But I had. Too many qualified, excellent students vying for too few spots. From the same school. And this is public, applying to public. FCPS -> UVA/WM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment here is rough. We all know (even DC) that they will get over it. But there is no excitement. DC was accepted to two foundational schools, deferred one; WL one target and reject two others; rejected two reaches.

He has excellent stats including 1500+ SAT. DC private. I’m a little worried the lesson he will learn is, “I worked my ass off when I could have been goofing off more, and I still only got in the same school as Larlo who has way worse grades and doesn’t try.”

It’s actually not a bad lesson to learn, but I would rephrase it slightly. 20% of efforts gets you 80% of the results. Another 20% will likely get you to 95%. So, anytime before you go the whole 100%, stop and ask yourself is it worth it? It’s usually not unless you enjoy the travel more than the destination. Recognizing that will do wonders for your mental health.

To the original OP, I would tell your daughter that life is a marathon, not a sprint. Presumably, getting into a top school was not a goal in itself but a part of some bigger plan. She can still fulfill that plan with the schools she got into, so we are not even talking about a detour.

+1 Do you really want to work all the time in college too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment here is rough. We all know (even DC) that they will get over it. But there is no excitement. DC was accepted to two foundational schools, deferred one; WL one target and reject two others; rejected two reaches.

He has excellent stats including 1500+ SAT. DC private. I’m a little worried the lesson he will learn is, “I worked my ass off when I could have been goofing off more, and I still only got in the same school as Larlo who has way worse grades and doesn’t try.”

+1

The worst part is some of the parents maneuvering their kids into ivies under the guise of "playing a sport" - when they are practically on the sidelines. How do you explain that to a kid, when the school is not that big, and the class knows full well where everyone ranks? A kid at the bottom of the class going to an ivy? I know it's an important "life lesson" - doesn't make it not bullsh*t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment here is rough. We all know (even DC) that they will get over it. But there is no excitement. DC was accepted to two foundational schools, deferred one; WL one target and reject two others; rejected two reaches.

He has excellent stats including 1500+ SAT. DC private. I’m a little worried the lesson he will learn is, “I worked my ass off when I could have been goofing off more, and I still only got in the same school as Larlo who has way worse grades and doesn’t try.”

+1

The worst part is some of the parents maneuvering their kids into ivies under the guise of "playing a sport" - when they are practically on the sidelines. How do you explain that to a kid, when the school is not that big, and the class knows full well where everyone ranks? A kid at the bottom of the class going to an ivy? I know it's an important "life lesson" - doesn't make it not bullsh*t.

Sorry, can you explain the bolded to me. I don't know what it means.