Husband making comments about my dad's will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother last year after she battled cancer for several years, and this year my father decided to remarry. We are all happy for him. My mother's family has also given their blessings. My husband made a comment initially about "rebound" and told me to tell my dad to take it slow. I took his concerns seriously and talked to my dad. My dad felt that he had made a well thought out decision in the right frame of mind and felt good about moving forward. I told him I supported him.

When I mentioned this conversation with my husband, to my surprise, he didn't seem to agree with me. He said, parents are like kids sometimes, you just have to tell them what to do. This is not the relationship I have with my father.

A few days ago I told my husband the date for the wedding (we will watch on zoom). He asked me if I had talked to my father about his will. Would his new wife be the beneficiary? What about her kids from a previous marriage? My response to my husband was that if there is a change to my dad's will he would let me know but I am not going to ask.

Now I feel my husband has been playing a game all along. This is very hurtful and petty. To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."

My father spent years caring for my ailing mother. Waking up nights with her, taking her to the hospital for her treatments. He deserves this and so much more. It is shocking to see my husband behave like this.

Are people reading the entire post??? Your mom died just last year and he's already getting married?! Yes this is a bad warning sign, and your husband seems to be the only one to understand what it all entails. Honestly he should have waited a year to start dating, something isn't adding up here OP.
Has anyone checked out this woman's background? I'm sure she's fine, but there's a lot of elder abuse with older men that rush into marriages with younger woman. Whose idea was it to get married this fast?

Did you skip right over the part where the OP said her mother was ailing for years before she passed? It’s not like mom dropped dead out of the blue and dad is rushing to the altar the day after.

Well what on earth would that have to do with anything? You're still very much married and supposed to be committed if your partner gets sick.

[Anonymous]

For those of you recommending OP talk with her father about his financial circumstances and demand he consider his adult children first, I suggest you add another topic during that discussion: His potential care issues.

If your father becomes seriously ill, hospitalized/needing after care, permanently disabled or demented, what are YOUR plans to take care of him? When he can no longer drive safely, cook a meal, or becomes incontinent, who will be meeting his needs?

Plan as though his wife is not there, so everything must be outsourced and paid for. I imagine that will quickly eat away at the inheritance which is expected.

The automatic assumption is his wife is a gold-digging harpy, who is awaiting his ultimate demise with glee over all the riches she will receive. Yet the irony is that the vast majority of second spouses are not gold-diggers, and many spend years doing care-giving without any acknowledgment.

[Anonymous]

Well OP, it’s all well and good for you to be naive now. Just wait until the new wife is wearing your mom’s clothes, carrying her purses and your new “sister” is sporting the diamond from your mom’s wedding ring as a necklace. Let’s see how happy you are then.

Your husband is right...your parents amassed money that should go to their family if any is left over. But, what’s happening here is that your dad will die and everything will go to the new wife. This is the only reason a 58 year old woman would be in a rush to marry a 68 year old man.

I’d also worry about the fact that his money should be used to support him if he needs long term care later on...it will be hard to pay for that if the money is instead being used to support the new wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother last year after she battled cancer for several years, and this year my father decided to remarry. We are all happy for him. My mother's family has also given their blessings. My husband made a comment initially about "rebound" and told me to tell my dad to take it slow. I took his concerns seriously and talked to my dad. My dad felt that he had made a well thought out decision in the right frame of mind and felt good about moving forward. I told him I supported him.

When I mentioned this conversation with my husband, to my surprise, he didn't seem to agree with me. He said, parents are like kids sometimes, you just have to tell them what to do. This is not the relationship I have with my father.

A few days ago I told my husband the date for the wedding (we will watch on zoom). He asked me if I had talked to my father about his will. Would his new wife be the beneficiary? What about her kids from a previous marriage? My response to my husband was that if there is a change to my dad's will he would let me know but I am not going to ask.

Now I feel my husband has been playing a game all along. This is very hurtful and petty. To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."

My father spent years caring for my ailing mother. Waking up nights with her, taking her to the hospital for her treatments. He deserves this and so much more. It is shocking to see my husband behave like this.

Are people reading the entire post??? Your mom died just last year and he's already getting married?! Yes this is a bad warning sign, and your husband seems to be the only one to understand what it all entails. Honestly he should have waited a year to start dating, something isn't adding up here OP.
Has anyone checked out this woman's background? I'm sure she's fine, but there's a lot of elder abuse with older men that rush into marriages with younger woman. Whose idea was it to get married this fast?

Did you skip right over the part where the OP said her mother was ailing for years before she passed? It’s not like mom dropped dead out of the blue and dad is rushing to the altar the day after.

Well what on earth would that have to do with anything? You're still very much married and supposed to be committed if your partner gets sick.

DP. When someone has a long-term illness that leads to death, their loved ones often start to grieve the loss of that person well before they actually die. They are still deeply committed to them, but have already come to terms with their imminent death so that by the time it happens, they’ve already done the heavy emotional work of grieving, and are often ready to move on to a new relationship much sooner after the death than when the death was unexpected.

OP’s dad remarrying now doesn’t mean he doesn’t still love OP’s mom, and that he wasn’t deeply devoted to her while she was alive. But the nature of her illness and death makes it unsurprising that he’s ready to move forward with a new relationship sooner than you might expect. It doesn’t say anything about his love for his late wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother last year after she battled cancer for several years, and this year my father decided to remarry. We are all happy for him. My mother's family has also given their blessings. My husband made a comment initially about "rebound" and told me to tell my dad to take it slow. I took his concerns seriously and talked to my dad. My dad felt that he had made a well thought out decision in the right frame of mind and felt good about moving forward. I told him I supported him.

When I mentioned this conversation with my husband, to my surprise, he didn't seem to agree with me. He said, parents are like kids sometimes, you just have to tell them what to do. This is not the relationship I have with my father.

A few days ago I told my husband the date for the wedding (we will watch on zoom). He asked me if I had talked to my father about his will. Would his new wife be the beneficiary? What about her kids from a previous marriage? My response to my husband was that if there is a change to my dad's will he would let me know but I am not going to ask.

Now I feel my husband has been playing a game all along. This is very hurtful and petty. To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."

My father spent years caring for my ailing mother. Waking up nights with her, taking her to the hospital for her treatments. He deserves this and so much more. It is shocking to see my husband behave like this.

Are people reading the entire post??? Your mom died just last year and he's already getting married?! Yes this is a bad warning sign, and your husband seems to be the only one to understand what it all entails. Honestly he should have waited a year to start dating, something isn't adding up here OP.
Has anyone checked out this woman's background? I'm sure she's fine, but there's a lot of elder abuse with older men that rush into marriages with younger woman. Whose idea was it to get married this fast?

Did you skip right over the part where the OP said her mother was ailing for years before she passed? It’s not like mom dropped dead out of the blue and dad is rushing to the altar the day after.

Well what on earth would that have to do with anything? You're still very much married and supposed to be committed if your partner gets sick.

DP. When someone has a long-term illness that leads to death, their loved ones often start to grieve the loss of that person well before they actually die. They are still deeply committed to them, but have already come to terms with their imminent death so that by the time it happens, they’ve already done the heavy emotional work of grieving, and are often ready to move on to a new relationship much sooner after the death than when the death was unexpected.

OP’s dad remarrying now doesn’t mean he doesn’t still love OP’s mom, and that he wasn’t deeply devoted to her while she was alive. But the nature of her illness and death makes it unsurprising that he’s ready to move forward with a new relationship sooner than you might expect. It doesn’t say anything about his love for his late wife.

Sorry but not within a year with a family "friend"!

More to this story that OP may not know. They all need to be involved in a will/trust and each child should have copies. If he needs care, the step mother dies or they both die at the same time. Yes the kids need to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP, it’s all well and good for you to be naive now. Just wait until the new wife is wearing your mom’s clothes, carrying her purses and your new “sister” is sporting the diamond from your mom’s wedding ring as a necklace. Let’s see how happy you are then.

Your husband is right...your parents amassed money that should go to their family if any is left over. But, what’s happening here is that your dad will die and everything will go to the new wife. This is the only reason a 58 year old woman would be in a rush to marry a 68 year old man.

I’d also worry about the fact that his money should be used to support him if he needs long term care later on...it will be hard to pay for that if the money is instead being used to support the new wife.

Women do this nonsense as well, not just men. A friend lost her husband age 45, I told her to keep her home and rental home separate just in case. I feel like you can earn assets together which is what I did with my current (2nd). Well she stupidly put his name on everything 5 years later.

If OP can't stomach talking about the details of a very important issue assign her DH to do it. Apparently, he's a little more savvy. My relative was left after 25 years by her husband. A old gf stalked him because she was getting divorced, and going bankrupt at the same time. Her DH of course didn't know all that until he married her and found out she had a ton of debt. We looked her up in the county, and realized she planned to find another life raft. She came across as a sweet woman and was very nice looking. Enough so the DH left his wife and kids for her, though it didn't end well. You just never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your Husband is right. Don’t let this new woman fleece your father.

+1. Take it from someone whose father got totally screwed by his “stepmother” when my grandfather died a few years after he married his second wife. And this is a woman who the family knew for decades before they got married. Have the conversation OP. My father still resents his dad 30 years after his death because of what happened with the will. My dad ended up paying half of the funeral costs and inherited 1/4 of what he should have.

If either of my parents ever get remarried, I will 100 percent having the conversation. I’m happy your dad is happy but you have to be realistic. This is your mother’s money too.

And if I were OP’s dad I’d laugh in your face.

That's fine, and I hope you are never in a situation like this. It ripped my family apart and things were not good for a long time with my dad and his siblings. He tried to do the right thing by the new wife and she knifed him in the back over and over again. It was awful. I don't want to see that happen to OP and have her resent her father for years after he dies because they didn't have a conversation that adults should have. My parents have been married for 45 years, are totally healthy and we've had the conversation. It's not just about inheritance but, like others have said, long-term care, funeral costs, how to even access the will--having it all laid out is smart, especially at 68 (the age where my grandfather died suddenly and left my dad to deal with the aftermath).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry but not within a year with a family "friend"!

More to this story that OP may not know. They all need to be involved in a will/trust and each child should have copies. If he needs care, the step mother dies or they both die at the same time. Yes the kids need to be involved.

DP here

The Dad can't just tell his daughter to piss off if she pushes too hard.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right.

[Anonymous]

OP—are you really ok with all of your mom’s things and money going to the new wife? My dad did this and we have nothing left. Money aside, no pictures, no keepsakes, nothing. All I have is my baby book that my mom gave to me shortly before she died. Her wedding dress, wedding ring, childhood treasure box, her books, items she was saving for my kids, heirloom China and silver, letters. All gone.

[Anonymous]

“Hi dad, I have something I need to talk to you about and it’s a little awkward....”

Go from there. I can see how you don’t care now because you want to be supportive of your dad and nothing really changes in your day to day to life. Let’s imagine your dad and his wife both live to be 90 — they have 20 years together. When he dies everything becomes his wife’s. Then she lives for an additional 10 years and her kids are the ones dealing with her care. 10 years after your dad passed away his existence will be a distant memory to her kids. His wealth will be “her wealth” and only her children will inherit. Are you okay with that?

[Anonymous]

Your husband could be more tactful, but he’s not wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are truly awful when parents start dating. My dad was single for over 25 years, and when he finally found someone to be with (and he was SO happy), my siblings all flipped out. My sister said "well there goes my inheritance", walked out of the house, and did not speak to him for months. She and my mom then orchestrated an entire plan to break them up, which sadly will probably be successful.

OMG, I don't know if I could maintain a relationship with my mom or sister if they did something so cruel. Wow.

[Anonymous]

A widower we know married his longtime secretary shortly after his wife's death. No sooner was the ring on her finger then she started to use his money to travel the country, leaving him alone. He was too proud to admit the mistake and that she had used him so would not divorce. Also presumably out of shame and creeping senility he would not let his children take care of him. He died all alone in his big house. Every cent and the family beach house with their memories went to the second wife who had abandoned him within months of their marriage. Something to think about for those who say oh it's his money he should do whatever he wants and have fun. Everything he and his wife had worked for over 40 years went to the worst kind of thief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A widower we know married his longtime secretary shortly after his wife's death. No sooner was the ring on her finger then she started to use his money to travel the country, leaving him alone. He was too proud to admit the mistake and that she had used him so would not divorce. Also presumably out of shame and creeping senility he would not let his children take care of him. He died all alone in his big house. Every cent and the family beach house with their memories went to the second wife who had abandoned him within months of their marriage. Something to think about for those who say oh it's his money he should do whatever he wants and have fun. Everything he and his wife had worked for over 40 years went to the worst kind of thief.

It's called elder abuse. These situations are hard to prove, but happen quite a bit. OP claims she was a family friend - a huge red flag right there.
OP hasn't addressed that yet.