Husband making comments about my dad's will

[Anonymous]

Time to get a post-nup that says that inheritances won't be treated as marital assets, and talk to your lawyer about how to use and structure so they stay that way (it can get messy if they are used as marital assets). Then your husband can stop caring about how much you inherit because it won't be his problem

[Anonymous]

It's not just about the money.

OP if your mom had jewelry, photos, or other keepsakes you would like, ask your dad for them now.

Also know that if your Dad passes first, his new wife will determine where he is buried, or if he is cremated, etc. She may be on a completely different page about those things than you and your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's being insensitive, but he's right about the will. Unless she's signed a prenup, she'll likely be entitled to at least 50% of his assets, as well as all of his retirement accounts. So if you were counting on that, forget about it.

Yes, just because husband is being a jerk about it, doesn't mean he's entirely wrong. It is a concern. And it can be awkward AF to discuss, and you can state that up front. If there are currently understandings in place about inheritance (whatever that may be), then now is a very good time to bring it up and say "hey, I would like to have this discussion now, so we are all on the same page. Before mom died, I understood that you were planning to do X and Y – is that something that is going to change?" But this is your conversation to have with your father. And if you genuinely don't care (and won't in the future) then you don't have to do anything.

I would not have this conversation. Your mother chose to leave everything to your father. That was her choice. And he will now choose what to do with it. I wouldn't put emotional pressure on him like this.

He will choose what to do with it..with the help of his new wife. I think it's potentially difficult to ask about the money, because he may need that money now or anticipate needing it in the future. (I think if OP's parents are objectively wealthy, it might be different.) But asking about tangible objects seems easier. Rationally speaking, the dad's new wife shouldn't want his deceased wife's jewelry or family photos. It's much easier to talk about them now than once a new wife is in the house and has laid claim to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not wrong tho....to ask about the will.

It's your dad's money. He can do whatever he wants with it! My dad is leaving his to his wife, who is a few months younger than me. So what? She deserves it, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not wrong tho....to ask about the will.

If your dad remarries, I'd be prepared not to get any inheritance from him. And it there is anything of your mother's that she would have wanted you to have, or that is important to you, this is the time to ask for it. This new wife might be a blessing to your dad and the rest of the family, but there's also a chance that she will box up your family keepsakes and inherit them when your dad is gone.

+1 You don't know this woman or anything about her. If you want anything of your mother's, you need to get it now.

[Anonymous]

OP, agree DH is being a jerk about the will.

That said, please ask your father to prearrange his funeral and also make you/your siblings his authorized representative for final disposition. This is an easy way for him to make sure you are entitled to bury him properly and as he wishes.

I work in end of life issues, and having stepmom be in charge (as she is if he dies without this document in place) can cause a LOT of trauma for children. Make sure he knows it is NOT about the money but about his wishes and you wanting to be the steward to carry them out.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

When my mother died, I took the earrings she wore and my wedding and gave my sister in-law the jewelry she wore at my brother's wedding. Both my sister-in-law and I decided that is all we wanted from her things. I also kept something for the grandkids. The rest we distributed to people who helped take care of my mother. So there are no sentimental things left.

With regard to my father's money. I honestly just want him to be happy. He went through a lot with my mother's cancer. Both my parents created a will several years ago and all assets are accounted for. My father has not spoken with me about a change to the will. But honestly, it is his money, not mine. My parents educated me and gave me the life skills to make my own money. I was not expecting anything more from them.

With regard to my father's new wife - she is a friend of the family. We have known her for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother last year after she battled cancer for several years, and this year my father decided to remarry. We are all happy for him. My mother's family has also given their blessings. My husband made a comment initially about "rebound" and told me to tell my dad to take it slow. I took his concerns seriously and talked to my dad. My dad felt that he had made a well thought out decision in the right frame of mind and felt good about moving forward. I told him I supported him.

When I mentioned this conversation with my husband, to my surprise, he didn't seem to agree with me. He said, parents are like kids sometimes, you just have to tell them what to do. This is not the relationship I have with my father.

A few days ago I told my husband the date for the wedding (we will watch on zoom). He asked me if I had talked to my father about his will. Would his new wife be the beneficiary? What about her kids from a previous marriage? My response to my husband was that if there is a change to my dad's will he would let me know but I am not going to ask.

Now I feel my husband has been playing a game all along. This is very hurtful and petty. To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."

My father spent years caring for my ailing mother. Waking up nights with her, taking her to the hospital for her treatments. He deserves this and so much more. It is shocking to see my husband behave like this.

Sounds like you married wrong person. Your DH is a jacka$$. Good luck to your father and his new wife. 68 is still very young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would your Mother have wanted to happen to her wealth? I am sure for her husband’s happiness but not for her own family to lose her wealth.

This and thankfully your husband is watching out for you. My father remarried 6 months after my mother died. They had been married for 36 years. He refused to do a prenump (religion) and said it was all in his will. While he was sick and dying a few years later his new wife encouraged him to change the will. Happens all the time. My step siblings? Is that what you call them? Just received my father’s inherited IRA now that their mom has passed. Once my father died we were not allowed access to anything. None of my parent’s items. Not my mother’s family items of no value to the mew wife. Gone. All gone.

So while we were very happy to have our father remarried and happy again we were idiots since the new wife seemed so nice. Don’t be idiots like us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to get a post-nup that says that inheritances won't be treated as marital assets, and talk to your lawyer about how to use and structure so they stay that way (it can get messy if they are used as marital assets). Then your husband can stop caring about how much you inherit because it won't be his problem

You don't need a post nup. Inheritances are never marital assets unless you co-mingle them with marital assets. Meaning that if you get an inheritance you put the money in a separate account that is in your name only and not joint. End of story.

[Anonymous]

PP— I should add my mother died at 63. My father was 67 when he remarried and died at 72. His new wife just died at 78. She lived longer after he died than the length of their entire marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to get a post-nup that says that inheritances won't be treated as marital assets, and talk to your lawyer about how to use and structure so they stay that way (it can get messy if they are used as marital assets). Then your husband can stop caring about how much you inherit because it won't be his problem

You don't need a post nup. Inheritances are never marital assets unless you co-mingle them with marital assets. Meaning that if you get an inheritance you put the money in a separate account that is in your name only and not joint. End of story.

Thank you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just about the money.

OP if your mom had jewelry, photos, or other keepsakes you would like, ask your dad for them now.

Also know that if your Dad passes first, his new wife will determine where he is buried, or if he is cremated, etc. She may be on a completely different page about those things than you and your siblings.

Ack! This is the PP from above. This too. My parents bought a plot and after my mom died my dad got a headstone with both of their names on it. Not the right move but that was his plan. When he died the new wife buried him in FL to be by her. Totally understood that and then they could be together. She died and her kids buried her back with their father. So now my mom and my Dad are alone and in different states. Hot mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha! You’ll be on here in a couple of decades bereft over the lose of your father and how all of the wealth accumulated during your parents’ marriage is ending up in the hands of the new wife’s children. Then you’ll be complaining about how you can’t even get sentimental pieces your mother owned out of the hands of your widowed “step-mom.”

Happens every damn day. It’s a good thing you don’t seem to care!

I agree that could happen. But if OP is able to put aside those material concerns and focus on her dad's happiness and not worry about whether or not she will receive an inheritance, that is very healthy. And it seems like that is where OP is right now. She wants to focus on her dad's happiness, not on his estate planning. If she is ok with not getting his money and instead is focusing on his happiness, that's a good attitude.

[Anonymous]

I'd be concerned if my father was getting married so soon especially if he had a high net worth. Sadly, both widows and widowers can be preyed on but certainly that might not be the case here. I would definitely want to have a discussion about his will and estate planning including a discussion of your mother's will and what was her intent. She would likely want her assets to first go to your father and then to you but if your father changes his will it might not go to you. It's his money and he has every right to do with it what he wants but he could be taken advantage of and that's what you need to help protect him from. One thing he could do is to set up an irrevocable trust where you and your siblings are the beneficiaries but he could use the funds during his lifetime to meet his needs. That money technically remains outside his estate and outside his will.

You need to have an unemotional discussion with your father about what his real desires are and then assist him, with the support of an estate planning lawyer, in putting them down on paper.