Husband making comments about my dad's will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother last year after she battled cancer for several years, and this year my father decided to remarry. We are all happy for him. My mother's family has also given their blessings. My husband made a comment initially about "rebound" and told me to tell my dad to take it slow. I took his concerns seriously and talked to my dad. My dad felt that he had made a well thought out decision in the right frame of mind and felt good about moving forward. I told him I supported him.

When I mentioned this conversation with my husband, to my surprise, he didn't seem to agree with me. He said, parents are like kids sometimes, you just have to tell them what to do. This is not the relationship I have with my father.

A few days ago I told my husband the date for the wedding (we will watch on zoom). He asked me if I had talked to my father about his will. Would his new wife be the beneficiary? What about her kids from a previous marriage? My response to my husband was that if there is a change to my dad's will he would let me know but I am not going to ask.

Now I feel my husband has been playing a game all along. This is very hurtful and petty. To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."

My father spent years caring for my ailing mother. Waking up nights with her, taking her to the hospital for her treatments. He deserves this and so much more. It is shocking to see my husband behave like this.

Are people reading the entire post??? Your mom died just last year and he's already getting married?! Yes this is a bad warning sign, and your husband seems to be the only one to understand what it all entails. Honestly he should have waited a year to start dating, something isn't adding up here OP.
Has anyone checked out this woman's background? I'm sure she's fine, but there's a lot of elder abuse with older men that rush into marriages with younger woman. Whose idea was it to get married this fast?

Did you skip right over the part where the OP said her mother was ailing for years before she passed? It’s not like mom dropped dead out of the blue and dad is rushing to the altar the day after.

Well what on earth would that have to do with anything? You're still very much married and supposed to be committed if your partner gets sick.

Unless dad was boinking the new wife during his previous marriage he was committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:people who don't have the luxury of (potential) generational wealth always come out on these threads to complain and shame. They don't understand it and they don't want others to have what they can't have. It's a human reaction.

Or maybe we just have a sound moral perspective that your entitled ass doesn’t have. It’s amazing how those with the most are also the most selfish.

How is not wanting your step-mother’s children to inherit YOUR family heirlooms selfish?

I am actually on board with having a conversation about family heirlooms. But I suspect for a lot of the people posting here the beloved family heirlooms = $$$$. And the cash is 100% the father’s to use or give away as he sees fit.

OP sounds like she has her head screwed on very well. She said up thread that there aren’t any sentimental items that she wants. So her husband is just grubbing for her father‘s money. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(she is 58, my dad is 68)

Roughly the same ages as my father and his 2nd wife when he remarried. He died 7 years later, so they had been together 10 years total. The "sweet" retired teacher 2nd wife got EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. No drama in our family, we were all very close with our dad, the 2nd wife was always nice. But again, she got EVERYTHING. Leading up to his death her family had helped orchestrate everything to go to her. Her sister was a lawyer, her brother was an accountant.

Yes, she helped him as he died on a terminal illness for 2 years. But is 2 years of in-home care worth over 3 million dollars? No, it is not. We were robbed by the 2nd wife.

You've been warned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is being a jerk and you should tell him point blank to butt out. I think you have the right attitude about not wanting to tell your dad how to live his life. It sounds like you have a good relationship with him and want him to be happy. That’s wonderful and you shouldn’t apologize for it or engage with your DH over his stupid comments.

+1

You could also tell your DH that whatever your dad leaves in his will to his family will be to his immediate family (you) and not to your DH - and that it will not be marital property he can access or make use of.

For heaven's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not wrong tho....to ask about the will.

He is wrong. It has nothing to do with him. He is nosy and greedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's being insensitive, but he's right about the will. Unless she's signed a prenup, she'll likely be entitled to at least 50% of his assets, as well as all of his retirement accounts. So if you were counting on that, forget about it.

Yes, just because husband is being a jerk about it, doesn't mean he's entirely wrong. It is a concern. And it can be awkward AF to discuss, and you can state that up front. If there are currently understandings in place about inheritance (whatever that may be), then now is a very good time to bring it up and say "hey, I would like to have this discussion now, so we are all on the same page. Before mom died, I understood that you were planning to do X and Y – is that something that is going to change?" But this is your conversation to have with your father. And if you genuinely don't care (and won't in the future) then you don't have to do anything.

If it is a concern, it's OP's concern - not her DH's. OP's.

[Anonymous]

The only people here attacking the husband are jealous broke people and lonely harpies who hope to bag an old rich guy.

Everyone normal with a loving family knows your husband is 100% spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's being insensitive, but he's right about the will. Unless she's signed a prenup, she'll likely be entitled to at least 50% of his assets, as well as all of his retirement accounts. So if you were counting on that, forget about it.

Yes, just because husband is being a jerk about it, doesn't mean he's entirely wrong. It is a concern. And it can be awkward AF to discuss, and you can state that up front. If there are currently understandings in place about inheritance (whatever that may be), then now is a very good time to bring it up and say "hey, I would like to have this discussion now, so we are all on the same page. Before mom died, I understood that you were planning to do X and Y – is that something that is going to change?" But this is your conversation to have with your father. And if you genuinely don't care (and won't in the future) then you don't have to do anything.

If it is a concern, it's OP's concern - not her DH's. OP's.

We get it, you're a bitter unmarried person. Thanks for the sage marriage advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You seem overly sensitive about this. Calm down.

Your husband has a practical and cynical outlook, but he's not necessarily wrong and is not blinded by filial devotion.

Keep loving and supporting your father, but respect that your husband is looking out for you financially.

Thanks for sharing your perspective and adding the part about calming down, which is always helpful.

I read a lot of the comments here with interest. I don't think there is a way for me to bring up my dad's will with him without seeming insensitive. Even if my intentions are good, asking someone about their will is very tricky - they should be bringing it up, not you. This is why I am offended by my husband's comments, even if his intentions were pure.

Do you have any good suggestions for how to approach this conversation?

I would not raise the topic with your dad, given that you have the few sentimental items you want.

I would, however, tell your DH that if you inherit anything from your dad, it will be yours alone and that you will not comingle it with marital property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's being insensitive, but he's right about the will. Unless she's signed a prenup, she'll likely be entitled to at least 50% of his assets, as well as all of his retirement accounts. So if you were counting on that, forget about it.

Yes, just because husband is being a jerk about it, doesn't mean he's entirely wrong. It is a concern. And it can be awkward AF to discuss, and you can state that up front. If there are currently understandings in place about inheritance (whatever that may be), then now is a very good time to bring it up and say "hey, I would like to have this discussion now, so we are all on the same page. Before mom died, I understood that you were planning to do X and Y – is that something that is going to change?" But this is your conversation to have with your father. And if you genuinely don't care (and won't in the future) then you don't have to do anything.

If it is a concern, it's OP's concern - not her DH's. OP's.

We get it, you're a bitter unmarried person. Thanks for the sage marriage advice.

Actually, I'm a happily married person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(she is 58, my dad is 68)

Roughly the same ages as my father and his 2nd wife when he remarried. He died 7 years later, so they had been together 10 years total. The "sweet" retired teacher 2nd wife got EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. No drama in our family, we were all very close with our dad, the 2nd wife was always nice. But again, she got EVERYTHING. Leading up to his death her family had helped orchestrate everything to go to her. Her sister was a lawyer, her brother was an accountant.

Yes, she helped him as he died on a terminal illness for 2 years. But is 2 years of in-home care worth over 3 million dollars? No, it is not. We were robbed by the 2nd wife.

You've been warned.

Your father made his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(she is 58, my dad is 68)

Roughly the same ages as my father and his 2nd wife when he remarried. He died 7 years later, so they had been together 10 years total. The "sweet" retired teacher 2nd wife got EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. No drama in our family, we were all very close with our dad, the 2nd wife was always nice. But again, she got EVERYTHING. Leading up to his death her family had helped orchestrate everything to go to her. Her sister was a lawyer, her brother was an accountant.

Yes, she helped him as he died on a terminal illness for 2 years. But is 2 years of in-home care worth over 3 million dollars? No, it is not. We were robbed by the 2nd wife.

You've been warned.

Your father made his choice.

What an awful thing to say! Sounds like the second wife took advantage of the situation and PP got screwed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not wrong tho....to ask about the will.

He is wrong. It has nothing to do with him. He is nosy and greedy.

Or, he's looking out for his wife?

[Anonymous]

It's M.O.N.E.Y. He's terrified the new wife will spend your inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's M.O.N.E.Y. He's terrified the new wife will spend your inheritance.

As has been brought up many times already in this thread, it's NOT just money.

There is also the issue of burial/cremation if the dad dies before his new wife.

There is time that will now be spent away from his grandchildren.

I'm a pp whose FIL remarried very quickly after the death of my MIL. The new wife also had children and grandchildren. It was very obvious that our children and Dh's siblings' children were not "getting a new grandma" with this arrangement, but the new wife's grandchildren were getting a new grandpa. They go to every soccer game, birthday party, etc. for her grandchildren. FIL's grandchildren? Not even major life events like graduations, important religious ceremonies, etc.