Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

This. The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive. It would be immediate divorce.

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.

Is this what people tell themselves when choosing to stay with a cheating spouse? Wow.

In long marriages 20+ years, yes. Kids involved that would have to split their homes and sleep in different places? Yes.

It all depends on circumstances, the individuals and how the marriage was prior to the affair. The more you study infidelity and men you will learn that men in happy marriages will cheat (up to 60%). Studies reveal men in affairs rage have some of the highest marital satisfaction while women in affairs have some of the lowest marital satisfaction.

The question is what is he doing now? How is he acting? Is he in therapy? Were you happy prior? To throw away a 20+ year marriage on a midlife crisis and unaddressed issues is a fool’s errand and highly detrimental to the kids. Now, if this was a pattern and the marriage had always been riddled with problems and the affair was much more—different set of issues. It’s a fallacy that once a cheater always a cheater. Those that see the hurt and devastation in their spouse and do the work never want to go there again.

Nobody should judge anyone else. I’m fact, there are sooooo many people that face this issue in their marriage, make it work and come out stronger. You would never guess how many friends. Neighbors or even family may have suffered in silence. People don’t tell others about affairs.

God, I am so tired of people who don't consider the impact of the affair at all on the woman. Let's reframe what you just wrote -- "to stay in a 20+ year marriage to a man who would betray you in such a way, in whom you will never fully trust again, who was completely unable to restrain his own impulses for the benefit of the wife, marriage and kids, who could not explicitly name and negotiate openly whatever personal issues or conflict underpinned the affair is a fool's errand and highly detrimental to the wife and kids."

No one knows if a person who cheats will cheat again, but I chose not to live under that sword of Damocles, which was highly detrimental to me and my kids.

I didn't tell anyone else about my partner's affair, and that was a HUGE mistake. I allowed secrecy to take away my authenticity before my friends, my kids and in law family and my community. People who didn't know about the affair made false assumptions and judgments about behaviors and actions they could see and those false assumptions and judgments, uncorrected by me, were extremely damaging to me and my kids.

There are so many people who faced this issue in their marriage and ended up divorcing over it. I just found out yesterday that an affair was the reason for a good friend's divorce over 10 years ago. Neither half of the couple disclosed her affair.

I have every right to judge who I want in my life -- I don't want a spouse who has cheated, and I don't want to be intimate friends with a person who cheated on their spouse. IME, a cheater has deep problems living in reality and being honest and putting others needs before their own. It's my right to judge whether I want those people in my circle or not. I am in control of my own life and not obligated to continue to interact with people who are damaging.

The bolded is really astute. "Taking the high road" can be very isolating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

This. The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive. It would be immediate divorce.

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.

Is this what people tell themselves when choosing to stay with a cheating spouse? Wow.

In long marriages 20+ years, yes. Kids involved that would have to split their homes and sleep in different places? Yes.

It all depends on circumstances, the individuals and how the marriage was prior to the affair. The more you study infidelity and men you will learn that men in happy marriages will cheat (up to 60%). Studies reveal men in affairs rage have some of the highest marital satisfaction while women in affairs have some of the lowest marital satisfaction.

The question is what is he doing now? How is he acting? Is he in therapy? Were you happy prior? To throw away a 20+ year marriage on a midlife crisis and unaddressed issues is a fool’s errand and highly detrimental to the kids. Now, if this was a pattern and the marriage had always been riddled with problems and the affair was much more—different set of issues. It’s a fallacy that once a cheater always a cheater. Those that see the hurt and devastation in their spouse and do the work never want to go there again.

Nobody should judge anyone else. I’m fact, there are sooooo many people that face this issue in their marriage, make it work and come out stronger. You would never guess how many friends. Neighbors or even family may have suffered in silence. People don’t tell others about affairs.

Holy rationalization and blindness to your current circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Betrayed women should support one another. Everyone makes the choice that is best for themselves and their children.

You all should respect one another.

And if you have never been betrayed before (or just don’t know it), STFU.

"Do as I say, not as I do."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

It doesn’t really matter what it is called (“affair”? Or not an “affair”?). He was unfaithful to you by having sex with someone who is not his spouse. It is the lack of sexual faithfulness that matters, not what you call it.

Best wishes to you and I hope things work out to be whatever is best in the long run for you.

[Anonymous]

Serious question, to the therapists and those who have been through this, does “duration” matter at all in the end? If it was a month, or a year, or 3 years, or hell 7 years of illicit sex, is it worse the more time elapsed? Also, if he - because let’s assume men are categorically different - is nonetheless satisfied in marriage and very happy, as Dr Glass found in her students - does it fundamentally matter that the affair was long? If no, does it matter to the health of the marriage if his compartmentalizations only attached to the affair partner and not to his interactions with his family, friends, or wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Your H is wrong.

[Anonymous]

EGO is such a bad thing ... it makes us stay and go for the wrong reason.

I would never be that girl... EGO
I will stay and keep it a secret so nobody knows... EGO

If these are your reasons for staying or going they are based in EGO and it is a bad reason to stay or go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question, to the therapists and those who have been through this, does “duration” matter at all in the end? If it was a month, or a year, or 3 years, or hell 7 years of illicit sex, is it worse the more time elapsed? Also, if he - because let’s assume men are categorically different - is nonetheless satisfied in marriage and very happy, as Dr Glass found in her students - does it fundamentally matter that the affair was long? If no, does it matter to the health of the marriage if his compartmentalizations only attached to the affair partner and not to his interactions with his family, friends, or wife?

The type of affair matters more.

There are people in multi-year affairs with little emotional attachment; no burning need to be together constantly. They might have sex once a month or every other month. They might go several months without seeing each other at all. They never go out for dinners, tell each other their deepest darkest secrets, etc.

There are people in 6 month torrid affairs that had sex multiple times per week, ate lunch together every day, talked and saw each other constantly. They feel they can't be without the other person.

There are people that fell in love with a co-worker and people that were just looking for any random sex partner on an Internet dating website.

The longer it went on, obviously it's going to be more painful. BUT, I think a one-year very involved affair (overnights, constant togetherness, sex multiple times per week/month, working in the same office, etc) would be much more painful than a 2-3 year affair from some random person off the internet where they only met up for 40 min every other month or so. The betrayal is the same--awful.

Most male cheaters compartmentalize the affair in a completely separate box from family/wife/reality. It's common for them to state that they NEVER thought about the AP when with wife and family and never thought about the wife when with AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:EGO is such a bad thing ... it makes us stay and go for the wrong reason.

I would never be that girl... EGO
I will stay and keep it a secret so nobody knows... EGO

If these are your reasons for staying or going they are based in EGO and it is a bad reason to stay or go.

The EGO sometimes is related directly to your core values.

For instance, saying you would never stay with a cheater is not ego, but because you value monogamy/marriage vows/honesty and anyone that breaks that is not somebody you could ever imagine yourself being with.

Now say 20-years later spouse cheats, it's not really EGO but your values and life view that have been rocked. It takes a lot to get over that. You feel like you are betraying yourself and everything you believed in in life to forgive and stay with a cheater. It's really hard to fathom. But, yes, I get that it can be for the wrong reason people leave and often out of anger. This is why individual therapy is needed and time, time to really look at the big picture and how you see your future---future for you, your kids, etc. It really comes down to what the cheater does though. What type of effort and are they sincere? Are they committed? Are they truly up for digging deep and changing what led to the behavior. Alcohol and sex are often used by men to treat underlying/untreated depression, more often than therapy or anti-depressants. It's a fix, but it ends up making their lives worse overall and they end up hating themselves down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Your H is wrong.

I find it hard to believe he was the receiver and never 'gave' anything of himself to her. Did she really just blow him and never expect satisfaction herself now? I would lead with the assumption he reciprocated in some manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Your H is wrong.

I find it hard to believe he was the receiver and never 'gave' anything of himself to her. Did she really just blow him and never expect satisfaction herself now? I would lead with the assumption he reciprocated in some manner.

Hey, maybe it wasn’t a she.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question, to the therapists and those who have been through this, does “duration” matter at all in the end? If it was a month, or a year, or 3 years, or hell 7 years of illicit sex, is it worse the more time elapsed? Also, if he - because let’s assume men are categorically different - is nonetheless satisfied in marriage and very happy, as Dr Glass found in her students - does it fundamentally matter that the affair was long? If no, does it matter to the health of the marriage if his compartmentalizations only attached to the affair partner and not to his interactions with his family, friends, or wife?

The type of affair matters more.

There are people in multi-year affairs with little emotional attachment; no burning need to be together constantly. They might have sex once a month or every other month. They might go several months without seeing each other at all. They never go out for dinners, tell each other their deepest darkest secrets, etc.

There are people in 6 month torrid affairs that had sex multiple times per week, ate lunch together every day, talked and saw each other constantly. They feel they can't be without the other person.

There are people that fell in love with a co-worker and people that were just looking for any random sex partner on an Internet dating website.

The longer it went on, obviously it's going to be more painful. BUT, I think a one-year very involved affair (overnights, constant togetherness, sex multiple times per week/month, working in the same office, etc) would be much more painful than a 2-3 year affair from some random person off the internet where they only met up for 40 min every other month or so. The betrayal is the same--awful.

Most male cheaters compartmentalize the affair in a completely separate box from family/wife/reality. It's common for them to state that they NEVER thought about the AP when with wife and family and never thought about the wife when with AP.

But if they never thought about AP why continue it and maintain any contact? Why not let it be a one night thing??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Your H is wrong.

I find it hard to believe he was the receiver and never 'gave' anything of himself to her. Did she really just blow him and never expect satisfaction herself now? I would lead with the assumption he reciprocated in some manner.

Hey, maybe it wasn’t a she.

Then he’s gay and that is another issue entirely...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question, to the therapists and those who have been through this, does “duration” matter at all in the end? If it was a month, or a year, or 3 years, or hell 7 years of illicit sex, is it worse the more time elapsed? Also, if he - because let’s assume men are categorically different - is nonetheless satisfied in marriage and very happy, as Dr Glass found in her students - does it fundamentally matter that the affair was long? If no, does it matter to the health of the marriage if his compartmentalizations only attached to the affair partner and not to his interactions with his family, friends, or wife?

The type of affair matters more.

There are people in multi-year affairs with little emotional attachment; no burning need to be together constantly. They might have sex once a month or every other month. They might go several months without seeing each other at all. They never go out for dinners, tell each other their deepest darkest secrets, etc.

There are people in 6 month torrid affairs that had sex multiple times per week, ate lunch together every day, talked and saw each other constantly. They feel they can't be without the other person.

There are people that fell in love with a co-worker and people that were just looking for any random sex partner on an Internet dating website.

The longer it went on, obviously it's going to be more painful. BUT, I think a one-year very involved affair (overnights, constant togetherness, sex multiple times per week/month, working in the same office, etc) would be much more painful than a 2-3 year affair from some random person off the internet where they only met up for 40 min every other month or so. The betrayal is the same--awful.

Most male cheaters compartmentalize the affair in a completely separate box from family/wife/reality. It's common for them to state that they NEVER thought about the AP when with wife and family and never thought about the wife when with AP.

But if they never thought about AP why continue it and maintain any contact? Why not let it be a one night thing??

Because it’s sex. You obviously aren’t male.

This type of arrangement is like drinking a bottle of Jack. She’s the fix. Nothing more. A sure thing means not having to be on the constant hunt and “safer”.

[Anonymous]

^ if she’s giving it away for free and he’s not having to put much of any effort into it to keep the supply coming and not to mention no $, its pretty much a perfect arrangement for him.