Why do some women choose to be a sidepiece?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a side piece or OW/FWB with someone much older and I love it, because I’m not involved with anything very serious right now. I’ve been with him on and off in an FWB thing, and I’ve dated other people on and off. Were I to end up in something more serious, I’d probably let go of the sexual part of our relationship.

This guy is in a long term partnership/relationship with his girlfriend. I know for sure he’s had another affair years ago and it’s possible she’s been with someone else as well. They may have a dont ask/don’t tell agreement, though it’s not really my business. The thing is we are all friends and have a lot of mutual friends and I think some people might suspect. This particular circle of friends has a more casual view of sex as it is, but the main thing is that we are extremely attracted to each other and it’s hard to let go. It’s not really good for either of us because I should find someone I can actually be with and he is cheating nonetheless even though he isn’t actually married. I’ve just gotten spoiled by the great sex and I every time I try to make it happen with someone else it’s just...meh.

TL;DR

Scanned the 1st and last sentence. The rest is probably self absorbed “my story is different” BS.

Nobody wants you so you settle to be a side piece. You might find a worthwhile partner if you stop and work on yourself. Right now you don’t deserve better. There is hope though, get therapy.

+1

The bottom line is - no one is a side piece who could be a wife.

That is simply not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many cheated on wives on this thread?

It’s just a few. But they are angry elves.

Don't assume they are all wives.

Not true. Not a cheated on wife. Not angry either but just don’t think cheating is right, it’s making yourself happy at other women’s expense.

[Anonymous]

I think you have accepted that men do this and are fine with it and so can see that cheating is not a big deal. For some of us, it is a big deal and so would find it hard to accept. I think this difference in mindset is what you are seeing play out on this thread. I don’t think the blame should be yours because it’s the husband’s fault.

As others have mentioned in this thread, many men cheat because of the excitement that this type of relationship brings. That would be hard to replicate in a marriage and so what many men say about not enough/good sex could be a red herring. Also, your description of those men as having sense of duty and respect for their wives seems in contrast to the way many of us would see it as antithesis to our views about trust and respect.

Would you be ok if your husband ever cheated on you (if you were to get married)? How would you screen for men who would be prone to this type of behavior?

NP here, and man who cheated. How to screen?

First, I think most men are capable of cheating and there is a lot of truth to the idea that men are in general as faithful as their options. So if you are married to an attractive, charming man, and one who travels for work from time to time, it's probably (but not certainly) going to happen. Which doesn't mean a years long affair but perhaps a ONS at a work conference.

To screen otherwise, two things: One, make sure he is genuine and really believes in monogamy. For me, I get the appeal of it but I really don't see it as realistic and would openly acknowledge this (and if my wife cheated I would totally understand). Second, and this is going to provoke a backlash here but it's true: keep the marital bed warm and be sexually adventerous together. Give him something to lose and make you his top of mind. It's cliche but my wife has totally and completely checked out sexually which makes the decision to take the plunge a lot easier to stomach. Again, there are men who cheat on their wives who have a great sex life but they are less common than men who are truly sexually starved. I hear from them, men are pretty open with each other about this.



Thanks for answering the question. Sort of interesting that you mention women should just ask the men their opinion on monogamy. Although you have indicated that you would answer honestly, I’m wondering if most men would in their younger years. Nevertheless, it’s a good suggestion.

As to your second point, I think that is often the excuse used to justify cheating. Honestly, you can say not good enough sex is the reason for cheating but that’s a subjective metric, especially in long term marriage. I think it’s often an excuse so that you can justify sex with someone new which makes it automatically exciting. You and your friends use “not good sex” to justify what you all want to do. If you divorce, you can get really good and new sex all the time. Just go divorce.

This brings it back to figuring out before marriage which men are more likely to cheat. As you said, not all men cheat. Does it have to do with selfishness, thrill seeking....?

[Anonymous]

Not sure what answer you want to hear so I will be as blunt as possible, and I expect you may eyeroll but here's my anonymous honest answer:.

Monogamy is completely unnatural for all men, probably also for most women. So that desire to sleep with other women fluctuates from something that seems like fun to a complete obsession. Part of what drives it is whether he is sexually happy at home. I have heard men say this, candidly, something like "she looks wild but I wouldn't risk it because my wife is wilder.". So again it does matter if you keep him sexually satisfied but it's not a guarantee.

Also, I promise you a lot of men really are sexually deprived. My situation, sex in 2019 is in single digits. A decade of conversations has changed nothing. You suggest divorce like it's as easy as a dentist visit, without considering the massive disruption to my kids, among others.

Anyway, there are no guarantees, but much like your health, you can eat and exercise and lower your chances of sudden death, but even people who do it all can still drop dead. Monogamy is the biggest problem and if they have options most but not all men cave at some point

[Anonymous]

No cheater is going to tell you he is going to cheat on you. And some men have the best intentions and still cheat because circumstances or low period in the marriage or weak or cowardly or whatever the reason. You roll the dice and hope for the best. No couple has ticked 50 years with each other and not struggled with something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wining and dining are also pretty fun. I have a very nice collection of some fine wines.

You know there’s literally a word for selling sex for expensive stuff right?

Dating?

Oh dear. The new generation of women. Whores and proud of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what answer you want to hear so I will be as blunt as possible, and I expect you may eyeroll but here's my anonymous honest answer:.

Monogamy is completely unnatural for all men, probably also for most women. So that desire to sleep with other women fluctuates from something that seems like fun to a complete obsession. Part of what drives it is whether he is sexually happy at home. I have heard men say this, candidly, something like "she looks wild but I wouldn't risk it because my wife is wilder.". So again it does matter if you keep him sexually satisfied but it's not a guarantee.

Also, I promise you a lot of men really are sexually deprived. My situation, sex in 2019 is in single digits. A decade of conversations has changed nothing. You suggest divorce like it's as easy as a dentist visit, without considering the massive disruption to my kids, among others.

Anyway, there are no guarantees, but much like your health, you can eat and exercise and lower your chances of sudden death, but even people who do it all can still drop dead. Monogamy is the biggest problem and if they have options most but not all men cave at some point

You’re right about the eye roll. Men who think sex with their wives is good will not cheat and vice versa. You’ve got the cause and effect reversed in your post.

Monogamy is completely natural to me and so I get tired of this monogamy not being crap. It’s what you expect of yourself. Your attitude has been that it’s not requisite in your marriage and so of course you don’t expect monogamy to be natural. You’ve got it backwards.

Just because divorce isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s not the right purse. You should never have gotten married if you didn’t believe in monogamy. Just divorce. It will be awesome for you. No monogamy pressures.

[Anonymous]

It's never about the other woman or man. It's YOUR marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what answer you want to hear so I will be as blunt as possible, and I expect you may eyeroll but here's my anonymous honest answer:.

Monogamy is completely unnatural for all men, probably also for most women. So that desire to sleep with other women fluctuates from something that seems like fun to a complete obsession. Part of what drives it is whether he is sexually happy at home. I have heard men say this, candidly, something like "she looks wild but I wouldn't risk it because my wife is wilder.". So again it does matter if you keep him sexually satisfied but it's not a guarantee.

Also, I promise you a lot of men really are sexually deprived. My situation, sex in 2019 is in single digits. A decade of conversations has changed nothing. You suggest divorce like it's as easy as a dentist visit, without considering the massive disruption to my kids, among others.

Anyway, there are no guarantees, but much like your health, you can eat and exercise and lower your chances of sudden death, but even people who do it all can still drop dead. Monogamy is the biggest problem and if they have options most but not all men cave at some point

You’re right about the eye roll. Men who think sex with their wives is good will not cheat and vice versa. You’ve got the cause and effect reversed in your post.

Monogamy is completely natural to me and so I get tired of this monogamy not being crap. It’s what you expect of yourself. Your attitude has been that it’s not requisite in your marriage and so of course you don’t expect monogamy to be natural. You’ve got it backwards.

Just because divorce isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s not the right purse. You should never have gotten married if you didn’t believe in monogamy. Just divorce. It will be awesome for you. No monogamy pressures.

All men want and desire other women. 100% of them. Not 99%. So the question is what makes a man resist what he wants with all his desire. Lack of opportunities is one. Sexually satisfied is another. Impulse control. Something to lose. That's your list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re right about the eye roll. Men who think sex with their wives is good will not cheat and vice versa. You’ve got the cause and effect reversed in your post.

You know what's an ever bigger eye roll? Women who think they can start out having a normal active sex life, then lose interest after a few years, yet still expect their man to remain faithful. Of the couple dozen cheating men I know, 90% of them were pushed that way after endless rejection at home. YOU have the cause/effect reversed lady!

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is completely natural to me and so I get tired of this monogamy not being crap. It’s what you expect of yourself. Your attitude has been that it’s not requisite in your marriage and so of course you don’t expect monogamy to be natural. You’ve got it backwards.

I'm glad you are so monogamous: let us hope you are not also a sexless wife to go with that ... expecting your husband also to remain monogamous.

Anonymous wrote:Just because divorce isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s not the right purse. You should never have gotten married if you didn’t believe in monogamy. Just divorce. It will be awesome for you. No monogamy pressures.

If you don't want a normal sex life with your spouse, just divorce. Only fair that the abnormal libido person who changed should initiate the divorce. You should never have gotten married if you were not committed to an active normal sex life. It will be awesome: plenty of no sex and no worries about a non-monogamous husband.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I feel like these posts really peak around the holidays.are people just slippy about their affairs around Christmas?

OW are a mess this week. Year after year after year.

Yup. It’s when they realize they’re always someone’s second choice. Who wants to live like that?

OW aren’t the ones starting these threads. It sucks when you have a nagging feeling that your spouse might be cheating, and they all but confirm it when they go out for milk on Christmas evening and don’t come back for three hours, and when you saw some charges on the credit card bill that don’t match what’s under the tree for you.

There whole hours

Vs cuddling in bed xmas morning with his kids giggling all around.

As he watches the clock waiting to escape you for a few blissful hours.

You’re with a guy who describes getting away from his children is escaping wow that’s sad.

Who said anything about escaping the children? Previous post said “you.”

The post she responded to was about him cuddling in bed xmas morning with his kids.

Are you saying the wife is wholly absent from this bed cuddling and it’s just dad and the kids? Everyone’s happier when mom goes downstairs to make coffee?

NP. pP misunderstood. It was a snarky exchange between AP to DW. PP misapplied “you”: the comment referred to getting away from cuddles with DW and kids for “milk” and his own cuddles and giggles with AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a side piece. Part self esteem issues. Part anger issues (AP is my side piece). Part sexual attraction. Part gullible. Part wishful thinking. Part pure selfishness.

So you don't care that he's intimate with his wife or SO or anybody else?

I know you are going to scoff, but he isn't.

Listen if he will cheat with you he will cheat on you.

THOTS DONT CARE!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one chooses it. They just ran out of other options.

This is the answer. It is absolutely no one’s first choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what answer you want to hear so I will be as blunt as possible, and I expect you may eyeroll but here's my anonymous honest answer:.

Monogamy is completely unnatural for all men, probably also for most women. So that desire to sleep with other women fluctuates from something that seems like fun to a complete obsession. Part of what drives it is whether he is sexually happy at home. I have heard men say this, candidly, something like "she looks wild but I wouldn't risk it because my wife is wilder.". So again it does matter if you keep him sexually satisfied but it's not a guarantee.

Also, I promise you a lot of men really are sexually deprived. My situation, sex in 2019 is in single digits. A decade of conversations has changed nothing. You suggest divorce like it's as easy as a dentist visit, without considering the massive disruption to my kids, among others.

Anyway, there are no guarantees, but much like your health, you can eat and exercise and lower your chances of sudden death, but even people who do it all can still drop dead. Monogamy is the biggest problem and if they have options most but not all men cave at some point

What is your definition of natural? I think about it as eating healthy: is it natural or do you need to make a conscious choice? Given a chance, most of people will cave at some point into eating junk food. But if you have some brain, you don't let your stomach dictate your life. Same is with sex: you should not let your penis dictate your life. Man can think, look at or desire another women -- but weather to act on those desires or not, it is up to men's moral values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what answer you want to hear so I will be as blunt as possible, and I expect you may eyeroll but here's my anonymous honest answer:.

Monogamy is completely unnatural for all men, probably also for most women. So that desire to sleep with other women fluctuates from something that seems like fun to a complete obsession. Part of what drives it is whether he is sexually happy at home. I have heard men say this, candidly, something like "she looks wild but I wouldn't risk it because my wife is wilder.". So again it does matter if you keep him sexually satisfied but it's not a guarantee.

Also, I promise you a lot of men really are sexually deprived. My situation, sex in 2019 is in single digits. A decade of conversations has changed nothing. You suggest divorce like it's as easy as a dentist visit, without considering the massive disruption to my kids, among others.

Anyway, there are no guarantees, but much like your health, you can eat and exercise and lower your chances of sudden death, but even people who do it all can still drop dead. Monogamy is the biggest problem and if they have options most but not all men cave at some point

What is your definition of natural? I think about it as eating healthy: is it natural or do you need to make a conscious choice? Given a chance, most of people will cave at some point into eating junk food. But if you have some brain, you don't let your stomach dictate your life. Same is with sex: you should not let your penis dictate your life. Man can think, look at or desire another women -- but weather to act on those desires or not, it is up to men's moral values.

Using your food analogy, imagine if he is starving because their is no food at home. Now imagine someone put the most delicious food in front of him and no one is watching.

That doesn't account for all cheating scenarios but it does account for some and explains why some good people can make a mistake. Feed your partner and younlessen but not eliminate the risk.