How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?

[Anonymous]

If you dont feed a dog, you will be charged with a crime. If you stop having sex with an insufferable man like you, you will be applauded and understood and supported by all. See the difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is from a therapist's blog. It literally describes angry sexless man, he is textbook!

As a therapist, I find most of the reasons that cheating men use to justify their infidelity fascinating. Because almost all of these reasons imply that the cheating was the only logical solution to their relationship issues and other life problems. I often find myself thinking, “Sure, cheating is an option, but only one among many. How about taking up a hobby, or volunteering and making the world a better place, or actually talking to your significant other about what you’re feeling and how the two of you might be able to craft a more fulfilling relationship? Wouldn’t any of those choices be better than lying, manipulating, and keeping important secrets from a person you truly care about?”

But most cheating men don’t have that type of insight. So, when confronted, they minimize, rationalize, and justify their behavior with statements like:

Every guy wants to have sex with other people. And when the opportunity arises, he takes it.
It’s a man’s biological imperative to have sex with as many people as he can. Why should I be any different?
If I got enough (or better) sex at home, I wouldn’t need to cheat.
I’m not doing anything that most of my buddies don’t do. If you don’t believe me, ask them.
If my partner hadn’t gained so much weight (or if my partner was nicer to me, or more attentive, or whatever), I wouldn’t have even thought about going elsewhere.
If my job wasn’t so stressful, I wouldn’t need the release I get from online sex.
Cheating? Really? I mean, who would rationally call getting lap dance in a strip club infidelity? It’s just what guys do for fun.
My dad looked at magazines and went to strip clubs, and that wasn’t a big deal. Well, I have webcam chats and interactive sex. What’s the difference?
If the police had been out chasing actual bad guys, I wouldn’t have gotten caught in that prostitution sting. Why don’t they go after some real criminals?
I’m only sexting and flirting. Where’s the harm in that? I don’t meet up with any of these people in person. It’s just a game to me.
In the therapy business, we have a name for this type of reasoning. We call it denial. From a psychotherapy perspective, denial is a series of internal lies and deceits that people tell themselves to make their questionable behaviors seem OK (in their own mind). Typically, each self-deception is supported by one or more rationalizations, with each rationalization bolstered by still more falsehoods. In the eyes of an impartial observer, a cheating man’s denial typically looks about as solid as a house of cards in a stiff breeze, yet these men will doggedly insist their rationale is sound.

Absolutely correct. Thanks for posting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not a need. Sex is not a need. You will not die without sex. You may find it unpleasant. You may find it so unpleasant you would choose not to continue on that way. And that's ok. Your wife is cool staying in a marriage without sex. Shes been clear with you... she does not want to have sex with you. Shes not hiding it. Shes probably going to be happy if she never sees your dick again. You know this information.

Now it is your turn to tell her that it is unacceptable to you, and that you plan to stay married but seek sex elsewhere. But you wont do that, because you are afraid of the consequences. You are a coward.

YES!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.

+1000

My kids don't need to know if my spouse and I decide to employ some kinky moves in the bedroom. Hell, they don't even need to know if we decide to invite a third person into the bedroom. But these things are not the same as betraying your spouse. How are you so callous?

Then just tell them that your dad is dates outside the marriage and he takes his girlfriend on vacations and spends Valentines with her. No need to discuss sex.

You do know that dating others in your marriage without the wife’s consent is still cheating right?
Also, older kids will know what that means anyway.

Yes I do. But they don’t need to know about the kinky sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's how my stbxh cheating impacted my kid (and I was not fat or sexless with him): he stayed at 'office' until 2 am so couldn't even have dinner with kid or say goodnight, because of feeling bad about his lies turned into an alcoholic and got impatient and verbally abusive towards kid, because of alcohol took viagra on a daily basis and suffered of side effects with sinuses and headaches, became even more impatient and high strung with kid, frowned and spoilt upon each and every family vacation and spoilt it for kid, would not admit to cheating but get me engaged in reconciliation talks for hours to supposedly save family during which kid would be parked in front of tv for hours, re-established kid to sleep in our bed in the middle so he wouldn't be confronted with my sexual advances - now kid is 6yo, can't sleep alone and is ashamed and feels dumb ...
This is the list of effects before cheating was discovered and cheater was removed from house. List goes on and doesn't get any better now, I can assure you.
Just one quote from kid: I don't like Andy anymore. Because he married Jane. That means he's her husband. Husbands just leave and make everybody sad.

Your ex sounds like my Dad. My Dad was a serial cheater, my Mom didn’t deserve the way he treated her, I was 8 when I found out about my Dad’s cheating. If the kids found out and it depends how the kids find out it can have serious consequences. My dad got his ap pregant while she was still married to her first husband, I hVe a half brother who was lied to all his life until he found out the dates of my parents divorce and his moms divorce, and his birthday date. Well by that time his mom was on husband number 3 and my Dad on wife number 4.

For those who cheat and have kids it’s more of a feeling of betrayal and lack of respect. I would of wished that my dad divorced my mom instead of making her suffer the way she did.

If you are unhappy divorce, seriously why be miserable in a failing marriage. Kids, can understand that, shire they will be hurt, but it’s better than finding out one parent is a liar. There’s a lot of work involved in cheating. Lie, covering your tracks etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

You just do not like my position: a sexless person must bring forth the reasons for their sexlessess, divorce, or accept infidelity.
Your position is simply the biased inverse: a cheater must (somehow!) ascertain/fix why their spouse doesn't want sex, divorce, or accept celibacy.

You not liking my position does not make my bitter, illogical, in need of help. I could make same childish claims of you.

This may be difficult for you but it’s not complicated. You made a vow and you are breaking or have broken it. You say you do it or did it because of what someone else is/was doing. That is the excuse of a child: “but they made me do it!” As an adult, you can only control what you do and only you control what you do. You cheat or cheated. You. Simple, perhaps difficult for you.

Those vows are bidirectional: one does not pledge sexual fidelity to a spouse who cares nothing about sexual needs. Both sides of this vow are broken. I am neither making excuses, nor assessing blame, because there is no wrong here to excuse or offense, only choices. One spouse chooses not to have sex, another chooses to have it elsewhere. Neither is better or worse or morally right or wrong. My logic is precisely the same as yours... just the opposite position. Too bad that you do not like this. I would advise you either maintain a healthy sex life or divorce.

Sorry, buddy. You are assessing blame and making excuses: “It’s Spouse’s fault I cheated! Spouse made me do it!” This is exactly what you are saying. And yes, it is a choice. A choice between honesty and mendaciousness. And yes, it is a moral issue - are you saying that lying is not a moral issue? You choose to lie; no one is making you do it. And you lie to your children too.

Again, I can make equal claims about you blaming and making excuses for a sexless spouse ("it's HIS fault ... that I withhold sex"). That is an equivalent choice. What do you mean honesty? Who is lying? About what? Who what do the children have to do with this at all? You still do not make any sense!

Most of us got married because we wanted to be with the whole person. FOR BETTER of FOR WORSE! Not as long as my d@@k is being regularly serviced.

"for better or for worse" then must also apply when your spouse gets their sexual needs met elsewhere. If you get a dog and then later decide not to feed him, either give up the dog or do not protest when the dog sneaks next door for his meals. This is not rocket science, and it really seems like you are the angry bitter one among us.

This person has to just be trolling. No one is this dim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

You just do not like my position: a sexless person must bring forth the reasons for their sexlessess, divorce, or accept infidelity.
Your position is simply the biased inverse: a cheater must (somehow!) ascertain/fix why their spouse doesn't want sex, divorce, or accept celibacy.

You not liking my position does not make my bitter, illogical, in need of help. I could make same childish claims of you.

This may be difficult for you but it’s not complicated. You made a vow and you are breaking or have broken it. You say you do it or did it because of what someone else is/was doing. That is the excuse of a child: “but they made me do it!” As an adult, you can only control what you do and only you control what you do. You cheat or cheated. You. Simple, perhaps difficult for you.

Those vows are bidirectional: one does not pledge sexual fidelity to a spouse who cares nothing about sexual needs. Both sides of this vow are broken. I am neither making excuses, nor assessing blame, because there is no wrong here to excuse or offense, only choices. One spouse chooses not to have sex, another chooses to have it elsewhere. Neither is better or worse or morally right or wrong. My logic is precisely the same as yours... just the opposite position. Too bad that you do not like this. I would advise you either maintain a healthy sex life or divorce.

Sorry, buddy. You are assessing blame and making excuses: “It’s Spouse’s fault I cheated! Spouse made me do it!” This is exactly what you are saying. And yes, it is a choice. A choice between honesty and mendaciousness. And yes, it is a moral issue - are you saying that lying is not a moral issue? You choose to lie; no one is making you do it. And you lie to your children too.

Again, I can make equal claims about you blaming and making excuses for a sexless spouse ("it's HIS fault ... that I withhold sex"). That is an equivalent choice. What do you mean honesty? Who is lying? About what? Who what do the children have to do with this at all? You still do not make any sense!

Wow. Denial is right.

PP, are you cheating or have you cheated on your spouse? By that I mean, have you had sex with another person while married and without telling your spouse? You do remember promising not to do that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not a need. Sex is not a need. You will not die without sex. You may find it unpleasant. You may find it so unpleasant you would choose not to continue on that way. And that's ok. Your wife is cool staying in a marriage without sex. Shes been clear with you... she does not want to have sex with you. Shes not hiding it. Shes probably going to be happy if she never sees your dick again. You know this information.

Now it is your turn to tell her that it is unacceptable to you, and that you plan to stay married but seek sex elsewhere. But you wont do that, because you are afraid of the consequences. You are a coward.

Fidelity is not a need. No one will die if a spouse goes elsewhere. You might choose to divorce over it, so if you don’t want sex with your spouse then maybe you should just get divorced and face the consequences of being a sexless spouse who cannot accept infidelity for what it is: the only way to save a sexless marriage (of your choosing). You are a hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not a need. Sex is not a need. You will not die without sex. You may find it unpleasant. You may find it so unpleasant you would choose not to continue on that way. And that's ok. Your wife is cool staying in a marriage without sex. Shes been clear with you... she does not want to have sex with you. Shes not hiding it. Shes probably going to be happy if she never sees your dick again. You know this information.

Now it is your turn to tell her that it is unacceptable to you, and that you plan to stay married but seek sex elsewhere. But you wont do that, because you are afraid of the consequences. You are a coward.

Fidelity is not a need. No one will die if a spouse goes elsewhere. You might choose to divorce over it, so if you don’t want sex with your spouse then maybe you should just get divorced and face the consequences of being a sexless spouse who cannot accept infidelity for what it is: the only way to save a sexless marriage (of your choosing). You are a hypocrite.

Fidelity was your promise. You are choosing to break that promise. And probably lying about it while telling your kids not to lie.

Unless you have a clause in your vows about requiring your spouse to sleep with you, you are the hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won't believe me and that's ok, but divorce is the easy way out. My spouse isn't interested in sex and I am not interested in splitting up my kids on a custody schedule.

Staying is easiest for those too insecure to leave. Your children are way better off living with two parents who actually show respect, even if that is not together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Denial is right.

PP, are you cheating or have you cheated on your spouse? By that I mean, have you had sex with another person while married and without telling your spouse? You do remember promising not to do that, right?

Must I repeat this? Those vows are bidirectional. The couple promises to have sex only with one another. THAT is the vow! And a sexless wife breaks this vow. You cannot impose only one side of this bilateral promise about marital sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not a need. Sex is not a need. You will not die without sex. You may find it unpleasant. You may find it so unpleasant you would choose not to continue on that way. And that's ok. Your wife is cool staying in a marriage without sex. Shes been clear with you... she does not want to have sex with you. Shes not hiding it. Shes probably going to be happy if she never sees your dick again. You know this information.

Now it is your turn to tell her that it is unacceptable to you, and that you plan to stay married but seek sex elsewhere. But you wont do that, because you are afraid of the consequences. You are a coward.

Fidelity is not a need. No one will die if a spouse goes elsewhere. You might choose to divorce over it, so if you don’t want sex with your spouse then maybe you should just get divorced and face the consequences of being a sexless spouse who cannot accept infidelity for what it is: the only way to save a sexless marriage (of your choosing). You are a hypocrite.

Fidelity was your promise. You are choosing to break that promise. And probably lying about it while telling your kids not to lie.

Unless you have a clause in your vows about requiring your spouse to sleep with you, you are the hypocrite.

Again I inform you those vows are bidrectional. A sexless wife breaks this promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is from a therapist's blog. It literally describes angry sexless man, he is textbook!

As a therapist, I find most of the reasons that cheating men use to justify their infidelity fascinating. Because almost all of these reasons imply that the cheating was the only logical solution to their relationship issues and other life problems. I often find myself thinking, “Sure, cheating is an option, but only one among many. How about taking up a hobby, or volunteering and making the world a better place, or actually talking to your significant other about what you’re feeling and how the two of you might be able to craft a more fulfilling relationship? Wouldn’t any of those choices be better than lying, manipulating, and keeping important secrets from a person you truly care about?”

But most cheating men don’t have that type of insight. So, when confronted, they minimize, rationalize, and justify their behavior with statements like:

Every guy wants to have sex with other people. And when the opportunity arises, he takes it.
It’s a man’s biological imperative to have sex with as many people as he can. Why should I be any different?
If I got enough (or better) sex at home, I wouldn’t need to cheat.
I’m not doing anything that most of my buddies don’t do. If you don’t believe me, ask them.
If my partner hadn’t gained so much weight (or if my partner was nicer to me, or more attentive, or whatever), I wouldn’t have even thought about going elsewhere.
If my job wasn’t so stressful, I wouldn’t need the release I get from online sex.
Cheating? Really? I mean, who would rationally call getting lap dance in a strip club infidelity? It’s just what guys do for fun.
My dad looked at magazines and went to strip clubs, and that wasn’t a big deal. Well, I have webcam chats and interactive sex. What’s the difference?
If the police had been out chasing actual bad guys, I wouldn’t have gotten caught in that prostitution sting. Why don’t they go after some real criminals?
I’m only sexting and flirting. Where’s the harm in that? I don’t meet up with any of these people in person. It’s just a game to me.
In the therapy business, we have a name for this type of reasoning. We call it denial. From a psychotherapy perspective, denial is a series of internal lies and deceits that people tell themselves to make their questionable behaviors seem OK (in their own mind). Typically, each self-deception is supported by one or more rationalizations, with each rationalization bolstered by still more falsehoods. In the eyes of an impartial observer, a cheating man’s denial typically looks about as solid as a house of cards in a stiff breeze, yet these men will doggedly insist their rationale is sound.

Absolutely correct. Thanks for posting

+1 and not surprising, we've seen most of those excuses on this forum from people who cheat.

Also interesting, the bolded perfectly describes Trump, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Then divorce you say? Go back to why they are cheating in the place instead of divorcing. They don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. They may love and care about their families and don't want to get divorced or break up their family unit.

No. Just, no. Cheating is a passive aggressive way of blowing up a marriage. You are choosing to do something that is a dealbreaker, intentionally deceiving your spouse in the hope that they find out and make the decision to end the marriage for you. That is what a coward does. A coward is someone who is too afraid to face the consequences of their actions. Full stop.

You have the sequence wrong. Follow carefully:
1. One spouse stops wanting sex
2. Normal libido spouse cheats

The marriage already “blew up” at step 1. The rejecting partner SHOULD initiate the divorce before step 2 ever happens. I mean if a spouse is so terrible that you don’t even want sex with him, then get divorced already!!! Don’t be a sexless coward. Face the consequences of your sexless action. Full stop. There is no step 2.

You're carrying on and on about sexless marriages and completely ignore the fact that in many marriages shaken by adultery, sex happens (well, happened before the discovery) at a good clip. The cheater isn't really doing it because he (or she) gets no sex at home. They do it because they want new sex with a new person, or because they are no longer interested in having sex with their partner for any number of reasons that come with everyday adult life - monotony, change in appearance, old resentments, fatigue, family stress, whatever.

[Anonymous]

For the bitter man: how are you with your wife? Why do you want to stay in your marriage if you’re so miserable? I mean money can’t be that worth it for you since you’re so miserable and probably a miserable man in general.

Also, what would you be like if your wife had to give up sex for health reasons? Would you then say that she needs to divorce you because of sexlessness?