How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).

You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.

That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.

Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.

You truly are a tool.

It is not about the sex you simpleton. It is about the lies and deceit. That is what will have an affect on your children.

Different poster but I agree with PP: kids do not and should not care about their parents’ sex lives whether marital or extramarital.
A cheating spouse is deceitful to the spouse—not the child.
Marriage is between husband and wife. Not parent and child.
A reality check of what is pretend and what is not is not just with cheating.
Stop making marriage just about faithfulness or lack thereof. It is more complex.
Some people cheat to leave. Some people cheat to stay in a marriage. Regardless, sex has nothing to do with kids. People who involve their kids and disclose an affair to purposefully harm the relationship with the other parent is far worse than a cheater.

No they are not. They break the foundation of the family unit. They put in jeopardy their children's emotional and financial health.

It has everything to do with the children, you think you are compartmentalizing but you are not. Your action affect everybody around you. If you cared about your kids you would see it but you are selfish and manipulative and can't see the truth.

Since you are so pro-family for the sake of kids, then you really should be a big supporter of affairs. Because, in the typical cheating-due-to-sexless-marriage scenario, an affair is the ONLY way to prevent divorce.

DP... if both parties are willing, that's one thing. But that's not what we are referring to. Typical behavior of cheaters to justify their infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Therefore, I would want my dad to have consequences (ones that I can control) if he did cheat. I don't think hate is the answer but strong consequences are important

Oh God, another DCUM avenging angel, rendering judgement on people who don’t actually answer to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Therefore, I would want my dad to have consequences (ones that I can control) if he did cheat. I don't think hate is the answer but strong consequences are important

Oh God, another DCUM avenging angel, rendering judgement on people who don’t actually answer to her.

nope. Your avenging angel is my consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).

You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.

That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.

Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.

You truly are a tool.

It is not about the sex you simpleton. It is about the lies and deceit. That is what will have an affect on your children.

Different poster but I agree with PP: kids do not and should not care about their parents’ sex lives whether marital or extramarital.
A cheating spouse is deceitful to the spouse—not the child.
Marriage is between husband and wife. Not parent and child.
A reality check of what is pretend and what is not is not just with cheating.
Stop making marriage just about faithfulness or lack thereof. It is more complex.
Some people cheat to leave. Some people cheat to stay in a marriage. Regardless, sex has nothing to do with kids. People who involve their kids and disclose an affair to purposefully harm the relationship with the other parent is far worse than a cheater.

No they are not. They break the foundation of the family unit. They put in jeopardy their children's emotional and financial health.

It has everything to do with the children, you think you are compartmentalizing but you are not. Your action affect everybody around you. If you cared about your kids you would see it but you are selfish and manipulative and can't see the truth.

Since you are so pro-family for the sake of kids, then you really should be a big supporter of affairs. Because, in the typical cheating-due-to-sexless-marriage scenario, an affair is the ONLY way to prevent divorce.

DP... if both parties are willing, that's one thing. But that's not what we are referring to. Typical behavior of cheaters to justify their infidelity.

Why does it matter if both parties are willing? A marriage is saved which otherwise would divorce. And PP is anti divorce.
Not to mention that an uninterested sexless spouse does not get to vote on the other’s sexual choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two teachers at our children's school had an affair and were both fired. His wife pulled their kids from the school (private) because she didn't want them to be gossiped about for the rest of their time there. They are in different grades but some had been there for 10 years. The kids are destroyed. I truly don't understand how someone could cheat and not even remotely consider how it will affect their kids (grant it, cheating with someone at the school where you work and your kids attend is one of the dumber things you could do, but all affairs have the potential to be exposed and your kids could be ruined by your affair even if they weren't pulled out of school). What on earth did your kids do to deserve that?

OP is totally correct.
This sort of travesty is devastating for the children.

Don’t kid yourselves, people.
Kids rarely “recover” from their parents stupidity/selfishness. The psychobabble “your kid is resilient” is a big fat lie. Believe me. Your children will absolutely be more prone to suffer the same fate - a divorce. How devastating for your grandchildren. Please think past your nose. The consequences of divorce can last for generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).

You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.

That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.

Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.

You truly are a tool.

It is not about the sex you simpleton. It is about the lies and deceit. That is what will have an affect on your children.

Different poster but I agree with PP: kids do not and should not care about their parents’ sex lives whether marital or extramarital.
A cheating spouse is deceitful to the spouse—not the child.
Marriage is between husband and wife. Not parent and child.
A reality check of what is pretend and what is not is not just with cheating.
Stop making marriage just about faithfulness or lack thereof. It is more complex.
Some people cheat to leave. Some people cheat to stay in a marriage. Regardless, sex has nothing to do with kids. People who involve their kids and disclose an affair to purposefully harm the relationship with the other parent is far worse than a cheater.

No they are not. They break the foundation of the family unit. They put in jeopardy their children's emotional and financial health.

It has everything to do with the children, you think you are compartmentalizing but you are not. Your action affect everybody around you. If you cared about your kids you would see it but you are selfish and manipulative and can't see the truth.

Since you are so pro-family for the sake of kids, then you really should be a big supporter of affairs. Because, in the typical cheating-due-to-sexless-marriage scenario, an affair is the ONLY way to prevent divorce.

DP... if both parties are willing, that's one thing. But that's not what we are referring to. Typical behavior of cheaters to justify their infidelity.

+1, if you are going to cheat, you are using what ever you choose to as an excuse. You took marital vows. Honor them or divorce. You are not setting a good example or being a good parent. My trust is very much broken in my father for all his affairs. His AP's for years have been the priority until recently when he can no longer have those types of relationships and now all of the sudden he wants me back. Not happening. You failure to fulfill your marital contract very much impacts your kids.

[Anonymous]

+1. Don’t let people tell you how you should feel. Don’t let the loudest voice drown out your voice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two teachers at our children's school had an affair and were both fired. His wife pulled their kids from the school (private) because she didn't want them to be gossiped about for the rest of their time there. They are in different grades but some had been there for 10 years. The kids are destroyed. I truly don't understand how someone could cheat and not even remotely consider how it will affect their kids (grant it, cheating with someone at the school where you work and your kids attend is one of the dumber things you could do, but all affairs have the potential to be exposed and your kids could be ruined by your affair even if they weren't pulled out of school). What on earth did your kids do to deserve that?

OP is totally correct.
This sort of travesty is devastating for the children.

Don’t kid yourselves, people.
Kids rarely “recover” from their parents stupidity/selfishness. The psychobabble “your kid is resilient” is a big fat lie. Believe me. Your children will absolutely be more prone to suffer the same fate - a divorce. How devastating for your grandchildren. Please think past your nose. The consequences of divorce can last for generations.

Lol, perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the pp whose dad cheated: it’s hard. I guess if my dad had cheated, I would want some sort of justice and the only way that is in my control is to decide whether to have relationship with him or not. For me, this justice piece is somehow related to well being and expectation for justice for my kids because I teach them to do the right thing in life and you want it to payoff in some sense. Not able to explain clearly.

Thank you for engaging in a meaningful way.

I thought about that too. I dearly missed the relationship I had with my father and I think when it comes down to it, I am still the child and it’s not my place to play judge and jury with my parents relationship. It was hurting me to have so much contempt and hate in my heart for someone I used to love and trust completely. It wasn’t necessarily my or my siblings place to punish him. We definitely did at first. My brother hated my dad so deeply it was almost scary. Like we had to talk him down from confronting him physically. My sister (who is still financially dependent on my parents) thought she might have to drop out of school or take on loans if he decided to stop paying for her school. Luckily he didn’t do any of that...

When I posted on DCUM years ago about this happening a lot of the responses were “why do you care? Stay out of your parents marriage.” I care because it’s not just my parents marriage but my family that is broken now. I’m relieved to not get responses like that again because it really hurt to hear that I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on my parents marriage.

Dear 29 year poster: i hope you're still on. Some thoughts:

--trust yourself. I am older than you and this is one thing I would say to my younger self. You are smart, thoughtful person and you should trust yourself feelings/thoughts/decisions. Don't buy in to group thinking. Get opinions and then decide what's good for you.
--society is built on consequences. If I don't want certain behavior to occur, there need to be consequences in place if that behavior occurs. We teach that to kids, we have laws in society, we have policies at work etc. Therefore, I would want my dad to have consequences (ones that I can control) if he did cheat. I don't think hate is the answer but strong consequences are important so that there is less of that behavior in the future (e.g. for your kids when they grow up).
--I find that women face consequences more in these types of situations because we accept it to a certain degree more. Men are more forceful about outcome they want (no consequence for cheating for example) and will expect outcome to be the way they want it. Look at how many of the men respond to these types of posts. I don't want to accept that situation as a woman.

Since you have heard one side of the story on this forum, I wanted to bring the other perspective. Hopefully you read this and decide the best outcome for you. It's been a good discussion.

Thank you, I am still here. I appreciate your advice

[Anonymous]

I can summarize the views here in three line:

Cheating hurts kids (written by people who have been cheated on)
Cheating has nothing to do with kids (written by cheaters)
Y'all are too invested in your parent's sex life (written by everyone else)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can summarize the views here in three line:

Cheating hurts kids (written by people who have been cheated on)
Cheating has nothing to do with kids (written by cheaters)
Y'all are too invested in your parent's sex life (written by everyone else)

How about children’s viewpoint? Many have posted here.

[Anonymous]

^ not true about point 1. I haven’t been cheated on and I believe cheating hurts kids. Many people who haven’t been cheated on believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters - in marriage, or other areas of life, are not people who care about others in general. They lack empathy, so of course they don't care about how it affects kids.

If "sex" is the issue then be a grownup and ask for an open marriage or get a divorce. Cheating is the juvenile path of cowards.

If you aren’t having sex and are the rejecting party, you have deemed sex to be unimportant and have no right to object when your spouse does that unimportant thing elsewhere.

+100 my dh seems to think that sex doesn’t matter. He should let me have se with someone else ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ not true about point 1. I haven’t been cheated on and I believe cheating hurts kids. Many people who haven’t been cheated on believe it.

#1 is the viewpoint of neighbors and parents of the kids friend who watch the kids spiral out of control while the cheater thinks they are being discrete but everybody knows.

[Anonymous]

Cheating parents are simply selfish and don’t care about their poor kids.