How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.

+1000

My kids don't need to know if my spouse and I decide to employ some kinky moves in the bedroom. Hell, they don't even need to know if we decide to invite a third person into the bedroom. But these things are not the same as betraying your spouse. How are you so callous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.

+1000

My kids don't need to know if my spouse and I decide to employ some kinky moves in the bedroom. Hell, they don't even need to know if we decide to invite a third person into the bedroom. But these things are not the same as betraying your spouse. How are you so callous?

Then just tell them that your dad is dates outside the marriage and he takes his girlfriend on vacations and spends Valentines with her. No need to discuss sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters - in marriage, or other areas of life, are not people who care about others in general. They lack empathy, so of course they don't care about how it affects kids.

If "sex" is the issue then be a grownup and ask for an open marriage or get a divorce. Cheating is the juvenile path of cowards.

This is ridiculous, yet totally emblematic of black and white judgement, thinking and advice on DCUM. Lots of people cheat at some point in their lives.... LOTS. You're saying they don't care about their kids, families, spouses? That's just absurd on its face.

One of the reasons for "cheating" is that the cheater DOES care about their family. They care about their kids and they care about their spouse, but they're maybe not getting their needs met within the relationship.

Then divorce you say? Go back to why they are cheating in the place instead of divorcing. They don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. They may love and care about their families and don't want to get divorced or break up their family unit.

Then don't get married, you say? Marriages evolve, people evolve and change. Affection and intimacy wane and die, or someone works too much, or one partner stops wanting to have sex or whatever... You can script life in a logical flowchart as to how it SHOULD work, but it falls apart when you add people and real life.

Stop being so judgmental. You don't know what goes on in the hearts of the 50% of the population that cheats at some point.

Omfg. I am not on my high horse to condemn cheaters, but you sound absurd when you try to make cheaters into these paragons of morality. come ON.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As my DH is fond of saying ...don't Sh$t were you eat.

We both cheat yet it doesn't cross over into our children lives.

I know other people fond of that saying and not just in reference to cheating, just in general don't f'ck around where it has lasting effects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you tell your children that your spouse had sex outside of the marriage? My children don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom.

+1000

My kids don't need to know if my spouse and I decide to employ some kinky moves in the bedroom. Hell, they don't even need to know if we decide to invite a third person into the bedroom. But these things are not the same as betraying your spouse. How are you so callous?

Then just tell them that your dad is dates outside the marriage and he takes his girlfriend on vacations and spends Valentines with her. No need to discuss sex.

You do know that dating others in your marriage without the wife’s consent is still cheating right?
Also, older kids will know what that means anyway.

[Anonymous]

Here's how my stbxh cheating impacted my kid (and I was not fat or sexless with him): he stayed at 'office' until 2 am so couldn't even have dinner with kid or say goodnight, because of feeling bad about his lies turned into an alcoholic and got impatient and verbally abusive towards kid, because of alcohol took viagra on a daily basis and suffered of side effects with sinuses and headaches, became even more impatient and high strung with kid, frowned and spoilt upon each and every family vacation and spoilt it for kid, would not admit to cheating but get me engaged in reconciliation talks for hours to supposedly save family during which kid would be parked in front of tv for hours, re-established kid to sleep in our bed in the middle so he wouldn't be confronted with my sexual advances - now kid is 6yo, can't sleep alone and is ashamed and feels dumb ...
This is the list of effects before cheating was discovered and cheater was removed from house. List goes on and doesn't get any better now, I can assure you.
Just one quote from kid: I don't like Andy anymore. Because he married Jane. That means he's her husband. Husbands just leave and make everybody sad.

[Anonymous]

Angry sexless guy doesnt realize that hes actually proving our point that cheaters are irrational selfish jerks who are incapable of taking responsibility for their poor choices. Its comical. Angry sexless guy... there is a reason you arent getting any. You are an insufferable child. Stomp your feet and hold your breath and bone your wife for it. Because she made you do it! Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

You just do not like my position: a sexless person must bring forth the reasons for their sexlessess, divorce, or accept infidelity.
Your position is simply the biased inverse: a cheater must (somehow!) ascertain/fix why their spouse doesn't want sex, divorce, or accept celibacy.

You not liking my position does not make my bitter, illogical, in need of help. I could make same childish claims of you.

This may be difficult for you but it’s not complicated. You made a vow and you are breaking or have broken it. You say you do it or did it because of what someone else is/was doing. That is the excuse of a child: “but they made me do it!” As an adult, you can only control what you do and only you control what you do. You cheat or cheated. You. Simple, perhaps difficult for you.

Those vows are bidirectional: one does not pledge sexual fidelity to a spouse who cares nothing about sexual needs. Both sides of this vow are broken. I am neither making excuses, nor assessing blame, because there is no wrong here to excuse or offense, only choices. One spouse chooses not to have sex, another chooses to have it elsewhere. Neither is better or worse or morally right or wrong. My logic is precisely the same as yours... just the opposite position. Too bad that you do not like this. I would advise you either maintain a healthy sex life or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Angry sexless guy doesnt realize that hes actually proving our point that cheaters are irrational selfish jerks who are incapable of taking responsibility for their poor choices. Its comical. Angry sexless guy... there is a reason you arent getting any. You are an insufferable child. Stomp your feet and hold your breath and bone your wife for it. Because she made you do it! Lol.

But a PP just explained to me how the WIFE is the angry party... and that is why she does not want sex. A cheater (by definition) is NOT sexless! And why would a cheater be angry? What poor choices are you ranting about? They have solved their sexless marriage problem. You aren't making sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

You just do not like my position: a sexless person must bring forth the reasons for their sexlessess, divorce, or accept infidelity.
Your position is simply the biased inverse: a cheater must (somehow!) ascertain/fix why their spouse doesn't want sex, divorce, or accept celibacy.

You not liking my position does not make my bitter, illogical, in need of help. I could make same childish claims of you.

This may be difficult for you but it’s not complicated. You made a vow and you are breaking or have broken it. You say you do it or did it because of what someone else is/was doing. That is the excuse of a child: “but they made me do it!” As an adult, you can only control what you do and only you control what you do. You cheat or cheated. You. Simple, perhaps difficult for you.

Those vows are bidirectional: one does not pledge sexual fidelity to a spouse who cares nothing about sexual needs. Both sides of this vow are broken. I am neither making excuses, nor assessing blame, because there is no wrong here to excuse or offense, only choices. One spouse chooses not to have sex, another chooses to have it elsewhere. Neither is better or worse or morally right or wrong. My logic is precisely the same as yours... just the opposite position. Too bad that you do not like this. I would advise you either maintain a healthy sex life or divorce.[/quote


Sorry, buddy. You are assessing blame and making excuses: “It’s Spouse’s fault I cheated! Spouse made me do it!” This is exactly what you are saying. And yes, it is a choice. A choice between honesty and mendaciousness. And yes, it is a moral issue - are you saying that lying is not a moral issue? You choose to lie; no one is making you do it. And you lie to your children too.

[Anonymous]

This is from a therapist's blog. It literally describes angry sexless man, he is textbook!

As a therapist, I find most of the reasons that cheating men use to justify their infidelity fascinating. Because almost all of these reasons imply that the cheating was the only logical solution to their relationship issues and other life problems. I often find myself thinking, “Sure, cheating is an option, but only one among many. How about taking up a hobby, or volunteering and making the world a better place, or actually talking to your significant other about what you’re feeling and how the two of you might be able to craft a more fulfilling relationship? Wouldn’t any of those choices be better than lying, manipulating, and keeping important secrets from a person you truly care about?”

But most cheating men don’t have that type of insight. So, when confronted, they minimize, rationalize, and justify their behavior with statements like:

Every guy wants to have sex with other people. And when the opportunity arises, he takes it.
It’s a man’s biological imperative to have sex with as many people as he can. Why should I be any different?
If I got enough (or better) sex at home, I wouldn’t need to cheat.
I’m not doing anything that most of my buddies don’t do. If you don’t believe me, ask them.
If my partner hadn’t gained so much weight (or if my partner was nicer to me, or more attentive, or whatever), I wouldn’t have even thought about going elsewhere.
If my job wasn’t so stressful, I wouldn’t need the release I get from online sex.
Cheating? Really? I mean, who would rationally call getting lap dance in a strip club infidelity? It’s just what guys do for fun.
My dad looked at magazines and went to strip clubs, and that wasn’t a big deal. Well, I have webcam chats and interactive sex. What’s the difference?
If the police had been out chasing actual bad guys, I wouldn’t have gotten caught in that prostitution sting. Why don’t they go after some real criminals?
I’m only sexting and flirting. Where’s the harm in that? I don’t meet up with any of these people in person. It’s just a game to me.
In the therapy business, we have a name for this type of reasoning. We call it denial. From a psychotherapy perspective, denial is a series of internal lies and deceits that people tell themselves to make their questionable behaviors seem OK (in their own mind). Typically, each self-deception is supported by one or more rationalizations, with each rationalization bolstered by still more falsehoods. In the eyes of an impartial observer, a cheating man’s denial typically looks about as solid as a house of cards in a stiff breeze, yet these men will doggedly insist their rationale is sound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

You just do not like my position: a sexless person must bring forth the reasons for their sexlessess, divorce, or accept infidelity.
Your position is simply the biased inverse: a cheater must (somehow!) ascertain/fix why their spouse doesn't want sex, divorce, or accept celibacy.

You not liking my position does not make my bitter, illogical, in need of help. I could make same childish claims of you.

This may be difficult for you but it’s not complicated. You made a vow and you are breaking or have broken it. You say you do it or did it because of what someone else is/was doing. That is the excuse of a child: “but they made me do it!” As an adult, you can only control what you do and only you control what you do. You cheat or cheated. You. Simple, perhaps difficult for you.

Those vows are bidirectional: one does not pledge sexual fidelity to a spouse who cares nothing about sexual needs. Both sides of this vow are broken. I am neither making excuses, nor assessing blame, because there is no wrong here to excuse or offense, only choices. One spouse chooses not to have sex, another chooses to have it elsewhere. Neither is better or worse or morally right or wrong. My logic is precisely the same as yours... just the opposite position. Too bad that you do not like this. I would advise you either maintain a healthy sex life or divorce.

Sorry, buddy. You are assessing blame and making excuses: “It’s Spouse’s fault I cheated! Spouse made me do it!” This is exactly what you are saying. And yes, it is a choice. A choice between honesty and mendaciousness. And yes, it is a moral issue - are you saying that lying is not a moral issue? You choose to lie; no one is making you do it. And you lie to your children too.

Again, I can make equal claims about you blaming and making excuses for a sexless spouse ("it's HIS fault ... that I withhold sex"). That is an equivalent choice. What do you mean honesty? Who is lying? About what? Who what do the children have to do with this at all? You still do not make any sense!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

You just do not like my position: a sexless person must bring forth the reasons for their sexlessess, divorce, or accept infidelity.
Your position is simply the biased inverse: a cheater must (somehow!) ascertain/fix why their spouse doesn't want sex, divorce, or accept celibacy.

You not liking my position does not make my bitter, illogical, in need of help. I could make same childish claims of you.

This may be difficult for you but it’s not complicated. You made a vow and you are breaking or have broken it. You say you do it or did it because of what someone else is/was doing. That is the excuse of a child: “but they made me do it!” As an adult, you can only control what you do and only you control what you do. You cheat or cheated. You. Simple, perhaps difficult for you.

Those vows are bidirectional: one does not pledge sexual fidelity to a spouse who cares nothing about sexual needs. Both sides of this vow are broken. I am neither making excuses, nor assessing blame, because there is no wrong here to excuse or offense, only choices. One spouse chooses not to have sex, another chooses to have it elsewhere. Neither is better or worse or morally right or wrong. My logic is precisely the same as yours... just the opposite position. Too bad that you do not like this. I would advise you either maintain a healthy sex life or divorce.

Sorry, buddy. You are assessing blame and making excuses: “It’s Spouse’s fault I cheated! Spouse made me do it!” This is exactly what you are saying. And yes, it is a choice. A choice between honesty and mendaciousness. And yes, it is a moral issue - are you saying that lying is not a moral issue? You choose to lie; no one is making you do it. And you lie to your children too.

Again, I can make equal claims about you blaming and making excuses for a sexless spouse ("it's HIS fault ... that I withhold sex"). That is an equivalent choice. What do you mean honesty? Who is lying? About what? Who what do the children have to do with this at all? You still do not make any sense!

Most of us got married because we wanted to be with the whole person. FOR BETTER of FOR WORSE! Not as long as my d@@k is being regularly serviced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^no you just sound bitter. Seriously get help for your bitterness. You don’t sound logical.

You just do not like my position: a sexless person must bring forth the reasons for their sexlessess, divorce, or accept infidelity.
Your position is simply the biased inverse: a cheater must (somehow!) ascertain/fix why their spouse doesn't want sex, divorce, or accept celibacy.

You not liking my position does not make my bitter, illogical, in need of help. I could make same childish claims of you.

This may be difficult for you but it’s not complicated. You made a vow and you are breaking or have broken it. You say you do it or did it because of what someone else is/was doing. That is the excuse of a child: “but they made me do it!” As an adult, you can only control what you do and only you control what you do. You cheat or cheated. You. Simple, perhaps difficult for you.

Those vows are bidirectional: one does not pledge sexual fidelity to a spouse who cares nothing about sexual needs. Both sides of this vow are broken. I am neither making excuses, nor assessing blame, because there is no wrong here to excuse or offense, only choices. One spouse chooses not to have sex, another chooses to have it elsewhere. Neither is better or worse or morally right or wrong. My logic is precisely the same as yours... just the opposite position. Too bad that you do not like this. I would advise you either maintain a healthy sex life or divorce.

Sorry, buddy. You are assessing blame and making excuses: “It’s Spouse’s fault I cheated! Spouse made me do it!” This is exactly what you are saying. And yes, it is a choice. A choice between honesty and mendaciousness. And yes, it is a moral issue - are you saying that lying is not a moral issue? You choose to lie; no one is making you do it. And you lie to your children too.

Again, I can make equal claims about you blaming and making excuses for a sexless spouse ("it's HIS fault ... that I withhold sex"). That is an equivalent choice. What do you mean honesty? Who is lying? About what? Who what do the children have to do with this at all? You still do not make any sense!

Most of us got married because we wanted to be with the whole person. FOR BETTER of FOR WORSE! Not as long as my d@@k is being regularly serviced.

"for better or for worse" then must also apply when your spouse gets their sexual needs met elsewhere. If you get a dog and then later decide not to feed him, either give up the dog or do not protest when the dog sneaks next door for his meals. This is not rocket science, and it really seems like you are the angry bitter one among us.

[Anonymous]

Sex is not a need. Sex is not a need. You will not die without sex. You may find it unpleasant. You may find it so unpleasant you would choose not to continue on that way. And that's ok. Your wife is cool staying in a marriage without sex. Shes been clear with you... she does not want to have sex with you. Shes not hiding it. Shes probably going to be happy if she never sees your dick again. You know this information.

Now it is your turn to tell her that it is unacceptable to you, and that you plan to stay married but seek sex elsewhere. But you wont do that, because you are afraid of the consequences. You are a coward.