Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

Read her words.

Entitled, passive aggressive, condescending towards her dh.

She may be living the dream, but I suspect he isn't.

Why because he's being held accountable for his own actions and "forced" to parent the children he chose to make? Shouldn't all men do that?

Her own words:

I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out."

Passive aggressive to say the least.

That guy will find a soul mate at some point in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

Read her words.

Entitled, passive aggressive, condescending towards her dh.

She may be living the dream, but I suspect he isn't.

Why because he's being held accountable for his own actions and "forced" to parent the children he chose to make? Shouldn't all men do that?

Her own words:

I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out."

Passive aggressive to say the least.

That guy will find a soul mate at some point in his life.

Like anyone, he’s free to leave at any time. They can certainly afford to divorce and maintain two households. Yet they’re still married ten years later and he chose to have another 2 kids with her. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

Read her words.

Entitled, passive aggressive, condescending towards her dh.

She may be living the dream, but I suspect he isn't.

Why because he's being held accountable for his own actions and "forced" to parent the children he chose to make? Shouldn't all men do that?

Her own words:

I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out."

Passive aggressive to say the least.

That guy will find a soul mate at some point in his life.

You think that's passive aggressive? Lol. Man, some men are fragile!

[Anonymous]

PP, why should she do his parenting role, hers as well, AND work full time outside of the home? Just because she’s a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, why should she do his parenting role, hers as well, AND work full time outside of the home? Just because she’s a woman?

DP.

Ask the OP that question. She seems to want her husband to do her parenting role and work full time outside of the home because she makes more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

Read her words.

Entitled, passive aggressive, condescending towards her dh.

She may be living the dream, but I suspect he isn't.

Why because he's being held accountable for his own actions and "forced" to parent the children he chose to make? Shouldn't all men do that?

Her own words:

I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out."

Passive aggressive to say the least.

That guy will find a soul mate at some point in his life.

You think that's passive aggressive? Lol. Man, some men are fragile!

DP.

Woman here. So does her husband contribute his "part" to the finances and keep the rest of his money to himself? If the chores are 50/50 even though he presumably works longer hours and has the more stressful job, shouldn't the finances be 50/50 as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

Read her words.

Entitled, passive aggressive, condescending towards her dh.

She may be living the dream, but I suspect he isn't.

Why because he's being held accountable for his own actions and "forced" to parent the children he chose to make? Shouldn't all men do that?

Her own words:

I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out."

Passive aggressive to say the least.

That guy will find a soul mate at some point in his life.

Nothing about that was passive aggressive. You don't know what that expression means

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

I don't think anyone would disagree that marriages that are partnerships tend to work better than those that don't. Those can take different forms.

What's laughable in this case is that the guy makes *$700K* AND is Mr. Mom. GTFO with those expectations. His salary ALONE makes him a unicorn, and the PP's seeming obliviousness on that front borders on insulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

I don't think anyone would disagree that marriages that are partnerships tend to work better than those that don't. Those can take different forms.

What's laughable in this case is that the guy makes *$700K* AND is Mr. Mom. GTFO with those expectations. His salary ALONE makes him a unicorn, and the PP's seeming obliviousness on that front borders on insulting.

We don’t actually know from this post what the $700k husband does at home/for the kids. She doesn’t even say that he does 50%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

I don't think anyone would disagree that marriages that are partnerships tend to work better than those that don't. Those can take different forms.

What's laughable in this case is that the guy makes *$700K* AND is Mr. Mom. GTFO with those expectations. His salary ALONE makes him a unicorn, and the PP's seeming obliviousness on that front borders on insulting.

We don’t actually know from this post what the $700k husband does at home/for the kids. She doesn’t even say that he does 50%.

Sure, but the vast majority of people making that kind of money aren't also going to be focused on remembering their kids' details, which is one of the things she explicitly describes him doing. Also, he is "great at 'mommy stuff'". Yeah, that's a unicorn--again, largely because of the salary--and feigning disbelief otherwise is lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

I don't think anyone would disagree that marriages that are partnerships tend to work better than those that don't. Those can take different forms.

What's laughable in this case is that the guy makes *$700K* AND is Mr. Mom. GTFO with those expectations. His salary ALONE makes him a unicorn, and the PP's seeming obliviousness on that front borders on insulting.

That guy is a Saint.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you will get more traction once you stop assigning him tasks and micromanaging him. I remember my friend's DH telling her what hours she could hire the nanny, though that didn't actually work with what SHE wanted for her own sanity. Everyone hated him.

Why can't you be more diplomatic and have a meeting. Go over the items that are part of your mental load and see what he feels. The kicker is you have to listen. Maybe some of that isn't important. If a parent wants their kid to take gymnastics and tells them to schedule it - well, that won't go very far. You haven't even had the conversation if the other parent agrees. What if they prefer swimming?

Your DH is not one more thing to manage. While I generally think that the majority of women have the mental load, it varies a lot from relationship to relationship. One of my SAHM friends did everything for her DH including his laundry, filling up his gas, scheduling his car repairs, etc. When I was SAHM, I didn't do any of that for my BL DH. When I went back full time, it was an adjustment, but he picked up a lot of the slack.

If you're not getting what you want, try doing something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

I don't think anyone would disagree that marriages that are partnerships tend to work better than those that don't. Those can take different forms.

What's laughable in this case is that the guy makes *$700K* AND is Mr. Mom. GTFO with those expectations. His salary ALONE makes him a unicorn, and the PP's seeming obliviousness on that front borders on insulting.

Wife of the unicorn guy here. He is out grocery shopping right now, lol. You’re right, he is Mr. Mom. He is a very natural, warm, nurturing, hands on parent. Our kids love us equally and he is just as much the default parent as I am, maybe more. Depends on the kid, honestly (my daughter is very much a momma’s girl). In terms of him shouldering half of the load: most of that probably comes down to the fact that he doesn’t like to hire things out. Yes he makes a lot of money and we can afford it but we’re also trying to build our net worth so we don’t like wasting money on things we can easily do ourselves.

I feel bad for women who don’t have a partner like him. I feel bad for kids who don’t have an involved, hands on father like him. I don’t know what to tell you except: it’s definitely possible. You just have to have high standards. We’ve been married for 15 years and I trained him into the good husband he is now. He grew up in a traditional household (mom was a SAHM) and I had to let him know that wouldn’t be me. He accepts that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

Read her words.

Entitled, passive aggressive, condescending towards her dh.

She may be living the dream, but I suspect he isn't.

Why because he's being held accountable for his own actions and "forced" to parent the children he chose to make? Shouldn't all men do that?

Her own words:

I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out."

Passive aggressive to say the least.

That guy will find a soul mate at some point in his life.

Nothing about that was passive aggressive. You don't know what that expression means

It’s plain aggressive.

That poster sounds like a ball buster who wears the pants in that relationship.