Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article

[Anonymous]

What would be the reaction here if a man proclaimed proudly that he “trained his wife”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but him being embarrassed to attend his children events?!?

Forgot the division of labor, I would have issues with him not being man enough to hang out with his daughter doing something she liked/loved. What if you died? She doesn’t get to do things because she doesn’t have a mom around.

+1 on this mess. Misogyny in plain view that he can’t stand the company of mothers or it somehow emasculates him. Was he some incel prior to meeting you?

Eh, DH here. I’m super involved, work PT, and go to all my kids events. Other moms are friendly but distant. I’m sure he feels isolated.

Who cares?! He’s not there to socialize, he’s there to make his daughter feel supported. He needs to get get over himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would be the reaction here if a man proclaimed proudly that he “trained his wife”?

Well I wouldn’t say it to him but it’s true. Because of ingrained gender roles in this country, if you want something different for your relationship, you often have to be very explicit in defining your expectations. I let him know that I wouldn’t put up with certain behaviors and attitudes (like thinking that cooking or grocery shopping is “women’s work,” being embarrased to take his daughter to ballet or braid her hair, or thinking he doesn’t need to remember his kids’ conference dates or volunteer in their schools or get up with sick kids, etc. etc.) and he had to decide if that was something he wanted to live with. He decided he did.

How else would you like me to describe it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

I don't think anyone would disagree that marriages that are partnerships tend to work better than those that don't. Those can take different forms.

What's laughable in this case is that the guy makes *$700K* AND is Mr. Mom. GTFO with those expectations. His salary ALONE makes him a unicorn, and the PP's seeming obliviousness on that front borders on insulting.

Wife of the unicorn guy here. He is out grocery shopping right now, lol. You’re right, he is Mr. Mom. He is a very natural, warm, nurturing, hands on parent. Our kids love us equally and he is just as much the default parent as I am, maybe more. Depends on the kid, honestly (my daughter is very much a momma’s girl). In terms of him shouldering half of the load: most of that probably comes down to the fact that he doesn’t like to hire things out. Yes he makes a lot of money and we can afford it but we’re also trying to build our net worth so we don’t like wasting money on things we can easily do ourselves.

I feel bad for women who don’t have a partner like him. I feel bad for kids who don’t have an involved, hands on father like him. I don’t know what to tell you except: it’s definitely possible. You just have to have high standards. We’ve been married for 15 years and I trained him into the good husband he is now. He grew up in a traditional household (mom was a SAHM) and I had to let him know that wouldn’t be me. He accepts that.

Can you tell us what his work hours are and exactly what he does on a daily/weekly basis as far as childcare and housework?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

I don't think anyone would disagree that marriages that are partnerships tend to work better than those that don't. Those can take different forms.

What's laughable in this case is that the guy makes *$700K* AND is Mr. Mom. GTFO with those expectations. His salary ALONE makes him a unicorn, and the PP's seeming obliviousness on that front borders on insulting.

Wife of the unicorn guy here. He is out grocery shopping right now, lol. You’re right, he is Mr. Mom. He is a very natural, warm, nurturing, hands on parent. Our kids love us equally and he is just as much the default parent as I am, maybe more. Depends on the kid, honestly (my daughter is very much a momma’s girl). In terms of him shouldering half of the load: most of that probably comes down to the fact that he doesn’t like to hire things out. Yes he makes a lot of money and we can afford it but we’re also trying to build our net worth so we don’t like wasting money on things we can easily do ourselves.

I feel bad for women who don’t have a partner like him. I feel bad for kids who don’t have an involved, hands on father like him. I don’t know what to tell you except: it’s definitely possible. You just have to have high standards. We’ve been married for 15 years and I trained him into the good husband he is now. He grew up in a traditional household (mom was a SAHM) and I had to let him know that wouldn’t be me. He accepts that.

Can you tell us what his work hours are and exactly what he does on a daily/weekly basis as far as childcare and housework?

10 hr days at the office plus time on email and laptop at home after dinner and on vacations plus travel. So somewhere better 50-60?

I work 40 flat, no travel, very little at home work.

At home he does most of the grocery shopping and all of the cooking. He takes care of our sons’ wardrobes and I do DD’s.

I do all of the cleaning. He hasn’t scrubbed a toilet in years. I do all of the kids’ dentist and dr. appts. I do all camp and activity sign ups but we split drop offs/pick ups evenly.

He does most of the homework supervision. We do parent teacher conferences and school events like concerts and science fairs etc. together. We usually volunteer together at parties and on field trips.

He does all outside work: yard, garbage, cars, etc. He is responsible for communicating and buying gifts for his family and vice versa.

Bills are mostly automatic but he also does the financial stuff. I do all of the vacation planning and scheduling of play dates.

I usually hear people complaining about all of this but I don’t find it messy or complicated.

[Anonymous]

^ Another big thing: after I weaned each kid, we split shifts getting up at night. Then once they were mostly sttn, he got up with them.

I struggle with insomnia and broken sleep patterns make it worse. So even now he is the default parent if a kid wakes up. They go to his side of the bed to climb in for a snuggle.

[Anonymous]

He also oversees all school projects because he likes that kind of thing and tbh I hate it. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Another big thing: after I weaned each kid, we split shifts getting up at night. Then once they were mostly sttn, he got up with them.

I struggle with insomnia and broken sleep patterns make it worse. So even now he is the default parent if a kid wakes up. They go to his side of the bed to climb in for a snuggle.

Uh, yeah. You married a unicorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not really "leaned out," is he? He is working full time and personally earning enough to put your entire household in the top quintile of incomes in the United States, even if you didn't work.

You need to adjust your expectations. You have a spouse who is also a full-time employee of someone else. Hire a household manager if you need one.

And, speaking as the leaned-in mom: don't skip your kids' mom stuff. You have a flexible job and plenty of money. You'll never get that time with them back.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

I don't think anyone would disagree that marriages that are partnerships tend to work better than those that don't. Those can take different forms.

What's laughable in this case is that the guy makes *$700K* AND is Mr. Mom. GTFO with those expectations. His salary ALONE makes him a unicorn, and the PP's seeming obliviousness on that front borders on insulting.

Wife of the unicorn guy here. He is out grocery shopping right now, lol. You’re right, he is Mr. Mom. He is a very natural, warm, nurturing, hands on parent. Our kids love us equally and he is just as much the default parent as I am, maybe more. Depends on the kid, honestly (my daughter is very much a momma’s girl). In terms of him shouldering half of the load: most of that probably comes down to the fact that he doesn’t like to hire things out. Yes he makes a lot of money and we can afford it but we’re also trying to build our net worth so we don’t like wasting money on things we can easily do ourselves.

I feel bad for women who don’t have a partner like him. I feel bad for kids who don’t have an involved, hands on father like him. I don’t know what to tell you except: it’s definitely possible. You just have to have high standards. We’ve been married for 15 years and I trained him into the good husband he is now. He grew up in a traditional household (mom was a SAHM) and I had to let him know that wouldn’t be me. He accepts that.

Can you tell us what his work hours are and exactly what he does on a daily/weekly basis as far as childcare and housework?

10 hr days at the office plus time on email and laptop at home after dinner and on vacations plus travel. So somewhere better 50-60?

I work 40 flat, no travel, very little at home work.

At home he does most of the grocery shopping and all of the cooking. He takes care of our sons’ wardrobes and I do DD’s.

I do all of the cleaning. He hasn’t scrubbed a toilet in years. I do all of the kids’ dentist and dr. appts. I do all camp and activity sign ups but we split drop offs/pick ups evenly.

He does most of the homework supervision. We do parent teacher conferences and school events like concerts and science fairs etc. together. We usually volunteer together at parties and on field trips.

He does all outside work: yard, garbage, cars, etc. He is responsible for communicating and buying gifts for his family and vice versa.

Bills are mostly automatic but he also does the financial stuff. I do all of the vacation planning and scheduling of play dates.

I usually hear people complaining about all of this but I don’t find it messy or complicated.

What about things like sick days and errands like dry cleaning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ Another big thing: after I weaned each kid, we split shifts getting up at night. Then once they were mostly sttn, he got up with them.

I struggle with insomnia and broken sleep patterns make it worse. So even now he is the default parent if a kid wakes up. They go to his side of the bed to climb in for a snuggle.

Uh, yeah. You married a unicorn.

I think she’s dreaming. No way could he work those office hours and be home in time to cook a family dinner. My DH works those hours, and it’s tough.

[Anonymous]

$700k husband PP: Your husband sounds like a great guy, but two things stick out to me. 1) The fact that he makes $700k seems less relevant than the fact that he works 50-60 hr/wks, which is a lot, but not crazy. It sounds like OP works a lot more than that. Actually, OP’s husband might be working 50+ hrs a week too, considering the earliest he gets home is 6, and even that’s not all the time. 2) It sounds like the stuff your husband is doing is already what OP’s husband does. OP is complaining bc she wants her husband to do all that AND everything else you said that you do.

Again, OP’s post isn’t about getting her husband to do 50/50 bc they’re both working. She wants him to do more like 80-100% of the parenting bc she works more hrs and makes more money than he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

This.

DH and I are partners. Honestly, he shoulders more of the kids stuff than I do since his job is more flexible and he is physically around more.

I don't think anyone would disagree that marriages that are partnerships tend to work better than those that don't. Those can take different forms.

What's laughable in this case is that the guy makes *$700K* AND is Mr. Mom. GTFO with those expectations. His salary ALONE makes him a unicorn, and the PP's seeming obliviousness on that front borders on insulting.

Wife of the unicorn guy here. He is out grocery shopping right now, lol. You’re right, he is Mr. Mom. He is a very natural, warm, nurturing, hands on parent. Our kids love us equally and he is just as much the default parent as I am, maybe more. Depends on the kid, honestly (my daughter is very much a momma’s girl). In terms of him shouldering half of the load: most of that probably comes down to the fact that he doesn’t like to hire things out. Yes he makes a lot of money and we can afford it but we’re also trying to build our net worth so we don’t like wasting money on things we can easily do ourselves.

I feel bad for women who don’t have a partner like him. I feel bad for kids who don’t have an involved, hands on father like him. I don’t know what to tell you except: it’s definitely possible. You just have to have high standards. We’ve been married for 15 years and I trained him into the good husband he is now. He grew up in a traditional household (mom was a SAHM) and I had to let him know that wouldn’t be me. He accepts that.

Can you tell us what his work hours are and exactly what he does on a daily/weekly basis as far as childcare and housework?

10 hr days at the office plus time on email and laptop at home after dinner and on vacations plus travel. So somewhere better 50-60?

I work 40 flat, no travel, very little at home work.

At home he does most of the grocery shopping and all of the cooking. He takes care of our sons’ wardrobes and I do DD’s.

I do all of the cleaning. He hasn’t scrubbed a toilet in years. I do all of the kids’ dentist and dr. appts. I do all camp and activity sign ups but we split drop offs/pick ups evenly.

He does most of the homework supervision. We do parent teacher conferences and school events like concerts and science fairs etc. together. We usually volunteer together at parties and on field trips.

He does all outside work: yard, garbage, cars, etc. He is responsible for communicating and buying gifts for his family and vice versa.

Bills are mostly automatic but he also does the financial stuff. I do all of the vacation planning and scheduling of play dates.

I usually hear people complaining about all of this but I don’t find it messy or complicated.

What about things like sick days and errands like dry cleaning?

He does errands, we alternate sick days or ask his (local, retired) parents, and I do laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would be the reaction here if a man proclaimed proudly that he “trained his wife”?

PP seems to treat her DH like a pet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ Another big thing: after I weaned each kid, we split shifts getting up at night. Then once they were mostly sttn, he got up with them.

I struggle with insomnia and broken sleep patterns make it worse. So even now he is the default parent if a kid wakes up. They go to his side of the bed to climb in for a snuggle.

Uh, yeah. You married a unicorn.

I think she’s dreaming. No way could he work those office hours and be home in time to cook a family dinner. My DH works those hours, and it’s tough.

He cooks 2 or 3 times mes a week and we eat left overs, sandwiches, breakfast for dinner (pancakes and eggs made by me), or take out on the others.