Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article
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Anonymous
PP here. I definitely do not see him as a pet. I think he’s an amazing husband and father. I couldn’t ask for better. He prioritizes our family and respects my work even though he has a “big” career (much bigger than mine). But yes, we worked to get here which is why I am posting saying it’s possible for OP too. |
Anonymous
I’m a PP. Again, just want to say, it sounds like OP’s husband already does everything your husband does. So yes, “it’s possible for OP” bc yes, she already has it. She wants MORE. |
Anonymous
So, he doesn’t do ALL the cooking as you claimed. |
Anonymous
Spare us your pity, please. You got damn lucky to find someone to meet your exceptionally high standards while you were still old enough to have kids. Also, plenty of kids have involved, hands on fathers. They just don't all make $700K. |
Anonymous
I don't think PP DOES have high standards. It really doesn't sound like her husband is all that special/unique except for the fact that he makes $700k (exceptional in itself) at a job that only requires 50-60 hours. If you read her other posts.... he really doesn't cook that much, he doesn't do any cleaning, he really doesn't do any of the mental work that OP asked about, etc. Honestly, PP and her husband sound like a typical dual-parent household with two standard jobs, but somehow the husband makes $700k so everyone is jumping on that. |
Anonymous
True |
Anonymous
| OP, maybe you should get with PP’s unicorn husband. |
Anonymous
NP. She’s pretty damn lucky to have both: husband who makes a lot of money, is home a lot, and is helpful. Usually people on these boards with high earning husbands say they are rarely at home and when they are, they are relaxing, not cooking or grocery shopping. |
Anonymous
| Just pay me some of that money and I’ll lean in and out. |
Anonymous
50/50 is the default expectation unless both explicitly agree otherwise. For example, OP and her husband mutually agreed to prioritize her significantly higher earning career. Yes, he is a high earner. However, a career that caps out at 200k is not in the same subcategory of high earner as a career that brings 400k a year with the potential for more. He agreed to prioritize her career precisely because it is significantly higher earning. The only way that she can prioritize her career is if he picks up the slack at home. He agree to this and he's not holding up his end of the bargain. |
Anonymous
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The point of the article was that both halves of the couple have equal education and earning power, but someone (typically the woman) steps back. OP is saying her DH agreed to step back and then does a shitty job of it. That's not fair. Actual salary has nothing to do with anything, if that is the deal they made. I'm the DW, am the stepped-back spouse who definitely is the default parent, and I earn north of $200k and am not part time. Saying the DH should get a pass just b/c he is also a high earner is nonsense. He agreed to lean out, he needs to actually do the stuff that comes along with that.
OP, if you're still reading, you may just need to have a convo about what is expected of the default parent and what your priorities are as a family. The mental load part is HUGE, but it's also only as big as you define it. It sounds like you have a couple of non-negotiables, like your kid's appointments and medications, but much of the other stuff is negotiable. Kids activities and your social calendar? Meh. If you don't want the stress, don't take it on; and if your DH doesn't value some of this stuff, don't expect him to handle it to your specifications. I have long since stopped expecting help for, say, family holiday cards even though our list includes both of our friends and families. On the flip side, my DH does care a lot about cooking and food and I could barely care less, so he handles that whole area b/c he knows if he didn't, we'd be eating a lot of breakfast-for-dinner. You have to figure out your values as a family and execute accordingly. Don't overreach. The refusing to go to "mom stuff" is totally different. My DH is completely starry eyed over our daughters and might mention being the only dad but would *never* refuse to go on that basis. This may be indicative of a larger issue that is probably worth discussing btwn you two. Could bring some clarity as to whether he resents his role generally. |
Anonymous
You can be "leaning out" at a job without regaining enough time to be a "leaned in" parent. It's likely to happen in jobs with income this high. |
Anonymous
I am sorry, but you and OP are dense. This is not kindergarten where you pinky swear and promise to throw a tantrum if you don't get what you want just the way you want it. The "agreement " is clearly not working for OP. Time to move on. We have a woman who has a husband making much more than what OP does, and he still gets to do his share of parenting. And that PP is happily married. OP might want to try that agreement. If that will not do for her, there seems to be an even better way to handle things: outsource most of the stupid stuff for Pete's sake. She loves neither herself nor her husband if she spends a second thinking about laundry that he did not do while earning 600K . Ridiculous! |
Anonymous
First, it's one thing if OP's husband sincerely tried to do the primary parent/hh stuff and it just wasn't in his skillset, but that's not the case. OP's husband has openly stated that he wasn't willing to be in charge of kid's stuff and only does hh chores that he likes or if asked (that's not how running a hh works). It's also not just about laundry. He's embarrassed about being only dad at kid events to the point where he won't take his kids to activities. Also, why is OP the one managing their SN kid's medical issues? That's definitely something that should be in the primary parent's wheelhouse. He's not willing to be the hh manager, he's also not willing to be the primary parent. Second, the situation with the pp and her high earning dh is not applicable here. If someone tells their spouse who makes 5x more that s/he is still expected to do their 50% at home, then they are, in effect, saying that despite the spouse's significantly higher earnings, their career doesn't have a higher priority. That despite significant disparities in income, both careers have a similar priority in their family. Nothing wrong with that but that's not OP and her's husband's agreement. Lastly, if my spouse makes an agreement, it's absolutely reasonable for me to expect them to, at least, try to honor that agreement. It would also be absurd for my spouse to not honor their commitment but expect me to honor mine. Remember, OP's dh still wants her to bring in 400K a year but he's just not willing to give her the support necessary to do it. |
Anonymous
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The way I see it, one parent has the ‘bringing home the paycheck priority’, and the other parent has the ‘children/home’ priority.
Yeah, as a single parent I had to do both, and things fell through the cracks. That’s why children need *two* parents in the home. |