Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. And if you are talking after school activities, there are so many dads. I just think it depends on the activity.

OP, I think you are emasculating your husband. I have 3 kids - 2 boys and a daughter. DH does sports and scouts whenever he is available and I would say there are equal moms and dads present. My daughter is only a toddler but I doubt my DH would take my daughter to Girl Scouts. He would do sports. DH never ever volunteers or wants to go to school events during the day. He will go to concerts and family nights. When kids were younger, we would both attend holiday parties at preschool.

You need to stop micromanaging. He should pick what he does and doesn’t do.

Was your DH frozen for the 50s, ‘blast from the past’ style?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your position. Ultimately we couldn't make it work. It wasn't even that my DH wasn't willing to do all the mental and mommy stuff. He just wasn't as good/efficient at it as I was and our kids started suffering as a result. We recognized it and switched things. He leaned in more. I cut back on things. Sure, maybe our HHI is about 150K less than it could be but we still live well enough even by DCUM standards.

This is us exactly. I just cut my salary by 50 percent. Staggering pay cut. Couldn’t do it anymore.
I’m happier, healthier, our marriage is so much better and I don’t miss the money at all.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom of a handful of kids, and I have the higher paying/more demanding (hours, travel, stress) job. DH steps up and handles nearly everything. We joke that he's like a 1950s housewife...except he also has a FT job outside of the home (government, with excellent benefits).

To the op: while I hear your frustration, I have to wonder how much money you people really need? Aside from the money, your family situation sounds miserable. Is it worth the money?

You earn enough to have a housekeeper/nanny to handle laundry and cooking, so your DH shouldn't be doing that.

Who is handling play dates, sports, activities?

And while I've missed tons of school events, I regret it. Kids notice. And my trip to wherever or very important meeting really didn't justify missing certain events.

I don't earn nearly as much as you do, so I can't really dial it back...although I'm trying. Once I'm safely settled into my relatively new gig, I'm scaling back. Work/life balance will be a priority. But I won't ask DH to step it up. Rather, I want both of us to calm down a bit and be more present.

[Anonymous]

Similar hhi here with two working parents. It’s very easy to outsource all cleaning laundry lawn. It’s absurd not to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice. My perspective is from someone who was for years resentful that I carried all the mental load--all the finances, all the planning, most of the cooking, etc--but we both worked full time (and our combined hhi is sub 300k so we can't outsource the way you can).

Here are a few comments and thoughts.

1) feminism and the sexual revolution only worked partway. It worked enough so driven, education (and likely privileged) women like you can be successful and make a shit ton of money. But it hasn't so far changed a lot of ingrained gender assumptions, particularly on the part of men. You said you and your DH agreed that he would 'lean out' but frankly, that's not what he wants or is doing. The truth is that he is not (and does not want to be) the equivalent of the pt/ or SAHP who runs the household while spouse makes bank. He wants to have his career and a 'normal' load, which unfortunately to him is a bit regressive since he won't do parental stuff that he somehow thinks is your 'job.'

2) Underlying his actions is male resentment--he enjoys the money, sure, but it also feels emasculating to him that you are the one making the money and he is in the traditionally "female" role. Some men dont have a problem with it, but yours does. Your complaints--as justified as they may feel--will only make this worse, so you need a different tactic.

3) Recognize that your choice to work a ton and have things to a certain standard is your choice. Your DH's choice is to have a normal schedule with a nicely paying but not massive salary and it sounds like he chose a career accordingly. You did not.

4) your resentment that he relaxes while you work is annoying for sure. But you both deserve to relax and the issue here is that you chose a job that has a shit ton responsibility that eats into relaxation time. Instead of expecting him to do 80% of the household stuff *that others dont do* , expect 50%. Is he in that ballpark? think about what he is good at doing, likes to do and have him do those things.

5) agree with everyone that at your salary, you should have ONE household employee who runs the home. You should not be managing or micromanaging staff! A good household manager, like the one who posted, will get in the rhythm and basically anticipate your needs. This person should oversee cleaning, shopping, cooking, making and taking appointments for kids, household maintenance, filling out various forms, buying bday presents, picking up cleaning, taking car to the shop etc. Seriously this would be worth it to me if we had the $$ and you certainly do. What this leaves is quality time with your children and spouse.

6) I suspect that as a successful, educated, type A person, you have a hard time of letting go of control (I speak from experience) so the idea of letting someone else choose the camps, do the vacation research, etc, is at some level unsettling. But you MUST. If you are going to continue on your job, you have to empower someone else to make those decisions and then live by the consequences.

7) so much stuff is non essential. I am a working mom in a neighborhood of a lot of pt/sahm and I dont go to many of the school events, etc. I go to the important ones and that's it. My kids know they are important to me. At first I felt guilty and then realized I dont think Ive ever met aman who expressed any guilt about not being a class room helper serving snack next Friday. So some of that shit is not worth it.

Finally, in closing, if you're close to me in age we grew up thinking women could have it all, finally, just the way men can. But the reality is different and if you focus on that and your resentment it will just get work.. Instead of trying to change your husband (and I think his reactions are a mix of valid and not), change the way you are living. Take care of yourself, get sleep, exercise, recreatio. Also, think about the male CEOs--yes, they work a lot, but they also have boundaries for family and personal life. As a woman you may feel like you can't do that, but you have more control than you think. Finally, again, look inward and see if part of the issue might be solved by a willingness to give up control over a number of things (including the outcomes).

If you find you are still exhausted and miserable after outsourcing the stuff that 99% of us have to do, then its not your DH. Its your choice of jobs or at least, how you choose to do your job. Does not mean you have to quit but you might need to find a way to make it more reasonable.

I hope OP is still reading. This post is 100% on-point.

[Anonymous]

If you have Netflix, watch the movie About Time. Stick with it. The last 30 minutes will change your perspective.

[Anonymous]

I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

PP here.

"Poor guy"?? You sound so sexist. Look, no one was holding my hand or taking care of me when I was caring for a newborn and trying to figure out breastfeeding and getting up 6 times a night. Why should I baby my husband at the same time that I was caring for a newborn and going back to work just because I'm the woman and he's the man? No, I don't baby my husband or take care of him like he's my fourth kid. I treat him like the adult he is. He's my partner. He's not a child and shouldn't expect to be treated like one.

Anyway, it works for us. He has his career, I have mine, and we have a strong marriage and a happy home life with three kids besides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

Read her words.

Entitled, passive aggressive, condescending towards her dh.

She may be living the dream, but I suspect he isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

Read her words.

Entitled, passive aggressive, condescending towards her dh.

She may be living the dream, but I suspect he isn't.

One wonders why you attribute these qualities to a post that is neutral, if not positive. COUGHprojectionCOUGH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really perplexed at all the people saying "hire a house manager" etc.

We make over 800k and I wouldn't hire a house manager at our income. House managers cost a lot of money! You need to pay them a professional salary + benefits. Not worth it.

My husband is the breadwinner though I work too and make decent money (~150k). He is a detail oriented perfectionist and a CIO at his company. He's great at "mommy stuff" and remembering the kids' details.

I just don't get all these people in here saying men are bad at this stuff. They're not "bad" at it. They just don't want to do it so they make you think they are bad at it. There is a difference.

Someone who manages a portfolio of funds or works as a law partner should be able to manage a few details about the home front.

So your husband makes 700k +, is a c-suite executive, and carries 50% of the load at home? You married a unicorn. Why are you in here bragging?

I don't know if he's that uncommon or not but the point is, he shouldn't be. I signed up to be his partner, not his mommy. When we had our first baby and I went back to work, I basically told him "I'm going to do my part but not yours so you need to figure it out." and he did.

He's a great, super involved father and husband now and has been for years (our eldest is 10).

Poor guy.

You sound like a peach.

So there's basically one woman in here saying she's married to a high earning husband who does his part fully at home and you're criticizing how she made that happen? She's living the dream.

Read her words.

Entitled, passive aggressive, condescending towards her dh.

She may be living the dream, but I suspect he isn't.

Why because he's being held accountable for his own actions and "forced" to parent the children he chose to make? Shouldn't all men do that?