Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether it is ok or not, it is done ALL THE TIME from 6th grade on for girls and boys. I have 4 kids, my youngest is in 6th grade. 5th grade seems to be the year this practice starts pretty consistently and it is always after a venue celebration. So the kids go to a trampoline park, play for a couple of hours, have cake and pizza and always a small group is invited to a sleepover (usually 6 or less). My kids are completely fine with this by the way. They had a blast at the party and they understand that they are closer to some kids than others. So they get invited to some sleepovers and don't make the list for others. It doesn't affect them at all. The only instances when this was an issue that I an remember is when a friend of my daughter didn't invite one of her closest friends because of some tween drama. The girl was really upset. My oldest daughter one time hoped to be invited to a sleepover for a girl she really liked but it was a very new friendship and she was invited to the party, but not the sleepover. I told her friendships need time to grow and that the other girl most likely had a cap for her sleepover and had cousins and older friends who she wanted to invite. My daughter understood perfectly well. The friendship did grow, they are inseparable now. As they grow into adults, it is a good example to show them that they are not going to be invited to everything and that it is ok. BTW, we have only done this once when my daughter had a huge pool party with 30 of her friends and she invited her 4 best friends to a sleepover.

I think we all can agree that four sleeping over out of a group of 30 is different than inviting 12 and telling half to go home. Also, just because you are fine with it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful and mean. Maybe you would like to go to only part of the party but, for me it is not ideal. Just keep us off the list...any list if that is how you feel about us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.



This does not feel kind.

This. all the talk of resilience or understanding concepts of close vs.casual friends and all of that is really irrelevant- you ask a question like this one because something about it seems, well, possibly shitty, or at the least. feels unkind. Why put that out there? Enough bullshit in the world, even the world of middle schoolers, no need to add.

It's not unkind. I don't know what's so special about sleepovers on DCUM. By middle school only some kids want to stay over after the party. They have sports in the morning or sleepovers with their own friends, not the friend whose party they attended. No way those 12 girls are equally close and some would not want to stay. I don't even understand why is that part of the party.

Maybe you could give the kids an opportunity to say no then? Nothing is special about sleepovers. The point that you are missing is that the party has two parts..the cake/activity and the sleepover part. If you can't have 12 girls sleep over fine just invite the six you can handle. It is unkind because you are telling the non sleep over girls you are not good enough for the rest of the party. How can you not see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.



This does not feel kind.

This. all the talk of resilience or understanding concepts of close vs.casual friends and all of that is really irrelevant- you ask a question like this one because something about it seems, well, possibly shitty, or at the least. feels unkind. Why put that out there? Enough bullshit in the world, even the world of middle schoolers, no need to add.

It's not unkind. I don't know what's so special about sleepovers on DCUM. By middle school only some kids want to stay over after the party. They have sports in the morning or sleepovers with their own friends, not the friend whose party they attended. No way those 12 girls are equally close and some would not want to stay. I don't even understand why is that part of the party.

Maybe you could give the kids an opportunity to say no then? Nothing is special about sleepovers. The point that you are missing is that the party has two parts..the cake/activity and the sleepover part. If you can't have 12 girls sleep over fine just invite the six you can handle. It is unkind because you are telling the non sleep over girls you are not good enough for the rest of the party. How can you not see that?

The only people saying the other girls aren't good enough are the people on this thread. If the girls aren't invited at all, I assume then they aren't good enough to be invited either? This generation is in serious trouble because their parents teach them to interpret everything as an affront. Thankfully it seems OP has extracted herself from this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.



This does not feel kind.

This. all the talk of resilience or understanding concepts of close vs.casual friends and all of that is really irrelevant- you ask a question like this one because something about it seems, well, possibly shitty, or at the least. feels unkind. Why put that out there? Enough bullshit in the world, even the world of middle schoolers, no need to add.

It's not unkind. I don't know what's so special about sleepovers on DCUM. By middle school only some kids want to stay over after the party. They have sports in the morning or sleepovers with their own friends, not the friend whose party they attended. No way those 12 girls are equally close and some would not want to stay. I don't even understand why is that part of the party.

Maybe you could give the kids an opportunity to say no then? Nothing is special about sleepovers. The point that you are missing is that the party has two parts..the cake/activity and the sleepover part. If you can't have 12 girls sleep over fine just invite the six you can handle. It is unkind because you are telling the non sleep over girls you are not good enough for the rest of the party. How can you not see that?

The only people saying the other girls aren't good enough are the people on this thread. If the girls aren't invited at all, I assume then they aren't good enough to be invited either? This generation is in serious trouble because their parents teach them to interpret everything as an affront. Thankfully it seems OP has extracted herself from this thread.

NP. It's the difference between happenstance or casual sorting out and deliberate choice to visibly exclude.

Once you invite someone, you indicate you thought about them and considered their company. Then you asked them to leave, deliberately. It's less of a specific singling out if you asked a large proportion to leave, or if you all left one location and a few kids went to a separate event (house sleepover) at a different location. But when you ask a relatively small proportion of girls to walk out of a room when others are staying and having fun, then yeah, that's singling out, and it's mean. You can still do it, but you aren't being a good or kind person, and you aren't teaching your child to be, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.



This does not feel kind.

This. all the talk of resilience or understanding concepts of close vs.casual friends and all of that is really irrelevant- you ask a question like this one because something about it seems, well, possibly shitty, or at the least. feels unkind. Why put that out there? Enough bullshit in the world, even the world of middle schoolers, no need to add.

It's not unkind. I don't know what's so special about sleepovers on DCUM. By middle school only some kids want to stay over after the party. They have sports in the morning or sleepovers with their own friends, not the friend whose party they attended. No way those 12 girls are equally close and some would not want to stay. I don't even understand why is that part of the party.

Maybe you could give the kids an opportunity to say no then? Nothing is special about sleepovers. The point that you are missing is that the party has two parts..the cake/activity and the sleepover part. If you can't have 12 girls sleep over fine just invite the six you can handle. It is unkind because you are telling the non sleep over girls you are not good enough for the rest of the party. How can you not see that?

The only people saying the other girls aren't good enough are the people on this thread. If the girls aren't invited at all, I assume then they aren't good enough to be invited either? This generation is in serious trouble because their parents teach them to interpret everything as an affront. Thankfully it seems OP has extracted herself from this thread.

NP. It's the difference between happenstance or casual sorting out and deliberate choice to visibly exclude.

Once you invite someone, you indicate you thought about them and considered their company. Then you asked them to leave, deliberately. It's less of a specific singling out if you asked a large proportion to leave, or if you all left one location and a few kids went to a separate event (house sleepover) at a different location. But when you ask a relatively small proportion of girls to walk out of a room when others are staying and having fun, then yeah, that's singling out, and it's mean. You can still do it, but you aren't being a good or kind person, and you aren't teaching your child to be, either.

45 percent is almost half, that's not a relatively small proportion. Not including them at all is also a deliberate choice to exclude. I think a reasonable way to handle this is to invite the 6, and then OP's DC, if asked what she's doing for her birthday by any of the other five girls, could tell them that her mom (which I assume is the case) is only allowing her to have 6 people sleepover. She can say her mom is ok if other people come to the part part and she'd love to have them come, and to let her know if that's something they want to do. If my DD came home and said "Larla's mom says she can only have 6 people at her sleepover party this year, but says more people can go to the party part, can I go?" I wouldn't this Larla was saying my daughter isn't good enough. I'd just view at as Larla's mom setting a number and Larla complying. The sleepover should not be a secret, that would be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to pick 1 or 2 girls, that's the only way it'll be okay.

I agree that 1 or 2 girls is OK. Half the party is not OK.

Still not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to pick 1 or 2 girls, that's the only way it'll be okay.

I agree that 1 or 2 girls is OK. Half the party is not OK.

Still not ok.

So if 11 girls are invited it's not ok to have 1 or 2 girls stay? You people are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.



This does not feel kind.

This. all the talk of resilience or understanding concepts of close vs.casual friends and all of that is really irrelevant- you ask a question like this one because something about it seems, well, possibly shitty, or at the least. feels unkind. Why put that out there? Enough bullshit in the world, even the world of middle schoolers, no need to add.

It's not unkind. I don't know what's so special about sleepovers on DCUM. By middle school only some kids want to stay over after the party. They have sports in the morning or sleepovers with their own friends, not the friend whose party they attended. No way those 12 girls are equally close and some would not want to stay. I don't even understand why is that part of the party.

Maybe you could give the kids an opportunity to say no then? Nothing is special about sleepovers. The point that you are missing is that the party has two parts..the cake/activity and the sleepover part. If you can't have 12 girls sleep over fine just invite the six you can handle. It is unkind because you are telling the non sleep over girls you are not good enough for the rest of the party. How can you not see that?

The only people saying the other girls aren't good enough are the people on this thread. If the girls aren't invited at all, I assume then they aren't good enough to be invited either? This generation is in serious trouble because their parents teach them to interpret everything as an affront. Thankfully it seems OP has extracted herself from this thread.

NP. It's the difference between happenstance or casual sorting out and deliberate choice to visibly exclude.

Once you invite someone, you indicate you thought about them and considered their company. Then you asked them to leave, deliberately. It's less of a specific singling out if you asked a large proportion to leave, or if you all left one location and a few kids went to a separate event (house sleepover) at a different location. But when you ask a relatively small proportion of girls to walk out of a room when others are staying and having fun, then yeah, that's singling out, and it's mean. You can still do it, but you aren't being a good or kind person, and you aren't teaching your child to be, either.

45 percent is almost half, that's not a relatively small proportion. Not including them at all is also a deliberate choice to exclude. I think a reasonable way to handle this is to invite the 6, and then OP's DC, if asked what she's doing for her birthday by any of the other five girls, could tell them that her mom (which I assume is the case) is only allowing her to have 6 people sleepover. She can say her mom is ok if other people come to the part part and she'd love to have them come, and to let her know if that's something they want to do. If my DD came home and said "Larla's mom says she can only have 6 people at her sleepover party this year, but says more people can go to the party part, can I go?" I wouldn't this Larla was saying my daughter isn't good enough. I'd just view at as Larla's mom setting a number and Larla complying. The sleepover should not be a secret, that would be wrong.

No way this scenerio would happe in real life. What usually happens is birthday girl tells one vroup of prople party enxs at suc and such time. The other group is told it is a sleep over. Girls who are told to leave find out and are hurt by exclusion. Nobody sayz anything so birthday girl thinks everyone is cool about it. But we are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether it is ok or not, it is done ALL THE TIME from 6th grade on for girls and boys. I have 4 kids, my youngest is in 6th grade. 5th grade seems to be the year this practice starts pretty consistently and it is always after a venue celebration. So the kids go to a trampoline park, play for a couple of hours, have cake and pizza and always a small group is invited to a sleepover (usually 6 or less). My kids are completely fine with this by the way. They had a blast at the party and they understand that they are closer to some kids than others. So they get invited to some sleepovers and don't make the list for others. It doesn't affect them at all. The only instances when this was an issue that I an remember is when a friend of my daughter didn't invite one of her closest friends because of some tween drama. The girl was really upset. My oldest daughter one time hoped to be invited to a sleepover for a girl she really liked but it was a very new friendship and she was invited to the party, but not the sleepover. I told her friendships need time to grow and that the other girl most likely had a cap for her sleepover and had cousins and older friends who she wanted to invite. My daughter understood perfectly well. The friendship did grow, they are inseparable now. As they grow into adults, it is a good example to show them that they are not going to be invited to everything and that it is ok. BTW, we have only done this once when my daughter had a huge pool party with 30 of her friends and she invited her 4 best friends to a sleepover.

I think we all can agree that four sleeping over out of a group of 30 is different than inviting 12 and telling half to go home. Also, just because you are fine with it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful and mean. Maybe you would like to go to only part of the party but, for me it is not ideal. Just keep us off the list...any list if that is how you feel about us.

That's pretty sensitive. I'm the PP you responded to and I guess I'm not that sensitive and I'm trying to get my kids to have thicker skins because life can be unfair. I can't imagine any of my kids been close friends with everyone. If your child gets invited to a part of a birthday, at this age it is because the birthday kid likes your kid. You would rather your child not go to a party at all if they are not invited to the other part of the party? Friendships are forged through time. Even if I knew ahead of time if there would be a sleepover (and I did know plenty of times through other parents), I wouldn't want my children to miss a party that they wanted to attend and where they can hang out with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether it is ok or not, it is done ALL THE TIME from 6th grade on for girls and boys. I have 4 kids, my youngest is in 6th grade. 5th grade seems to be the year this practice starts pretty consistently and it is always after a venue celebration. So the kids go to a trampoline park, play for a couple of hours, have cake and pizza and always a small group is invited to a sleepover (usually 6 or less). My kids are completely fine with this by the way. They had a blast at the party and they understand that they are closer to some kids than others. So they get invited to some sleepovers and don't make the list for others. It doesn't affect them at all. The only instances when this was an issue that I an remember is when a friend of my daughter didn't invite one of her closest friends because of some tween drama. The girl was really upset. My oldest daughter one time hoped to be invited to a sleepover for a girl she really liked but it was a very new friendship and she was invited to the party, but not the sleepover. I told her friendships need time to grow and that the other girl most likely had a cap for her sleepover and had cousins and older friends who she wanted to invite. My daughter understood perfectly well. The friendship did grow, they are inseparable now. As they grow into adults, it is a good example to show them that they are not going to be invited to everything and that it is ok. BTW, we have only done this once when my daughter had a huge pool party with 30 of her friends and she invited her 4 best friends to a sleepover.

I think we all can agree that four sleeping over out of a group of 30 is different than inviting 12 and telling half to go home. Also, just because you are fine with it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful and mean. Maybe you would like to go to only part of the party but, for me it is not ideal. Just keep us off the list...any list if that is how you feel about us.

That's pretty sensitive. I'm the PP you responded to and I guess I'm not that sensitive and I'm trying to get my kids to have thicker skins because life can be unfair. I can't imagine any of my kids been close friends with everyone. If your child gets invited to a part of a birthday, at this age it is because the birthday kid likes your kid. You would rather your child not go to a party at all if they are not invited to the other part of the party? Friendships are forged through time. Even if I knew ahead of time if there would be a sleepover (and I did know plenty of times through other parents), I wouldn't want my children to miss a party that they wanted to attend and where they can hang out with friends.

This. This right here. Totally agree, PP.

[Anonymous]

Decide what kind of party you want? A big party or a more intimate sleepover. You don't get both.

[Anonymous]

The only people who say this is ok are the people who do it. It's awful and your DD will be considered mean and so will you OP.

[Anonymous]

You don't get both because --- 1) it's hurtful 2) you don't need to be spoiled and get everything/all that you want, just because you want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is incredibly rude and mean girl type behavior.

She can have a party and one girl sleeps over, no big deal.

Or she can have a party and all the girls sleep over. Wonderful.

But having a party where just over half the girls sleep over? Rude and mean.

This. It’s only ok if one or maybe two girls sleep over-or everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decide what kind of party you want? A big party or a more intimate sleepover. You don't get both.

Because a bunch of adults are so emotionally fragile the can't handle their kids not being included in everything.