Is it ok to host a birthday party but only ask a few of the kids to sleep over?

[Anonymous]

No.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.



This does not feel kind.

[Anonymous]

A lot of ridiculous language being thrown around here. Guests ‘fawning’ over DD and ‘honoring’ her. ‘Pity friends’ being thrown ‘crumbs.’ You guys watch too much Kardashians. Get a grip!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of ridiculous language being thrown around here. Guests ‘fawning’ over DD and ‘honoring’ her. ‘Pity friends’ being thrown ‘crumbs.’ You guys watch too much Kardashians. Get a grip!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
“And this thread clearly shows why this generation of kids are so emotionally fragile. How is not being included in a sleepover such a traumatic event that there are pages and pages of adults labeling OP's child a mean girl....when she clearly was just trying to include the other five girls in some part of the day so they wouldn't feel bad? It's fine to say, hey, I think it might hurt the girls' feeling so I wouldn't do it. However, the over the top painting of OP's daughter as some rude mean girl is just insane. You are not doing your girls any favors if this is how you react to minor issues.”

This.

Nobody said it was a traumatic event. But it is hurtful and mean. Ask yourself this if you can be kind why wouldn't you chose that? I get the impression from you and op's dd that the "B" girls should be so honored to be invited to part of the party...they are so lame that surely they should be thrilled at getting the crumbs...meanwhile the girls really know the deal. They are not true friends and it looks like a gift grab.

I wouldn't want to go to a dinner party and told to leave before the dinner...would you? the girls probably would understand if they weren't invited because they are not close friends. I can't believe anyone wouldn't see how mean it is to invite someone to only part of the event. These girls would feel worse if they were invited and excluded rather than excluded altogether.

Why? They were invited to the larger party. So they are not "B" list. But, in our case, the parents said you can pick 2 girls to stay over. The sleeping bags were not visible, the birthday girl was instructed not to discuss it at the party and it wasn't.

Repeat this as needed: you can't be expected to be invited to everything. And there may be reasons beyond "friendship" as to why you weren't invited. That is what we teach our daughter when she is not invited to things. If all girls but one or two were invited to sleep over, you may have a point with "mean" or "hurtful." But, sorry, I am just not able to agree with it otherwise.

How difficult would it be for you just to invite the people you want to sleep over to the party? Please don't invite my dd out of pity and a gift. If my dd isn't a friend that is totally fine. Why pretend that that she is only good for the crumbs?

How hard is it for you to grasp? We totally get that not everyone is invited so please do not invite my dd if you intend to be so exclusionary! It is much better to not go to ANY party than a party you describe. You think you are doing the b girls a favor that they should be "honored" and "grateful" and we are telling you that your party is not the highlight of our lives and you should get over yourself.

Who said anything about feeling honored or grateful? Who ever feels honored or grateful to be invited to a birthday party? Also, while I don't know how much OP is spending on the party, I usually spend more per guest on the party than my kids get in gifts, so I wouldn't jump to conclusions about the invitation is just to get gifts. OP actually came here to ask a question so she would know what was the best thing to do, likely so she wouldn't offend anyone. Why all the animosity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of ridiculous language being thrown around here. Guests ‘fawning’ over DD and ‘honoring’ her. ‘Pity friends’ being thrown ‘crumbs.’ You guys watch too much Kardashians. Get a grip!

I am the crumbs poster and I have never watched one minute of the Kardashians. I am speaking from experience and I was trying to use language that you would understand.

When this happens to you or your child it feels like you are second class citizens that should be grateful for any invite. Look, I get why you are pushing back. You probably did some variation of what the op's dd wants to do. Maybe it is upsetting you at some level knowing that you hurt someone. Then again maybe you feel righteous angry. I did watch the Supreme Court hearings after all.

But, you know what? What the op is proposing is wrong on so many levels. And you defending it is also wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is arguing that the friction of not being invited to the sleepover is the lesser of the two evils, because 5 kids in the wider circle will be really upset if they're not invited to anything at all. We're new to the US and I'm not sure what the etiquette on this should be. Thanks.

Your daughter thinks the other 5 girls she doesn't like as much will be grateful to be included at all?

OP - you need to remind your daughter that her birthday party is for people to gather around to honor her. To give her attention. To give her gifts. To make her the center.
For her to think she's doing the 5 excluded kids a favor by basically letting them fawn over her and give her gifts is making me think she's already heading down the path of being a very self-centered girl. She may not intentionally be a "mean girl" but she is heading down that path.


Second - if you decide to let her do this - you should at least make her tell the excluded girls that there is a sleepover following the party and they are not invited to that. It let's those excluded girls decide if they want to spend time fawning over someone who doesn't think of them too highly. Personally? I'd rather know (and decline your dd's "generous " offer of the whole thing)

What a warped view. Who in the world thinks this is what a birthday party is for? The birthday parties that I've had or my kids have attended have basically been for the enjoyment of the birthday kid and the friends. The only time the birthday person really gets special treatment is when they sing happy birthday and cut the cake. There is no fawning, no honoring....at birthday parties except for maybe when you celebrate your grandparent hitting some milestone birthday. I hope this is all DCUM bubble world view as opposed to how the majority of people think IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
“And this thread clearly shows why this generation of kids are so emotionally fragile. How is not being included in a sleepover such a traumatic event that there are pages and pages of adults labeling OP's child a mean girl....when she clearly was just trying to include the other five girls in some part of the day so they wouldn't feel bad? It's fine to say, hey, I think it might hurt the girls' feeling so I wouldn't do it. However, the over the top painting of OP's daughter as some rude mean girl is just insane. You are not doing your girls any favors if this is how you react to minor issues.”

This.

Nobody said it was a traumatic event. But it is hurtful and mean. Ask yourself this if you can be kind why wouldn't you chose that? I get the impression from you and op's dd that the "B" girls should be so honored to be invited to part of the party...they are so lame that surely they should be thrilled at getting the crumbs...meanwhile the girls really know the deal. They are not true friends and it looks like a gift grab.

I wouldn't want to go to a dinner party and told to leave before the dinner...would you? the girls probably would understand if they weren't invited because they are not close friends. I can't believe anyone wouldn't see how mean it is to invite someone to only part of the event. These girls would feel worse if they were invited and excluded rather than excluded altogether.

Why? They were invited to the larger party. So they are not "B" list. But, in our case, the parents said you can pick 2 girls to stay over. The sleeping bags were not visible, the birthday girl was instructed not to discuss it at the party and it wasn't.

Repeat this as needed: you can't be expected to be invited to everything. And there may be reasons beyond "friendship" as to why you weren't invited. That is what we teach our daughter when she is not invited to things. If all girls but one or two were invited to sleep over, you may have a point with "mean" or "hurtful." But, sorry, I am just not able to agree with it otherwise.

How difficult would it be for you just to invite the people you want to sleep over to the party? Please don't invite my dd out of pity and a gift. If my dd isn't a friend that is totally fine. Why pretend that that she is only good for the crumbs?

How hard is it for you to grasp? We totally get that not everyone is invited so please do not invite my dd if you intend to be so exclusionary! It is much better to not go to ANY party than a party you describe. You think you are doing the b girls a favor that they should be "honored" and "grateful" and we are telling you that your party is not the highlight of our lives and you should get over yourself.

Who said anything about feeling honored or grateful? Who ever feels honored or grateful to be invited to a birthday party? Also, while I don't know how much OP is spending on the party, I usually spend more per guest on the party than my kids get in gifts, so I wouldn't jump to conclusions about the invitation is just to get gifts. OP actually came here to ask a question so she would know what was the best thing to do, likely so she wouldn't offend anyone. Why all the animosity?

Actually, I have zero animosity for the op but, for the defenders of this practice. I am responding to those who are calling us "snowflakes" and telling us at least you are being invited to some of the party. This is very insulting. Your parties are not all that and to act like someone should be grateful just to be invited to part of the party is very ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year old DD has a lot of friends -- too many friends for my taste, but that's another story. Anyway. She wants to invite 11 girls to her birthday at a venue such as Shadowlands, and she also wants to have a sleepover with 6 of her closest friends on the same day. I told her we can't afford to take 11 kids to a venue, if she wants to invite that many kids, we need to do something at home. She's agreed to that, but she won't give up the sleepover. I suggested to her that we have the 6 closest kids come over a few weeks later for a regular sleepover, so the 5 kids who are not staying for a sleepover don't get offended, but she says then the sleepover won't be a birthday sleepover any more. She wants it all to be on the same day. Long story short - is it ok to host a party for 11 girls but only having 6 girls stay for the sleep over? I assume that will cause all kinds of friction. DD is arguing that the friction of not being invited to the sleepover is the lesser of the two evils, because 5 kids in the wider circle will be really upset if they're not invited to anything at all. We're new to the US and I'm not sure what the etiquette on this should be. Thanks.

Your daughter sounds like a spoiled, selfish brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.



This does not feel kind.

This. all the talk of resilience or understanding concepts of close vs.casual friends and all of that is really irrelevant- you ask a question like this one because something about it seems, well, possibly shitty, or at the least. feels unkind. Why put that out there? Enough bullshit in the world, even the world of middle schoolers, no need to add.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year old DD has a lot of friends -- too many friends for my taste, but that's another story. Anyway. She wants to invite 11 girls to her birthday at a venue such as Shadowlands, and she also wants to have a sleepover with 6 of her closest friends on the same day. I told her we can't afford to take 11 kids to a venue, if she wants to invite that many kids, we need to do something at home. She's agreed to that, but she won't give up the sleepover. I suggested to her that we have the 6 closest kids come over a few weeks later for a regular sleepover, so the 5 kids who are not staying for a sleepover don't get offended, but she says then the sleepover won't be a birthday sleepover any more. She wants it all to be on the same day. Long story short - is it ok to host a party for 11 girls but only having 6 girls stay for the sleep over? I assume that will cause all kinds of friction. DD is arguing that the friction of not being invited to the sleepover is the lesser of the two evils, because 5 kids in the wider circle will be really upset if they're not invited to anything at all. We're new to the US and I'm not sure what the etiquette on this should be. Thanks.

Your daughter sounds like a spoiled, selfish brat.

Welcome to America, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.



This does not feel kind.

This. all the talk of resilience or understanding concepts of close vs.casual friends and all of that is really irrelevant- you ask a question like this one because something about it seems, well, possibly shitty, or at the least. feels unkind. Why put that out there? Enough bullshit in the world, even the world of middle schoolers, no need to add.

It's not unkind. I don't know what's so special about sleepovers on DCUM. By middle school only some kids want to stay over after the party. They have sports in the morning or sleepovers with their own friends, not the friend whose party they attended. No way those 12 girls are equally close and some would not want to stay. I don't even understand why is that part of the party.

[Anonymous]

Of course not, OP. God. This is mean girl behavior defined. Only invite the kids you want to sleep over and leave the rest out of it. Teach your kid not to be a jerk and make her set her own limits.

[Anonymous]

Whether it is ok or not, it is done ALL THE TIME from 6th grade on for girls and boys. I have 4 kids, my youngest is in 6th grade. 5th grade seems to be the year this practice starts pretty consistently and it is always after a venue celebration. So the kids go to a trampoline park, play for a couple of hours, have cake and pizza and always a small group is invited to a sleepover (usually 6 or less). My kids are completely fine with this by the way. They had a blast at the party and they understand that they are closer to some kids than others. So they get invited to some sleepovers and don't make the list for others. It doesn't affect them at all. The only instances when this was an issue that I an remember is when a friend of my daughter didn't invite one of her closest friends because of some tween drama. The girl was really upset. My oldest daughter one time hoped to be invited to a sleepover for a girl she really liked but it was a very new friendship and she was invited to the party, but not the sleepover. I told her friendships need time to grow and that the other girl most likely had a cap for her sleepover and had cousins and older friends who she wanted to invite. My daughter understood perfectly well. The friendship did grow, they are inseparable now. As they grow into adults, it is a good example to show them that they are not going to be invited to everything and that it is ok. BTW, we have only done this once when my daughter had a huge pool party with 30 of her friends and she invited her 4 best friends to a sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year old DD has a lot of friends -- too many friends for my taste, but that's another story. Anyway. She wants to invite 11 girls to her birthday at a venue such as Shadowlands, and she also wants to have a sleepover with 6 of her closest friends on the same day. I told her we can't afford to take 11 kids to a venue, if she wants to invite that many kids, we need to do something at home. She's agreed to that, but she won't give up the sleepover. I suggested to her that we have the 6 closest kids come over a few weeks later for a regular sleepover, so the 5 kids who are not staying for a sleepover don't get offended, but she says then the sleepover won't be a birthday sleepover any more. She wants it all to be on the same day. Long story short - is it ok to host a party for 11 girls but only having 6 girls stay for the sleep over? I assume that will cause all kinds of friction. DD is arguing that the friction of not being invited to the sleepover is the lesser of the two evils, because 5 kids in the wider circle will be really upset if they're not invited to anything at all. We're new to the US and I'm not sure what the etiquette on this should be. Thanks.

This is such a strange remark. It reminds me of the Mozart movie when the guy says "too many notes" How is it a problem to be friendly to lots of people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.



This does not feel kind.

This. all the talk of resilience or understanding concepts of close vs.casual friends and all of that is really irrelevant- you ask a question like this one because something about it seems, well, possibly shitty, or at the least. feels unkind. Why put that out there? Enough bullshit in the world, even the world of middle schoolers, no need to add.

It's not unkind. I don't know what's so special about sleepovers on DCUM. By middle school only some kids want to stay over after the party. They have sports in the morning or sleepovers with their own friends, not the friend whose party they attended. No way those 12 girls are equally close and some would not want to stay. I don't even understand why is that part of the party.

This makes zero sense. If you are not close than don't invite the non-close friends.