An explanation and request from a mom of a kid with autism

[Anonymous]

OP, since you have other kids w/o SN, I'm sure you understand that typically developing kids can also "not be ready yet" for certain public spaces like a movie theater outside of the special showings for SAHMs with very little ones, the adult rooms at the public library, or a sit down restaurant. This is something all parents have to consider. Even a NT 8 year old might struggle to be quietly seated for an hour at a Kennedy Center concert. This is why some venues and churches have "cry rooms". Imagination Stage has one.

It's not whether or not your child's behavior is strange, it's whether or not it violates basic common decency to others who also are entitled to use the space --either because it is a public resource or because they paid an entry fee same as you.

I'm not sure why anyone is staring if your child is just pouring water and it's not splashing anyone or creating a slip hazard.

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example of something your son did and an inappropriate reaction you got, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait op here. I'm sorry, you all feel sorry for me because I think you should stop being so aggressive and judgement in telling children off in public spaces when a parent is already monitoring them? You are all having an imaginary disagreement. I said I don't let my son spit on anyone and we leave. I said I make him take turns and wait. I said I faculae his interactions. I don't let him grab toys and I literally never said I did. I never said he hits or is aggressive and he is not. what exactly do you think I am letting him do or am advocating that he should be permitted to do? If I came in here and said my kid with autism should be allowed to hit or what have you, okay, that's one argument.

I'm specifically asking you to stop yelling at my child when I'm standing there and stop being outraged at him and me when he does something you deem unacceptable.

OP, it's pretty rare in general that parents yell at other people's kids. It sounds like it happens all the time to you, and so maybe you should realize that it's much more likely to be a problem with you rather than a problem with all of them.

That sounds pretty extreme. I have never seen another parent yell at a child the way you are describing, whether the child's parent is there or not. Either you are encountering some weirdos, or you are overly sensitive to tone, or your child is acting way beyond the pale and in a dangerous manner (in which case you are apparently not handling things properly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait op here. I'm sorry, you all feel sorry for me because I think you should stop being so aggressive and judgement in telling children off in public spaces when a parent is already monitoring them? You are all having an imaginary disagreement. I said I don't let my son spit on anyone and we leave. I said I make him take turns and wait. I said I faculae his interactions. I don't let him grab toys and I literally never said I did. I never said he hits or is aggressive and he is not. what exactly do you think I am letting him do or am advocating that he should be permitted to do? If I came in here and said my kid with autism should be allowed to hit or what have you, okay, that's one argument.

I'm specifically asking you to stop yelling at my child when I'm standing there and stop being outraged at him and me when he does something you deem unacceptable.

You are talking yourself into circles. Why don't you make clear then what he does that people deem unacceptable if it's not any of the above? As others have said, I find it very odd that you think that we all have reading comprehension issues yet you have been entirely clear.

My ex was like this right before his nervous breakdown due to work stress and conflict with his then fiancée. Roughly 300 emails to family, friends, and coworkers in 24 hours. Even one to our former LL. He really had no insight that he sounded crazy. After he received treatment, he said all the emails he sent made sense at the time but not when he got better.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would suggest talking to a good friend or family member for some feedback on your interactions with these other parents. We can't really give you advice, having never observed them. I have a son with HFA, and I haven't experienced much of what you describe re these other parents, but it could be a difference in our kids' behaviors. Or it could be a difference in your response. Only a real-life friend who has observed the situation can tell you that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, since you have other kids w/o SN, I'm sure you understand that typically developing kids can also "not be ready yet" for certain public spaces like a movie theater outside of the special showings for SAHMs with very little ones, the adult rooms at the public library, or a sit down restaurant. This is something all parents have to consider. Even a NT 8 year old might struggle to be quietly seated for an hour at a Kennedy Center concert. This is why some venues and churches have "cry rooms". Imagination Stage has one.

It's not whether or not your child's behavior is strange, it's whether or not it violates basic common decency to others who also are entitled to use the space --either because it is a public resource or because they paid an entry fee same as you.

I'm not sure why anyone is staring if your child is just pouring water and it's not splashing anyone or creating a slip hazard.

I thought she said "pouring out water", which I interpreted to mean that he pours out water that other kids are playing with. I didn't even think about the splashing people or creating slip hazards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this thread has done is make OP look bad. I know most parents of kids with SN aren't like this because of personal experiences (my own family and my career), but I'm fearful someone else will read her post and think this is the majority opinion.

How exactly? Do explain. This is op. I'm very invited over in the sn community. I see kids treated like this all the time. It's h
Why I send my kid to special needs school and avoid many situations. I certainly have not failed my child. I've advocated for him and gotten him the best help possible.

So suggesting that other parents could not glare at my child when he does unexpected and odd things - I've mentioned blowing raspberries, pouring out water, growling, odd movements - oh and also not bringing babies into the areas clearly marked for preschoolers - I an making us all look bad.

Do you think maybe there is some massive projection there?

I never ever said we don't take my kid home when he misbehaves. Adult. I never said we don't do therapy or seek professional help - believe me, we do. Others can't afford all the help we have however and they have it worse.

People want to be able to think negatively of parents with kids with. What looks like bad behavior, not all kids with special needs have what looks like bad behavior although many do, and these people will not be told they are wrong. That's the upshot of the thread in a nutshell.

Do you really go to a pool that has an area marked for only 3-5 year olds? I've never seen that in my life. The fact that there is a baby pool doesn't mean babies aren't allowed in the big pool... In fact, when babies are really little, it's very difficult to have them in the little pool because they can't sit/stand on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait op here. I'm sorry, you all feel sorry for me because I think you should stop being so aggressive and judgement in telling children off in public spaces when a parent is already monitoring them? You are all having an imaginary disagreement. I said I don't let my son spit on anyone and we leave. I said I make him take turns and wait. I said I faculae his interactions. I don't let him grab toys and I literally never said I did. I never said he hits or is aggressive and he is not. what exactly do you think I am letting him do or am advocating that he should be permitted to do? If I came in here and said my kid with autism should be allowed to hit or what have you, okay, that's one argument.

I'm specifically asking you to stop yelling at my child when I'm standing there and stop being outraged at him and me when he does something you deem unacceptable.

OP, it's pretty rare in general that parents yell at other people's kids. It sounds like it happens all the time to you, and so maybe you should realize that it's much more likely to be a problem with you rather than a problem with all of them.

I have *never* seen a parent yell at another kid, and most parents I've observed don't even say anything to other kids if the other parent is stepping up. Either you hang out at places with incredibly aggressive parents, or something doesn't add up. Either they aren't really yelling, or you aren't stepping in as quickly as you say you are, or your kid's behavior is more upsetting than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - op here - those of you who got so very angry. Why on earth? I did not at any point suggest I was going to let my child injure or even annoy yours if at all possible, and you just lost it. Many of you. I'm thinking any suggestion that you might be being an asshole when you act in a way that you excuse as protecting your child or going all mama bear might in fact be bad behavior is just too much for your limited world view.

And no I'm not taking this down. I think asking for some acceptance and the vitriol and excuses it stirred up is telling and demonstrative of the problem. In the meantime i just carry on doing the best I can and avoiding the ones that are obviously dicks.

My son is 3.5 and very sensitive and fearful. If you child spit at him or blew raspberries or took his ball away, my child would be devastated. If I reacted angrily to you or your child it would only be because I am worried about my own son ( who did not return to the park for over a month once because a bigger boy growled at him).

I love my child, too.

If you are on your son like white on rice, I have no issue with you. If you aren't, I will defend my little boy.

[Anonymous]

If something's amiss, and the other parent is on top of it, that's cool. If the other parent's involvement/my involvement doesn't seem to help, I assume that something atypical is going on, and I redirect my kid/go elsewhere.

"Atypical" could mean a lot of things--special needs, kid just needs a nap, parent is having an "off" day, 2yo being a 2yo, we've all been there.

Tracy Hogg in her parenting books recommends that parents always take an extra pause to figure out what might be going on before responding. Let's take that pause with other kids, and with each other, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait op here. I'm sorry, you all feel sorry for me because I think you should stop being so aggressive and judgement in telling children off in public spaces when a parent is already monitoring them? You are all having an imaginary disagreement. I said I don't let my son spit on anyone and we leave. I said I make him take turns and wait. I said I faculae his interactions. I don't let him grab toys and I literally never said I did. I never said he hits or is aggressive and he is not. what exactly do you think I am letting him do or am advocating that he should be permitted to do? If I came in here and said my kid with autism should be allowed to hit or what have you, okay, that's one argument.

I'm specifically asking you to stop yelling at my child when I'm standing there and stop being outraged at him and me when he does something you deem unacceptable.

OP, it's pretty rare in general that parents yell at other people's kids. It sounds like it happens all the time to you, and so maybe you should realize that it's much more likely to be a problem with you rather than a problem with all of them.

I have *never* seen a parent yell at another kid, and most parents I've observed don't even say anything to other kids if the other parent is stepping up. Either you hang out at places with incredibly aggressive parents, or something doesn't add up. Either they aren't really yelling, or you aren't stepping in as quickly as you say you are, or your kid's behavior is more upsetting than you think.

Exactly. Exactly this

[Anonymous]

I love my child, too. I don't want her to be frightened or upset either. If your son gets unfavorable comments or a parent (or nanny - DD's nanny is fiercely protective) raises their voice to your child, it is because we are protecting our own. No other reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If something's amiss, and the other parent is on top of it, that's cool. If the other parent's involvement/my involvement doesn't seem to help, I assume that something atypical is going on, and I redirect my kid/go elsewhere.

"Atypical" could mean a lot of things--special needs, kid just needs a nap, parent is having an "off" day, 2yo being a 2yo, we've all been there.

Tracy Hogg in her parenting books recommends that parents always take an extra pause to figure out what might be going on before responding. Let's take that pause with other kids, and with each other, too.

OP has repeatedly said that she's not always "on top of it" because she "thinks it's important that he figure this stuff out on his own". She doesn't think that him hogging the swing or pushing in or "blowing raspberries" or "grabbing a ball" or pouring out water that other kids are playing with are problems worth bothering to deal with because she has "bigger problems than that".

She's being entitled and selfish and has no regard for the fact that other parents also have problems and other parents are also exhausted. My kids don't have autism, but we do have several of our own SN/medical issues to deal with. Most of which aren't obvious to someone at the park. And so forgive us, but when we go to the local park to try to relax and unwind and play with the other nice kids a little bit, we'd rather not be spat on. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait op here. I'm sorry, you all feel sorry for me because I think you should stop being so aggressive and judgement in telling children off in public spaces when a parent is already monitoring them? You are all having an imaginary disagreement. I said I don't let my son spit on anyone and we leave. I said I make him take turns and wait. I said I faculae his interactions. I don't let him grab toys and I literally never said I did. I never said he hits or is aggressive and he is not. what exactly do you think I am letting him do or am advocating that he should be permitted to do? If I came in here and said my kid with autism should be allowed to hit or what have you, okay, that's one argument.

I'm specifically asking you to stop yelling at my child when I'm standing there and stop being outraged at him and me when he does something you deem unacceptable.

OP, it's pretty rare in general that parents yell at other people's kids. It sounds like it happens all the time to you, and so maybe you should realize that it's much more likely to be a problem with you rather than a problem with all of them.

I have *never* seen a parent yell at another kid, and most parents I've observed don't even say anything to other kids if the other parent is stepping up. Either you hang out at places with incredibly aggressive parents, or something doesn't add up. Either they aren't really yelling, or you aren't stepping in as quickly as you say you are, or your kid's behavior is more upsetting than you think.

OP used the words "irate" and "furious" in her first post :-|

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my child, too. I don't want her to be frightened or upset either. If your son gets unfavorable comments or a parent (or nanny - DD's nanny is fiercely protective) raises their voice to your child, it is because we are protecting our own. No other reason.

Try thinking in broader terms.