An explanation and request from a mom of a kid with autism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something's amiss, and the other parent is on top of it, that's cool. If the other parent's involvement/my involvement doesn't seem to help, I assume that something atypical is going on, and I redirect my kid/go elsewhere.

"Atypical" could mean a lot of things--special needs, kid just needs a nap, parent is having an "off" day, 2yo being a 2yo, we've all been there.

Tracy Hogg in her parenting books recommends that parents always take an extra pause to figure out what might be going on before responding. Let's take that pause with other kids, and with each other, too.

OP has repeatedly said that she's not always "on top of it" because she "thinks it's important that he figure this stuff out on his own". She doesn't think that him hogging the swing or pushing in or "blowing raspberries" or "grabbing a ball" or pouring out water that other kids are playing with are problems worth bothering to deal with because she has "bigger problems than that".

She's being entitled and selfish and has no regard for the fact that other parents also have problems and other parents are also exhausted. My kids don't have autism, but we do have several of our own SN/medical issues to deal with. Most of which aren't obvious to someone at the park. And so forgive us, but when we go to the local park to try to relax and unwind and play with the other nice kids a little bit, we'd rather not be spat on. Thanks.

But you have to understand that there are different interpretations and levels of "on top of it." Some parents give it an extra few moments for kids to figure it out. That's OK. Some parents jump in right away. That's OK, too. Have some situational awareness; read the room. If something's not working, you really don't have to stand your ground and be Queen of the Hill and have your kid win the day. It's OK to be the one to chalk something up to something being atypical, and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not putting my kid in a floatie because there are other kids with autism out there. That's insane.

I dont' get this either. If you child is an aggressive safety hazard jumping on babies in the pool, a big ass floatie (which would draw MORE attention to said baby) isn't going to help anything.

I'm sure OP is working with her counselor on how to get through to her child and improve various behaviors. Just exercise those at the park or pool. Helicoptering over and experimenting on other children is not the answer. You get down to eye level and teach your child how to behave.

[Anonymous]

OP, were you complaining last week that your daycare provider didn't seem to appreciate your child? You have a kid who has HFA who the director told you is a problem and you have to be ready on a moment's notice to come pick them up if they cause a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not putting my kid in a floatie because there are other kids with autism out there. That's insane.

I dont' get this either. If you child is an aggressive safety hazard jumping on babies in the pool, a big ass floatie (which would draw MORE attention to said baby) isn't going to help anything.

I'm sure OP is working with her counselor on how to get through to her child and improve various behaviors. Just exercise those at the park or pool. Helicoptering over and experimenting on other children is not the answer. You get down to eye level and teach your child how to behave.

I assumed that OP mis-typed and meant that you SHOULDN'T take your kid in the pool in a big floaty because it sets her kid off.

[Anonymous]

I get what you're saying OP and in a perfect world for your son, it could be so, but you can't possibly expect other parents to not bring floaties or toys on the off chance a child with ASD might be in the area and react poorly to those things.

And the dog thing... yeah, you really cannot let him do that. Someone's dog will attack him one day because you thought "he needed to explore" that big reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also - op here - those of you who got so very angry. Why on earth? I did not at any point suggest I was going to let my child injure or even annoy yours if at all possible, and you just lost it. Many of you. I'm thinking any suggestion that you might be being an asshole when you act in a way that you excuse as protecting your child or going all mama bear might in fact be bad behavior is just too much for your limited world view.

And no I'm not taking this down. I think asking for some acceptance and the vitriol and excuses it stirred up is telling and demonstrative of the problem. In the meantime i just carry on doing the best I can and avoiding the ones that are obviously dicks.

My son is 3.5 and very sensitive and fearful. If you child spit at him or blew raspberries or took his ball away, my child would be devastated. If I reacted angrily to you or your child it would only be because I am worried about my own son ( who did not return to the park for over a month once because a bigger boy growled at him).

I love my child, too.

If you are on your son like white on rice, I have no issue with you. If you aren't, I will defend my little boy.

Your son would be devastated if another kid took away his ball?? Maybe your son is so sensitive because of you??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also - op here - those of you who got so very angry. Why on earth? I did not at any point suggest I was going to let my child injure or even annoy yours if at all possible, and you just lost it. Many of you. I'm thinking any suggestion that you might be being an asshole when you act in a way that you excuse as protecting your child or going all mama bear might in fact be bad behavior is just too much for your limited world view.

And no I'm not taking this down. I think asking for some acceptance and the vitriol and excuses it stirred up is telling and demonstrative of the problem. In the meantime i just carry on doing the best I can and avoiding the ones that are obviously dicks.

My son is 3.5 and very sensitive and fearful. If you child spit at him or blew raspberries or took his ball away, my child would be devastated. If I reacted angrily to you or your child it would only be because I am worried about my own son ( who did not return to the park for over a month once because a bigger boy growled at him).

I love my child, too.

If you are on your son like white on rice, I have no issue with you. If you aren't, I will defend my little boy.

Your son would be devastated if another kid took away his ball?? Maybe your son is so sensitive because of you??

Maybe her son has anxiety. Why can't you be nice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something's amiss, and the other parent is on top of it, that's cool. If the other parent's involvement/my involvement doesn't seem to help, I assume that something atypical is going on, and I redirect my kid/go elsewhere.

"Atypical" could mean a lot of things--special needs, kid just needs a nap, parent is having an "off" day, 2yo being a 2yo, we've all been there.

Tracy Hogg in her parenting books recommends that parents always take an extra pause to figure out what might be going on before responding. Let's take that pause with other kids, and with each other, too.

OP has repeatedly said that she's not always "on top of it" because she "thinks it's important that he figure this stuff out on his own". She doesn't think that him hogging the swing or pushing in or "blowing raspberries" or "grabbing a ball" or pouring out water that other kids are playing with are problems worth bothering to deal with because she has "bigger problems than that".

She's being entitled and selfish and has no regard for the fact that other parents also have problems and other parents are also exhausted. My kids don't have autism, but we do have several of our own SN/medical issues to deal with. Most of which aren't obvious to someone at the park. And so forgive us, but when we go to the local park to try to relax and unwind and play with the other nice kids a little bit, we'd rather not be spat on. Thanks.

And, this is why her child behaves as he does. This is not a child who can figure it out on his own and needs constant support and guidance and redirection. She's going to be in for many rough years if she doesn't take control soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, were you complaining last week that your daycare provider didn't seem to appreciate your child? You have a kid who has HFA who the director told you is a problem and you have to be ready on a moment's notice to come pick them up if they cause a problem?

Ugh, wish you DCUM sleuths would just knock it off and stick to the subject of the thread. There are a lot of parents with kids with HFA on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has asd and has a lot of little friends that do, too. We recognize each other easily out and about! Our kids learn differently and often, something parents of babies and neurotyoical kids don't understand, is that they don't understand and are intrigued by large reactions and will seek them out - this is why they bug dogs, babies, and parents of young babies. Countless times I have been in situations where my child is at the park for kids his age, in the pool not the baby pool, mind you, and other places for him, as marked, and we have had issues with parents of young children getting irate and furious with us. My son is 5 but looks much older and this has been going on for years. He may grab a ball. He may not wait his turn. I am a huge helicopter mom and am right there, ready to intervene and I will. But it's important that he be allowed to figure this stuff out. Same for other kids like him and there are a ton with all kinds of issues that make this stuff extra hard. So often when parents think a child is being awful or hasn't been well parented in this area, that kid has special needs. I'm not going to tell you that necessarily at the park. You don't deserve my kids medical history because you think he's being too possessive of the swing especially when I'm right there to help him. But you can avoid some of this by doing things like bringing your baby in a huge floaty into the little kids area of the pool where kids are playing. Bringing huge amounts of toys to the park. Yelling at other kids when their parent is right there. My son doesn't understand and he gets very scared. He's also a child. I'm not letting him interfere with your child's safety or happiness. He's learning. Cut kids some slack.

I don't want to know your kids' medical history. I do know that if you are letting your kid poke my baby or my dog, I will tell the kid to stop and I will tell you if your kid isn't stopping. I will yell if your child is doing something dangerous. Your kid is not learning by bugging my kid. If your kid doesn't stop bugging the dog, the dog (who has never bitten anyone) may bite. Sorry. If I knew your kid had special needs, I'm more than willing to cut the kid and the parent some serious slack.

To ask us to accommodate what your child needs is ridiculous unless we know something about it. To extrapolate from that is even sillier because for invisible SN, how can we possibly know what to do for a SN child if we don't know.

Bottom line for me: If it looks like bad behavior, it is bad behavior unless you tell me otherwise. But I'm not out there guessing if your child has SN or is just having an awful day.

[Anonymous]

It seems a bit cruel to your kid to not explain to people what's going on. Obviously people are going to react surprised or upset when he acts out, because, as you say, they cannot understand what's going on. The most natural thing to do in that situation is defuse it by calmly mentioning he has special needs and asking for extra patience. I think 99% of people would immediately be more understanding and relaxed. Sadly, you come off as ashamed of your son with the overly defensive 'you don't deserve my kids medical history' attitude. That's unfair to him most of all, as he sees upset, confused people and an angry Mom. I don't see how that helps him in any way. If someone is blind, and runs into people, they

[Anonymous]

OP, if your child is "bothering" my baby by growling, poking, spitting at/on them, it will not go well for you. How could you even think this is ok and other people should just deal with it. Sorry, but not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not putting my kid in a floatie because there are other kids with autism out there. That's insane.

I dont' get this either. If you child is an aggressive safety hazard jumping on babies in the pool, a big ass floatie (which would draw MORE attention to said baby) isn't going to help anything.

I'm sure OP is working with her counselor on how to get through to her child and improve various behaviors. Just exercise those at the park or pool. Helicoptering over and experimenting on other children is not the answer. You get down to eye level and teach your child how to behave.

I assumed that OP mis-typed and meant that you SHOULDN'T take your kid in the pool in a big floaty because it sets her kid off.

Seriously? my 1, 2 and 4 yo can just sink or avoid the water while I pay the $2200/year pool fees. How accommodating.

[Anonymous]

God good. You people are insane catastophists. What is up with this dog business? I never ever said that he is permitted to annoy dogs. He was interested in doing so for a time when he was really little but we basically sat on him constantly.

Much of this behavior is in the past for us, in fact. This is stuff ime kids with issues do at 3-4, but we have new issues at 5. More complex social challenges that still bring the ire of others. I was trying to give examples that were quick.

Also re other parents yelling, yes, that's happened. Less actual screaming more what is wrong with you?! Type stuff. Which is kind of funny.

I understand that I may have not been communicating clearlyX I was triggered to post by a super difficult park interaction and we have not had one in some time. I was actually forcing my kid to share a toy he brought to the park unbeknownst to me - so yeah I get it happens! - and melt down after melt down ensued when it was grabbed from him and he repeatedly tried to grab it back. The most stressful part of it was trying to follow him and parents on the play equipment with their babies blocking my view.

On the whole though - the horrific adult behavior we have been subjected to is what has truly shocked me about having a child with a disability. The ignorance and intolerance is mind boggling. And you should all want it to improve because your children are indeed going to have their own issues and the world is just mean. But being mean to little kids? That's a whole different ball of wax.

And that's it. I'm not expecting to shed some light on anything for people who refuse to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my child, too. I don't want her to be frightened or upset either. If your son gets unfavorable comments or a parent (or nanny - DD's nanny is fiercely protective) raises their voice to your child, it is because we are protecting our own. No other reason.

Try thinking in broader terms.

What broader terms?