Getting married in a month and I can't decide if I want to take his last name

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be that annoying mom

Take the damn last name and move on.

Oh the front door is important it's the first impression, just like not taking it is a sign of a difficult annoying person...

Is this...English?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is European and found my taking his last name to be a little odd, but he didn't mind either. I did it because to me it felt romantic, I like his name better than my maiden name, and I wanted us all (kids) to have the same last name.

I think this is a very personal choice you have to make for yourself, OP. Weigh heavy philosiphical things all the way down to shallow things, such as whose name you like better.

At the end of thr day your name is kind of like the color of your front door - not that important in the scheme of things.

Good luck and congratulations!

What do you do for a living?

This thread shows that not everyone will like what you do. I kept my last name. My in-laws always thought it was for professional reasons, but it was not. It is my name. My kids go by their father's last name - it is their name. There was never any confusion about who was the mother, who was the father, what our relationship was. My kids - and I've asked them - to them it is a non-issue. You may internally feel a struggle, so listen to what your own struggle is -- what does HE want, what do PARENTS want, etc. All that is relevant, as is what YOU want. But the bigger societal issues - I think some here blow them up to be bigger than they really are, and the moral/religious overtones are largely dead except in some very conservative areas of the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious why it matters pp? Are you in a field where you work with people too stupid to understand a name change for marriage? It wasn't any issue at all in my field (finance) because it is so common.

No dear in some fields your name carries prestige and you don't muck it up with hyphens and name changes. That's not relevant to someone just in finance.

Oh really dear? I assume that you are a real peach to work with and very prestigious to boot.

I enjoy making a ton of money and having the "prestige" and reputation to carry off a name change without a worry. I get it why people are insecure though, so I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted us to all have the same last name. My husband would have considered taking mine if I'd asked him to.

I grew up with divorced parents and my mom remarried and I lived with them so they were all a family and I had a different last name. It always made me feel just the tiniest bit like an outsider. I a) didn't want to feel that twinge in the family I was building with my husband and b) didn't want my kids to feel it either.

Honestly its NBD. I am a VERY strong, opinionated, female supporting woman (and an atheist democrat in case people think its just conservative thing). Some people would say obnoxiously so but this felt like a silly hill to die on. It is not viewed as succumbing to the patriarchy in today's society, be real. I felt a little sad as my wedding approached and I knew my time as a 'Smith' was coming to an end but six months later it was whatever. Your last name is not your defining characteristic.

If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to change it, change it. Neither choice defines you as a 'better' or 'more independent' or 'stronger' woman.

You can rationalize it all you want, but there are a million "little" ways that our society confers second-class status on women, and this is one. Is it worth wailing in the streets about, no, but please don't delude yourself that it doesn't.

I am the pp you are responding to.

You are completely off your rail. I had every right to not change my name, I did what I wanted to do and it had nothing to do with being a second class citizen. Take your feminist brigade elsewhere. I explained my reasons and you should respect my choice if you're a real feminist. I made no criticisms of women who keep their name, just that it was not that big a deal one way or the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious why it matters pp? Are you in a field where you work with people too stupid to understand a name change for marriage? It wasn't any issue at all in my field (finance) because it is so common.

No dear in some fields your name carries prestige and you don't muck it up with hyphens and name changes. That's not relevant to someone just in finance.

Oh really dear? I assume that you are a real peach to work with and very prestigious to boot.

I enjoy making a ton of money and having the "prestige" and reputation to carry off a name change without a worry. I get it why people are insecure though, so I'm sorry.

Seriously my mother is a renowned doctor who changed her name when she's married my dad, when she divorced him and when she married her stepfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious why it matters pp? Are you in a field where you work with people too stupid to understand a name change for marriage? It wasn't any issue at all in my field (finance) because it is so common.

No dear in some fields your name carries prestige and you don't muck it up with hyphens and name changes. That's not relevant to someone just in finance.

Oh really dear? I assume that you are a real peach to work with and very prestigious to boot.

I enjoy making a ton of money and having the "prestige" and reputation to carry off a name change without a worry. I get it why people are insecure though, so I'm sorry.

Seriously my mother is a renowned doctor who changed her name when she's married my dad, when she divorced him and when she married her stepfather.

Lol no wonder you have so many issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted us to all have the same last name. My husband would have considered taking mine if I'd asked him to.

I grew up with divorced parents and my mom remarried and I lived with them so they were all a family and I had a different last name. It always made me feel just the tiniest bit like an outsider. I a) didn't want to feel that twinge in the family I was building with my husband and b) didn't want my kids to feel it either.

Honestly its NBD. I am a VERY strong, opinionated, female supporting woman (and an atheist democrat in case people think its just conservative thing). Some people would say obnoxiously so but this felt like a silly hill to die on. It is not viewed as succumbing to the patriarchy in today's society, be real. I felt a little sad as my wedding approached and I knew my time as a 'Smith' was coming to an end but six months later it was whatever. Your last name is not your defining characteristic.

If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to change it, change it. Neither choice defines you as a 'better' or 'more independent' or 'stronger' woman.

You can rationalize it all you want, but there are a million "little" ways that our society confers second-class status on women, and this is one. Is it worth wailing in the streets about, no, but please don't delude yourself that it doesn't.

I am the pp you are responding to.

You are completely off your rail. I had every right to not change my name, I did what I wanted to do and it had nothing to do with being a second class citizen. Take your feminist brigade elsewhere. I explained my reasons and you should respect my choice if you're a real feminist. I made no criticisms of women who keep their name, just that it was not that big a deal one way or the other.

Of course it is your choice, but I don't have to respect your choice to be a real feminist. That line of thinking is bullshit. The whole idea of the name change is *based* on the idea that women were the property of men...first their fathers, then their husbands. That is what it is based on. You cannot dispute this, even if you don't think of it that way yourself (now).

[Anonymous]

Deal breaker for me. If a woman decides to keep her name I'll keep the ring. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious why it matters pp? Are you in a field where you work with people too stupid to understand a name change for marriage? It wasn't any issue at all in my field (finance) because it is so common.

No dear in some fields your name carries prestige and you don't muck it up with hyphens and name changes. That's not relevant to someone just in finance.

Oh really dear? I assume that you are a real peach to work with and very prestigious to boot.

I enjoy making a ton of money and having the "prestige" and reputation to carry off a name change without a worry. I get it why people are insecure though, so I'm sorry.

Seriously my mother is a renowned doctor who changed her name when she's married my dad, when she divorced him and when she married her stepfather.

My mother was adopted into an abusive home and her adoptive father deserted the family when she was 4. Believe me she was happy to shed her name and take on my fathers. To assume that you know all of an individual woman's choice to change her name is shortsighted and narrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious why it matters pp? Are you in a field where you work with people too stupid to understand a name change for marriage? It wasn't any issue at all in my field (finance) because it is so common.

No dear in some fields your name carries prestige and you don't muck it up with hyphens and name changes. That's not relevant to someone just in finance.

Oh really dear? I assume that you are a real peach to work with and very prestigious to boot.

I enjoy making a ton of money and having the "prestige" and reputation to carry off a name change without a worry. I get it why people are insecure though, so I'm sorry.

Seriously my mother is a renowned doctor who changed her name when she's married my dad, when she divorced him and when she married her stepfather.

Lol no wonder you have so many issues.

Ha. Married MY stepfather lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted us to all have the same last name. My husband would have considered taking mine if I'd asked him to.

I grew up with divorced parents and my mom remarried and I lived with them so they were all a family and I had a different last name. It always made me feel just the tiniest bit like an outsider. I a) didn't want to feel that twinge in the family I was building with my husband and b) didn't want my kids to feel it either.

Honestly its NBD. I am a VERY strong, opinionated, female supporting woman (and an atheist democrat in case people think its just conservative thing). Some people would say obnoxiously so but this felt like a silly hill to die on. It is not viewed as succumbing to the patriarchy in today's society, be real. I felt a little sad as my wedding approached and I knew my time as a 'Smith' was coming to an end but six months later it was whatever. Your last name is not your defining characteristic.

If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to change it, change it. Neither choice defines you as a 'better' or 'more independent' or 'stronger' woman.

You can rationalize it all you want, but there are a million "little" ways that our society confers second-class status on women, and this is one. Is it worth wailing in the streets about, no, but please don't delude yourself that it doesn't.

I am the pp you are responding to.

You are completely off your rail. I had every right to not change my name, I did what I wanted to do and it had nothing to do with being a second class citizen. Take your feminist brigade elsewhere. I explained my reasons and you should respect my choice if you're a real feminist. I made no criticisms of women who keep their name, just that it was not that big a deal one way or the other.

Of course it is your choice, but I don't have to respect your choice to be a real feminist. That line of thinking is bullshit. The whole idea of the name change is *based* on the idea that women were the property of men...first their fathers, then their husbands. That is what it is based on. You cannot dispute this, even if you don't think of it that way yourself (now).

Well that's what the entire institution of marriage is founded on too. Should no one get married because a few hundred years ago marriage was frequently an exchange in female property?

Acting like history is the only thing that can influence a proper feminists way of thinking is just so stupid and narrow moved.

I never DID dispute that it was based in a sexist practice, I disputed that it means those same things today. Because it doesn't. And actually feminism DOES mean giving women the right to choose. I guess you don't have to respect my choice (which was, in case you didn't actually read it, based on my very real experiences as a child not sharing my family's name) but to judge this in particular so harshly seems like a lot of wasted effort. Plenty of very strong, secure, independent women choose to take their husbands name when they choose to start their family.

[Anonymous]

I don't regret it but I also didn't feel strongly about taking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted us to all have the same last name. My husband would have considered taking mine if I'd asked him to.

I grew up with divorced parents and my mom remarried and I lived with them so they were all a family and I had a different last name. It always made me feel just the tiniest bit like an outsider. I a) didn't want to feel that twinge in the family I was building with my husband and b) didn't want my kids to feel it either.

Honestly its NBD. I am a VERY strong, opinionated, female supporting woman (and an atheist democrat in case people think its just conservative thing). Some people would say obnoxiously so but this felt like a silly hill to die on. It is not viewed as succumbing to the patriarchy in today's society, be real. I felt a little sad as my wedding approached and I knew my time as a 'Smith' was coming to an end but six months later it was whatever. Your last name is not your defining characteristic.

If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to change it, change it. Neither choice defines you as a 'better' or 'more independent' or 'stronger' woman.

You can rationalize it all you want, but there are a million "little" ways that our society confers second-class status on women, and this is one. Is it worth wailing in the streets about, no, but please don't delude yourself that it doesn't.

I am the pp you are responding to.

You are completely off your rail. I had every right to not change my name, I did what I wanted to do and it had nothing to do with being a second class citizen. Take your feminist brigade elsewhere. I explained my reasons and you should respect my choice if you're a real feminist. I made no criticisms of women who keep their name, just that it was not that big a deal one way or the other.

Of course it is your choice, but I don't have to respect your choice to be a real feminist. That line of thinking is bullshit. The whole idea of the name change is *based* on the idea that women were the property of men...first their fathers, then their husbands. That is what it is based on. You cannot dispute this, even if you don't think of it that way yourself (now).

Well that's what the entire institution of marriage is founded on too. Should no one get married because a few hundred years ago marriage was frequently an exchange in female property?

Acting like history is the only thing that can influence a proper feminists way of thinking is just so stupid and narrow moved.

I never DID dispute that it was based in a sexist practice, I disputed that it means those same things today. Because it doesn't. And actually feminism DOES mean giving women the right to choose. I guess you don't have to respect my choice (which was, in case you didn't actually read it, based on my very real experiences as a child not sharing my family's name) but to judge this in particular so harshly seems like a lot of wasted effort. Plenty of very strong, secure, independent women choose to take their husbands name when they choose to start their family.

I can see where you are going, but one could argue that the institution of marriage under the law in this country has changed to be more egalitarian and that many couples do it either for spiritual reasons (a joining recognized by their religion) or for the legal benefits (or maybe both). I would argue that in this country, it has become more symbolic of joining two separate lives into one and not about exchange of property.

On the other hand, with the name changing, the norm is still for the woman to take the man's name. It may not translate to literal ownership of one person by another, but the symbolic meaning is still there. The woman ceases to be her old self and has a new outward identity and he changes his outward identity not at all. In most cases there is no discussion of whether the man will change his name; it is either assumed the woman will change hers or there might be discussion of the woman having the choice to keep her name. Some progress for women with that choice, but not full equality. It does remain as one way women are seen as secondary to the man they marry. I'm sorry if that insults you personally; I don't mean to insinuate that I think you are completely anti-feminist for changing your name. My original comment was meant to say, wait a minute, for some of us, this is a big deal. And you come back with "you are off your rail" and "feminist brigade" and I'm not a "real feminist" if I don't agree with you. Maybe you need to stop and think about who is really being narrow minded here. I never said history is the "only thing that can influence proper feminists way of thinking" but to forget or ignore history is not a good idea, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deal breaker for me. If a woman decides to keep her name I'll keep the ring. Simple as that.

Lol enjoy staying single then! Troll.

[Anonymous]

I kept my last name; husband kept his. Our kids have hyphenated last names. It's literally never caused any problems, unless you count the fact that his elderly relatives refer to all of us as if we have his last name a problem (I don't consider it to be a problem at all).

This choice does not make me less bonded to my husband or children. It doesn't make me a better feminist. It's simply what made sense for me and my husband, and our kids.

Do what you want to do, OP. The nice thing about living in a world that is more open to feminism is that you have a choice.