Getting married in a month and I can't decide if I want to take his last name

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was easy for me. I wanted our family to all share a last name. I have no regrets about changing my name.

+1 No regrets.

[Anonymous]

OP, no need to hurry up and change your name. Just wait and do it at a leisurely pace if you decide to do it. Or not. Changing your name doesnt change your love, doesnt change you as a person, etc. You may decide not to bother. Or you may decide you want to. You are planning on being married for life, right? No need to change your name tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

I didn't change my name. No regrets, very happy with my decision. These days you have so many accounts in your name: work, personal email. credit cards. Facebook. LinkedIn (do you really want to advertise your marriage all over LinkedIn)?

It was so much hassle and so much easier not to change.

You can decide what to do about kid names later.

I'm happily married 13 years later, but have some friends who have gotten divorced and really regretted the name change -- because then they want to change back -- and then you're not advertising a marriage, but a divorce to your professional and personal world. Awkward.

But like I say, keeping my name has been totally practical and so much easier than changing my name. I have a somewhat long name, my husband a shorter one. Informally we refer to ourselves by a combo name. Say our names are Smith and Hansen. We call ourselves the Hansmith house.

[Anonymous]

The anti feminist part of this is if you were being forced to change your name like you're chattel.

The delightfully feminist part of this is that you DO have the choice. I don't think it's anti feminist to change your name if it pleases you. It's antifeminist to judge a woman for making the choice to do so. The point of feminism is not that women cannot follow tradition - it's allowing them to choose if doing so suits them, and allowing them to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it feels so archaic and anti feminist to take his name...

Okay, but it is REALLY practical to just have one family name. Just pick one.

How so? I just posted and don't see any practical advantages if we all had the same name. Lots of logistics to name changing though. I find it more practical not to change.

To each their own, obviously, but I don't get the "more practical to change your name" argument.

[Anonymous]

You do you. I never seriously considered changing my last name, to be honest. I'm rather attached to my name and felt strongly that I wasn't giving up an identity, at least no more than my DH. Also, his last name is already long and hyphenated. Every now and then, someone random will call me by [HISLASTNAME] and I'm not the sort to get worked up or correct them unless we are going to have an ongoing relationship. No big deal. And I'm not fussed about having the same name as my kids. We discussed giving them my name instead of his, but I actually wanted him to have his name on the kids. It works for us.

That said, it is occasionally inconvenient. Like, we couldn't refinance our mortgage without producing a marriage license to show that we're really married. And daycare teachers call me "mom" because they can't keep my last name straight. Whatever. On the upside, we can easily use my last name (which is much shorter and easier to spell) for reservations and the like.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to keep my last name. I like it. My DS has my DH's last name, and sure sometimes it's weird not to be "The SameLastNames" but it's not a big deal.

I did however change my middle name to my DH's last name. So I am now - Larla DHLastname Mylastname. A little quirky - but works for me.

It's getting more common now for couples to have different last names, so there aren't questions when traveling or if I am his mom.

If you want to change it - great! If not - great! You also don't have to decide right away.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I mean - more about why it's not practical to change your name in the age of Google.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/politics/news/a43154/name-changing-after-marriage-on-the-internet/

I also dislike it when I'm trying to look up old college friends (with whom I lost touch before FB an LinkedIn) and find they've disappeared off the face of the Internet because of name changes...

[Anonymous]

You don't have to decide right away. I changed mine 4 years in due to various elements coming together (I was pregnant, we were moving states and I had to go to the DMV anyway, etc). I have answered to either name since we've been married, so not changing it was more a matter of laziness than principle.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to change my name, but I'll admit - it was harder than I anticipated. It has been 3.5 years and I think I've just now stopped finding random stuff in my old name. I also still have my maiden name in my email signature at work. I'm not in a profession where it really matters, but I'd been at my company 7 years and had a reputation that got stuff done with my old name. I noticed a marked difference when I only use my married name.

I took a new role and have gotten increased exposure in this new role, and I think I'm finally about ready to drop the maiden name in my email signature -- after 3.5 years. But especially when I took the new role, I would always introduce myself on conference calls etc using both names "Jane Smith Doe." It helped a lot.

I don't regret changing my name, but it was more involved than I expected.

What I really came to post though was that things I THOUGHT would be a big deal before I got married really have turned out not to be that big of a deal. And other stuff I thought wouldn't bother me do. You don't have to make a decision right now, OP. You can keep your maiden name for a few months and then decide.

[Anonymous]

I took my husbands common last name and regret it. After almost 10 years, it still doesn't feel like my name. I did it so our family would all have the same name, but it has just never sat right with me. If I had it to do over again, I would have kept my maiden name and continued to use it professionally and officially, but not been hung up about it in social settings (i.e. I'd answer to Mrs Smith at my kids' school and sign our Christmas cards 'the smith family'). I've actually thought about changing it back, but that would be too weird at this point.

[Anonymous]

I wish I'd kept my name. You lose your identity and the ability of long lost friends to locate you on social media, among other things.

[Anonymous]

There is no rush, OP. I always knew I would eventually change my name but I waited over a year. When I was ready, it felt right. Had nothing to do with our marriage or DH, just when I felt ready to give up my maiden name. Now that we have kids I love that we all have the same last name.

[Anonymous]

I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

[Anonymous]

I've never been married. Now that I'm 44, I'd likely keep my last name simply because I've had it so long. It's part of me. But before this, I always said that if I married someone whose name was shorter and easier to spell and sounded good with my first name, I'd consider taking it.

My name is pretty short, but it's a slight variation on a more common spelling of the same name, so it gets misspelled a lot. So if I could take on an easier last name like "Jones" or whatever, that everyone knows how to spell, I might.

I don't think it matters - your call.