Found a condom in my husband's car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. The additional condoms and lube tell you all you need to know in terms of knowing he's had sex with at least one other person if not people.

Honestly, and maybe it's just because this happens to me, the lube plus car condoms suggests same-sex anonymous hookup to me. There are lots of oubliy straight guys in the DC area (probably everywhere) who will meet another guy for quickie sex, no questions asked. If your DH's time is mostly accounted for and you can't imagine him being able to have a full time affair, that would be my guess.

For me, it was somewhat a comfort to know that the sex was anonymous and not at all emotional or personal, but I still couldn't live with the breach in trust and eventually split up.

SurvivingInfidelity.com can be a huge help to you now. I'm so sorry, OP.

DH here: sadly, this sounds like the most plausible scenario to me, too. I'd gather more evidence before confronting, however, since it is not entirely definitive and if he stonewalls and goes dark because he knows you know, you will drive yourself crazy wondering.

There are lots of oubliy straight guys in the DC area (probably everywhere) who will meet another guy for quickie sex, no questions asked.

NO THAT IS NOT CORRECT. I'm straight and no mans gonna suck my dick. You bi people need to get out of you head that everyone can be bi
If he's humping other men , he is gay

I don't know what the PP meant by "oubliy straight guys" but I assumed that meant men who claim to be straight who will have sex with men with no strings attached. Not men who are actually straight who are having sex with men.

As for the belief that everyone can be bi, everyone can be. If you're not, that's fine, but a bi man who is sexually interested in men AND women is not "gay." you need to get out of your head that people are either straight or gay with nothing in between. It's just not true.

I'm the PP who typed that and it was a typo. Sorry! I meant "publicly straight guys". Like my ex. I'm not even sure to this day what I'd say he is in terms of orientation, but the short story is that he was a sex addict (a diagnosis that I think is half-hokey...essentially, he was obsessive about sex and used it as an escape from his problems)...so basically, he would have sex with whoever was immediately available at any given time. And given that professionals cost money and that meeting a professional once a day would add up to a sum that I'd eventually notice, he turned to anonymous meetups with whoever would be available, which was usually lots and lots and lots of purportedly straight men who'd meet for trysts.

I saw the email account he'd use for meeting guys and he'd literally get dozens of responses within an hour of putting up an ad, from guys who'd meet him in parking lots or other semi-public locations on the way home from work. It happens a LOT in this area, even now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A person with nothing to hide doesn't need to give 3 different CYA excuses. Only one, the truth, would be necessary. Liars always go into more detail than they need to. He's full of it.

This.

+2 - His response makes me more suspicious than the condoms themselves.

I am deeply suspicious that he claims it's one of theirs he took to buy more but then says "maybe it was a car person's." No. It's yours and you have a reason or it's not yours but IT ISNT BOTH.

Yep. So the car person just happened to leave the same gold wrapper kind with the same expiration date as the ones from their house? Or the husband put some in the car and this mysterious car person ALSO left condoms in the car? Wow, what are the odds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. The additional condoms and lube tell you all you need to know in terms of knowing he's had sex with at least one other person if not people.

Honestly, and maybe it's just because this happens to me, the lube plus car condoms suggests same-sex anonymous hookup to me. There are lots of oubliy straight guys in the DC area (probably everywhere) who will meet another guy for quickie sex, no questions asked. If your DH's time is mostly accounted for and you can't imagine him being able to have a full time affair, that would be my guess.

For me, it was somewhat a comfort to know that the sex was anonymous and not at all emotional or personal, but I still couldn't live with the breach in trust and eventually split up.

SurvivingInfidelity.com can be a huge help to you now. I'm so sorry, OP.

DH here: sadly, this sounds like the most plausible scenario to me, too. I'd gather more evidence before confronting, however, since it is not entirely definitive and if he stonewalls and goes dark because he knows you know, you will drive yourself crazy wondering.

There are lots of oubliy straight guys in the DC area (probably everywhere) who will meet another guy for quickie sex, no questions asked.

NO THAT IS NOT CORRECT. I'm straight and no mans gonna suck my dick. You bi people need to get out of you head that everyone can be bi
If he's humping other men , he is gay

I don't know what the PP meant by "oubliy straight guys" but I assumed that meant men who claim to be straight who will have sex with men with no strings attached. Not men who are actually straight who are having sex with men.

As for the belief that everyone can be bi, everyone can be. If you're not, that's fine, but a bi man who is sexually interested in men AND women is not "gay." you need to get out of your head that people are either straight or gay with nothing in between. It's just not true.

I'm the PP who typed that and it was a typo. Sorry! I meant "publicly straight guys". Like my ex. I'm not even sure to this day what I'd say he is in terms of orientation, but the short story is that he was a sex addict (a diagnosis that I think is half-hokey...essentially, he was obsessive about sex and used it as an escape from his problems)...so basically, he would have sex with whoever was immediately available at any given time. And given that professionals cost money and that meeting a professional once a day would add up to a sum that I'd eventually notice, he turned to anonymous meetups with whoever would be available, which was usually lots and lots and lots of purportedly straight men who'd meet for trysts.

I saw the email account he'd use for meeting guys and he'd literally get dozens of responses within an hour of putting up an ad, from guys who'd meet him in parking lots or other semi-public locations on the way home from work. It happens a LOT in this area, even now.

Out of curiosity (pp here), was he seeking men, or was he just seeking whoever was immediately available?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Good morning,

I had to ask him last night.

1. He said I had specifically requested for him to get more of the same condoms and he took one with him to be sure he purchased the right one. He is sloppy and possible that he forgot it in the car.

2. He also suggested that maybe the condoms belong to whoever had access to his car when he was in an accident late last year (SUV totaled last summer, car accident in November/December). The car was in the shop for almost a month.

3. Trojan sells condoms in pack of 3, 10, 12, 26 or 36 counts in gold foils. I pointed out that he purchased a pack for us (26 or 36), we used 4 or 5 and there's 14 left. Where are the rest? He doesn't know.

4. This morning, I asked for access to his individual credit card login. He goes bowling once a week, in the past he charged it to his individual credit card but there's only one transaction since the beginning of December. He never uses cash except where credit is not accepted.

I know that if he wants to hide, I wouldn't be able to find anything because he has Google phone numbers for everything (online purchases, home improvement contractors, our tenants). I don't understand why he would be leaving condoms for me to find like this. Three in the arm rest has the same expiration date as the other 14 in our nightstand, one matches the other in the glove compartment. These and the lube (unused) are under a pile of crumbled napkins/receipts.

Good for you for confronting him and not stewing about this and driving yourself nuts. Unfortunately, his response sucks.

1. That's actually sort of remotely plausible...I can totally see my DH taking something like that on an errand and then leaving it in the car for months and forgetting about it. (We have messy cars.) But the lube and the other condoms really nix that excuse.

2. Yeah, totally lame excuse. Aside from in Seinfeld episodes, this doesn't happen. And not with a brand that just coincidentally matches with his regular brand that you guys use.

3. That's pretty darn fishy. (It also suggests that you guys don't have much sex yourselves, which would fit the profile of someone cheating.)

4. I'm not sure what you're concluding here -- either that he has another credit card that you don't know about, or that he's not really at bowling when he says he is. If you suspect another credit card, you could always have him get a free credit report for himself (that's the legit way) or pretend to be him and get his free credit report and see if he has another line of credit that you don't know about.

I'm the PP who wrote that I'd suggest to him that you could forgive him but only if he tells you the truth now...if he turns you into a crazy sleuth to find out the truth (which you will find, eventually) I'd say that's unforgiveable.

I talked to my DH last night and he said he would 100% assume that I was cheating if he found condoms in my car. So I think it's a reasonable suspicion. And if he's a reasonable person and has nothing to hide, he should be willing to work with you to assuage your reasonable concerns. I would say to him, "Do you have any email addresses or Google phone numbers or any other accounts that I don't know about or have access to?" Make sure he discloses everything to you, so if you find something hidden later, you'll know it's not for legit uses. (My ex had numerous email accounts he used for things that were out of the bounds of our stated commitment.)

Good luck, OP. My heart breaks for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. The additional condoms and lube tell you all you need to know in terms of knowing he's had sex with at least one other person if not people.

Honestly, and maybe it's just because this happens to me, the lube plus car condoms suggests same-sex anonymous hookup to me. There are lots of oubliy straight guys in the DC area (probably everywhere) who will meet another guy for quickie sex, no questions asked. If your DH's time is mostly accounted for and you can't imagine him being able to have a full time affair, that would be my guess.

For me, it was somewhat a comfort to know that the sex was anonymous and not at all emotional or personal, but I still couldn't live with the breach in trust and eventually split up.

SurvivingInfidelity.com can be a huge help to you now. I'm so sorry, OP.

DH here: sadly, this sounds like the most plausible scenario to me, too. I'd gather more evidence before confronting, however, since it is not entirely definitive and if he stonewalls and goes dark because he knows you know, you will drive yourself crazy wondering.

There are lots of oubliy straight guys in the DC area (probably everywhere) who will meet another guy for quickie sex, no questions asked.

NO THAT IS NOT CORRECT. I'm straight and no mans gonna suck my dick. You bi people need to get out of you head that everyone can be bi
If he's humping other men , he is gay

I don't know what the PP meant by "oubliy straight guys" but I assumed that meant men who claim to be straight who will have sex with men with no strings attached. Not men who are actually straight who are having sex with men.

As for the belief that everyone can be bi, everyone can be. If you're not, that's fine, but a bi man who is sexually interested in men AND women is not "gay." you need to get out of your head that people are either straight or gay with nothing in between. It's just not true.

I'm the PP who typed that and it was a typo. Sorry! I meant "publicly straight guys". Like my ex. I'm not even sure to this day what I'd say he is in terms of orientation, but the short story is that he was a sex addict (a diagnosis that I think is half-hokey...essentially, he was obsessive about sex and used it as an escape from his problems)...so basically, he would have sex with whoever was immediately available at any given time. And given that professionals cost money and that meeting a professional once a day would add up to a sum that I'd eventually notice, he turned to anonymous meetups with whoever would be available, which was usually lots and lots and lots of purportedly straight men who'd meet for trysts.

I saw the email account he'd use for meeting guys and he'd literally get dozens of responses within an hour of putting up an ad, from guys who'd meet him in parking lots or other semi-public locations on the way home from work. It happens a LOT in this area, even now.

Out of curiosity (pp here), was he seeking men, or was he just seeking whoever was immediately available?

PP here. From what I could see, when he responded to other people's ads, he responded to men, women, and couples, whoever was available. He cast a wide net. When he posted ads, it was mostly in M4M sites, but I think that might be because there was more of a likelihood that men would be quickly available for that kind of sexual encounter.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you knew from the get-go that the condoms were the same ones you use with him and you still jumped right to conclusions, you obviously don't trust him to begin with and should cut ties.

[Anonymous]

Do you have the remaining condoms for the box? Maybe he bought a large box and left it when his car was in the shop and some were taken by the workers who saw a chance at free condoms.

And do you use lube? That kind specifically? I am assuming not but you left out that you use those condoms.

[Anonymous]

Every wrapper has a control or lot number, this isn't a gallon of milk, this is a near medical device that is very closely regulated.

In addition to the expiration date there is a lot number on each of the wrappers, check them with your current stock in the house and see if they match. If the lot numbers match you only have a few missing units to account for; it would be highly unlikely that the same lot numbers would be in different boxes.

[Anonymous]

That's it? No more?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and THEN you confront.

Alternately, bluff. Throw the condom on the table and say "And I found the rest. How painful do you want this to be?" He will fold like a deck of cheap cards if he thinks you have more and he's guilty.

Not if he were my husband. My husband would flip that script on me being crazy and play dumb immediately, and then proceed to extract information about how much I know. At which Point, I would fold like a deck of expensive cards, and he would know that he could still argue innocence against a lack of real "proof". Asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh and THEN you confront.

Alternately, bluff. Throw the condom on the table and say "And I found the rest. How painful do you want this to be?" He will fold like a deck of cheap cards if he thinks you have more and he's guilty.

Not if he were my husband. My husband would flip that script on me being crazy and play dumb immediately, and then proceed to extract information about how much I know. At which Point, I would fold like a deck of expensive cards, and he would know that he could still argue innocence against a lack of real "proof". Asshole.

Effin' lawyers...

[Anonymous]

OP, what'd you find from his credit card account and other info you were going to look into last night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Every wrapper has a control or lot number, this isn't a gallon of milk, this is a near medical device that is very closely regulated.

In addition to the expiration date there is a lot number on each of the wrappers, check them with your current stock in the house and see if they match. If the lot numbers match you only have a few missing units to account for; it would be highly unlikely that the same lot numbers would be in different boxes.

Pretty sure gallons of milk have lot numbers. Mine do. Foods are tracked too, you know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. The additional condoms and lube tell you all you need to know in terms of knowing he's had sex with at least one other person if not people.

Honestly, and maybe it's just because this happens to me, the lube plus car condoms suggests same-sex anonymous hookup to me. There are lots of oubliy straight guys in the DC area (probably everywhere) who will meet another guy for quickie sex, no questions asked. If your DH's time is mostly accounted for and you can't imagine him being able to have a full time affair, that would be my guess.

For me, it was somewhat a comfort to know that the sex was anonymous and not at all emotional or personal, but I still couldn't live with the breach in trust and eventually split up.

SurvivingInfidelity.com can be a huge help to you now. I'm so sorry, OP.

DH here: sadly, this sounds like the most plausible scenario to me, too. I'd gather more evidence before confronting, however, since it is not entirely definitive and if he stonewalls and goes dark because he knows you know, you will drive yourself crazy wondering.

There are lots of oubliy straight guys in the DC area (probably everywhere) who will meet another guy for quickie sex, no questions asked.

NO THAT IS NOT CORRECT. I'm straight and no mans gonna suck my dick. You bi people need to get out of you head that everyone can be bi
If he's humping other men , he is gay

See, when I see a man react this strongly against bisexuality/homosexuality? I assume he's closeted and tormented by his urges for sex with other men.

Regular straight guys don't give a shit if people out there are bi or straight or gay. If you're so worked up about it, it's a case of "the gentleman doth protest too much."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't imagine why he would have a condom when he's been married for 8 years.

Don't confront, look for more evidence. If he's this sloppy with a condom and he's cheating, there's way more evidence if you know to look.

+1.

I agree. Fyi Firefox saves passwords. Hopefully he uses that at home so I'd start there and open his email and facebook.