Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

[Anonymous]

OP, you already know why they didn't ask about your daughter in the past. It was a painful time for them. Let it go.

I lost one of my closest friends due to her IF. She just dropped me. She was one of my bridesmaids, was so happy for me when my first child was born. Then she struggled with IF for years. She totally blew off my second child, avoided me at all costs. Once she was pregnant, she started trying to be my friend. By that time, we had already moved away. We send one another a Christmas card every year and that is the extent of our friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

It goes both ways. What support did OP offer to her ILs when they were having difficulties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious how quickly DCUM always is to pile on the infertile. Most posts include at least some questioning of the OP, but any time the perceived offender is dealing with infertility, it's just a big old game of pile on.

I, personally, think OP is exaggerating and just looking for DCUM to trash her inlaws. You all went right for it! (Lemmings...) I'll bet if you asked the SIL and BIL, they would have a very different view of what actually happened over the last four years. I highly, highly doubt they "never" once asked about the OP's little snowflake, though they may not have done so enough for OP's taste or in the manner she thought suitable.

Tell me, OP, if your inlaws suffered from infertility for the past five years, what (if anything) did you do to support them in it? Did you send cards or flowers when they had their transfers? When they got their BFNs, did you call or write to tell them how sorry you were? Did you offer help or provide assistance after the surgeries? Do you remember the dates of any miscarriages, and do you recognize their loss each year? And with respect to your child, did you ever ask them how they felt about talking about your child? Did ask them if they'd like to share in her life, and if so, how and on what terms? Did you make it possible for them to be involved in ways that are less painful? Did you look for productive ways to discuss their journey with them, or did you say things like "why don't you just adopt?" Or, "if it was meant to be..." and "just stop trying and it'll happen!" Has anything like this ever passed your lips? Did you apologize?

Here's the deal. We've been struggling with infertility for way longer than five years, and I am very involved in some of friends'/families' kids lives, and not at all in others. And by "involved," I mean we are Godparents and even, in a couple cases, temporary legal guardians (in case of emergency). I have hosted more than my share of baby showers. Which, unless you're completely lacking in sense, you must understand can be an especially hard challenge for the infertile. I've even done it while in cycle!

Then there are other children we know, who we barely acknowledge at all - no holidays, birthdays, etc. Now, I'm sure some of the folks in the "not at all" category like to tell themselves that the reason we're not involved is because of our infertility. (Selfish *ssholes that we are!) And I can absolutely see one of them posting a thread like this one. In truth, it's because through almost a decade of dealing with infertility, we've learned to avoid the topic of children with people who lack tack and compassion, or who insist that we see their kids only on their terms. (Holidays are hard, for example, but we can manage a Sunday brunch. I might not always ask about your kid on the phone, but I might "like" the cute FB pictures.) Worse still though, are those folks who insist on us behaving as if we weren't dealing with a massive existential crisis and deeply physical and emotionally painful, financially devastating, ongoing medical condition.

You might start, OP, by telling your inlaws that now that you are dealing with secondary infertility, you've gained new insight into their journey, and how hard it must have been. You can apologize if you ever said anything that made it worse, and tell them that you are very sad (and have been for years) that they haven't been more of a regular feature in your daughter's life. You can tell them you would like this to change, but understand that it can be very hard and that you are willing to do it entirely on their terms.

+1 And thank you for posting this.

+2 well said.

Also, it doesn't sound like OP even wants a relationship at all, even leaving aside the issues between SIL/BIL and her kid. So...I think she's just looking for permission to be pissed off at them. I think it would show immaturity and petulance to be annoyed with these family members at this point. They're finally doing what she says she's been wanting all along and now she wants to act like a brat. Get over it. Or don't, but don't look for a new reason to be mad at them. If you don't like them, you don't like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

It goes both ways. What support did OP offer to her ILs when they were having difficulties?

Not PP, it doesn't exactly go both ways. There is no one right way to support an infertile couple. I don't know what OP did to express support. But there is an accepted standard to ask about family members and how they are doing and OP's in-laws clearly didn't do that.

[Anonymous]

I doubt there was much sharing by the SIL about what exactly was happening with the treatments and such. I know we didn't tell anyone when we were going through our IUIs after 3 years of secondary infertility.

I mean, do people actually broadcast to the entire family and all their friends exactly when they are going to be having a procedure done?

And if they were being so standoffish, I doubt there was a lot of chance for OP to be super supportive or whatever the hell people expected HER to do.

I get that IF sucks and is a mindfuck. But it really does not give anyone a get out of jail free card for YEARS of being a horrible person. It just doesn't. Sometimes, you need to suck it up and be a grown up, too, no matter how much it might hurt on the inside. Behave like a normal human being for a couple hours, even if you have to force it and go home and cry for weeks afterward. But, demanding people walk on eggshells for you for years just doesn't fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

+1
You know why they did what they did. Do you want them to ask about your kid or don't you?

+1

Apparently they can't win with you unless they apologize to you for the way that you feel about the past four years.

Question for you, as someone who's gone through IF - did YOU ever ask how they were doing? How they were feeling? I doubt it. Infertility is lonely as fuck and no one ever thinks to ask how you are. They just ignore it like a huge elephant in the middle of the room. THAT hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't your dh ever bring up your daughter in all those phone conversations? Like, "i can't believe Karla took hr 1st steps today, Jane and i are baby proofing the house now." Or " Yea, after Larla's holiday prek party we'll be on our way to mom and dad's house so well get there by dinner".

OP here. He rarely mentioned our daughter to his sister/her husband in order to be sensitive to what they were going through. When he once in awhile did bring her up during their phone conversations, they didn't say anything. And yes, he would sit through an hour long phone conversation over and over listening to them go on and on about their latest whatever, but in order to be sensitive to what they were going through, didn't bring up our daughter's latest achievement/milestone, etc.

Did you ever think they were taking their cues from you? Infertililty feels like some dirty secret failure, and it's even worse when people ignore it, never ask how you are doing, edit what they will talk to you about, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't your dh ever bring up your daughter in all those phone conversations? Like, "i can't believe Karla took hr 1st steps today, Jane and i are baby proofing the house now." Or " Yea, after Larla's holiday prek party we'll be on our way to mom and dad's house so well get there by dinner".

OP here. He rarely mentioned our daughter to his sister/her husband in order to be sensitive to what they were going through. When he once in awhile did bring her up during their phone conversations, they didn't say anything. And yes, he would sit through an hour long phone conversation over and over listening to them go on and on about their latest whatever, but in order to be sensitive to what they were going through, didn't bring up our daughter's latest achievement/milestone, etc.

Well, good for your DH for being kind and understanding. You could take a page from him.

You seem really resentful, OP, and it's not good for you or for your family. You have no idea how much pain your SIL was in. You imagine that you would act differently because you are different from her - maybe you are more resilient. Maybe you have deeper emotional reserves. Maybe you have stronger friendships or better communication methods. Maybe your brain works differently or you are not prone to depression or maybe you are physically healthier. You don't know what she is going through or what she has suffered.

Here is what you know. She loves your husband enough to want to talk to him regularly. She loves your child enough to ask about her as soon as she has been able to do so. She is now pregnant and must be TERRIFIED of losing the pregnancy or the child. You have had a daughter for 4 years who has brought you joy and laughter and a love like you've never known. Can you not tap a bit of that love and let your heart widen a small bit and just accept that your SIL is now more able to love your daughter and be a part of your family in every respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

It goes both ways. What support did OP offer to her ILs when they were having difficulties?

Not PP, it doesn't exactly go both ways. There is no one right way to support an infertile couple. I don't know what OP did to express support. But there is an accepted standard to ask about family members and how they are doing and OP's in-laws clearly didn't do that.

There is. And there is an accepted standard of not putting your baby in someone's face constantly. OP sounds like her baby is the center of the universe and she can shame her ILs with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had fertility issues and still asked about friend's/family's children. It's no excuse to be an asshole.

This. I know we'll be in the minority here but as someone who also suffered from infertility, People need to get over themselves and learn to live in the real world. After 4 years, I would have no patience for this type of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really want to believe DCUM simply attracts a certain type of person with infertility. Because I refuse to believe that most people with infertility can't find happiness for others becoming parents. I had secondary infertility during a time when it seemed every other relative and friend under 45 was either expecting or adopting. I welcomed each new addition despite my longing and frustration.

This is staggeringly un-empathetic of you. (I speak as someone who has not battled infertility, but who can put myself in the shoes of someone who has.) Can you not see that secondary infertility is EXPONENTIALLY less painful than primary infertility? You HAVE a child. These IL's were faced with the reality of no child and the possibility of never having a child.

And, yes, some people with primary infertility are able to "welcome each new addition" as you claim you have. But can you not understand that different people have different levels of emotional reserves? Different childhoods and support systems and ability to cope with heartbreak and loss? Can you not imagine that differing circumstances in terms of supportiveness of spouse, extended family, strength of friendships, degree of other physical ailments or depression, etc. would mean that some people in the world might cope differently than you?

[Anonymous]

OP, here's the thing. Your daughter is FOUR. The chances she will remember any of this are basically NIL.

So, what your daughter will remember from this year forward is either her Auntie Sue and Uncle John who love her and who have a cute little baby who she adores and can't wait to see a few times a year, or that aunt and uncle who she never sees and a cousin who she barely knows.

You don't have to be best buddies with your SIL to have a strong, warm relationship between your families.

What's past is past. It has not hurt your daughter in ANY way. It has miffed and insulted you. I would suggest you work on your own compassion and empathy, and maybe suggest that you hide your SIL's feed on FB b/c you sound a little jealous and easily ignored by her. If you don't see her annoying pictures and posts, maybe you wouldn't read so much negative interpretation into her life.

You are lucky to have a wonderful daughter. She is lucky to maybe have a new cousin in her life and to now have an uncle and aunt who can be part of her life in a way they weren't able to be until now. What wonderful news. If you let it be and don't be eaten up by resentment.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely feel upset that they had never asked about my child before. I understand that infertility is difficult, and that they may not want to be super involved with their niece, but basic decency and acknowledging a member of the family is a must for me. That being said, I would be polite and cordial and ask about their child nevertheless, because they are family, and to me, it is important to maintain a decent relationship with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I may be flamed for my opinion but I believe that there is a minority of people suffering from infertility issues who are much too self-protective and thus become extremely rude. It's part of the whole "it's all about me" modern condition, and is akin to parents bending every social rule to cater to their children, and also similar to some patients with chronic illnesses who develop a very navel-gazing view of the world (ask me how I know). Infertility is a medical condition with serious psychological and social consequences, but it should never be used as an excuse to ignore and resent innocent children. Your SIL and BIL were this way for 4 years.

I would cautiously welcome their advances, in the hope that they are perhaps trying to right the balance. It will take years to find out if they truly want a relationship with your child, and not just a companion for their own. Politeness is required on your part, but not immediate trust. That will come later, and depends on their actions.

Note that they will probably become as rabidly pro-child as they were anti-child before, so brace yourself! Everything will now revolve around their kid

You sound like an idiot. Truly. Insufferable.

Well, I happen to agree with the first post. I get self-preservation. We all have our demons. But, you don't get to hide behind that and be a jerk. I'd support them, and welcome the child lovingly, but I would not fall into a happy family postcard just b/c they've decided they now want it. Sorry, no. Be polite and civil and see what happens over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

It goes both ways. What support did OP offer to her ILs when they were having difficulties?

Not PP, it doesn't exactly go both ways. There is no one right way to support an infertile couple. I don't know what OP did to express support. But there is an accepted standard to ask about family members and how they are doing and OP's in-laws clearly didn't do that.

There is. And there is an accepted standard of not putting your baby in someone's face constantly. OP sounds like her baby is the center of the universe and she can shame her ILs with it.

She doesn't sound that way at all. You might be projecting someone you know onto her.