Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

[Anonymous]

My husband's sister and her husband had a 5 year infertility struggle. In that 5 years they did tons of IVF, etc. and nothing worked, all their IVFs failed. The woman had multiple laprascopic surgeries yet nothing worked. It was very sad. They were in the 37-42 age range at the time.

They live in another state and we usually see them once a year.

Here is what bothers me. During that time they were dealing with infertility, we had a child. Child is now 4. In all the time they were struggling with infertility they never once asked about our child on the phone/email. For example if DH's sister called him she would have a normal conversation, ask about our pets even, but never once asked about our daughter in four years. They would have a normal, 30 minute or hour long conversation conversation and she would never once ask about her. Same with BIL. Similarly, they ignored our daughter's birthdays and at holiday time. When we would visit (once a year) they ignored our daughter, often making other plans during the visit (such as visiting friends during our three day once a year stay). I assume so they did that so they would spend as little time with us and wouldn't have to interact with her. I understand that infertility is a very painful journey (we are going through it right now for baby #2 but haven't shared our infertility journey with them) but I would never dream of acting like this. It really hurt my feelings that they never once showed interest in our daughter--simply by asking, how is your daughter doing? That would have been perfectly fine. But they never once did.

Anyhow, our daughter is now 4. This ignoring her has gone on for 4 years.

A month ago they announced they are pregnant, a natural pregnancy after over 5 long years of failed infertility treatments. The way they announced the pregnancy was through a phone call starting out with asking about our daughter--lots of questions/showing lots of interest which they never once did before. It really annoyed both DH and I.

Ever since the pregnancy announcement, same thing--each phone call starts with asking about our daughter.

DH and I are annoyed. I'm not sure how to feel about this sudden interest after years of being completely ignored.

I'm of course thrilled for their pregnancy but I also don't feel particularly warmly toward them because of how they have treated us in the last 4 years.

How would you feel?

[Anonymous]

I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

+1
You know why they did what they did. Do you want them to ask about your kid or don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

+1
You know why they did what they did. Do you want them to ask about your kid or don't you?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

Agree with this. I broke up with a good mom friend (our older children were buddies) who lost a child at the same time I was pregnant with my second DC. We continued to get together for a couple years after my child was born until confessed to my husband that she could barely stand the sight of our younger son as it reminded her of her lost child.

I was upset and sad and let the friendship die.

Obviously you can't do that with family -- but the pain is real and everyone is doing the best they can. Accept the olive branch now and your daughter is young enough not to remember that they were distant for the first few years of her life.

[Anonymous]

They were dealing with an immense amount of pain. And probably had very little left over emotional bandwidth to be 'polite' and ask about your DD. Yes, it wasn't nice. And Yes, you have every right to be annoyed. And you can hold on to that anger and punish them for treating you and your DD this way. Or you can be compassionate and understanding and realize they were doing the best they could during a really horrible time in their life.

[Anonymous]

Relationships expand and constrict all of the time, especially family relationships. They've always loved your daughter, even when they were unable to act on that love. Please move forward with a new understanding and open heart.

[Anonymous]

I would be very very supportive. You have no idea what they have gone through if you are comparing it to your struggle to have #2. Not to be cold, but at least you have a child. You have no idea the pain for them (or for many of us that tried for years at a huge expense). A little empathy goes a long way. It was probably also very hard to relate to you as they were in a very different stage of life (including morning what they missed out on).

[Anonymous]

They have not acknowledged your daughter's existence for four years so ask yourself why you are both SO angry now. I think it is at least in part because you and DH are dealing with secondary infertility and she is pregnant. Don't assume to know how you would have acted in their shoes because you have no idea. Secondary infertility is very different from primary and it sounds like they went through hell so you really cannot compare the two. Try to have some empathy and focus on the fact that your daughter will have a new cousin.

[Anonymous]

For the most part people do the best they can. They suffered terribly; thank goodness it had a happy ending. Be glad for them and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you are annoyed but just know that their actions come from self preservation in the midst of terrible pain. Learn to forgive and move forward.

Agree with this. I broke up with a good mom friend (our older children were buddies) who lost a child at the same time I was pregnant with my second DC. We continued to get together for a couple years after my child was born until confessed to my husband that she could barely stand the sight of our younger son as it reminded her of her lost child.

I was upset and sad and let the friendship die.

Obviously you can't do that with family -- but the pain is real and everyone is doing the best they can. Accept the olive branch now and your daughter is young enough not to remember that they were distant for the first few years of her life.

That's crappy. Why not be supportive and just get together without the kids?

[Anonymous]

I may be flamed for my opinion but I believe that there is a minority of people suffering from infertility issues who are much too self-protective and thus become extremely rude. It's part of the whole "it's all about me" modern condition, and is akin to parents bending every social rule to cater to their children, and also similar to some patients with chronic illnesses who develop a very navel-gazing view of the world (ask me how I know). Infertility is a medical condition with serious psychological and social consequences, but it should never be used as an excuse to ignore and resent innocent children. Your SIL and BIL were this way for 4 years.

I would cautiously welcome their advances, in the hope that they are perhaps trying to right the balance. It will take years to find out if they truly want a relationship with your child, and not just a companion for their own. Politeness is required on your part, but not immediate trust. That will come later, and depends on their actions.

Note that they will probably become as rabidly pro-child as they were anti-child before, so brace yourself! Everything will now revolve around their kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I may be flamed for my opinion but I believe that there is a minority of people suffering from infertility issues who are much too self-protective and thus become extremely rude. It's part of the whole "it's all about me" modern condition, and is akin to parents bending every social rule to cater to their children, and also similar to some patients with chronic illnesses who develop a very navel-gazing view of the world (ask me how I know). Infertility is a medical condition with serious psychological and social consequences, but it should never be used as an excuse to ignore and resent innocent children. Your SIL and BIL were this way for 4 years.

I would cautiously welcome their advances, in the hope that they are perhaps trying to right the balance. It will take years to find out if they truly want a relationship with your child, and not just a companion for their own. Politeness is required on your part, but not immediate trust. That will come later, and depends on their actions.

Note that they will probably become as rabidly pro-child as they were anti-child before, so brace yourself! Everything will now revolve around their kid

You sound like an idiot. Truly. Insufferable.

[Anonymous]

I had fertility issues and still asked about friend's/family's children. It's no excuse to be an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Did they behave great? No. Are they decent people who did the best they could in very tough circumstances? Sounds like yes. Both things can be true.

I understand why you're annoyed but they're family. Let it go and move on.