Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have not acknowledged your daughter's existence for four years so ask yourself why you are both SO angry now. I think it is at least in part because you and DH are dealing with secondary infertility and she is pregnant. Don't assume to know how you would have acted in their shoes because you have no idea. Secondary infertility is very different from primary and it sounds like they went through hell so you really cannot compare the two. Try to have some empathy and focus on the fact that your daughter will have a new cousin.

+10000000000000000000000000
And I say this as someone who has dealt with secondary infertility, multiple pregnancy losses and NEVER had any other kids.
It is best we remember that someone else's pain is not about us, should not be about us and that we all get into spots when we want someone to remember this about when we are the ones in pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

It goes both ways. What support did OP offer to her ILs when they were having difficulties?

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I have a a child, yet don't really care about your special snowflake, OP. Get over yourself. Your in-laws will be better off without you anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should OP be happy and thankful that SIL decided to act like a decent person only now that she's gotten what she wanted?

Because she's compassionate enough to understand that her ILs have gone through a painful period in their life and they are fortunately ready to move on?

Because forgiveness and optimism makes for a happier life than resentment and pessimism.

Because if we ended every relationship once something went wrong we'd have no relationships at all.

Because although the in laws handled it poorly, it sounds like OP's DH compounded the problem.

Because friendliness is more fun than drama.

Because the children took no part in this situation and would enjoy having a cousin.

Because this isn't middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand why you are upset OP.

I can also understand why your relatives had to put up a firewall regarding children.

I think the question here is whether or not you want the children to be close. If you do then you need to let go of the anger. Just let it go. Accept the overtures being made now. Try to accept them in the spirit of people finally being able to talk happily about other's kids, now that they may actually become parents themselves. Try to view that first lengthy call and chat about your child as an overture by them - a LONG time spent talking about your child, before delivering their news. That doesn't sound accidental to me - it sounds like a couple saying "You know, when we call Jane and Bill I want to make a point about asking about X at length. We haven't been able to even handle the topic so it's just the decent thing to do now that we are pregnant. We may need to do some work there to repair that relationship..."

Give them the benefit of the doubt. Remember that every pregnancy doesn't necessarily result in a happy birth and hope desperately for them that theirs does. Rejoice in a new baby, and a cousin for your child, and relatives who are in a much happier place that might allow for a real relationship now.

Take the high road. Let go of your anger. Be the bigger person. You had the infinitely easier path to parenthood and were spared the pain they went through. Perhaps some time in the future you will face your own struggle and will need to put up a wall around some subject matter yourself.

Just try to let it go and focus on what you want for the kids in 5,10,20 years.

See, I don't get why it's not okay for OP (or rather her DH) to have a conversation about it rather than pretending like nothing happened. That's not the way to a healthy relationship. It doesn't kill anyone to acknowledge that there's hurt on both sides and that they would like to move forward with a relationship. It's completely unhealthy to pretend that hurt feelings never occurred in a relationship...it just ends up making it more superficial. Having been through an IF struggle similar to the SILs, I can say that it's very easy to get self-centered on your pain during that time. It might be what's needed to survive, but it doesn't mean that you didn't hurt anyone's feeling while you were doing your surviving. It would be very nice and caring of OP and her DH to open themselves up to SIL again, but that doesn't mean they have to be doormats. No one person's pain gives them the right to hurt everyone else, even if the slight isn't as great as the pain they may be feeling. Again, maybe that's what they have to do to survive, but that doesn't mean they never have to apologize or even acknowledge their past slights.

[Anonymous]

I think I would have had a hard time keeping my sarcastic side locked away when she called all chatty about the daughter she wouldn't even acknowledge at family parties for years.

That's really part that is sticking with me. Wouldn't even be in the room with her.

[Anonymous]

They have overcome their pain and are trying to make up for actions they probably regret (their own pain overshadowing their desire to have a relationship with your kid). What would you prefer they do? Continue to ignore your kid? You're coming off petty here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:F U, OP. So self-centered.

What, whose self-centered?

Did you mean "who's?"

OP. Whining that ILs didn't dote over her snowflake when they were clearly going through a very, very difficult time.

Yeah, thought you were delusional. The SIL who thought her infertility justified ignoring her niece's existence for four years is clearly the self-centered one. The fact that she just thinks she can just jump right back into being an aunt now that her life is now back "on plan" just makes it worse.

Oh ok. So you are an asshole too. Just admit that you have no idea what's it's like to go through the IF wringer for FIVE years.

Be thankful that the ILs just distanced OP instead of other options.

What are the other options?

If OP wants a relationship going forward, the door is open. She can either try to be understanding and compassionate or be an asshole and make a big deal about her IL's coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

^^ sorry that was supposed to say What are the other options? in response to quoted pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have overcome their pain and are trying to make up for actions they probably regret (their own pain overshadowing their desire to have a relationship with your kid). What would you prefer they do? Continue to ignore your kid? You're coming off petty here.

How are they making up for anything? They haven't even acknowledged how they behaved before. They just jumped in like nothing ever happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand why you are upset OP.

I can also understand why your relatives had to put up a firewall regarding children.

I think the question here is whether or not you want the children to be close. If you do then you need to let go of the anger. Just let it go. Accept the overtures being made now. Try to accept them in the spirit of people finally being able to talk happily about other's kids, now that they may actually become parents themselves. Try to view that first lengthy call and chat about your child as an overture by them - a LONG time spent talking about your child, before delivering their news. That doesn't sound accidental to me - it sounds like a couple saying "You know, when we call Jane and Bill I want to make a point about asking about X at length. We haven't been able to even handle the topic so it's just the decent thing to do now that we are pregnant. We may need to do some work there to repair that relationship..."

Give them the benefit of the doubt. Remember that every pregnancy doesn't necessarily result in a happy birth and hope desperately for them that theirs does. Rejoice in a new baby, and a cousin for your child, and relatives who are in a much happier place that might allow for a real relationship now.

Take the high road. Let go of your anger. Be the bigger person. You had the infinitely easier path to parenthood and were spared the pain they went through. Perhaps some time in the future you will face your own struggle and will need to put up a wall around some subject matter yourself.

Just try to let it go and focus on what you want for the kids in 5,10,20 years.

See, I don't get why it's not okay for OP (or rather her DH) to have a conversation about it rather than pretending like nothing happened. That's not the way to a healthy relationship. It doesn't kill anyone to acknowledge that there's hurt on both sides and that they would like to move forward with a relationship. It's completely unhealthy to pretend that hurt feelings never occurred in a relationship...it just ends up making it more superficial. Having been through an IF struggle similar to the SILs, I can say that it's very easy to get self-centered on your pain during that time. It might be what's needed to survive, but it doesn't mean that you didn't hurt anyone's feeling while you were doing your surviving. It would be very nice and caring of OP and her DH to open themselves up to SIL again, but that doesn't mean they have to be doormats. No one person's pain gives them the right to hurt everyone else, even if the slight isn't as great as the pain they may be feeling. Again, maybe that's what they have to do to survive, but that doesn't mean they never have to apologize or even acknowledge their past slights.

I couldn't agree more.

[Anonymous]

Wow, the IF apologists were out in full force today. Not denying that infertility may be incrediblely painful, but failing to acknowledge the existence of niece for FOUR YEARS is not defensible. Those who argue it is are just as self absorbed as The sister in law here. Those trying to blame this on op or her dh are beyond ridiculous.

And anyone who says waiting to late 30's to try to conceive is a good idea should read this thread and see the toll it takes on people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have overcome their pain and are trying to make up for actions they probably regret (their own pain overshadowing their desire to have a relationship with your kid). What would you prefer they do? Continue to ignore your kid? You're coming off petty here.

How are they making up for anything? They haven't even acknowledged how they behaved before. They just jumped in like nothing ever happened.

I think they're hoping OP will understand. Theyre making up for missing the early part of her life by trying to be involved now. Sad, but what are the options? Either move forward and have relationships with the existing and future children, or make a huge situation of how they acted in the past. I agree it wasn't perfect, but I think the answer is obvious. Either you forgive and try to forget, or you don't. Maybe in the future they will acknowledge. But I think it's obvious they are trying now, for whatever reason, and OP can either be the bigger person or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ sorry that was supposed to say What are the other options? in response to quoted pp.

Breaking down in tears in front of the kid.

Cutting off the ILs altogether. The whole family.

Having a major breakdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ sorry that was supposed to say What are the other options? in response to quoted pp.

Breaking down in tears in front of the kid.

Cutting off the ILs altogether. The whole family.

Having a major breakdown.

Other options, include having a relationship with the niece and showing some degree of maturity.