Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the IF apologists were out in full force today. Not denying that infertility may be incrediblely painful, but failing to acknowledge the existence of niece for FOUR YEARS is not defensible. Those who argue it is are just as self absorbed as The sister in law here. Those trying to blame this on op or her dh are beyond ridiculous.

And anyone who says waiting to late 30's to try to conceive is a good idea should read this thread and see the toll it takes on people.

I think many of us are saying that although it was hurtful to OP, it is now time to move on. At this point, the past is the past. SIL has changed her behavior; is that not what op wanted? I think it's ok for op to bring it up, and hopefully SIL will apologize. But I don't think it's ok for op to go at her SIL with guns blazing. It's still appropriate to be sensitive. The biggest thing to acknowledge here is that SIL changed the hurtful behavior. These people have decades in front of them to spend together. OP should take the high road.

Being shitty anytime things are not perfect is not rectified by behaving well when things are perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's the thing. Your daughter is FOUR. The chances she will remember any of this are basically NIL.

So, what your daughter will remember from this year forward is either her Auntie Sue and Uncle John who love her and who have a cute little baby who she adores and can't wait to see a few times a year, or that aunt and uncle who she never sees and a cousin who she barely knows.

You don't have to be best buddies with your SIL to have a strong, warm relationship between your families.

OP here. Thank you for your comments. The comments about how great the cousin relationship could be in the future if we decide to forgive and forget really resonated with me. Although I am annoyed and hurt by my SIL and BIL's actions, I feel like the more important issue is that my daughter get to know her only cousin and that they have a good relationship. Both DH and I have very small and non-local families, and they are our closest kin in terms of distance (everyone else lives much farther away). And the fact that their baby will be our daughter's only cousin. So I feel like the cousin relationship is the most important issue here, despite how upset DH and I feel about the way we were treated. I want my daughter to feel like she has a relationship with extended family, and a strong bond with extended family, and I think I can put aside how we were treated in order to nurture that bond.

I think back to my own extended family, and how one of my uncles was shunned from the family for over 40 years for some petty reason, and I never got to know his three kids (my first cousins) until the last few years when he decided to let the past stay in the past and reconnect with the family. It would have been wonderful to know these cousins when I was growing up.

Also, just wanted to clarify that SIL and BIL never shared any details of their infertility struggles with us. We learned what they were going through only through DH's mother. So we never really felt comfortable bringing anything up with them about their infertility procedures, treatments, etc. as MIL wasn't even supposed to share those things with us (but she is a blabbermouth). They didn't even share that much of what they went through with her, they wanted to keep it to themselves, I guess. Similarly, we have not shared anything with them (or MIL) about our secondary infertility issues. They don't even know that we have infertility, or that we've been TTC for a year now with no pregnancy. They also don't know that we got pregnant with our daughter after just one month of trying (when we announced our pregnancy to the family they asked specifically about "how long" it took, but we just brushed that off and did not tell them, out of respect for what they were going through.

Thank you for all your comments, this thread has been great for thinking about the issue in different ways.

PP again we must have posted at the same time.

Good for you! I hope it works out. Consider also they may have been hurt by your lack of support for them it might be worth to have a conversation with them, maybe between DH and his sister if they have that kind of relationship.


We've had a similar situation in my family were a cousin of mine lost several children during a time where the rest of us were having kid after kid he and his wife kind of dropped off the face of the earth. My sister took it personally, they grew up together and she thought he would be making over her kids ( she's a bit stuck on herself but that's a different thread) and was really put off that he didn't really gush over her kids. My sister being my sister threw a tantrum causing my uncle to ream his son, which forced my cousin and his wife to share things they didn't want to share. It cleared the air, but wasn't the best of circumstances.

All that to say if you can forgive and move on great, but a gentle conversation may be good for the future. Good luck with everything!

[Anonymous]

OP has come back and said she is going to forgive and move forward. Even though I think their behavior was shitty, I think OP is doing the right thing.

Best of luck to your family, OP. I hope that someday they will admit to their crappy behavior and apologize, but I wouldn't hold my breath. You don't have to be best friends.

My child only sees her first cousins a couple times a year when we travel to them (thousands of dollars in airfare each time). Oh, and on skype calls. But that is only because they live at my ILs house - we'd likely never see them otherwise. Both their parents are complete loser flakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ sorry that was supposed to say What are the other options? in response to quoted pp.

Breaking down in tears in front of the kid.

Cutting off the ILs altogether. The whole family.

Having a major breakdown.

Other options, include having a relationship with the niece and showing some degree of maturity.

Yup - that'd be ideal if they had the emotional capability to do that. Doesn't sound like it though.

They're going to be in for a real emotional roller coaster when they have that baby, then, if they're that emotionally unstable.

[Anonymous]

...Also, just wanted to clarify that SIL and BIL never shared any details of their infertility struggles with us. We learned what they were going through only through DH's mother. So we never really felt comfortable bringing anything up with them about their infertility procedures, treatments, etc. as MIL wasn't even supposed to share those things with us (but she is a blabbermouth). They didn't even share that much of what they went through with her, they wanted to keep it to themselves, I guess. Similarly, we have not shared anything with them (or MIL) about our secondary infertility issues. They don't even know that we have infertility, or that we've been TTC for a year now with no pregnancy. They also don't know that we got pregnant with our daughter after just one month of trying (when we announced our pregnancy to the family they asked specifically about "how long" it took, but we just brushed that off and did not tell them, out of respect for what they were going through.

The more OP says about this relationship, the more I think they barely know each other and share very little. But the OP is quick with her judgments. I do not think I would share something so emotionally upsetting as IF struggles with her. She is getting all of her info from MIL -- so she really has no idea what they are actually going through.

[Anonymous]

I would be annoyed also OP.

As far as the idea that since these kids are cousins and so you need to encourage the relationship? A four year (or more) age difference is huge for little kids. HUGE. Your DD is blissfully ignorant of the snub her aunt and uncle have given her. So, by all means let a normal, once or twice a year visit/relationship develop but don't assume that your kid and theirs need to be best buddies or something.

If your DH wants them at his party then they should be there.

Let bygones be bygones. Forgive but don't forget. I'd never feel totally enthusiastic about these relatives but it's not like they were actively mean to your child. Just unable to interact with her because of their own (selfish) reasons.

[Anonymous]

again, it doesn't sound like the SIL has provided many chances for OP to even foster any relationship with her. I think those who think she should have "been supportive" are a bit cuckoo. She knew something she wasn't supposed to because of MIL....and then SIL basically cut OP and her child out entirely to "protect herself." When exactly was she supposed to show support? Do you want her to mail a card acknowledging she knew a secret she wasn't supposed to? That's not smart.

I think some of you are projecting your own hurt feelings/bitterness/whathaveyou onto OP.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you tell them? They sound like jerk who will compare their lives to yours for everything. They were infertile in their late 30s/early 40s. Their choice.

[Anonymous]

... the other day my SIL called me and asked me how preschool admissions went since my DS is 2 years older. I am extremely angry with her because she has not asked about my DS since he was born 6 years ago. I told her to handle it by herself! Of course I have not been following her DS progress through life, either. But still! I heard from MIL that SILs son is some kind of genius, so I guess he can manage by himself. I hate people like that, don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's the thing. Your daughter is FOUR. The chances she will remember any of this are basically NIL.

So, what your daughter will remember from this year forward is either her Auntie Sue and Uncle John who love her and who have a cute little baby who she adores and can't wait to see a few times a year, or that aunt and uncle who she never sees and a cousin who she barely knows.

You don't have to be best buddies with your SIL to have a strong, warm relationship between your families.

OP here. Thank you for your comments. The comments about how great the cousin relationship could be in the future if we decide to forgive and forget really resonated with me. Although I am annoyed and hurt by my SIL and BIL's actions, I feel like the more important issue is that my daughter get to know her only cousin and that they have a good relationship. Both DH and I have very small and non-local families, and they are our closest kin in terms of distance (everyone else lives much farther away). And the fact that their baby will be our daughter's only cousin. So I feel like the cousin relationship is the most important issue here, despite how upset DH and I feel about the way we were treated. I want my daughter to feel like she has a relationship with extended family, and a strong bond with extended family, and I think I can put aside how we were treated in order to nurture that bond.

I think back to my own extended family, and how one of my uncles was shunned from the family for over 40 years for some petty reason, and I never got to know his three kids (my first cousins) until the last few years when he decided to let the past stay in the past and reconnect with the family. It would have been wonderful to know these cousins when I was growing up.

Also, just wanted to clarify that SIL and BIL never shared any details of their infertility struggles with us. We learned what they were going through only through DH's mother. So we never really felt comfortable bringing anything up with them about their infertility procedures, treatments, etc. as MIL wasn't even supposed to share those things with us (but she is a blabbermouth). They didn't even share that much of what they went through with her, they wanted to keep it to themselves, I guess. Similarly, we have not shared anything with them (or MIL) about our secondary infertility issues. They don't even know that we have infertility, or that we've been TTC for a year now with no pregnancy. They also don't know that we got pregnant with our daughter after just one month of trying (when we announced our pregnancy to the family they asked specifically about "how long" it took, but we just brushed that off and did not tell them, out of respect for what they were going through.

Thank you for all your comments, this thread has been great for thinking about the issue in different ways.

PP again we must have posted at the same time.

Good for you! I hope it works out. Consider also they may have been hurt by your lack of support for them it might be worth to have a conversation with them, maybe between DH and his sister if they have that kind of relationship.


We've had a similar situation in my family were a cousin of mine lost several children during a time where the rest of us were having kid after kid he and his wife kind of dropped off the face of the earth. My sister took it personally, they grew up together and she thought he would be making over her kids ( she's a bit stuck on herself but that's a different thread) and was really put off that he didn't really gush over her kids. My sister being my sister threw a tantrum causing my uncle to ream his son, which forced my cousin and his wife to share things they didn't want to share. It cleared the air, but wasn't the best of circumstances.

All that to say if you can forgive and move on great, but a gentle conversation may be good for the future. Good luck with everything!

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be annoyed also OP.

As far as the idea that since these kids are cousins and so you need to encourage the relationship? A four year (or more) age difference is huge for little kids. HUGE. Your DD is blissfully ignorant of the snub her aunt and uncle have given her. So, by all means let a normal, once or twice a year visit/relationship develop but don't assume that your kid and theirs need to be best buddies or something.

If your DH wants them at his party then they should be there.

Let bygones be bygones. Forgive but don't forget. I'd never feel totally enthusiastic about these relatives but it's not like they were actively mean to your child. Just unable to interact with her because of their own (selfish) reasons.

I disagree--my daughter's cousin is almost four years older, and they adore each other. That doesn't mean that we see her all the time, but it does mean that the cousin relationship can be very meaningful. I can't stand my SIL (and my BIL totally enables her), but since the girls love each other, I suck it up and spend more time with them than I would like. And it's worth it to see the cousins having a wonderful time together. So, I wouldn't necessarily forget the ILs' behavior, which was crappy even if understandable, but I would keep that to myself for the sake of the kiddos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

...Also, just wanted to clarify that SIL and BIL never shared any details of their infertility struggles with us. We learned what they were going through only through DH's mother. So we never really felt comfortable bringing anything up with them about their infertility procedures, treatments, etc. as MIL wasn't even supposed to share those things with us (but she is a blabbermouth). They didn't even share that much of what they went through with her, they wanted to keep it to themselves, I guess. Similarly, we have not shared anything with them (or MIL) about our secondary infertility issues. They don't even know that we have infertility, or that we've been TTC for a year now with no pregnancy. They also don't know that we got pregnant with our daughter after just one month of trying (when we announced our pregnancy to the family they asked specifically about "how long" it took, but we just brushed that off and did not tell them, out of respect for what they were going through.

The more OP says about this relationship, the more I think they barely know each other and share very little. But the OP is quick with her judgments. I do not think I would share something so emotionally upsetting as IF struggles with her. She is getting all of her info from MIL -- so she really has no idea what they are actually going through.

SIL knows her brother well enough to call and speak to him for an hour at a time. She knows them well enough to ask how his daughter is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:again, it doesn't sound like the SIL has provided many chances for OP to even foster any relationship with her. I think those who think she should have "been supportive" are a bit cuckoo. She knew something she wasn't supposed to because of MIL....and then SIL basically cut OP and her child out entirely to "protect herself." When exactly was she supposed to show support? Do you want her to mail a card acknowledging she knew a secret she wasn't supposed to? That's not smart.

I think some of you are projecting your own hurt feelings/bitterness/whathaveyou onto OP.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

It goes both ways. What support did OP offer to her ILs when they were having difficulties?

Not PP, it doesn't exactly go both ways. There is no one right way to support an infertile couple. I don't know what OP did to express support. But there is an accepted standard to ask about family members and how they are doing and OP's in-laws clearly didn't do that.

+1

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

It goes both ways. What support did OP offer to her ILs when they were having difficulties?

Not PP, it doesn't exactly go both ways. There is no one right way to support an infertile couple. I don't know what OP did to express support. But there is an accepted standard to ask about family members and how they are doing and OP's in-laws clearly didn't do that.

There is. And there is an accepted standard of not putting your baby in someone's face constantly. OP sounds like her baby is the center of the universe and she can shame her ILs with it.

You can't be real.