Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They were dealing with an immense amount of pain. And probably had very little left over emotional bandwidth to be 'polite' and ask about your DD. Yes, it wasn't nice. And Yes, you have every right to be annoyed. And you can hold on to that anger and punish them for treating you and your DD this way. Or you can be compassionate and understanding and realize they were doing the best they could during a really horrible time in their life.

This is spot on.

Four years is a bit long for a the "horrible time in their life" excuse.

[Anonymous]

I get that they had to leave for "breaks" when you visited.
I get not attending your baby shower.
I get not being a close and doting aunt and uncle.
I get talking about other things on the phone besides your child.

But you are describing 4 years of actually pretending that your daughter doesn't exist.
Doesn't exist people! As in, not one mention of her in 4 years. No card on her birthday, no quick "how is DC" and then moving on. No click on Amazon to send a 2 second of effort Christmas gift.

That is over the top, IMO, and downright cruel to your daughter. She is a human being and their niece.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. The issue is can I move past the hurt in order to now start having a closer relationship with these in-laws and nurture a cousin relationship between the new cousins. In the past, we did not see them often and didn't have much of an in-person relationship with them--for example, we have never spent holidays with them, and quite frankly I don't think I want to spend holidays with them now, given how they treated us. But now that they will soon have a child and now that we have a child, and they are going to be the only cousins, I would imagine they will want to have a closer relationship so the cousins can get to know each other.

They live in Pittsburgh, so it's a drive but not so far that we couldn't get together with them a few times a year for milestone occasions/holidays. Their child will be our child's only cousin, so this relationship is an important one. But I do feel snubbed and what bothers me the most is that they announced their pregnancy with a lengthy conversation about how our daughter is doing (the very first time they ever asked about her). I think I'd feel less snubbed if they just announced their pregnancy in a normal way--not starting out the phone call with a 10 minute discussion of our daughter's preschool, etc. DH is the type to just brush issues like this under the rug and never deal with them, but that has ended up in him being the doormat in his family, which has always bothered me.

DH's 40th birthday is coming up in March, and he mentioned inviting them (his parents are coming in from out of state for the occasion, we're having a big party at home). I am hesitant about inviting them. Not sure what we will do.

[Anonymous]

I would be annoyed, OP. We all have our struggles in life. They failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that they had to leave for "breaks" when you visited.
I get not attending your baby shower.
I get not being a close and doting aunt and uncle.
I get talking about other things on the phone besides your child.

But you are describing 4 years of actually pretending that your daughter doesn't exist.
Doesn't exist people! As in, not one mention of her in 4 years. No card on her birthday, no quick "how is DC" and then moving on. No click on Amazon to send a 2 second of effort Christmas gift.

That is over the top, IMO, and downright cruel to your daughter. She is a human being and their niece.

I agree it is cruel to the parents, but at 4, the niece likely doesn't care. She doesn't even know them.

[Anonymous]

You are right to be annoyed OP. If your husband wants to invite them I wouldn't block it and I would be polite and appropriately welcoming, but I certainly wouldn't be all warm and fuzzy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't your dh ever bring up your daughter in all those phone conversations? Like, "i can't believe Karla took hr 1st steps today, Jane and i are baby proofing the house now." Or " Yea, after Larla's holiday prek party we'll be on our way to mom and dad's house so well get there by dinner".

OP here. He rarely mentioned our daughter to his sister/her husband in order to be sensitive to what they were going through. When he once in awhile did bring her up during their phone conversations, they didn't say anything. And yes, he would sit through an hour long phone conversation over and over listening to them go on and on about their latest whatever, but in order to be sensitive to what they were going through, didn't bring up our daughter's latest achievement/milestone, etc.

That's emotional hostage-taking on their behalf. I've suffered losses but am still decent enough to ask after children of friends and family. FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. The issue is can I move past the hurt in order to now start having a closer relationship with these in-laws and nurture a cousin relationship between the new cousins. In the past, we did not see them often and didn't have much of an in-person relationship with them--for example, we have never spent holidays with them, and quite frankly I don't think I want to spend holidays with them now, given how they treated us. But now that they will soon have a child and now that we have a child, and they are going to be the only cousins, I would imagine they will want to have a closer relationship so the cousins can get to know each other.

They live in Pittsburgh, so it's a drive but not so far that we couldn't get together with them a few times a year for milestone occasions/holidays. Their child will be our child's only cousin, so this relationship is an important one. But I do feel snubbed and what bothers me the most is that they announced their pregnancy with a lengthy conversation about how our daughter is doing (the very first time they ever asked about her). I think I'd feel less snubbed if they just announced their pregnancy in a normal way--not starting out the phone call with a 10 minute discussion of our daughter's preschool, etc. DH is the type to just brush issues like this under the rug and never deal with them, but that has ended up in him being the doormat in his family, which has always bothered me.

DH's 40th birthday is coming up in March, and he mentioned inviting them (his parents are coming in from out of state for the occasion, we're having a big party at home). I am hesitant about inviting them. Not sure what we will do.

It will be difficult, and uncomfortable, but all you can do is clear the air.

"I know the past five years have been really difficult for you both, and we're so glad you're pregnant and can't wait to welcome our new niece/ nephew. That said, I need to address the fact that for the duration of DC's life, you have ignored her. This has been hurtful to us and, by extension, to her."

Discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:F U, OP. So self-centered.

What, whose self-centered?

Did you mean "who's?"

OP. Whining that ILs didn't dote over her snowflake when they were clearly going through a very, very difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. The issue is can I move past the hurt in order to now start having a closer relationship with these in-laws and nurture a cousin relationship between the new cousins. In the past, we did not see them often and didn't have much of an in-person relationship with them--for example, we have never spent holidays with them, and quite frankly I don't think I want to spend holidays with them now, given how they treated us. But now that they will soon have a child and now that we have a child, and they are going to be the only cousins, I would imagine they will want to have a closer relationship so the cousins can get to know each other.

They live in Pittsburgh, so it's a drive but not so far that we couldn't get together with them a few times a year for milestone occasions/holidays. Their child will be our child's only cousin, so this relationship is an important one. But I do feel snubbed and what bothers me the most is that they announced their pregnancy with a lengthy conversation about how our daughter is doing (the very first time they ever asked about her). I think I'd feel less snubbed if they just announced their pregnancy in a normal way--not starting out the phone call with a 10 minute discussion of our daughter's preschool, etc. DH is the type to just brush issues like this under the rug and never deal with them, but that has ended up in him being the doormat in his family, which has always bothered me.

DH's 40th birthday is coming up in March, and he mentioned inviting them (his parents are coming in from out of state for the occasion, we're having a big party at home). I am hesitant about inviting them. Not sure what we will do.

OP, I get that this is the crux of the issue, and it's great that you are being honest about your feelings. FTR, our primary IF journey sounds similar to your SILs, and we also had secondary IF leading to my current pregnancy, so I do understand some of where she's coming from as well. If you read the IF forum even on DCUM, you'll see that there are a wide variety of reactions to IF, and there are a few people who really do completely cut out anything kid-related from their lives. But most of these people acknowledge the damage it causes to many of their lifelong adult relationships.

In this case, it sounds like your SIL needed to take a more extreme approach to cutting out kid-/baby-related stuff from her life, but she doesn't want to acknowledge the consequences it has had on an important adult relationship of hers (with her brother). Unfortunately, IF or not, life doesn't work that way. You and your DH are more than justified in feeling the way you do, and I honestly don't understand how you could move forward with rebuilding the relationship without acknowledging what has happened in the past. It doesn't have to be accusatory or telling them that they were wrong, just saying "You did X, and I've been feeling hurt since then." And giving them a chance to apologize and share their side. Who knows? Maybe they feel like you guys didn't acknowledge what they were going through in a way that resonated with them or whatever. As an anecdote, during our primary IF struggle, I told my sister (who had also suffered from IF in the form of repeated losses, no IVF) that I was probably about to have my second miscarriage based on low hormone levels. She never acknowledged or asked about it at all...and I became very distant from her for a while (this also coincided with the holidays and both of our birthdays). After a few months, she asked why I was so out of touch, and I told her I've been upset about her response to my miscarriage. Turns out she misunderstood me/didn't hear me (we'd done so many rounds of IVF at that point, I'm not even sure she knew we had been cycling), and basically had no idea I'd had a miscarriage. She was extremely upset on my behalf/apologetic, etc. My point is that my sister and I are very close, and even we had a major misunderstanding like this. It's very possible that there's hurt on both sides, but regardless, you do need to share your hurt before you can really feel good about this relationship (I think).

FWIW, given that this is likely to be your child's only cousin, and it does sound like DH and his sister have been close most of their lives, I think it's worth trying to salvage this relationship. It probably does need to come from your DH talking to your SIL, and you need to find a way to let him know that it's important to you that they resolve this in order to move on as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:F U, OP. So self-centered.

What, whose self-centered?

Did you mean "who's?"

OP. Whining that ILs didn't dote over her snowflake when they were clearly going through a very, very difficult time.

Yeah, thought you were delusional. The SIL who thought her infertility justified ignoring her niece's existence for four years is clearly the self-centered one. The fact that she just thinks she can just jump right back into being an aunt now that her life is now back "on plan" just makes it worse.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Only someone guilty of similar behavior would say this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Only someone guilty of similar behavior would say this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Only someone guilty of similar behavior would say this.

Not even close. I have a niece I'm super close with even when I struggled to get pregnant. I just completely understand where the SIL was coming from. Everyone copes differently.