Reply to Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Curious how quickly DCUM always is to pile on the infertile. Most posts include at least some questioning of the OP, but any time the perceived offender is dealing with infertility, it's just a big old game of pile on.

I, personally, think OP is exaggerating and just looking for DCUM to trash her inlaws. You all went right for it! (Lemmings...) I'll bet if you asked the SIL and BIL, they would have a very different view of what actually happened over the last four years. I highly, highly doubt they "never" once asked about the OP's little snowflake, though they may not have done so enough for OP's taste or in the manner she thought suitable.

Tell me, OP, if your inlaws suffered from infertility for the past five years, what (if anything) did you do to support them in it? Did you send cards or flowers when they had their transfers? When they got their BFNs, did you call or write to tell them how sorry you were? Did you offer help or provide assistance after the surgeries? Do you remember the dates of any miscarriages, and do you recognize their loss each year? And with respect to your child, did you ever ask them how they felt about talking about your child? Did ask them if they'd like to share in her life, and if so, how and on what terms? Did you make it possible for them to be involved in ways that are less painful? Did you look for productive ways to discuss their journey with them, or did you say things like "why don't you just adopt?" Or, "if it was meant to be..." and "just stop trying and it'll happen!" Has anything like this ever passed your lips? Did you apologize?

Here's the deal. We've been struggling with infertility for way longer than five years, and I am very involved in some of friends'/families' kids lives, and not at all in others. And by "involved," I mean we are Godparents and even, in a couple cases, temporary legal guardians (in case of emergency). I have hosted more than my share of baby showers. Which, unless you're completely lacking in sense, you must understand can be an especially hard challenge for the infertile. I've even done it while in cycle!

Then there are other children we know, who we barely acknowledge at all - no holidays, birthdays, etc. Now, I'm sure some of the folks in the "not at all" category like to tell themselves that the reason we're not involved is because of our infertility. (Selfish *ssholes that we are!) And I can absolutely see one of them posting a thread like this one. In truth, it's because through almost a decade of dealing with infertility, we've learned to avoid the topic of children with people who lack tack and compassion, or who insist that we see their kids only on their terms. (Holidays are hard, for example, but we can manage a Sunday brunch. I might not always ask about your kid on the phone, but I might "like" the cute FB pictures.) Worse still though, are those folks who insist on us behaving as if we weren't dealing with a massive existential crisis and deeply physical and emotionally painful, financially devastating, ongoing medical condition.

You might start, OP, by telling your inlaws that now that you are dealing with secondary infertility, you've gained new insight into their journey, and how hard it must have been. You can apologize if you ever said anything that made it worse, and tell them that you are very sad (and have been for years) that they haven't been more of a regular feature in your daughter's life. You can tell them you would like this to change, but understand that it can be very hard and that you are willing to do it entirely on their terms. [/quote]

+1 And thank you for posting this.[/quote]

+2 well said.

Also, it doesn't sound like OP even wants a relationship at all, even leaving aside the issues between SIL/BIL and her kid. So...I think she's just looking for permission to be pissed off at them. I think it would show immaturity and petulance to be annoyed with these family members at this point. They're finally doing what she says she's been wanting all along and now she wants to act like a brat. Get over it. Or don't, but don't look for a new reason to be mad at them. If you don't like them, you don't like them. [/quote]

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