Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

[Anonymous]

OP You have a choice -- to forgive or not to forgive. We went through 8 brutal years of infertility. We did not tell anyone all the things that happened. 6 miscarriages, some of multiples. Other health issues that complicated pregnancies. We knew that no one wanted to hear about it, so we did not discuss it. When we finally had a successful pregnancy, people said I thought you quit trying years ago! (No we quit talking about it) It was a financial disaster also. people thought we did not manage money well and had tons of different theories about that. Or that we had addiction problems (addicted to infertility treatments?) It was hard to be a "normal" person. We did the best we could.

We also had ILs with beautiful children. Every year they would send us pictures of their wonderful kids. I would cry every year when I saw their cards. OK I am a weak human being. That relationship never had a chance to flower. Their children were 10 and 12 when ours were born. If I could go back in time and make that relationship work, I would. But we missed those crucial years when their kids were adorable babies, toddlers, and preschoolers.

So if you want to have a relationship, you will have to forgive and rise above. It is your decision. No one can change what happened in the past. Your DD is only 4 and can be a big sister to her cousin. Or not.

[Anonymous]

Sounds awful being pregnant that old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds awful being pregnant that old

Sounds awful being an asshole.

[Anonymous]

PP with 8 years of infertility. Yes, it changed us forever. We did become over protective parents. Being 8-10 years "late" with our friends was no help either. Maybe you and your SIL are not meant to be close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't your dh ever bring up your daughter in all those phone conversations? Like, "i can't believe Karla took hr 1st steps today, Jane and i are baby proofing the house now." Or " Yea, after Larla's holiday prek party we'll be on our way to mom and dad's house so well get there by dinner".

OP here. He rarely mentioned our daughter to his sister/her husband in order to be sensitive to what they were going through. When he once in awhile did bring her up during their phone conversations, they didn't say anything. And yes, he would sit through an hour long phone conversation over and over listening to them go on and on about their latest whatever, but in order to be sensitive to what they were going through, didn't bring up our daughter's latest achievement/milestone, etc.

Despite your assertions, you don't seem very sensitive to their situation. At first, maybe they were in too much pain to ask about your DD but your DH's failure to include her in their discussions is his fault, not theirs. Maybe they didn't bring up your DD because your DH didn't talk about her. Maybe they thought your DH didn't bring her up because she had some challenges that he didn't want to talk about - as the parent of SN kids, I certainly know what that's like.

This isn't about your DD, it's about you. She has no idea who these people are. It sounds like you're put out because they weren't able to oooh and aaaah about your DD's 'latest achievement/milestone'. [/quote
But they didn't send birthday cards or gifts, no Christmas gift or card. Didn't acknowledge her at all. Left the house the one time they had to see her every year.
Come on now.
It's their only niece.

+100 I can practically picture OP now. It is her first special snowflake and by darn the world needs to acknowledge it! Those infertility ILs just need to get over themselves and start hearing about her achievements and sending presents. They have missed FOUR WHOLE YEARS of presents and conversation about the glorious one! Who is the navel gazer now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really like the idea that some posters had about making a statement similar to, "you've never asked about Jane before" and seeing what they say. I think that's a great idea, however I'm not sure if DH would actually be willing to say that--he always worried about "stirring stuff up" because he says it's better to let things be and be a doormat than to stir things up and have drama. I personally don't like his attitude about this but he has had this perspective for years and it's his family so I guess I have to defer to him on how he wants to handle things. For instance his mother has done some really hurtful things but when I ask if he will mention them to her/how much she hurt our feelings he always says he doesn't want to start drama and never brings them up, and then his mother just keeps repeating the same behaviors.

Regardless of how I feel about SIL/BIL's choice to ignore our daughter for 4 years, now we need to decide how much of a close relationship we want the cousins to have.

Their child is going to be our daughter's only cousin, so I feel like that's a really important relationship. Although we don't live close by, we could make the effort to get together for holidays and milestones. I guess part of the issue is we have nothing in common with them (other than being family and the fact that DH and his sister work in the same field). I don't enjoy spending time with them at all, I have always found them to be very superficial and overly concerned with appearances (SIL posts tons of staged photos of herself on Facebook, never of the husband, or photos of the two of them on their many exotic vacations, and waits for her adoring friends to like/comment).

Neither DH nor I have ever been an aunt/uncle before, so this is a new family relationship and we're not sure how close we want to be with them given that we have nothing in common/don't enjoy spending time with them and also given this issue with ignoring our daughter.

OP You are pretty intolerant. As someone going through IF I would not want to share it with you. I do not think this relationship has a future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really want to believe DCUM simply attracts a certain type of person with infertility. Because I refuse to believe that most people with infertility can't find happiness for others becoming parents. I had secondary infertility during a time when it seemed every other relative and friend under 45 was either expecting or adopting. I welcomed each new addition despite my longing and frustration.

+1 I've never met anyone like OP's in laws or the douches on this thread IRL.

I'm one of the IF "douches" on this thread you may have met me. I've never ignored a child or even skipped a baby shower. I may have left the shower a little early if it was a particularly bad time for me, but I'm sure you couldn't tell the pain I was experiencing because I plastered that fake smile on my face.

BUT I know the pain is real and acknowledge that "cutting off" part of your life is a needed coping mechanism for some people going through IF.

Who knows - maybe OP's SIL did get pregnant back then and shared a due date with OP, but then they lost that baby. The niece might be a constant reminder of maybe the only BFP they saw for five years.

Anyway, IF is brutal. Have some heart.

I don't think you sound like a douche at all. I'm talking about people who are ignoring child family members to their face and/or condoning that. It's one thing not to make plans to see them, it's another to ignore them at holidays or get togethers.

I an condoning that. Guess I'm a douche. But OP's ILs need to do what they need to do.

Just because you were able to be around babies when you were going through several years of IF doesn't mean that her ILs could handle it.

Yup, if you would be rude to a child to their face, you are a douche, you're right. Like I said, the issue isn't not being around them. It's being around them, and being a mean person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious how quickly DCUM always is to pile on the infertile. Most posts include at least some questioning of the OP, but any time the perceived offender is dealing with infertility, it's just a big old game of pile on.

I, personally, think OP is exaggerating and just looking for DCUM to trash her inlaws. You all went right for it! (Lemmings...) I'll bet if you asked the SIL and BIL, they would have a very different view of what actually happened over the last four years. I highly, highly doubt they "never" once asked about the OP's little snowflake, though they may not have done so enough for OP's taste or in the manner she thought suitable.

Tell me, OP, if your inlaws suffered from infertility for the past five years, what (if anything) did you do to support them in it? Did you send cards or flowers when they had their transfers? When they got their BFNs, did you call or write to tell them how sorry you were? Did you offer help or provide assistance after the surgeries? Do you remember the dates of any miscarriages, and do you recognize their loss each year? And with respect to your child, did you ever ask them how they felt about talking about your child? Did ask them if they'd like to share in her life, and if so, how and on what terms? Did you make it possible for them to be involved in ways that are less painful? Did you look for productive ways to discuss their journey with them, or did you say things like "why don't you just adopt?" Or, "if it was meant to be..." and "just stop trying and it'll happen!" Has anything like this ever passed your lips? Did you apologize?

Here's the deal. We've been struggling with infertility for way longer than five years, and I am very involved in some of friends'/families' kids lives, and not at all in others. And by "involved," I mean we are Godparents and even, in a couple cases, temporary legal guardians (in case of emergency). I have hosted more than my share of baby showers. Which, unless you're completely lacking in sense, you must understand can be an especially hard challenge for the infertile. I've even done it while in cycle!

Then there are other children we know, who we barely acknowledge at all - no holidays, birthdays, etc. Now, I'm sure some of the folks in the "not at all" category like to tell themselves that the reason we're not involved is because of our infertility. (Selfish *ssholes that we are!) And I can absolutely see one of them posting a thread like this one. In truth, it's because through almost a decade of dealing with infertility, we've learned to avoid the topic of children with people who lack tack and compassion, or who insist that we see their kids only on their terms. (Holidays are hard, for example, but we can manage a Sunday brunch. I might not always ask about your kid on the phone, but I might "like" the cute FB pictures.) Worse still though, are those folks who insist on us behaving as if we weren't dealing with a massive existential crisis and deeply physical and emotionally painful, financially devastating, ongoing medical condition.

You might start, OP, by telling your inlaws that now that you are dealing with secondary infertility, you've gained new insight into their journey, and how hard it must have been. You can apologize if you ever said anything that made it worse, and tell them that you are very sad (and have been for years) that they haven't been more of a regular feature in your daughter's life. You can tell them you would like this to change, but understand that it can be very hard and that you are willing to do it entirely on their terms.

+1 And thank you for posting this.

[Anonymous]

Op's in laws didn't NEED to do anything. Even in shitty circumstances, you have choices. They chose to be jerks. Now they can reap what they sow. It was their choice to act that way and they need to be prepared that the family may not want to forgive and forget, which is their right and no worse than the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't your dh ever bring up your daughter in all those phone conversations? Like, "i can't believe Karla took hr 1st steps today, Jane and i are baby proofing the house now." Or " Yea, after Larla's holiday prek party we'll be on our way to mom and dad's house so well get there by dinner".

OP here. He rarely mentioned our daughter to his sister/her husband in order to be sensitive to what they were going through. When he once in awhile did bring her up during their phone conversations, they didn't say anything. And yes, he would sit through an hour long phone conversation over and over listening to them go on and on about their latest whatever, but in order to be sensitive to what they were going through, didn't bring up our daughter's latest achievement/milestone, etc.

Despite your assertions, you don't seem very sensitive to their situation. At first, maybe they were in too much pain to ask about your DD but your DH's failure to include her in their discussions is his fault, not theirs. Maybe they didn't bring up your DD because your DH didn't talk about her. Maybe they thought your DH didn't bring her up because she had some challenges that he didn't want to talk about - as the parent of SN kids, I certainly know what that's like.

This isn't about your DD, it's about you. She has no idea who these people are. It sounds like you're put out because they weren't able to oooh and aaaah about your DD's 'latest achievement/milestone'. [/quote
But they didn't send birthday cards or gifts, no Christmas gift or card. Didn't acknowledge her at all. Left the house the one time they had to see her every year.
Come on now.
It's their only niece.

+100 I can practically picture OP now. It is her first special snowflake and by darn the world needs to acknowledge it! Those infertility ILs just need to get over themselves and start hearing about her achievements and sending presents. They have missed FOUR WHOLE YEARS of presents and conversation about the glorious one! Who is the navel gazer now?

You have issues. This isn't about her "special snowflake." SIL/BIL's behavior was rude and self-absorbed - they didn't acknowledge their (only) niece's existence until they became pregnant. You have got to be kidding.

[Anonymous]

Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

+1000

No matter how hard they try to gloss over the past, what's done is done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op's in laws didn't NEED to do anything. Even in shitty circumstances, you have choices. They chose to be jerks. Now they can reap what they sow. It was their choice to act that way and they need to be prepared that the family may not want to forgive and forget, which is their right and no worse than the ILs.

+1 Completely agree. OP certainly doesn't need to fall all over herself being thankful that SIL has finally acknowledged that her niece exists four years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op does not have permission to actively ignore this brand new baby. But she can't force herself to feel warmly towards people who never made an effort to get to know her child, never bothered to ask a question about her child and pretty much ignored the fact that their child was even in the same room with them.

Of course she will congratulate them and of course she will ask polite questions. Of course she will. But it isn't Op's job to make her 4 year old a "big sister" to her new cousin. These folks have made it pretty clear that it is all about THEM and have no real genuine feelings towards Op's child.

+1000

No matter how hard they try to gloss over the past, what's done is done.

+2
Yes.

[Anonymous]

You never know, maybe the cousins will wind up hitting it off and maybe parenthood will change the hearts of these in-laws. Op can not force a relationship that isn't there but you never know if one can develop. If it is meant to be it will happen. It just can not be a one sided effort.