Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids are obviously stressed out. It will take a while to find out what their "real" personalities are like, once the dust settles in their new family.

Try to be a kind adult in their lives, OP.

Yes maybe they're not too happy with their new step dad banging their mommy. Oedipus etc.

Didn't their mother die? Come on. They're hurting. Isn't that obvious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

Because she is the host.

Well I guess that the host should make sure that every one of those kids has their fave meal on the table then? Instead of an elegant catered affair maybe they could have a potluck with paper plates so if someone loses their cool there will be no damage done (or at least minimal damage).

When I host a family dinner, I always have at least one kid-friendly item and I do take into consideration the preferences of my guests. When it's family, you know what people like. Food and nurturing are intertwined. The kids need to be nurtured right now, not given a lesson on nutrition. Once the kids feel loved an accepted their eating habits and behaviors will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

Because she is the host.

Well I guess that the host should make sure that every one of those kids has their fave meal on the table then? Instead of an elegant catered affair maybe they could have a potluck with paper plates so if someone loses their cool there will be no damage done (or at least minimal damage).

When I host a family dinner, I always have at least one kid-friendly item and I do take into consideration the preferences of my guests. When it's family, you know what people like. Food and nurturing are intertwined. The kids need to be nurtured right now, not given a lesson on nutrition. Once the kids feel loved an accepted their eating habits and behaviors will change.

Would you do this all summer long, even when daily tantrums and fights are taking place? Even when you have a large group of family all staying together? Some of you are far more patient than I would ever be.

[Anonymous]

How about you just invite the 3 girls and your BIL/SIL/pain in the ass nephews can stay home? No point in ruining your fathers party just to accommodate bratty children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

Because she is the host.

Well I guess that the host should make sure that every one of those kids has their fave meal on the table then? Instead of an elegant catered affair maybe they could have a potluck with paper plates so if someone loses their cool there will be no damage done (or at least minimal damage).

When I host a family dinner, I always have at least one kid-friendly item and I do take into consideration the preferences of my guests. When it's family, you know what people like. Food and nurturing are intertwined. The kids need to be nurtured right now, not given a lesson on nutrition. Once the kids feel loved an accepted their eating habits and behaviors will change.

I would be worried about all the other children wanting to eat the same junk food and melting down when as parents we want them to eat healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids are obviously stressed out. It will take a while to find out what their "real" personalities are like, once the dust settles in their new family.

Try to be a kind adult in their lives, OP.

Yes maybe they're not too happy with their new step dad banging their mommy. Oedipus etc.

Didn't their mother die? Come on. They're hurting. Isn't that obvious?

Have you read the thread? The bratty nephews have a mom - she married the BIL with 3 nieces. They have their mom.

If anyone is hurting, it's the three nieces. Their mother died and now their new step mother brings 2 brats into their family. Brats who are bullying them.

[Anonymous]

I think this conversation should have been between your husband and his brother. It should have gone along the lines of - we love you. We know you & your family are going through a lot of changes. We want to be supportive and give you & the family time to adjust. There's a big event coming up where we'll all be kicked out of the venue if some of the party starts throwing things. This is absolutely the kind of thing we want you there for, as you have been for over 20 years, but I wanted to check with you first on your thoughts about how this might go for your family. Do you think your family is ready to attend? I'll leave it to you to decide which members of your family should come - you're all invited and we love you. We will need to have an immediate exit plan though for anyone who throws things, so that the whole party doesn't get kicked out and fined for the damage.

IDK, I'm just imagining how I would broach the issue, but they must already have some awareness of the seriousness of the issue. Teenage boys who throw things are dangerous. Obviously there's a limit on where you can take them.

[Anonymous]

It's hard for me to imagine the kind of situation OP describes. I have cousins who had emotional challenges and their behavior was really wild when they were young - the parents absolutely handled it immediately every time and didn't take them somewhere where they couldn't make a quick exit at the very first sign of a meltdown. The boys were in counseling and special ed, as well as plenty of group sports so they could have constructive outlets for their intense feelings. I have friends now with children who behavioral issues and mental disabilities who also are quick on their feet to triage whether an initial cry can be turned around or if they're going to have to make a mad rush out of whatever venue they're in.

I've never seen a parent of children with these kinds of behavioral abnormalities who wasn't aware of it and actively dealing with, and who didn't fully understand that this limits what kinds of family outings they can have. I certainly believe OP, but I think most of the PPs are responding as if this just your run of the mill sulky pre-teen who's kind of a bummer to have around. That's not what she describes - she's describing violent and dangerous behavior, as well as highly disruptive and uncontrollable outbursts that are not age appropriate. She's also describing a SIL who is in denial and these behavioral abnormalities are going unacknowledged and untreated. That's not a normal family dynamic in which we all keep an upbeat attitude about the 11 year old who still has meltdowns as if he's 3 - I've been there, done that, and we all were supportive because everyone was doing what they could about it. OP is in an entirely different situation - that 11 yo who is mentally like a 3yo is not getting the helps he needs in OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

(1) the party is for your dad, not for his son-I'm-law's brother's step kids. Your dad has been extremely generous to the new wife and her kids and they've treated him terribly in return, turning his summer home and his family tradition into a stressful waste. They don't have the right to impose on him any further. No guest has the right to destroy someone else's special day but this goes double for a near stranger. OP is not responsible for this- her selfish SIL is.

(2) SIL and her children will not be family members for long. BIL is a lovely guy standing up for this woman as a good husband does for a spouse, but that doesn't mean he's happy. On the contrary, he is obviously miserable and sometime soon the fact that his children are being abused will be the breaking point. This marriage is going to end.

Which is why

(3) there is no further role for you to play here. Let your husband continue these painful conversations with his brother. He's going to have to be the one who picks up the pieces when this falls apart. He's also probably the only one who can help his own brother find a way forward. Let the SIL sit with the fact that even if it hurts her, her kids need to be excluded because their presence makes others miserable and other people do indeed matter. Those kids don't stand a chance and that marriage doesn't stand a chance unless and until they all see that something has to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids are obviously stressed out. It will take a while to find out what their "real" personalities are like, once the dust settles in their new family.

Try to be a kind adult in their lives, OP.

Yes maybe they're not too happy with their new step dad banging their mommy. Oedipus etc.

Didn't their mother die? Come on. They're hurting. Isn't that obvious?

Have you read the thread? The bratty nephews have a mom - she married the BIL with 3 nieces. They have their mom.

If anyone is hurting, it's the three nieces. Their mother died and now their new step mother brings 2 brats into their family. Brats who are bullying them.

Oh sorry, I had them confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(1) the party is for your dad, not for his son-I'm-law's brother's step kids. Your dad has been extremely generous to the new wife and her kids and they've treated him terribly in return, turning his summer home and his family tradition into a stressful waste. They don't have the right to impose on him any further. No guest has the right to destroy someone else's special day but this goes double for a near stranger. OP is not responsible for this- her selfish SIL is.

(2) SIL and her children will not be family members for long. BIL is a lovely guy standing up for this woman as a good husband does for a spouse, but that doesn't mean he's happy. On the contrary, he is obviously miserable and sometime soon the fact that his children are being abused will be the breaking point. This marriage is going to end.

Which is why

(3) there is no further role for you to play here. Let your husband continue these painful conversations with his brother. He's going to have to be the one who picks up the pieces when this falls apart. He's also probably the only one who can help his own brother find a way forward. Let the SIL sit with the fact that even if it hurts her, her kids need to be excluded because their presence makes others miserable and other people do indeed matter. Those kids don't stand a chance and that marriage doesn't stand a chance unless and until they all see that something has to change.

Writing on wall. I'd say your analysis of the situation is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think SIL was offended. I think you could apologize (if you want them to come to the party and try to smooth things over) and tell them all kids are welcome but not their electronics, no electronics/games at all. If you don't care about your relationship with BIL/SIL and don't want the bully step-nephews there, then don't do anything.

Based on what OP has said before, you are setting these kids up for failure. She has already said that they throw tantrums when they don't have the right food and don't have the electronics. Until the SIL and BIL finally resolve the issues that these boys have, you can either invite them and cater to their wishes to try to keep them calm or not invite them. But inviting them and not addressing their needs and still expecting them to not cause a commotion is completely idiotic. The above advice is the worst of all situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

Because she is the host.

Well I guess that the host should make sure that every one of those kids has their fave meal on the table then? Instead of an elegant catered affair maybe they could have a potluck with paper plates so if someone loses their cool there will be no damage done (or at least minimal damage).

When I host a family dinner, I always have at least one kid-friendly item and I do take into consideration the preferences of my guests. When it's family, you know what people like. Food and nurturing are intertwined. The kids need to be nurtured right now, not given a lesson on nutrition. Once the kids feel loved an accepted their eating habits and behaviors will change.

Yes. It's called bread/rolls and butter. That may be all that someone chooses to eat but at least they will not starve. Putting mac & cheese and nuggets out for every single meal is a bit much. Feed them beforehand if they must have that.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

If you read this thread and the other you would see that there has been so much stress for months and months trying to accommodate this situation.

What would you do if you were so stressed out from trying everything and then have this happen. SIL agreed and then turned around and flipped out.

If the grandfather matters, shouldn't he be allowed to have a stress free 75th birthday?