Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

Feed the kids beforehand and let them snack at dinner on whatever they will eat. The other adults need to back off and not insist that they try food that they are not interested in eating - let the parents handle it. If they start to flip out and throw food or yell/cry/scream - they need to Go Home.

But that is the problem - their mother is not handling it! If OP tries to discipline the boys, the mother throws a fit that her precious angels are being excluded from the family. BIL seems to be too new in the role of stepfather and doesn't feel comfortable discipling them (am I correct, OP?) plus I'm sure his wife would also freak if he tried to do so.

SIL doesn't want to hear any criticism regarding her boys and won't discipline them.

I'm guessing OP doesn't care that they just eat chicken nuggets and mac n cheese. It's the tantrums they are throwing if they don't get their food that she has the problem with. It's the tantrums they are throwing when they lose at their video games that she is having a problem with. That plus their own mother is not handling them when they throw tantrums. They are 12 and 9 years old. That behavior is NOT acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - a few other questions about your BIL and his new family? How long has your nieces' mother been dead? Was BIL just looking for a mother figure and this is what he stumbled into or is it true love?

not OP. Doesn't matter now, she's his wife either way.

Yes it does. If BIL was just looking for a mother figure, he should realize he made a poor decision and divorce her. He has to put his 3 daughters' needs first. That is not happening right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

Because she is the host.

Well I guess that the host should make sure that every one of those kids has their fave meal on the table then? Instead of an elegant catered affair maybe they could have a potluck with paper plates so if someone loses their cool there will be no damage done (or at least minimal damage).

[Anonymous]

A lot of angry posters on here (OP included) who are not looking for a happy ending to this situation. Lots of blamers and punishers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

But OP can't make their mom parent them appropriately -- no one can. Sometimes people don't do what they should do.

OP has several choices, but none of them will guarantee the boys' behavior or their mom's goodwill, because life is not fair.

She can exclude them & face the fallout from her BIL and his wife.

She can include them and ignore their behavior like their mom does or kick them out if they act up.

She can take steps to minimize their behavior or not.

But she can't make them behave, she can't make their mom parent, and no amount of agreement from anonymous posters on DCUM will ensure she faces no pushback for whatever she chooses to do.

[Anonymous]

I think SIL was offended. I think you could apologize (if you want them to come to the party and try to smooth things over) and tell them all kids are welcome but not their electronics, no electronics/games at all. If you don't care about your relationship with BIL/SIL and don't want the bully step-nephews there, then don't do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but the next time they come to a family dinner, just make some mac and cheese, the kind they like. You can make it ahead of time and heat it up in the microwave. Don't make a big deal out of it or even mention it, just put it out with everything else and let them decide what they want. Making someone's favorite food is a way of showing them you care. If people don't make a big damn deal out of it, eventually they will probably branch out a little bit.

That's a really nice idea.

Or maybe the boys' mother should realize her 12 and 9 year old son still cannot eat what everyone else is eating and needs to bring their special chicken nuggets and mac n cheese to all family meals. Why does it need to be on OP to parent these boys? Their mother needs to start parenting her own sons! Their behavior is not because they are stressed out. Their behavior is because their mother does not punish them for misbehaving and coddles them. People really don't get that?

But OP can't make their mom parent them appropriately -- no one can. Sometimes people don't do what they should do.

OP has several choices, but none of them will guarantee the boys' behavior or their mom's goodwill, because life is not fair.

She can exclude them & face the fallout from her BIL and his wife.

She can include them and ignore their behavior like their mom does or kick them out if they act up.

She can take steps to minimize their behavior or not.

But she can't make them behave, she can't make their mom parent, and no amount of agreement from anonymous posters on DCUM will ensure she faces no pushback for whatever she chooses to do.

^yep. No matter what she chooses it is a lose-lose for Op.

[Anonymous]

OP, I read your other thread and you still sound tiresome: my BIL's new wife is awful and her kids are awful and they ruin everything for my own perfect family. You also sound like you are exaggerating - I have active, picky boys and the idea that 9yo and 12yo throw a violent tantrum if they are not served Kraft mac-n-cheese and a specific brand of chicken nuggets is, well, absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of angry posters on here (OP included) who are not looking for a happy ending to this situation. Lots of blamers and punishers.

If you see a happy 100% win to this, do tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your other thread and you still sound tiresome: my BIL's new wife is awful and her kids are awful and they ruin everything for my own perfect family. You also sound like you are exaggerating - I have active, picky boys and the idea that 9yo and 12yo throw a violent tantrum if they are not served Kraft mac-n-cheese and a specific brand of chicken nuggets is, well, absurd.

My kids have been fairly picky too - actually one of them was SUPER picky with food texture issues. We were able to get around it through some careful planning. Never once did I expect a host to put out something special for them although it was incredibly sweet and appreciated when they did!

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your only option is not to invite BIL and his family to the event. You probably do need to distance yourself from this relationship.

[Anonymous]

This is what happens with all these step fathers and absentee fathers and weak husbands and "strong pushy feminist women." The young lads don't have strong male role models. OP, your husband is a pussy and your husband's brother is an even bigger pussy.

Let your HUSBAND decide if HIS BROTHER and HIS BROTHER'S crazy blended family comes to the party. If your HUSBAND lets them come, then it is your HUSBAND"S JOB to insist that HIS BROTHER control HIS BROTHER's step-brats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think SIL was offended. I think you could apologize (if you want them to come to the party and try to smooth things over) and tell them all kids are welcome but not their electronics, no electronics/games at all. If you don't care about your relationship with BIL/SIL and don't want the bully step-nephews there, then don't do anything.

NO.

The problem is not with OP's side of the family. It is her HUSBAND's family that is effed up. Her HUSBAND should have whatever "discussions" are necessary with HIS BROTHER and tell HIS BROTHER to get his shit together and get his little insane step family under control. (Of course OP contributes to the problem by insisting on being so domineering and pushy. This enables OP's husband to be wimpy, passive and a do-nothing.)

Women create these problems. It's up to the MEN to solve them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids are obviously stressed out. It will take a while to find out what their "real" personalities are like, once the dust settles in their new family.

Try to be a kind adult in their lives, OP.

Yes maybe they're not too happy with their new step dad banging their mommy. Oedipus etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart breaks for the two nephews. OP, you can't compare them to your boys. Their ages are the same but your boys have lived in a stable, loving home with a mom and a dad for their entire lives. I don't know what happened to the bio father of the boys, but it doesn't sound like he's in the picture. In the other thread you mentioned that it had just been SIL and those two boys for a long time. Now those boys are thrown into a new home that the didn't ask for, with little sisters and a stepdad they didn't ask for, possibly a new school, etc., etc., and they have to deal with you and your entire family. While that will/could be a good thing for them eventually, right now they're not having it. Their mom is dealing with being a new wife and new stepmom, while trying to maintain her loyalty to her sons. As much as you feel compelled to step it and straighten it all out, they really just need your love and support.

Liberal much?