Is the redhead kid who calls me dad actually mine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, my DH was duped (years before we met) by his former fiance into thinking a child was his when it actually wasn't. He got a paternity test and left. Granted the child was months old but even if it wasn't, I don't think it's fair to expect saintly acts from mere mortals. I commend women and men who are able to raise other people's children but I do think it should be a choice. When that choice is taken from you in the form of betrayal, there are casualties and unfortunately the biggest casualty is the child but don't demonize the first victim for wanting to know and possibly choosing a chance at an honest relationship without baggage or little reminders of hurt.

I find this post so incredibly offensive. A child isn't baggage, or a little reminder of hurt. A child is potentially more important to the world than any of us, dilly dallying on whether to raise them or start "fresh" somewhere else. As adults, cards are dealt to us, men and women, and some of those cards are responsibilities to other human beings, genetically related or no. Unless you're a really important guy in this world, there is no greater sense of purpose and no greater potential to contribute something (someone) great to the world than to embrace your responsibility to parent a child, quest for an honest relationship or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am op

Paternity test at lab now....

Not sure what outcome will be easier to handle. Either he is mine and I will continue to doubt my wife or he isn't and I will continue to love my son and have clarity on my wayward wife's lies....

how long until you know the results? I would have done the same in your circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, my DH was duped (years before we met) by his former fiance into thinking a child was his when it actually wasn't. He got a paternity test and left. Granted the child was months old but even if it wasn't, I don't think it's fair to expect saintly acts from mere mortals. I commend women and men who are able to raise other people's children but I do think it should be a choice. When that choice is taken from you in the form of betrayal, there are casualties and unfortunately the biggest casualty is the child but don't demonize the first victim for wanting to know and possibly choosing a chance at an honest relationship without baggage or little reminders of hurt.

I find this post so incredibly offensive. A child isn't baggage, or a little reminder of hurt. A child is potentially more important to the world than any of us, dilly dallying on whether to raise them or start "fresh" somewhere else. As adults, cards are dealt to us, men and women, and some of those cards are responsibilities to other human beings, genetically related or no. Unless you're a really important guy in this world, there is no greater sense of purpose and no greater potential to contribute something (someone) great to the world than to embrace your responsibility to parent a child, quest for an honest relationship or not.

Sorry you find it offensive, Your Holiness. I find offensive your insistence on shaming the OP for being ambivalent about raising a child that is (possibly) not his and staying with an unfaithful woman.

[Anonymous]

Look, if the OP decides he wants to leave his wife for cheating, few people are going to blame him. This isn't about his wife's infidelity. It's about his relationship to a child who believes he is his father. The time to say he wasn't going to raise the kid was when his wife was pregnant or it was a newborn. Not when he's spent years being the kid's father.

[Anonymous]

OP, what did the test show?

[Anonymous]

It is so gross that you're using a child as a tool to work out your marital problem.

I guarantee you that if the kid isn't OP's, a year from now OP won't have anything to do with him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so gross that you're using a child as a tool to work out your marital problem.

I guarantee you that if the kid isn't OP's, a year from now OP won't have anything to do with him anymore.

Whatever pain the child suffers, in this kind of situation, is the fault of the cheating mother. The duped husband's unwillingness to raise a child not his own is an entirely foreseeable and predictable outcome of her conduct, and it was her choice to create that situation. I don't think women have any perspective on how much of a violation this is to men and should not be so quick to judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is so gross that you're using a child as a tool to work out your marital problem.

I guarantee you that if the kid isn't OP's, a year from now OP won't have anything to do with him anymore.

Whatever pain the child suffers, in this kind of situation, is the fault of the cheating mother. The duped husband's unwillingness to raise a child not his own is an entirely foreseeable and predictable outcome of her conduct, and it was her choice to create that situation. I don't think women have any perspective on how much of a violation this is to men and should not be so quick to judge.

Of course the mother has plenty of blame here if she cheated -- I never said she didn't. But whether this child is his or not, OP clearly doesn't love him enough to make him the top priority. He's created this fiction in his head where this will prove his wife cheated but nothing will change with his child, but it's all a lie. He clearly wants to end his marriage but doesn't want to be the bad guy who leaves, so he's hoping to prove she cheated so he can feel justified in ending the marriage and the blame will be on her. He doesn't care that he's using a child to achieve those ends. And then to further the fiction of how perfect and innocent he is, he swears he'll love the child the same and nothing will change, even though he doesn't know it's true. He claims to love his child and want the child to be his, but if that were really true he wouldn't jeopardize it in this way. Not only does he want out of the marriage, but he wants out of fatherhood also, and this will give him the avenue. A year from now it will be all about how painful it was to continue to parent someone else's child, that it was an ongoing reminder of the betrayal, etc. And then he can go on to a carefree bachelor life, which is what he really wants.

But here's the rub, I pretty much every jurisdiction, the court will still deem OP to be the father, and he'll still be on the hook for child support. And the more he absents himself and refuses to share custody/visitation, the more child support he'll owe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is so gross that you're using a child as a tool to work out your marital problem.

I guarantee you that if the kid isn't OP's, a year from now OP won't have anything to do with him anymore.

Whatever pain the child suffers, in this kind of situation, is the fault of the cheating mother. The duped husband's unwillingness to raise a child not his own is an entirely foreseeable and predictable outcome of her conduct, and it was her choice to create that situation. I don't think women have any perspective on how much of a violation this is to men and should not be so quick to judge.

OP has sat on his suspicions for years because he wasn't ready to face them, and allowed this child to bond to him and believe him to be his father. He absolutely bears responsibility for the child's pain if he pulls the rug out from under him after all this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is so gross that you're using a child as a tool to work out your marital problem.

I guarantee you that if the kid isn't OP's, a year from now OP won't have anything to do with him anymore.

Whatever pain the child suffers, in this kind of situation, is the fault of the cheating mother. The duped husband's unwillingness to raise a child not his own is an entirely foreseeable and predictable outcome of her conduct, and it was her choice to create that situation. I don't think women have any perspective on how much of a violation this is to men and should not be so quick to judge.

OP has sat on his suspicions for years because he wasn't ready to face them, and allowed this child to bond to him and believe him to be his father. He absolutely bears responsibility for the child's pain if he pulls the rug out from under him after all this time.

Of course he doesn't, if it's not his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is so gross that you're using a child as a tool to work out your marital problem.

I guarantee you that if the kid isn't OP's, a year from now OP won't have anything to do with him anymore.

Whatever pain the child suffers, in this kind of situation, is the fault of the cheating mother. The duped husband's unwillingness to raise a child not his own is an entirely foreseeable and predictable outcome of her conduct, and it was her choice to create that situation. I don't think women have any perspective on how much of a violation this is to men and should not be so quick to judge.

Of course the mother has plenty of blame here if she cheated -- I never said she didn't. But whether this child is his or not, OP clearly doesn't love him enough to make him the top priority. He's created this fiction in his head where this will prove his wife cheated but nothing will change with his child, but it's all a lie. He clearly wants to end his marriage but doesn't want to be the bad guy who leaves, so he's hoping to prove she cheated so he can feel justified in ending the marriage and the blame will be on her. He doesn't care that he's using a child to achieve those ends. And then to further the fiction of how perfect and innocent he is, he swears he'll love the child the same and nothing will change, even though he doesn't know it's true. He claims to love his child and want the child to be his, but if that were really true he wouldn't jeopardize it in this way. Not only does he want out of the marriage, but he wants out of fatherhood also, and this will give him the avenue. A year from now it will be all about how painful it was to continue to parent someone else's child, that it was an ongoing reminder of the betrayal, etc. And then he can go on to a carefree bachelor life, which is what he really wants.

But here's the rub, I pretty much every jurisdiction, the court will still deem OP to be the father, and he'll still be on the hook for child support. And the more he absents himself and refuses to share custody/visitation, the more child support he'll owe.

you're jumping to a lot of bitter and cynical conclusions there. Bottom line is that if it's not his kid, it's not his kid. If he wants to be in the kid's like, that's extremely generous considering he is not the father.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking of you OP and sending you my sympathy. You are in a tough situation that is not your fault. And although I will never be in your position as a woman, I understand your need to find out the truth. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is so gross that you're using a child as a tool to work out your marital problem.

I guarantee you that if the kid isn't OP's, a year from now OP won't have anything to do with him anymore.

Whatever pain the child suffers, in this kind of situation, is the fault of the cheating mother. The duped husband's unwillingness to raise a child not his own is an entirely foreseeable and predictable outcome of her conduct, and it was her choice to create that situation. I don't think women have any perspective on how much of a violation this is to men and should not be so quick to judge.

OP has sat on his suspicions for years because he wasn't ready to face them, and allowed this child to bond to him and believe him to be his father. He absolutely bears responsibility for the child's pain if he pulls the rug out from under him after all this time.

Of course he doesn't, if it's not his child.

He's known for a long time the kid might not be his. It's pretty awful to let a kid get so deeply attached to you if you're not sure you're sticking around.

[Anonymous]

My cousin and her DH are Pakistani and their child is a red head. Somewhere down their lineage there was a natural redhead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so gross that you're using a child as a tool to work out your marital problem.

I guarantee you that if the kid isn't OP's, a year from now OP won't have anything to do with him anymore.

What??? OP said he loves the child. What makes you think he would abandon his son? His issue is with the mother. He can still divorce her lying ass and love his son. It's been done before.