I want to get away from friend groups/communities with this specific type of woman: where to go?

[Anonymous]

When you surround yourself with rich people, this is what happens. Rich people are bored and focus that extra energy into social engineering.

[Anonymous]

Above poster is probably one of these types and a big thing I notice about them is they have no insecurity or humility whatsoever. Everything in their lives is perfect. Perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house. If your life isn't perfect, you went wrong somewhere and you bring negative energy.
I think of it as being real! Nobody is in jail or anything but my family and house are far from perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking of, this post struck me because I recognized some of my own tendencies which was both scary and a good wake up call. I went to a posh business school and was surrounded by this dynamic, and I am a somewhat type A with very doting parents. I insulated myself from this mostly by choosing the right career (mission driven) the right husband (think tank and ngo do gooder type), the right neighborhood (hippy ish community).

These choices actually make it more likely that you are exactly this type of persona and perhaps one of the worst types.

Being "mission-driven" and living around a bunch of do-gooder types just makes it easier for you to be controlling and manipulative. It adds a veneer of "purpose" to a personality trait that is entirely about stroking your own ego.

I'm sure you love advising people on how they should be investing in an electronic cargo bike, they should be composting, they should be watering their yard via a rain barrel system? Do you love to brag about your kid's super nurturing and progressive charter? Or perhaps you are militant about using boundary schools and judge anyone who doesn't. I'm certain you use your do-gooder husband to burnish your progressive bona fides so that you can have the last word in political discussions, and I bet you love being surrounded by beta hippies who will take this all to heart and think you are amazing because you are bringing all your "posh business school" ways to their little hippie haven (except the ones who know you are a poser who actually just realized she could have a lot more power in a less competitive environment where she could run the table). But really the only reason you can afford to be "the best" do-gooder is because I'm betting you and your husband both come from well off families who help finance a very nice lifestyle despite your "mission-driven" job and his "think tank, ngo do-gooder" job.

Be honest: do you two live off your income or do you have investment properties and big portfolios from your previous jobs in the corporate world, plus likely inheritances coming (or already in hand) from wealthy parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Above poster is probably one of these types and a big thing I notice about them is they have no insecurity or humility whatsoever. Everything in their lives is perfect. Perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house. If your life isn't perfect, you went wrong somewhere and you bring negative energy.
I think of it as being real! Nobody is in jail or anything but my family and house are far from perfect.

Everyone has insecurities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:haha +1 to the Unitarian Church (All Souls) and truly none of these women there

Where to NOT spend time: hanging out with lawyers, anyone who does PR, lobbyists or Hill types

Yes to nonprofits, making friends with former Peace Corps volunteers. Don't laugh, but I began to love living in DC when I escaped the Hill bubble I was in and made friends with a bunch of RPCVs. Career Feds, think tankers (but they have other obnoxious tendencies) or anyone in a mission-driven career are also all over DC in droves.

I’m a lawyer and not like the woman described. But I do see these traits in lawyers? Why??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Above poster is probably one of these types and a big thing I notice about them is they have no insecurity or humility whatsoever. Everything in their lives is perfect. Perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house. If your life isn't perfect, you went wrong somewhere and you bring negative energy.
I think of it as being real! Nobody is in jail or anything but my family and house are far from perfect.

Sometimes they will have some imperfect element to their lives and they will turn that into the "perfect weakness" in order to get sympathy and make people even more impressed at their success.

So it's like "yes it's true, my live *is* perfect, because I'm so intentional and good at figuring out how to be, but what you don't realize is that have ADHD and that makes my success and perfection even more impressive. In fact, it's probably my super power -- but a neurotypical like you might not understand."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say what?

Yeah.

Sounds like OP has got it all figured out…. lol.

OP sounds like she has too much time on her hands. Get a more demanding day job Op. you need a bigger perspective and more orbits in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Above poster is probably one of these types and a big thing I notice about them is they have no insecurity or humility whatsoever. Everything in their lives is perfect. Perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house. If your life isn't perfect, you went wrong somewhere and you bring negative energy.
I think of it as being real! Nobody is in jail or anything but my family and house are far from perfect.

Everyone has insecurities.

Yes but some people handle insecurities by being like "I have insecurities and sometimes feel bad about myself and have some bad days."

These Type A terrors handle insecurities by being like "I am perfect! Here, I will demonstrate how perfect I am by focusing on YOUR worst qualities and trying to fix them for you! That way I can outsource my insecurities to you so that I don't have to feel them at all and you feel terrible. Perfect!"

[Anonymous]

These people are at every level of SES. I grew up as a poor immigrant and now live in an affluent area.

I find it easy to avoid them. I never hung out with those types of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say what?

Yeah.

Sounds like OP has got it all figured out…. lol.

OP sounds like she has too much time on her hands. Get a more demanding day job Op. you need a bigger perspective and more orbits in your life.

Said an anonymous stranger at quarter after ten in the morning on a weekday. Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha +1 to the Unitarian Church (All Souls) and truly none of these women there

Where to NOT spend time: hanging out with lawyers, anyone who does PR, lobbyists or Hill types

Yes to nonprofits, making friends with former Peace Corps volunteers. Don't laugh, but I began to love living in DC when I escaped the Hill bubble I was in and made friends with a bunch of RPCVs. Career Feds, think tankers (but they have other obnoxious tendencies) or anyone in a mission-driven career are also all over DC in droves.

I’m a lawyer and not like the woman described. But I do see these traits in lawyers? Why??

Yes, I'm a lawyer as well but not like this at all, and find these qualities in other lawyers so exhausting.

My theory is that the inherently combative nature of law tends to attractive competitive people, and then the culture of law school and legal practice encourages their competitive behaviors.

Meanwhile, I thought I was kind of competitive but then went to law school and realized I didn't even know what "competitive" was. These people scare me -- I chose the wrong profession. I think I should have been a kindergarten teacher or a physical therapist or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Above poster is probably one of these types and a big thing I notice about them is they have no insecurity or humility whatsoever. Everything in their lives is perfect. Perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house. If your life isn't perfect, you went wrong somewhere and you bring negative energy.
I think of it as being real! Nobody is in jail or anything but my family and house are far from perfect.

Everyone has insecurities.

No, they truly don't.
I was attempting friendship with one of these a while back and every conversation collapsed because of this.
"Mikeys not very athletic so I'm trying to encourage x and y. He said recess has been kind of a struggle." "That's strange. All my kids are super sporty, because we encourage being active in our family." I literally just said that we encourage that too!
"I'm going crazy with my kitchen remodel, the contractor did x and y." "I'm so glad we made sure to buy a beautifully maintained house so we never had to worry about that. My kitchen is amazing."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These people are at every level of SES. I grew up as a poor immigrant and now live in an affluent area.

I find it easy to avoid them. I never hung out with those types of people.

How do you avoid them? Tell me your ways.

-- a person dealing with someone like this at work and in my social life and so annoyed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Above poster is probably one of these types and a big thing I notice about them is they have no insecurity or humility whatsoever. Everything in their lives is perfect. Perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house. If your life isn't perfect, you went wrong somewhere and you bring negative energy.
I think of it as being real! Nobody is in jail or anything but my family and house are far from perfect.

Everyone has insecurities.

No, they truly don't.
I was attempting friendship with one of these a while back and every conversation collapsed because of this.
"Mikeys not very athletic so I'm trying to encourage x and y. He said recess has been kind of a struggle." "That's strange. All my kids are super sporty, because we encourage being active in our family." I literally just said that we encourage that too!
"I'm going crazy with my kitchen remodel, the contractor did x and y." "I'm so glad we made sure to buy a beautifully maintained house so we never had to worry about that. My kitchen is amazing."

This personality is awful and I am sorry you are dealing with it. It drives me nuts when people can't have a conversation here someone talks about something they are struggling with because they have to turn it into a competition. It's incredibly frustrating.

But these people DO have insecurities, and this tendency reveals them. Someone who really had no insecurities wouldn't feel the need to one-up in this way. They would be able to listen to you talking about your son's challenges or vent about a contractor and find a way to validate or relate. Even if they couldn't identify with that specific issue, they could use empathy to say "that sounds challenging, I feel like we went through something similar when Sarah changed schools and it took a while for her to make new friends. Sounds like you guys are doing the right things though." But that kind of listening, empathizing, and reflecting requires someone who is comfortable in themselves and not constantly trying to prove they are better than others.

They have insecurities, they just express them in a dysfunctional, anti-social way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Above poster is probably one of these types and a big thing I notice about them is they have no insecurity or humility whatsoever. Everything in their lives is perfect. Perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house. If your life isn't perfect, you went wrong somewhere and you bring negative energy.
I think of it as being real! Nobody is in jail or anything but my family and house are far from perfect.

Everyone has insecurities.

No, they truly don't.
I was attempting friendship with one of these a while back and every conversation collapsed because of this.
"Mikeys not very athletic so I'm trying to encourage x and y. He said recess has been kind of a struggle." "That's strange. All my kids are super sporty, because we encourage being active in our family." I literally just said that we encourage that too!
"I'm going crazy with my kitchen remodel, the contractor did x and y." "I'm so glad we made sure to buy a beautifully maintained house so we never had to worry about that. My kitchen is amazing."

If they weren't insecure, they wouldn't feel the need to 'one-up' everything you say. It's their coping mechanism.