My kid witnessed another playdate - awkward - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

It's not a club, sport, or organized activity. You can't advocate for your kid in this situation. The things you are doing will make her a pariah. What you should be doing is encouraging DD to not take things personally, and branch out with other friendships. Most of the other moms will find your behavior off putting and they will cross your daughter off their lists. This is real world social interaction. The only way you can move the needle is by modeling inclusivity.

It's ok to validate your daughter's feelings, but don't leave her in the pit. Kids with healthy social lives are usually kids that have a larger number of friends they can invite/be invited by, don't take things personally, and have good interpersonal skills. You need to help your kid develop relationships, confidence, and communication skills.

You can ignore the essentially universal advice that what you are doing is going to be destructive for your daughter or you can realize that you're making a bad choice. The world would be a better place if people were kinder and more focused on inclusivity. They aren't. You need to teach your daughter to live in the world she's in. That doesn't mean that you can't work towards making it better, but what you are doing is not going to help anyone.

[Anonymous]

On the small chance that you’re not a troll OP, you have really ruined your kids chances with this entire friend group because they all rightfully know you’re a nutcase and will avoid you from now on. I honestly can’t even imagine the entitlement but I do feel hope for the future in the way that the other mom responded to all the crazy. She sounds like a saint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

OP this is 17:49 from page 4. I think you need to draw a distinct line between your own values and other people's behavior. You have a set of values that includes self-reflection, flexibility, generosity, and inclusivity. You can use these values to drive your own decisions and actions. You can try to model these values for others to see. You can ask others for favors that you're willing to reciprocate. But with other people, you need to give them space to make their own decisions. You need to withhold judgment.

I still think that you should look up the term snowplow parent. I think it would be helpful for you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

I'm very inclusive and I recognize the fact that many people are not. My kids need to have the skills to deal with the real world; it my job as a parent to ensure they have those skills. Perhaps your parents did not ensure you had those skills and you are struggling to pass on life skills to your kid because you lack them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

It's not a club, sport, or organized activity. You can't advocate for your kid in this situation. The things you are doing will make her a pariah. What you should be doing is encouraging DD to not take things personally, and branch out with other friendships. Most of the other moms will find your behavior off putting and they will cross your daughter off their lists. This is real world social interaction. The only way you can move the needle is by modeling inclusivity.

It's ok to validate your daughter's feelings, but don't leave her in the pit. Kids with healthy social lives are usually kids that have a larger number of friends they can invite/be invited by, don't take things personally, and have good interpersonal skills. You need to help your kid develop relationships, confidence, and communication skills.

You can ignore the essentially universal advice that what you are doing is going to be destructive for your daughter or you can realize that you're making a bad choice. The world would be a better place if people were kinder and more focused on inclusivity. They aren't. You need to teach your daughter to live in the world she's in. That doesn't mean that you can't work towards making it better, but what you are doing is not going to help anyone.

+1

OP a better way to handle this is simple.
"Larla, I can see you ar very upset that Jane, Emma, and Addy are having a playdate without you. It makes you feel excluded and sad. You've also had playdates with only Addy and now she wants to branch out. Do you want to have a sleepover with Anna from soccer this weekend? It might be healthy for you also to branch out a bit more."

Problem solved. You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was trying to advocate for my kid. She spent the afternoon alone crying while three friends were off having fun; how is that in any way fair? I am on the fence with how to respond to this girl's mother. She just responded with a "heart" emoji on my text and said, "I'm sorry she felt left out. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can see you soon." Not even an invite or any kind of ownership of the behavior.
Maybe I am being insecure or irrational but seeing your kid in tears, left out, visibly, hurts.

Ownership of the behaviour? Are you insane? It is in no way her fault or her problem that you are raising an incredibly insecure child who obviously always gets what she wants. Her text was totally appropriate, yours was borderline nuts.

I would excise you swiftly, I don't need that kind of crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is why your behavior is a problem. Aside from your blindness to the absurdity of your kid inviting someone in front of others.

If your kid has been included, she would probably feel left out at some point. Because group playdates, especially with an odd number, tend to have that happen. And then you would text me complaining about that. Instead of realizing it isn't a big deal and teaching your kid to shake it off. And I just don't really want to deal with it. Because the only fix is for me to micromanage all future playdates to protect her feelings, and I don't want to. Nor do I think it is age appropriate or good parenting. They have to learn to deal with these minor things.

If the other mom had said yes, you would expect it every time and up your demands. That is why she said no and why she was right to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

To quote Bethenny Frankel, "When everyone says you're dead, it's time to lie down." Everyone here is saying you're wrong. Accept it. That other mom's house is not a clown car where she can have as many people over as physically fit in the home. It's how many little girls she can manage at once. Full stop. You better spend the weekend doing some deep self-reflection before everyone excludes your daughter simply because they don't want to have to deal with YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is why your behavior is a problem. Aside from your blindness to the absurdity of your kid inviting someone in front of others.

..

The irony is not lost on me. She thinks there’s nothing wrong with her kid inviting one kid over in front of two others! I can’t even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was trying to advocate for my kid. She spent the afternoon alone crying while three friends were off having fun; how is that in any way fair? I am on the fence with how to respond to this girl's mother. She just responded with a "heart" emoji on my text and said, "I'm sorry she felt left out. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can see you soon." Not even an invite or any kind of ownership of the behavior.
Maybe I am being insecure or irrational but seeing your kid in tears, left out, visibly, hurts.

You are either a troll or a psychopath.

[Anonymous]

There are kids who witness shootings. “Witnessing” two friends leaving together for a playdate is not a big deal.

Your advice to your kid should be to stop crying, people are allowed to make plans, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you… and then distract her with something fun (offer to invite a different friend over or play a game together).

Don’t validate a ridiculous response. It doesn’t build resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 2nd grade daughter came home with a party favor bag from a classmate's birthday. My daughter said that the girl had a party on the weekend and brought bags for the class. I was teasing her a bit 'hey why weren't you invited to that party?' just to see her response... she says "No Mom, she just had like 5 friends! I am not that close with her." I was very impressed. I would say to encourage general independence and not reading into people's playdates too much. Every combination of kids has the right to hang out and not include everyone else. Brush it off and do something fun to distract.

Why would you tease her about this? How odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

OP this is 17:49 from page 4. I think you need to draw a distinct line between your own values and other people's behavior. You have a set of values that includes self-reflection, flexibility, generosity, and inclusivity. You can use these values to drive your own decisions and actions. You can try to model these values for others to see. You can ask others for favors that you're willing to reciprocate. But with other people, you need to give them space to make their own decisions. You need to withhold judgment.

I still think that you should look up the term snowplow parent. I think it would be helpful for you. Good luck.

All evidence to the contrary!

[Anonymous]

Inclusivity isn't something that you police for others, it's something you do. You can be as inclusive as you'd like to be, but no one has to agree and do what you think is inclusive.

[Anonymous]

If I were the other mom, I would have included your DD. But maybe there is something about the group dynamic that makes her feel wary to add a 4th kid to supervise. Or maybe she just wasn't up to it. That's her choice and you need to help DD manage her disappointment. Nobody did anything "wrong."

If I were you, I would let this whole matter go and invite those 3 girls over (if your DD wants to) for a playdate. Just try and be normal and hopefully everyone (including you) will soon forget this.