My kid witnessed another playdate - awkward - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

[Anonymous]

If you are going to lunch with a dear friend and as you meet outside the restaurant an acquaintance you are not close to shows up does she get to make it a threesome?

Grow up and help your kid get perspective on life.

Never should have asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

You're not the judge of what another parent can or can't handle. It's not a question of square footage of the home, it's a question of what they have planned and whether the parent feels up to managing a larger group.

The other mom probably thought that if she said yes, you would expect it every time, since your daughter's feeeeelings are more important than manners and boundaries and respect for other people. So she drew this line to stop you from further encroaching.

Your child was rude to issue an invitation to one child in front of others. Work on your own house before you judge others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

A+ trolling OP.

In a rare DCUM consensus, you're still unwilling to admit you're wrong.

Continue to disregard this advice at your peril. I'm confident your friend and this mom are laughing their asses off at you right now.

But go ahead, keep on forcing inclusivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

At a practical level, you are not wrong. But there are unwritten social "rules" in situations like this. As you can tell by the reactions to your post, people can (not always) get very upset when those rules are broken. The rule here is that you can't show any emotional vulnerability or 'advocate' for your dd when an invitation is not extended, even if it hurts your dd's feelings. Most likely this mom is not as much of a viper as the posters here are (or claim to be) and won't text every other mom at the school about this and lead to social exclusion for you and your dd (true mean girl behavior) but your best bet is to just do a heart of her message to show your feelings have calmed down some after yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was trying to advocate for my kid. She spent the afternoon alone crying while three friends were off having fun; how is that in any way fair? I am on the fence with how to respond to this girl's mother. She just responded with a "heart" emoji on my text and said, "I'm sorry she felt left out. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can see you soon." Not even an invite or any kind of ownership of the behavior.
Maybe I am being insecure or irrational but seeing your kid in tears, left out, visibly, hurts.

Ooof. You are really digging your heels in.

Her response was very polite, but also a bit of a smack-down, because it was rude of you to text her.

YES, I have been in your shoes, and it is hurtful, but boundaries are good, and this mom seems to have appropriate ones.

[Anonymous]

This is happened to my kid. It is valuable lesson in adulting. As an older parent (GenX) it was also a valuable opportunity to play "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free" and explain the significance of The Police/Sting on my childhood. Listen, it is when your kid has a safe space at home (which sounds like you are providing) that they learn the ability to experience loss and disappointment - the slings and arrows of being human. Have her own playdates. Find other friends. Be her own best friend. These are life skills here! If you love your friends, set them free. Controlling them does not work.

[Anonymous]

You can model inclusivity yourself, but you cannot insist that other people practice it. Kind of like how you can give to charity yourself, but you can’t reach into other people’s pockets and donate their cash to charity.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Just know that there will be people who never do this.

[Anonymous]

I fail to see how this other mom is not being inclusive. She said three is her max for a playdate. If four was her max and OP's kid had been invited than perhaps kid #5 would feel left out.

This isn't the Met Ball, there are other playdates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can model inclusivity yourself, but you cannot insist that other people practice it. Kind of like how you can give to charity yourself, but you can’t reach into other people’s pockets and donate their cash to charity.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Just know that there will be people who never do this.

Right? The OP wants to rearrange the world to suit her daughter's need, and is mad that other people don't enjoy being chess pawns.

[Anonymous]

Aaahh you sent a text demanding to know why your kid wasn’t invited to a playdate? Wtf. Congrats, you’re “that mom” now.

[Anonymous]

The other mom probably thought that since your kid made an invitation to one kid in front of others, you would be fine with your kid knowing that not everyone is invited to every playdate. Since that's what your behavior shows.

[Anonymous]

My 2nd grade daughter came home with a party favor bag from a classmate's birthday. My daughter said that the girl had a party on the weekend and brought bags for the class. I was teasing her a bit 'hey why weren't you invited to that party?' just to see her response... she says "No Mom, she just had like 5 friends! I am not that close with her." I was very impressed. I would say to encourage general independence and not reading into people's playdates too much. Every combination of kids has the right to hang out and not include everyone else. Brush it off and do something fun to distract.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

OP, you are just trolling us right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

WOW you're doubling down! No one owes your child or you an invitation. It's perfectly fine for your child to be excluded from playdates. They don't owe you an explanation. I can't believe you still feel like you were somehow wronged. You and your child are in for a world of hurt going forward.