No sex drive and dh and I argue over it constantly!

[Anonymous]

"Meh, most young women are not looking to have kids with divorced DCUM dads in their 50s. This is a trope that is a male fantasy and not reality. It sounds like you’ve recently watched the movie Stepmom or something where the completely average man in his 50s gets a hot Julia Robert’s 20s who is interesting and can’t wait to just drop everything to raise his kids with another woman - it doesn’t happen in real life."

What does happen in real life: DH gets resentful and misses feeling like he's special to a woman. He meets a never married woman in her early 40s and starts up a relationship with her. She might still be able to get pregnant but doesn't use birth control because it's not likely. Then BOOM! DH has an enthusiastic woman who very much wants him, while you continue rejecting him and giving him very little affirmation. Which one of you do you think he's going to choose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Meh, most young women are not looking to have kids with divorced DCUM dads in their 50s. This is a trope that is a male fantasy and not reality. It sounds like you’ve recently watched the movie Stepmom or something where the completely average man in his 50s gets a hot Julia Robert’s 20s who is interesting and can’t wait to just drop everything to raise his kids with another woman - it doesn’t happen in real life."

What does happen in real life: DH gets resentful and misses feeling like he's special to a woman. He meets a never married woman in her early 40s and starts up a relationship with her. She might still be able to get pregnant but doesn't use birth control because it's not likely. Then BOOM! DH has an enthusiastic woman who very much wants him, while you continue rejecting him and giving him very little affirmation. Which one of you do you think he's going to choose?

Again with the threats. I just don’t think that’s going to work. I agree with you that if one person wants sex and the other person doesn’t they are at an impasse and they need counseling or to find a solution or to split. I don’t think anyone’s really arguing that but this whole notion that DH can just go out and find a new wife and BAM his problems are solved and he won’t have any more relationship issues without severely messing up his life is reductive and dismissive, and not based in reality.

Does this mythical 52-year-old man who is currently married with Kids, who finds a 43-year-old who can’t wait to have sex with him and then knocks her up, is he thinking about 10 years from now. When he’s 62, he has a 53-year-old who won’t have sex with him and an eight-year-old. And do the kids from his first marriage speak to him? They were probably old enough at that point to figure out what’s going on and I have of teens have a severely damaged relationship with a parent who is left for an affair.

Painting this La La Land of an escape route for DHs is just silly. Agree they don’t deserve to just be left out in the cold, they deserve counseling and communication and coming up with a solution. But painting them as if they have an easy escape route without completely screwing up everybody’s lives but mostly their own is like I said reductive and silly.

[Anonymous]

It depends what you want. If you care about companionship, support in all ways, care, love etc, then open your legs or just split and do yourself a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this thread. I’m in my late 40s and weigh the same as in my 20s and have near zero drive for years. I regularly have sex with my husband because I want him to be attached and committed to me. It’s really a very easy way to keep the peace.

Obviously this approach may be hard for victims of sex abuse, but for everyone else I highly recommend it. Maybe as I age my mind will change, who knows.

Come talk to us in 10 years.

The thing is, I wouldn’t even say 10 years. There is an ocean between 48 and 52 for some women. It’s sort of like saying “I got pregnant so easily at 35 and then at 39 we are having trouble what is going on?” Things just changed really rapidly for women at different stages in your life. The difference between 48 and 52 can be night and day.

Not necessarily for everyone, but for some women, this is true.

The issue is sex drive is not the only thing that changes. As estrogen recedes there are structural changes in the brain and women often become less willing to keep the peace, less willing to be the repairer of relationships, in all aspects of their lives. It’s more complicated than just sex drive.

This times a million!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends what you want. If you care about companionship, support in all ways, care, love etc, then open your legs or just split and do yourself a favor.

not going to open my legs but perfectly happy to wear a strap-on. you open YOUR legs, jack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends what you want. If you care about companionship, support in all ways, care, love etc, then open your legs or just split and do yourself a favor.

not going to open my legs but perfectly happy to wear a strap-on. you open YOUR legs, jack.

Don't threaten me with a good time.

[Anonymous]

Men are very lustful creatures and they are going to gravitate to women who are fulfilling their lustful needs. It’s inarguable. There are men that leave their wives and kids to go and start families with other women. You can tell yourself that situation is rare and it won’t happen to you until it happens to you. Browse through Chump Lady and the thousands of women who were cheated on and left. It’s really heartbreaking.

I would not assume your DH is not like all these other men who left their wife after many years. If there is anything you can do to help your sex life improve then you owe it to your husband to at least try and improve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Meh, most young women are not looking to have kids with divorced DCUM dads in their 50s. This is a trope that is a male fantasy and not reality. It sounds like you’ve recently watched the movie Stepmom or something where the completely average man in his 50s gets a hot Julia Robert’s 20s who is interesting and can’t wait to just drop everything to raise his kids with another woman - it doesn’t happen in real life."

What does happen in real life: DH gets resentful and misses feeling like he's special to a woman. He meets a never married woman in her early 40s and starts up a relationship with her. She might still be able to get pregnant but doesn't use birth control because it's not likely. Then BOOM! DH has an enthusiastic woman who very much wants him, while you continue rejecting him and giving him very little affirmation. Which one of you do you think he's going to choose?

If he wants to raise a whoops baby in his 50s I’m gonna let him go do just that and laugh while I enjoy not starting over from scratch with an infant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are very lustful creatures and they are going to gravitate to women who are fulfilling their lustful needs. It’s inarguable. There are men that leave their wives and kids to go and start families with other women. You can tell yourself that situation is rare and it won’t happen to you until it happens to you. Browse through Chump Lady and the thousands of women who were cheated on and left. It’s really heartbreaking.

I would not assume your DH is not like all these other men who left their wife after many years. If there is anything you can do to help your sex life improve then you owe it to your husband to at least try and improve it.

+110000

Op, you need to open your legs and get involved with sex so that your DH feels desired. If you don't then marriage would fail and there are no excuses. You want it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends what you want. If you care about companionship, support in all ways, care, love etc, then open your legs or just split and do yourself a favor.

not going to open my legs but perfectly happy to wear a strap-on. you open YOUR legs, jack.

LOL! if your DH swings that way then sure, otherwise just divorce him or let him get pleasure outside. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure i understand this complete loss of libido. Isn’t it at least partly driven by the sex not being good and not being worth the effort? Are all the posters who are totally fine with no sex turning down amazing sex or just tired of going through the motions because it’s just not that great?

I’m really curious about this as i approach my 50s and divorce. I don’t actually know how I feel about sex, I’m definitely right in the middle of menopause, but I always thought my low interest was related to the quality of the sex and low level dislike of the person i was sharing a bed with. If he’d been amazing in bed or a likable person, would I have maintained interest all these years later?

Guess I will have the opportunity to do some research soon, but i still can’t recreate what it might be like to be 5, 10 or 15 years into someone who’s amazing in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure i understand this complete loss of libido. Isn’t it at least partly driven by the sex not being good and not being worth the effort? Are all the posters who are totally fine with no sex turning down amazing sex or just tired of going through the motions because it’s just not that great?

I’m really curious about this as i approach my 50s and divorce. I don’t actually know how I feel about sex, I’m definitely right in the middle of menopause, but I always thought my low interest was related to the quality of the sex and low level dislike of the person i was sharing a bed with. If he’d been amazing in bed or a likable person, would I have maintained interest all these years later?

Guess I will have the opportunity to do some research soon, but i still can’t recreate what it might be like to be 5, 10 or 15 years into someone who’s amazing in bed.

Meeting a new person and being infatuated with them does powerful things biologically. Really no matter what the age though I’m sure it’s more powerful when we’re young of course but I imagine in the 50s and 60s the adrenaline and those love hormones are still strong.

But that’s not really what we’re talking about. It is tougher when you’ve been with someone 25, 35, 40 years. They might be your best friend and your family…you might live them…but it’s not rare for the sex to ebb.

Sex in decades long relationships coupled with people aging is what we are mostly taking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are very lustful creatures and they are going to gravitate to women who are fulfilling their lustful needs. It’s inarguable. There are men that leave their wives and kids to go and start families with other women. You can tell yourself that situation is rare and it won’t happen to you until it happens to you. Browse through Chump Lady and the thousands of women who were cheated on and left. It’s really heartbreaking.

I would not assume your DH is not like all these other men who left their wife after many years. If there is anything you can do to help your sex life improve then you owe it to your husband to at least try and improve it.

But this doesn’t happen. Statistically this isn’t happening. People are divorcing, dating and possibly marrying other people, but for men in their mid 50s to date 20 years younger for a woman, it’s less than 1% of men this is happening to. You look this up -the census collects this type of information about. About 65 percent of heterosexual couples in America are within three years of each other. Around 80% are within 7 years of and over 90% are within 12 years. Like I said about one percent or are with someone 20 years or more apart.

And these tend to be men like Brad Pitt who are genetically and financially in the top .1 percent, these are not your average 55-year-old divorced dad suddenly starting families with 35-year-olds.

I’m sorry, but the scenario you paint isn’t really happening. People do have affairs, they do get divorced. Sexual compatibility is important and people should be motivated to work on it. But a lot of mid 50s men are going to just divorce, start over with a 30-year-old and have two more kids just as their putting two others through college. Frankly I’m in this age group and it sounds like a nightmare not a fantasy.

[Anonymous]

90% of a woman’s issue with low desire at this age is that she’s with the wrong man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:90% of a woman’s issue with low desire at this age is that she’s with the wrong man.

I do think resentment builds up over time and the loss of those hormones mean that women have less f-s to give. Maybe it’s not a bad thing for people to split.

I do think if men are after more sex, the solution is not to go out and have more kids. Then you got a woman breast-feeding, touched out, and obsessed with nap schedules and preschool selections. Did you not learn anything the first time?