Husband suddenly not interested in being a parent or spouse

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. My husband surprised me with suddenly wanting to separate this summer. I did eventually find out it was another woman, after he'd moved out. So yes, there WAS an answer beyond a vague "I feel like we grew apart" (um, did you never think to mention this before? And why were we talking, sleeping together, going on dates, etc. just as much as always? And wouldn't counseling be the obvious answer?)

The limbo really sucks. Your brain is bargaining to get your old life back. Maybe if you jump through enough hoops or if he finds the right medication, etc. I would just encourage you to take a deep breath, ground yourself, and really observe what is happening. He is not investing in the family or marriage right now. Will knowing exactly why change anything? You have enough information to take protective action for yourself and your children. If he comes around, great. But there's nothing you can do or say to get him to see the light or admit what is really going on. You can only take his actions to be what he really wants.

Lean on your support networks. Make sure your kids are supported. See a lawyer. You deserve a spouse who is all in. You shouldn't have to be a magician or a therapist to figure out why he isn't. That's on him.

If it helps, my husband's life has been falling apart pretty spectacularly after he left me. He's developed an autoimmune disorder that makes his skin fall off and causes painful throat ulcers. He's on steroids that are giving him horrible side effects. He keeps getting sick because he's immunosuppressed. Lifelong friends are keeping their distance. He bought a house he can't afford and he appears terrified of being found out. One of his teeth even fell out. He keeps telling me that he misses me and wants to text me several times a day (not in a let's get back together way, but in a see! I have feelings too! kind of way). I just gray-rock him and think, "Well that's what your girlfriend is for. . . and maybe that's why you actually try to save a marriage before you discard it." The kids are annoyed with him and hurt, and I have to explain basic concepts like "If you miss a night with the kids, make sure to make it up or else they feel rejected" to him in coparenting therapy, where his mask keeps slipping and he keeps looking like an idiot.

So yeah. Sometimes a checked out, emotionally immature person leaving you can be for the best. That doesn't make it any easier . . . I've certainly cried an ocean of tears. But I know that I was giving a lot more than I was getting, and I'm going to thrive on my own. For his part, he seems to be a poster boy for FAFO. He really wanted to be with this woman, so he followed his dlck out the door. But he didn't anticipate all the things he would lose in the process . . . closeness with his kids, reputation, freedom, clients, friends, his primary attachment figure, health, money. He actually thought he would have more free time because he thought he did SO MUCH parenting, but he was always gone on guys' trips, he had coffee with friends every morning and did happy hours every evening, went to concerts most weeks, spent all weekend mountain biking or fishing with friends. So now that he has to be the only parent 40% of the time, he is STRUGGLING.

I play my tiny violin for him.

Hugs, OP. It's not easy. You deserve a real partner. Your kids deserve a great father. But if he's going to be a man child and have a midlife crisis, there's not much you can do. That's the part that sucks the most . . . not being able to protect your kids from it. All you can do is be their safe place.

You got this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


So yeah. Sometimes a checked out, emotionally immature person leaving you can be for the best. That doesn't make it any easier . . . I've certainly cried an ocean of tears. But I know that I was giving a lot more than I was getting, and I'm going to thrive on my own. For his part, he seems to be a poster boy for FAFO. He really wanted to be with this woman, so he followed his dlck out the door. But he didn't anticipate all the things he would lose in the process . . . closeness with his kids, reputation, freedom, clients, friends, his primary attachment figure, health, money. He actually thought he would have more free time because he thought he did SO MUCH parenting, but he was always gone on guys' trips, he had coffee with friends every morning and did happy hours every evening, went to concerts most weeks, spent all weekend mountain biking or fishing with friends. So now that he has to be the only parent 40% of the time, he is STRUGGLING.

I play my tiny violin for him.

NP and my situation is similar to yours, though we do not have minor children. Yours sounds like an alcoholic. I'm pretty sure mine is as well. I barely see him and we barely communicate but the last time I did see him wow he looked like absolute hell which is satisfying. I hope you are doing well. I'm sorry for the kids (yours and mine) that they have to see their fathers make a mess of their lives but apparently neither your ex nor mine is terribly bothered about how they are affecting their kids. I do not know where I get the strength to not lose my mind but I haven't and it sounds like you haven't either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to start the divorce process because he has no reason to. If he's having an affair, he's probably not at a point where he's thinking about being in a serious relationship with her. Divorce is expensive. He'd have to find a new place to live. He'd have to pay child support for 3 kids. He'd have to have some form of custody for 3 kids that he doesn't want to be involved with right now (likely because they make him feel guilty for the affair as they are a reminder of your marriage and what he's doing to his family). Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He can keep doing whatever he wants with no consequences.

I feel like this is it.

And he knows I’m desperate to keep things normal for the kids so continues to do whatever he wants.

If I push for divorce I’m the bad guy.

Don't push. Do.

The guy moved out of the marital bedroom, won't tell you what's going on, or address it in therapy, is ignoring his kids and has basically become a different person in the last 6 weeks. Stop begging and crying and talking and offering sex and start focusing on you and your kids. I realize you are reeling right now. That is natural. But you're at the point where the oxygen masks have dropped and you have to put yours on in order to help your kids.

At the next marriage counseling session I'd introduce the idea that you think something is medically wrong and think he should go to a doctor. Push back on his crap. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

And what is your excuse? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision? Your shock can only last so long- it sounds like it's been a month now. What exactly is going on down in the basement? Others have suggested checking out his phone/laptop/you could install a nanny cam in the basement etc etc. You have literally done nothing. Please make a plan. Make sure you collect evidence or protect yourself financially.

At your next therapy appt, state the obvious- that you are worried something organic/physical is going on and you want to rule that out before giving up. But if he isn't going to follow up and rule out issues/he doesn't care, then the next topic is the children- why he doesn't even care that he doesn't care about the kids any longer. What have his responses been with the therapist on that topic? Honestly this would take up all my time in therapy in this case- discussing the impact on the kids of suddenly being ignored and disengaged. If he stays silent and your therapist continues to state the obvious- then you have to make the choice as the only engaged member of the relationship-Then you leave.

Liberate yourself. Stop waiting for liberation.

It’s been maybe two months, not years.

Does everyone go straight to spying on your spouse?

DP, but who wouldn't? Your spouse becomes a different person overnight, to include ignoring children he is usually very attentive to, and won't talk about why. I wold 100% count an affair as a strong possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

And what is your excuse? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision? Your shock can only last so long- it sounds like it's been a month now. What exactly is going on down in the basement? Others have suggested checking out his phone/laptop/you could install a nanny cam in the basement etc etc. You have literally done nothing. Please make a plan. Make sure you collect evidence or protect yourself financially.

At your next therapy appt, state the obvious- that you are worried something organic/physical is going on and you want to rule that out before giving up. But if he isn't going to follow up and rule out issues/he doesn't care, then the next topic is the children- why he doesn't even care that he doesn't care about the kids any longer. What have his responses been with the therapist on that topic? Honestly this would take up all my time in therapy in this case- discussing the impact on the kids of suddenly being ignored and disengaged. If he stays silent and your therapist continues to state the obvious- then you have to make the choice as the only engaged member of the relationship-Then you leave.

Liberate yourself. Stop waiting for liberation.

It’s been maybe two months, not years.

Does everyone go straight to spying on your spouse?

DP, but who wouldn't? Your spouse becomes a different person overnight, to include ignoring children he is usually very attentive to, and won't talk about why. I wold 100% count an affair as a strong possibility.

Of course an affair is a possibility. But it's been only six weeks, and OP describes this as a 100 percent, 180-degree turnaround in her DH's behavior that happened very suddenly. When a change is THAT sudden, it might be other things besides infidelity, but an instant assumption that it's cheating could end up preventing OP from even considering any bigger picture than that.

The "Liberate yourself!" cries are from PPs who seem not not notice, or who don't care, that it's been six weeks and this was a night-and-day change. Telling a stranger to dump her marriage based on that short a time frame and that huge and sudden a change is projecting, in a big way. She needs to tell him (when the kids are not around and he's not trying to duck into the basement) that it's "come to Jesus" time: She needs to point out to him that this is night and day, the kids are noticing, and it is damaging the marriage very quickly and badly, Then she tells him: She's already made the appointments with the doctor for a physical and a counselor (for him, not for them as a couple--yet). And it's non-negotiable. These things can be said with love and deep concern, but have to be said out loud.

Otherwise, OP, you will simply stew and fret and end up divorced anyway. If you loved the guy before this sudden turn of his, tap into that, and tell him you love him and see that he has altered profoundly in just six freaking weeks. I really would be wondering first and foremost if he was undergoing a mental health issue or possible physical issue (even if he insists he "feels fine"). Also: Anything happen around the time this began? It was the holidays-- did he spend time with a relative who's unhappy and might have triggered DH to be dissatisfied? Or something happened at his job and he hasn't told you about it? Or other upheaval in his family, his work, his friend circle, which could push a guy into depression? Worth at least considering. And DCUM, I am not denying cheating happens, I just know that it's nuts for anyone to tell a stranger "I know 100 percent this is cheating" when you don't know the people IRL. And that's been said on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's not having an affair, he is depressed. He needs individual therapy stat.

He doesn’t seem depressed. He seems angry. But who knows. I can’t force him to go.

Depression commonly presents as low level anger and irritability in men.

But it doesn't commonly present as working out daily. That's affair presentation.

OP, you know it's true. Time to get your ducks in a row. Stop crying - do the 180.

I'm so sorry. BTDT and never want to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

And what is your excuse? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision? Your shock can only last so long- it sounds like it's been a month now. What exactly is going on down in the basement? Others have suggested checking out his phone/laptop/you could install a nanny cam in the basement etc etc. You have literally done nothing. Please make a plan. Make sure you collect evidence or protect yourself financially.

At your next therapy appt, state the obvious- that you are worried something organic/physical is going on and you want to rule that out before giving up. But if he isn't going to follow up and rule out issues/he doesn't care, then the next topic is the children- why he doesn't even care that he doesn't care about the kids any longer. What have his responses been with the therapist on that topic? Honestly this would take up all my time in therapy in this case- discussing the impact on the kids of suddenly being ignored and disengaged. If he stays silent and your therapist continues to state the obvious- then you have to make the choice as the only engaged member of the relationship-Then you leave.

Liberate yourself. Stop waiting for liberation.

It’s been maybe two months, not years.

Does everyone go straight to spying on your spouse?

DP, but who wouldn't? Your spouse becomes a different person overnight, to include ignoring children he is usually very attentive to, and won't talk about why. I wold 100% count an affair as a strong possibility.

Of course an affair is a possibility. But it's been only six weeks, and OP describes this as a 100 percent, 180-degree turnaround in her DH's behavior that happened very suddenly. When a change is THAT sudden, it might be other things besides infidelity, but an instant assumption that it's cheating could end up preventing OP from even considering any bigger picture than that.

The "Liberate yourself!" cries are from PPs who seem not not notice, or who don't care, that it's been six weeks and this was a night-and-day change. Telling a stranger to dump her marriage based on that short a time frame and that huge and sudden a change is projecting, in a big way. She needs to tell him (when the kids are not around and he's not trying to duck into the basement) that it's "come to Jesus" time: She needs to point out to him that this is night and day, the kids are noticing, and it is damaging the marriage very quickly and badly, Then she tells him: She's already made the appointments with the doctor for a physical and a counselor (for him, not for them as a couple--yet). And it's non-negotiable. These things can be said with love and deep concern, but have to be said out loud.

Otherwise, OP, you will simply stew and fret and end up divorced anyway. If you loved the guy before this sudden turn of his, tap into that, and tell him you love him and see that he has altered profoundly in just six freaking weeks. I really would be wondering first and foremost if he was undergoing a mental health issue or possible physical issue (even if he insists he "feels fine"). Also: Anything happen around the time this began? It was the holidays-- did he spend time with a relative who's unhappy and might have triggered DH to be dissatisfied? Or something happened at his job and he hasn't told you about it? Or other upheaval in his family, his work, his friend circle, which could push a guy into depression? Worth at least considering. And DCUM, I am not denying cheating happens, I just know that it's nuts for anyone to tell a stranger "I know 100 percent this is cheating" when you don't know the people IRL. And that's been said on this thread.

Oh FFS. When my ex did an abrupt 180 I wanted nothing more for it to be a brain tumor or serious health condition. Looking back there were many signs prior to the 180. The 180 change actually represented the moment he decided he wanted out but wasn't sure how to proceed. As someone who suffered from major depressive episodes during my adult life, the ONE thing I did manage to do during the worst episodes was be present, even if minimally, for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like early onset dementia, TBH

[Anonymous]

He needs to be able to open his mouth and tell you what is going on. So aggravating to have to do all the guessing and sleuthing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why men would be uninterested in their wives when having an affair…but why the kids?! Anyone know?

My own DH is doing this as well. I think he is depressed but I suppose an affair is possible. But mine also went from “superdad” to resentful dad who avoids the kids.

Have you ever been in a situation that you don’t want to be in. You made a vow before god, friends and family. To love honor and cherish, even though maybe at done time before you actually walked down the aisle you weren’t sure.

But the train kept moving so you stayed on. Then the kids came that you thought you wanted and the train kept moving so you stayed on. And then at some point it became hard. You didn’t want to hurt anyone but you didn’t want to be in it anymore.

You started wishing everyone in it with you would just disappear or just stop breathing. Then you could be out if it and no one is hurt and no one judges.

But that doesn’t happen so you find another escape. Someone that you don’t have an obligation to? So when your obligations don’t just go away or stop breathing you just put them in a box and pretend when you can that they don’t exist. Because the alternative is really messy.

2 weeks, turns to two months, to two years. At some point you if you hide long the old life falls away, you start to care less, lives become separate and move on. The old life didn’t die, it didn’t stop breathing, it’s just not a part of your new life.

The one who left isn’t feeling bad about it. They are feeling free. Time heals all even for people who don’t deserve it.

It’s not supposed to happen but it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT, OP. We were married 15 years with two kids. He had a massive midlife crisis. He didn’t have an affair but did a lot of other cliche things. He went from being dutiful and on all the time to not giving a crap and talking about his new needs. He was extremely angry and hostile. Basically, under stress his childhood trauma and other issues came out, and he cracked.

I agree that you need to mentally prepare for divorce. Get a lawyer and a therapist. He is no longer your partner. We wasted time with several couples therapists and though I wouldn’t have done it differently (had to feel I tried everything) it was pointless.

My theory is that he was always pretty self centered and for a short time identified his “self” with having a family/ being a husband, but when he realized it really involved un-selfing and being there for others he couldn’t hold it together.

Wait, no affair, addiction, or abuse, but a mid-life crisis with roots in childhood trauma, and you bailed?

The root cause ultimately doesn’t matter. If he wasn’t willing to commit to improving as a partner and father, she did the right thing.

THIS. If your partner is doing all they can to work through it, staying may be a viable option. But if they're not willing to address their problem(s), and the result is an unsustainable dynamic, leaving is self-love. The root of the problem doesn't matter. You don't get an AH pass because you have an addiction, had a crappy childhood, survived trauma, had an affair, suffered abuse... Consideration, maybe, depending on the circumstances, but you're still required to address your issues. You can't just say "I had a crappy childhood so you'll just have to deal with it."

"This is just how I am" is a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Too many pages of this thread…Has anyone mentioned to “follow the money”? Do a deep dive on your cash account and credit cards. Does this guy come home after work? Is he reachable at work? Borrow a friend’s vehicle and follow him after work. Basically, do something.

[Anonymous]

Affair. He doesn’t want to get divorced right now bc he’s not sure if the affair will last. He will only leave you when he has someone else lined up and ready to take your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Affair. He doesn’t want to get divorced right now bc he’s not sure if the affair will last. He will only leave you when he has someone else lined up and ready to take your place.

⬆️ BTW has anyone ever returned to one of these threads or posted an update to say "BTW turns out it WAS a brain tumor!!!"??

[Anonymous]

I have known a few middle aged people diagnosed with brain tumors, not 1 started working out daily and sleeping apart from spouse, that is affair behavior.

OP, he is not going to go back to being an involved dad or take ownership of the situation.

You need to step up and protect your kids. Crying and begging have not worked. Man up. And take the focus off him, you are hurting your kids. Model and teach resilience.