Reply to Husband suddenly not interested in being a parent or spouse

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm sorry OP. My husband surprised me with suddenly wanting to separate this summer. I did eventually find out it was another woman, after he'd moved out. So yes, there WAS an answer beyond a vague "I feel like we grew apart" (um, did you never think to mention this before? And why were we talking, sleeping together, going on dates, etc. just as much as always? And wouldn't counseling be the obvious answer?)

The limbo really sucks. Your brain is bargaining to get your old life back. Maybe if you jump through enough hoops or if he finds the right medication, etc. I would just encourage you to take a deep breath, ground yourself, and really observe what is happening. He is not investing in the family or marriage right now. Will knowing exactly why change anything? You have enough information to take protective action for yourself and your children. If he comes around, great. But there's nothing you can do or say to get him to see the light or admit what is really going on. You can only take his actions to be what he really wants.

Lean on your support networks. Make sure your kids are supported. See a lawyer. You deserve a spouse who is all in. You shouldn't have to be a magician or a therapist to figure out why he isn't. That's on him.

If it helps, my husband's life has been falling apart pretty spectacularly after he left me. He's developed an autoimmune disorder that makes his skin fall off and causes painful throat ulcers. He's on steroids that are giving him horrible side effects. He keeps getting sick because he's immunosuppressed. Lifelong friends are keeping their distance. He bought a house he can't afford and he appears terrified of being found out. One of his teeth even fell out. He keeps telling me that he misses me and wants to text me several times a day (not in a let's get back together way, but in a see! I have feelings too! kind of way). I just gray-rock him and think, "Well that's what your girlfriend is for. . . and maybe that's why you actually try to save a marriage before you discard it." The kids are annoyed with him and hurt, and I have to explain basic concepts like "If you miss a night with the kids, make sure to make it up or else they feel rejected" to him in coparenting therapy, where his mask keeps slipping and he keeps looking like an idiot.

So yeah. Sometimes a checked out, emotionally immature person leaving you can be for the best. That doesn't make it any easier . . . I've certainly cried an ocean of tears. But I know that I was giving a lot more than I was getting, and I'm going to thrive on my own. For his part, he seems to be a poster boy for FAFO. He really wanted to be with this woman, so he followed his dlck out the door. But he didn't anticipate all the things he would lose in the process . . . closeness with his kids, reputation, freedom, clients, friends, his primary attachment figure, health, money. He actually thought he would have more free time because he thought he did SO MUCH parenting, but he was always gone on guys' trips, he had coffee with friends every morning and did happy hours every evening, went to concerts most weeks, spent all weekend mountain biking or fishing with friends. So now that he has to be the only parent 40% of the time, he is STRUGGLING.

I play my tiny violin for him.

Hugs, OP. It's not easy. You deserve a real partner. Your kids deserve a great father. But if he's going to be a man child and have a midlife crisis, there's not much you can do. That's the part that sucks the most . . . not being able to protect your kids from it. All you can do is be their safe place.

You got this.[/quote]

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