How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

I. Was. Working. It was a work day. I was on my computer writing a document that had to go out that day. I did not have 30 minutes breaks through the day to piddle around the house. Instead I just watched while he through pile after pile of laundry on a chair where I knew it would sit until I folded it.

When I do chores around the house, I finish them. I do way more cleaning than he does. I do all the organizing and most of the tidying. I do not halfass any of these activities and expect someone else to finish them for me and then on top of it expect them to be grateful that I "got them started."

1. Your husband was also working, maybe not to “writing a document” level of exertion (lol btw) but working nonetheless
2. You didn’t do any chores to any level of completion, but you are incessantly whining about a chore that was done, objectively, good enough. (Were the clothed clean when you needed them? You already admitted this, and your husband, not you, is the reason you had clean clothes to wear on Monday.)

NP here but this is bonkers. She would have cleaned her clothes on the weekend. Why are you defending him?

There’s no evidence of that. She just repeatedly says she would have, and yet she was too unmotivated or lazy to even fold the clothes until Sunday. It’s giving off the energy of the legends in their own minds type of guys going on about how THEY would have made that catch when watching the game. Sure you would have, buddy. That’s why you’re sitting on the couch *watching* someone else do something imperfectly (the horror).

I’m defending him because the person who did NOTHING is getting a ton of support for badmouthing the person who did SOMETHING (even if the something was the bare minimum - by definition the bare minimum is still adequate) and I find it bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband isn’t an idiot. He knows that if he only does 80%, then you have to do the rest. He also knows that if he makes you the project manager of the house who has to delegate all tasks, then that makes it seem like everything he does is a favor to you.

If he really believed that it was his job to do the laundry or the dishes, then he would figure out how to do them. You wouldn’t need to have a “conversation” about it. And if you really believed that it was his job, then you wouldn’t do whatever he didn’t get done. You would assume he would figure it out. But because we live in a patriarchal society, you both internalized this belief that is actually your job, as the woman, to do the dishes. And so you are fighting about how much of it he should take over when he agrees to take it over.

This has been discussed before.

The person with the true POWER in the family, is the dysfunctional one.

And if the dysfunctional one also role models defiance and belligerence for the kids, on top of executive and communication dysfunction, they you either divorce or cut them out of everything.

PS they won’t get functional once divorced. They usually try to keep parentifying and blaming the children.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How did so many of you marry someone with ADHD? Did you really not notice any signs when you were dating? After living with a ADHD roommate in college, I could spot the signs 100 miles away and avoided these people like the plague.

We didn't. Some men magically discover they have ADHD only after they have kids and actual responsiblities outside of work. I still honestly can't decide if it's really ADHD (that somehow did not impact his ability to excel in school or make and maintain many good friendship or attend an Ivy with no special needs supports at all or spend 15 years working and functioning prior to having kids) or if he just leans into "this is just how my brain works" to get out of doing stuff as a dad because like a lot of men he has an allergy to taking care of another person.

Like if you have ADHD wouldn't you have a history of neglecting your own care or things that impacted you in the past. Wouldn't there have been some red flag that you could look back on and say "oh that's why I struggled so much with XYZ as a child or young adult." But with my DH and it seems like many others they *thrived* before kids and had no trouble paying bills and keeping themselves fed and clothed and maintaining social lives and excelling at work. But suddenly when they are 35 or 40 and they are married with kids simple things like grocery shopping or laundry or taking a kid to the doctor are just too hard for them and they get overwhelmed and forget stuff constantly and don't finish things and don't notice things. And then it's "well I have ADHD. This is just how I'm wired."

Is it or is the whole thing a ruse to get out of stepping up. I truly don't know at this point. I give up.

This is where the paternal grandmother step in, and tells you he never brushed his teeth without a reminder, he never picked up after himself and she gave up, he never kept track homework- oh well, he never apologized or talked about issues.

But she won’t. She still amazed he managed to get married. She knows his idiot side too well. But simultaneously hopes and maybe even believes, he finally got his act together once married.

lol. Sure.

But I know my DH wasn't like that as a kid. He was valedictorian of his high school class. And while I don't think his mom made him cook or clean at all growing up I know he brushed his teeth. He taught himself to cook in his 20s and is actually really good at it. He was not low-functioning as a kid or young adult at all -- he was high functioning and highly successful even once he moved out of the house and was on his own.

Yet as a father the idea that he would remember to make his kids' lunches AND turn in the permission slip is like asking him to do rocket science. Actually worse because incredibly smart and probably could have studied rocket science and done well. But remembering the kindergarten teacher's name and that we are supposed to send in classroom snacks the third week of February as it says on the calendar post on the refrigerator is too much.

Lots more types of intelligence than Book Smart.

I’d take Street Smarts over academics any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:How did so many of you marry someone with ADHD? Did you really not notice any signs when you were dating? After living with a ADHD roommate in college, I could spot the signs 100 miles away and avoided these people like the plague.

We didn't. Some men magically discover they have ADHD only after they have kids and actual responsiblities outside of work. I still honestly can't decide if it's really ADHD (that somehow did not impact his ability to excel in school or make and maintain many good friendship or attend an Ivy with no special needs supports at all or spend 15 years working and functioning prior to having kids) or if he just leans into "this is just how my brain works" to get out of doing stuff as a dad because like a lot of men he has an allergy to taking care of another person.

Like if you have ADHD wouldn't you have a history of neglecting your own care or things that impacted you in the past. Wouldn't there have been some red flag that you could look back on and say "oh that's why I struggled so much with XYZ as a child or young adult." But with my DH and it seems like many others they *thrived* before kids and had no trouble paying bills and keeping themselves fed and clothed and maintaining social lives and excelling at work. But suddenly when they are 35 or 40 and they are married with kids simple things like grocery shopping or laundry or taking a kid to the doctor are just too hard for them and they get overwhelmed and forget stuff constantly and don't finish things and don't notice things. And then it's "well I have ADHD. This is just how I'm wired."

Is it or is the whole thing a ruse to get out of stepping up. I truly don't know at this point. I give up.

This is where the paternal grandmother step in, and tells you he never brushed his teeth without a reminder, he never picked up after himself and she gave up, he never kept track homework- oh well, he never apologized or talked about issues.

But she won’t. She still amazed he managed to get married. She knows his idiot side too well. But simultaneously hopes and maybe even believes, he finally got his act together once married.

lol. Sure.

But I know my DH wasn't like that as a kid. He was valedictorian of his high school class. And while I don't think his mom made him cook or clean at all growing up I know he brushed his teeth. He taught himself to cook in his 20s and is actually really good at it. He was not low-functioning as a kid or young adult at all -- he was high functioning and highly successful even once he moved out of the house and was on his own.

Yet as a father the idea that he would remember to make his kids' lunches AND turn in the permission slip is like asking him to do rocket science. Actually worse because incredibly smart and probably could have studied rocket science and done well. But remembering the kindergarten teacher's name and that we are supposed to send in classroom snacks the third week of February as it says on the calendar post on the refrigerator is too much.

No one is “high functioning” living as a working single person in an Apartment. That’s easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, here's what I looked for in a future husband. It's not really about knowing how to cook or about being able to take care of a single adult's apartment chores. Those things can be learned. But these things really matter:

LOTS of executive functioning capacity. Tons.

No sign of ADHD or ASD-- excellent social skills, better than mine.

Not self-indulgent, disciplined, holds self to a high standard in how to treat others.

Plus zero verbal communication or conflict resolution issues.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you were gone for three weeks all this 20% work would get done, especially if there was a weekly housecleaner he had to prepare for. So it’s NBD, just him working on a different timetable than you.

Does his timetable include kids? Because that is often when a couple gets "out of sync" over household tasks-- when they have kids. Kids multiply the work while reducing the time you have to do it. So if pre-kids you often took a week to put away laundry or only put the dishes away when the housecleaner was coming so that she could deep clean the kitchen, it was NBD because the rest of the time you were working or socializing and who cares with there's some partially completed tasks around the house.

With kids the math is different. There's twice as much laundry and if you don't fold it and put it away, you're spending every morning picking through the pile of clean laundry trying to get your kids dressed for school. If you never actually finish the dishes there aren't enough dishes for a single meal featuring the entire family. You have to make lunches on the edge of the counter not covered by dishes. You can't finish that last 20% in the morning because you're helping a toddler get dressed and doing a school run. And you can't bank on doing it on Saturday morning because the kids have soccer or swim.

This is when women start getting frustrated because having kids forces women to function at a higher level-- more efficient, more multi-tasking, keeping track of more tasks and schedules. But many men expect their lives to operate exactly the same as before. They are convinced that if their approach to chores and schedules was working okay pre-kids, well it must still work. But it doesn't and this puts even more pressure on moms to over perform. This is how DH becomes another child to be managed. And that kills intimacy and breeds resentment. And then the DH wonders why his wife never wants to have sex anymore and why she always seems annoyed with him.

Kids change things but fir some reason a lot of men are determined to prove this wrong.

Or…you can put your husband in charge of dressing the kids, making the dinner, cleaning, etc. I did this simply by getting the higher paid job and leaving the house early and coming home late.

Result with a delinquent husband:

Late children
Pizza
Screen time
Sickly unprepared children
Homework waits for Mommy
Missed sign-ups
Unknown teachers and friend names
Lost coats, water bottles, gear, bags
Red and pink colored laundry
Piles of stuff everywhere in the house

Late to surgery? That’s a big deal. Late to Gymboree? Who cares?

Pizza? They’re kids! It’s fine!

Screen time? Wake up and live in the now, woman, kids are going to have screen time. It’s not the end of the world.

Sickly unprepared children? Wut?

Teach your kids to do their own homework, duh.

Missed sign-ups are indeed a problem.

Do the kids know the names of their teachers and friends? Yes? Great, that’s all that matters here.

Kids lose stuff, no matter how much their mommies try to micromanage their lives. Accept this inevitability and move on.

Red and pink laundry is more likely to happen to the mommies who claim it only take 1-2 minutes to start a load of laundry.

Piles of stuff in the house? Say it with me: WHO CARES?

Seriously, most of you would have happier marriages and happier lives if you would just unclench and treat your spouse like a partner you care about rather than an adversary to complete with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband isn’t an idiot. He knows that if he only does 80%, then you have to do the rest. He also knows that if he makes you the project manager of the house who has to delegate all tasks, then that makes it seem like everything he does is a favor to you.

If he really believed that it was his job to do the laundry or the dishes, then he would figure out how to do them. You wouldn’t need to have a “conversation” about it. And if you really believed that it was his job, then you wouldn’t do whatever he didn’t get done. You would assume he would figure it out. But because we live in a patriarchal society, you both internalized this belief that is actually your job, as the woman, to do the dishes. And so you are fighting about how much of it he should take over when he agrees to take it over.

This has been discussed before.

The person with the true POWER in the family, is the dysfunctional one.

And if the dysfunctional one also role models defiance and belligerence for the kids, on top of executive and communication dysfunction, they you either divorce or cut them out of everything.

PS they won’t get functional once divorced. They usually try to keep parentifying and blaming the children.

There’s more than one type of dysfunction. Rigidity and black-and-white thinking are also dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

I do this and I have ADHD. I feel awful about it and I’m not sure why I do this, it’s just exhausting. When I am medicated I can actually follow through. It’s super strange.

[Anonymous]

I'm as petty AF and will not take on work left behind for me (I do far more than my share to start with)

- leave dirty clothes around the laundry basket? they go in your sink. I'll get them out of the way but you still have to put them in your basket like you always did
- leave shoes all over the place for everyone to trip over? i'm tossing one into a random spot, have fun finding it. we have had this for 10 years, I can't bellieve it hasn't gotten DH to put his shoes in the rack, but it gives me an outlet for my rage about it
- leave dirty dishes on our shared desk? they're going in your nightstand. thats full from the ones already put there? then they're going in your night stand (its right next to the desk)
- leave gross pans you didn't feel like scrubbing in the sink? cool - i'll get them out of my way by putting them on your fancy pan rack dirty
- leave a random trail of trash, dishes, things you actually need, empty cans around the house? you'll find it all in a box in your closet to sort through

I've given up asking. We've gone in circles around this for years and I have decided to just get things out of my way and move on. When he asks why I can't just have his shoes in the middle of the floor I point out we have 5 people in our house, i'm not going to pick up 5 peoples worth of shoes or trip over a pile of 15 shoes in the doorway. Our 3yo has learned to put his shoes on the rack, DH is capable of it too even if he chooses not to

[Anonymous]

Here’s a Riddle:
How can a parent who leaves crumbs and debris everywhere monitor, teach and enforce a child to have good habits?

He can’t. And won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We view this much differently in our house. We look at tasks as a team and we work together on them. DH will carry the dirty clothes down to the washer, wash and dry, and place them in a space to be folded. I generally fold the piles and ask everyone to put their own folded clothes away. We each play a role and no one is angry. DH will fold when I’m overwhelmed with work. I will wash and dry when he’s traveling. It’s a team. No bean counting. I don’t see why people are so upset about folding laundry. Is it really that important?

Looking at the big picture, if your spouse hates folding, then just fold the laundry as a gift to them. I don’t like mowing the lawn, blowing leaves, or detailing cars. DH does those tasks without complaint.

It sounds like you each have your agreed-upon roles. That's a system I think works well. What doesn't work well is when people don't have specific responsibilities for each thing, and so it's all unpredictable and the DH views anything he does as "help" or a favor to his wife, rather than a commitment he agreed to.

Or when the DH is just really lazy and doesn't keep his commitments, then acts aggrieved when called out, that doesn't work either.

Yes for this system to work you need both partners who are willing to "own" tasks and just do them without being asked or reminded. But some men hide behind the idea of "we both do everything" and no one really owns any particular task. And this means that if they do part of a task then they should get credit for doing it at all even if their spouse finishes it (but for some reason doesn't get credit for finishing it because for some reason finishing an open task is viewed as "easy"). And if they don't do a task at all then that's okay too because after all their spouse can do it.

If you are married to a mature person who doesn't have a problem with taking responsibility for themselves and their home and children this can work well but if you are married to someone who is mostly looking to get out of doing stuff without getting in trouble (an adolescent approach to life) then an egalitarian "we both just pitch in until things are done" approach can give them a lot of cover for claiming to be doing 50% when they aren't. It really is how teenagers often approach chores -- halfassing them or pretending they didn't see it or didn't hear you ask them to do it or claiming "well I cleaned my room LAST week and now you're mad I didn't do it this week -- that's not fair!"

It is simply a question of maturity and responsiblity.

Just wait until your kids are teenagers pulling this same thing and your DH is STILL doing it and then they play off each other.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have a DH who likes to claim he "did 4 loads of laundry today" when he's working from home but what he actually did was move 4 loads of laundry through the machines and then pile them all on a chair in the living room where they will stay for days unless I give up and fold them first. I've told him that I don't really consider myself to have done a load of laundry until it's put away and he was like "oh you're too hard on yourself -- I think just getting it cleaned is an accomplishment."

This would break me.

The hardest part of laundry is folding it and putting it away after. If you don't fold it right away then it's wrinkly and you have to look at each thing and decide to fluff it or iron to make it look decent.

Finding a massive unwashed pile of clothing in the hamper is preferable to encountering a mystery stack of wrinkled but clean clothes.

PP here and yes I totally agree. I thought of this example reading OP's post because last week we were both working from home on Friday when he did this and it was a genuine source of stress for me to watch that pile grow throughout the day. I said something to him about it ("maybe we shouldn't do anymore laundry today as it's going to take a while to get through all the folding") and he was like "don't worry about it -- I want to get through all the washing first." The pile sat there all weekend until finally I broke down on Sunday and folded it. I didn't fluff or iron anything because I just refuse but it took me a full hour and I was very irritated. But if I say anything he'll be like "I can't believe you are mad at me for doing the laundry."

It sounds like “we” didn’t do laundry that day… HE did laundry and “we” weren’t involved until you did YOUR share and folded it… an entire week later. I’ll bet HE didn’t complain, though.

Well I was working and didn't have time to fold four loads of laundry that day -- I was working. Turns out he also didn't have time to fold the laundry either because he didn't. Anyone can just move laundry through the machines during little breaks between calls or whatever -- this takes maybe a minute or two per load. So he spent 10 minutes doing laundry on Friday and I spent an hour folding and putting away laundry on Sunday (2 days later not an entire week -- eventually we actually needed those clothes to wear).

Why would he complain about this. He actually thinks he accomplished something but I did more than half of the work.

LOL. Then why the heck didn’t YOU do any of it? By your own admission you were BOTH working from home and yet HE is the only one who did any laundry chores. And I guess you guys don’t sort your laundry or have any delicate or stained items if it only takes a minute or two per load to get them clean.

And finally, folding is not that difficult. Stop being a drama queen.

I didn't do laundry that day because I did not have time to fold it and put it away. I did it on the weekend when I had time to *complete the task.* I didn't want to start a chore and then leave it sitting in the middle of the living room for two days because I don't want a pile of wrinkles clothes sitting in the living room for two days.

If my DH wanted to do laundry he should have done only as many loads as HE could fold and put away that day. But he wants credit for doing the first third of the task (the easiest and least time consuming part). I could have done laundry on Sunday when I was doing stuff around the house anyway and the folded the clothes as they came out if the dryer before they got all wrinkled and I would have been no worse off. But DH wants a cookie for half assing a task and then leaving it for me to finish. He didn't help! It was inefficient and poorly done. Why should I be grateful for that?

He doesn’t want a cookie, though. He just wants you to calm down and get off his back. Your position is literally “if I had done this task I would have done it better than you!” But the fact is that you didn’t do the task! You did *nothing* but are complaining bitterly about him doing *something*!

You could have *easily* folded laundry as he was taking it out if the dryer, but you chose not to because you thought if you pouted enough he would do literally everything on HIS breaks while you did absolutely nothing on your breaks.

I. Was. Working. It was a work day. I was on my computer writing a document that had to go out that day. I did not have 30 minutes breaks through the day to piddle around the house. Instead I just watched while he through pile after pile of laundry on a chair where I knew it would sit until I folded it.

When I do chores around the house, I finish them. I do way more cleaning than he does. I do all the organizing and most of the tidying. I do not halfass any of these activities and expect someone else to finish them for me and then on top of it expect them to be grateful that I "got them started."

1. Your husband was also working, maybe not to “writing a document” level of exertion (lol btw) but working nonetheless
2. You didn’t do any chores to any level of completion, but you are incessantly whining about a chore that was done, objectively, good enough. (Were the clothed clean when you needed them? You already admitted this, and your husband, not you, is the reason you had clean clothes to wear on Monday.)

Look we found the DH who wants extra credit for doing 30% of the laundry.

Oh so no we’re to the point where sorting, washing, and drying is 30% and folding and putting away is 70%.

Do you nuts even hear yourselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know how certain churches make you go through couples counseling before they'll marry you to discuss stuff like finances and division of labor and make sure values align on parenting and stuff? First this is a great idea and more people should do it as a matter of course.

But second there should be an additional step. We should have some kind of virtual experience where you go live in a special hotel or rental for a month and approximate the demands of living an everyday life with two kids and whatever division of labor you two think you will want (dual income or SAHP or whatever). And then you live it for two weeks and see how it goes. The schedule and the extra demands and the mess of kids. If you are going for egalitarian "we split it all down the middle" -- does it actually work that way when you are assigned tasks like making lunches and cleaning the breakfast dishes and dressing a baby and toddler and then getting them to daycare. Like do you actually split those tasks pretty equitably or is one person doing both of it even though in theory you have the same work responsibilities. Likewise does a SAHP & breadwinner set up mean the same to both of you -- is it spheres of responsibility but you both come together and are present parents and contributing at the end of the day and on the weekend OR is it more like the SAHP is expected to do ALL childcare and housework and the breadwinner puts their feet up.

It's just really really hard to know for sure what this will look like before you are in it. I am someone who way overestimated how much childcare my DH would do based on him being generally pretty comfortable around kids and saying all the right stuff about sharing the load. But the reality was that he would hide in the bathroom to avoid changing diapers and he can be incredibly impatient through the toddler and preschool years where kids just need a ton of attention and help with learning how to do stuff. And very disappointingly he did not step up with chores or household stuff as I took on more and more of the parenting that he just kind of opted out of -- it's always been about 60-40 in those areas and it stayed that way even as I took on way more childcare and parenting responsibilities and we both worked. But I don't know how I could possibly have known it would go this way when we were dating or even living together or the two years post-marriage and before kids. He isn't a misogynist. He does know how to clean and cook and he does do these things. He's a "good guy" and generally respectful to me. And yet after we had kids our division of labor at home went from 60-40 to like 80-20. And to him because he's doing the same amount of stuff he was doing pre-kids he thinks that should be enough and he just doesn't seem to understand there is SO much more to do with kids.

I really don't know how you fix this. So many women in this boat and the guys are not abusive jerks or anything but also women are doing so much more at home even when working similar jobs.

I don’t know, it was pretty easy for me to spot the guys like your DH who talked the talk but wouldn’t walk the walk. I understand for many people this is hard so counseling is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

This right here is the problem. And I'm sure it applies to more than just chores. I guess he does not see you as an equal. Have you tried therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm as petty AF and will not take on work left behind for me (I do far more than my share to start with)

- leave dirty clothes around the laundry basket? they go in your sink. I'll get them out of the way but you still have to put them in your basket like you always did
- leave shoes all over the place for everyone to trip over? i'm tossing one into a random spot, have fun finding it. we have had this for 10 years, I can't bellieve it hasn't gotten DH to put his shoes in the rack, but it gives me an outlet for my rage about it
- leave dirty dishes on our shared desk? they're going in your nightstand. thats full from the ones already put there? then they're going in your night stand (its right next to the desk)
- leave gross pans you didn't feel like scrubbing in the sink? cool - i'll get them out of my way by putting them on your fancy pan rack dirty
- leave a random trail of trash, dishes, things you actually need, empty cans around the house? you'll find it all in a box in your closet to sort through

I've given up asking. We've gone in circles around this for years and I have decided to just get things out of my way and move on. When he asks why I can't just have his shoes in the middle of the floor I point out we have 5 people in our house, i'm not going to pick up 5 peoples worth of shoes or trip over a pile of 15 shoes in the doorway. Our 3yo has learned to put his shoes on the rack, DH is capable of it too even if he chooses not to

Based on the tone of your post I’d bet money that all of those behaviors are still occurring because your husband is also “petty AF”. He knows what he’s doing, and I don’t blame him. You clearly hate him.