How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?
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Anonymous
There must be some female you can pay or bully to do to for you. Whatever it is. Prepare for a house cleaner!?! |
Anonymous
Well, it is irrevocable. You can divorce, but you can't be someone who never married this person. I think looking at why you missed the signs and chose to marry him (again, you don't "end up" married, you choose to do it) will be very helpful in figuring out why you're having trouble coping with it now. |
Anonymous
I think you mean you, grandma, will be primary caregiver and housekeeper for him again once he gets divorced. |
Anonymous
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Your husband isn’t an idiot. He knows that if he only does 80%, then you have to do the rest. He also knows that if he makes you the project manager of the house who has to delegate all tasks, then that makes it seem like everything he does is a favor to you.
If he really believed that it was his job to do the laundry or the dishes, then he would figure out how to do them. You wouldn’t need to have a “conversation” about it. And if you really believed that it was his job, then you wouldn’t do whatever he didn’t get done. You would assume he would figure it out. But because we live in a patriarchal society, you both internalized this belief that is actually your job, as the woman, to do the dishes. And so you are fighting about how much of it he should take over when he agrees to take it over. |
Anonymous
This is where the paternal grandmother step in, and tells you he never brushed his teeth without a reminder, he never picked up after himself and she gave up, he never kept track homework- oh well, he never apologized or talked about issues. But she won’t. She still amazed he managed to get married. She knows his idiot side too well. But simultaneously hopes and maybe even believes, he finally got his act together once married. lol. Sure. |
Anonymous
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You know how certain churches make you go through couples counseling before they'll marry you to discuss stuff like finances and division of labor and make sure values align on parenting and stuff? First this is a great idea and more people should do it as a matter of course.
But second there should be an additional step. We should have some kind of virtual experience where you go live in a special hotel or rental for a month and approximate the demands of living an everyday life with two kids and whatever division of labor you two think you will want (dual income or SAHP or whatever). And then you live it for two weeks and see how it goes. The schedule and the extra demands and the mess of kids. If you are going for egalitarian "we split it all down the middle" -- does it actually work that way when you are assigned tasks like making lunches and cleaning the breakfast dishes and dressing a baby and toddler and then getting them to daycare. Like do you actually split those tasks pretty equitably or is one person doing both of it even though in theory you have the same work responsibilities. Likewise does a SAHP & breadwinner set up mean the same to both of you -- is it spheres of responsibility but you both come together and are present parents and contributing at the end of the day and on the weekend OR is it more like the SAHP is expected to do ALL childcare and housework and the breadwinner puts their feet up. It's just really really hard to know for sure what this will look like before you are in it. I am someone who way overestimated how much childcare my DH would do based on him being generally pretty comfortable around kids and saying all the right stuff about sharing the load. But the reality was that he would hide in the bathroom to avoid changing diapers and he can be incredibly impatient through the toddler and preschool years where kids just need a ton of attention and help with learning how to do stuff. And very disappointingly he did not step up with chores or household stuff as I took on more and more of the parenting that he just kind of opted out of -- it's always been about 60-40 in those areas and it stayed that way even as I took on way more childcare and parenting responsibilities and we both worked. But I don't know how I could possibly have known it would go this way when we were dating or even living together or the two years post-marriage and before kids. He isn't a misogynist. He does know how to clean and cook and he does do these things. He's a "good guy" and generally respectful to me. And yet after we had kids our division of labor at home went from 60-40 to like 80-20. And to him because he's doing the same amount of stuff he was doing pre-kids he thinks that should be enough and he just doesn't seem to understand there is SO much more to do with kids. I really don't know how you fix this. So many women in this boat and the guys are not abusive jerks or anything but also women are doing so much more at home even when working similar jobs. |
Anonymous
Hallelujah, he pressed some buttons on the machine to make it go!! Done and done! |
Anonymous
I was told by multiple women “that’s how men are.” (Messy, absentminded, work focused only). But mine was clinically like that and flies into rages. So no, that’s how all men are. |
Anonymous
But I know my DH wasn't like that as a kid. He was valedictorian of his high school class. And while I don't think his mom made him cook or clean at all growing up I know he brushed his teeth. He taught himself to cook in his 20s and is actually really good at it. He was not low-functioning as a kid or young adult at all -- he was high functioning and highly successful even once he moved out of the house and was on his own. Yet as a father the idea that he would remember to make his kids' lunches AND turn in the permission slip is like asking him to do rocket science. Actually worse because incredibly smart and probably could have studied rocket science and done well. But remembering the kindergarten teacher's name and that we are supposed to send in classroom snacks the third week of February as it says on the calendar post on the refrigerator is too much. |
Anonymous
I would 100% get divorced in that situation. that is bonkers. |
Anonymous
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Ok, here's what I looked for in a future husband. It's not really about knowing how to cook or about being able to take care of a single adult's apartment chores. Those things can be learned. But these things really matter:
LOTS of executive functioning capacity. Tons. No sign of ADHD or ASD-- excellent social skills, better than mine. Not self-indulgent, disciplined, holds self to a high standard in how to treat others. |
Anonymous
NP here but this is bonkers. She would have cleaned her clothes on the weekend. Why are you defending him? |
Anonymous
He'd have to do it if he were alone. Why do you stay? Honestly? |
Anonymous
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We view this much differently in our house. We look at tasks as a team and we work together on them. DH will carry the dirty clothes down to the washer, wash and dry, and place them in a space to be folded. I generally fold the piles and ask everyone to put their own folded clothes away. We each play a role and no one is angry. DH will fold when I’m overwhelmed with work. I will wash and dry when he’s traveling. It’s a team. No bean counting. I don’t see why people are so upset about folding laundry. Is it really that important?
Looking at the big picture, if your spouse hates folding, then just fold the laundry as a gift to them. I don’t like mowing the lawn, blowing leaves, or detailing cars. DH does those tasks without complaint. |
Anonymous
It sounds like you each have your agreed-upon roles. That's a system I think works well. What doesn't work well is when people don't have specific responsibilities for each thing, and so it's all unpredictable and the DH views anything he does as "help" or a favor to his wife, rather than a commitment he agreed to. Or when the DH is just really lazy and doesn't keep his commitments, then acts aggrieved when called out, that doesn't work either. |