Reply to How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We view this much differently in our house. We look at tasks as a team and we work together on them. DH will carry the dirty clothes down to the washer, wash and dry, and place them in a space to be folded. I generally fold the piles and ask everyone to put their own folded clothes away. We each play a role and no one is angry. DH will fold when I’m overwhelmed with work. I will wash and dry when he’s traveling. It’s a team. No bean counting. I don’t see why people are so upset about folding laundry. Is it really that important?

Looking at the big picture, if your spouse hates folding, then just fold the laundry as a gift to them. I don’t like mowing the lawn, blowing leaves, or detailing cars. DH does those tasks without complaint.[/quote]

It sounds like you each have your agreed-upon roles. That's a system I think works well. What doesn't work well is when people don't have specific responsibilities for each thing, and so it's all unpredictable and the DH views anything he does as "help" or a favor to his wife, rather than a commitment he agreed to.

Or when the DH is just really lazy and doesn't keep his commitments, then acts aggrieved when called out, that doesn't work either.[/quote]

Yes for this system to work you need both partners who are willing to "own" tasks and just do them without being asked or reminded. But some men hide behind the idea of "we both do everything" and no one really owns any particular task. And this means that if they do part of a task then they should get credit for doing it at all even if their spouse finishes it (but for some reason doesn't get credit for finishing it because for some reason finishing an open task is viewed as "easy"). And if they don't do a task at all then that's okay too because after all their spouse can do it.

If you are married to a mature person who doesn't have a problem with taking responsibility for themselves and their home and children this can work well but if you are married to someone who is mostly looking to get out of doing stuff without getting in trouble (an adolescent approach to life) then an egalitarian "we both just pitch in until things are done" approach can give them a lot of cover for claiming to be doing 50% when they aren't. It really is how teenagers often approach chores -- halfassing them or pretending they didn't see it or didn't hear you ask them to do it or claiming "well I cleaned my room LAST week and now you're mad I didn't do it this week -- that's not fair!"

It is simply a question of maturity and responsiblity.

Just wait until your kids are teenagers pulling this same thing and your DH is STILL doing it and then they play off each other.[/quote]

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