Who is unreasonable here: Friend A or Friend B?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend A sounds really not smart. She had an item she wanted to sell. She failed to sell it. She gave it to a friend who really wanted it.

Friend B did nothing wrong other than being friends with a judgmental incompetent who blames others for their problems.

This is a good read if you are a robot with no feelings. Otherwise, zero stars.

Friend B prioritized her desire for a free treadmill over being a good friend. She sucks, and probably was never much of a friend to begin with.

Friend A made a mistake in not seeing Friend B for the user she was earlier and freezing her out, and ultimately letting her take the treadmill (seriously, there is always a price at which you can move an item like that fast -- $50, $100, something). But, notably, Friend A is acknowledging that this was a mistake. So Team OP all the way here.

100% this.

Yeah OP, don't beat yourself up too much over this. It's water under the bridge now, so try to let it go. But also understand you can learn from this experience, recognize user personalities going forward and put up appropriate boundaries. You'll be much happier for it!
(Source: someone who has learned the same lesson. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

PPs like you are sad pathetic narcs who enjoy tearing OPs down. We know your kind. It is not about the post at all; you are here to feed your nonexistent ego. DCUM is nothing but a supply to you.
OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

I’m sorry but it is pretty ridiculous for you to expect her to help you find a buyer. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to reach out to my friends to sell something used for them.

I think you should just take this treadmill with you back home if it means so much to you.

I am a rich SAHM. DH lets me spend what I want and if I wanted this, I would have bought it from you. I don’t normally like to buy items used. I would rather buy the treadmill new. I once had a friend who was moving who had a bike and was moving. I tried out her bike and it was ok but I didn’t love it. She wanted $100 for the $500 bike. When she moved, she did not give me the bike. I would have taken it for free but she didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. She would rather take the bike than give it to me for free. We are still friends. No big deal.

Not all SAHM situations are the same. Some husbands are very controlling with how the money is spent.

I DIDN'T expect her to help me find a buyer. Our other friend pointed out that it would have been more, well, friend-like, if she had OFFERED to do that herself, knowing the buyer had withdrawn and I am spending the last day packing.

The treadmill itself isn't that important to me. The relationship with my friend was the important thing. The treadmill issue is just an episode in the friendship.

Anyway, the issue here, I see, is that I need to be less weak and more careful in choosing my friends.

The more you post, the more I’m with friend B. There was never any way she could win with you. You clearly never liked her, and that’s a ridiculous expectation btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a note for people chastising OP for buying an expensive treadmill: if you are a woman who prioritizes exercising and you live for any length of time in either an area of the world with poor air quality or an area of the world that does not culturally accommodate exercise for women it can be a real challenge. During an academic post in the Middle East I used to run the indoor stairs of my apartment building for exercise as there were no other options.

People do not understand that many expats, such as teachers, do not have Allied moving them. They are allowed barely anything to ship to a new country or the following country. Paying out of pocket to ship a treadmill is certainly more than the 2K she paid. It's a completely different story for government and oil jobs. I was in a country where we had a large expat body of oil employees. And yes, most of the wives were not working. And most were as cheap as OP's friend on small stuff but[google] leasing horses for years on end but upset if you don't buy them wine from the U.S. shop. Which we cannot do, ever. It is only for those who have the credentials.
And no, running outside in that country was not possible for a woman in the Middle Eastern country I was in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely a M Night Shyamalan quality twist when it was discovered that the author actually was Friend A!!!

Or friend A found this thread. 😱

The fact that they waltzed in without even speaking would have made me shut the whole operation down and kick them out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like a made up story, I started thinking that when I got to the part about the two ponies. I will say that it's a good made up story though! Lots of people have plenty to say about it, that's the hallmark of both a good true post and a good made up post.

DP. I doubt it. I had many expat friends like this. Kids had leased horses with fancy stables, and moms were as cheap as hell. If they are British and start looking down on you, all you do when they talk about their super-achieving kids is "Good for you." Or "Good for you that you have four sons." They know what I am saying, and I know what I am saying. Many of them are nothing more than uneducated trash and, hence, have no manners. Some have husbands who earn a lot of money but are not educated, similar to oil rig guys.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would send her a terse text or email after you move expressing that you feel she exploited the situation at the expense of your friendship. Yes, you could/should have spoken up for yourself, but a real friend would have offered at least a token in exchange to acknowledge that they're benefiting from your lack of luck in finding a buyer.

Keep it short, don't whine, acknowledge you should have said something at the time, but be pointed so that she feels some chagrin every time she gets on that treadmill!

[Anonymous]

Ponies? I think you are exaggerating the wealth difference to get us on your side. And you have exaggerated it to the extent that any opinions in your favor here aren't going to be valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ponies? I think you are exaggerating the wealth difference to get us on your side. And you have exaggerated it to the extent that any opinions in your favor here aren't going to be valid.

You will never know one way or another, but it's telling that you are trying to find a loophole to invalidate the opinions of people you disagree with. I don't have to know whether or not Friend B got her kids ponies to know Friend B is a jerk for pressuring a friend who is in a financial bind to give her a treadmill for free. It doesn't actually matter what the wealth difference is, or even that there is a wealth difference, to view Friend B's behavior as rude here. That is not a normal way to treat a friend.

[Anonymous]

It’s unclear how B found out that the planned sale fell through.

Friend B doesn’t owe A a penny of her money. Friend A sounds like an unreliable narrator.

This entire scenario reminds of the SATC episode where Carrie felt entitled to Charlotte’s money due to their friendship. Charlotte was right to tell her to pound sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

OP again. Can I just reiterate how irritated I am that she brought her husband and the two of them are now in the room with the treadmill, watching them dismantle it. He didn't even greet me; they walked past me as if I am the help. So, yeah, I guess the PP who observed earlier that the "friendship" is just one of convenience to her was correct.

Anyway, thanks for those who commented here, even to tell me I'm irresponsible (I probably am). This is something I've known I need to work on with myself (learning to back away from friendships that are one-sided). I lost my parents young (in college) and I've long had a tendency to hold onto relationships I should let go because of that, I think. I'm working on it with my online therapist. I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

OP I’m pp and just reading your next response. You described in your OP all the things you and your friend did together. You’ve spent so much time with her and nos suddenly because of one stupid situation you’re a victim. Hopefully when you calm down you can look at the situation more objectively so you don’t screw up another friendship.

Incorrect. OP did nothing wrong. Her friend is a selfish user and now OP is on the losing end of that. OP IS the victim. Only another selfish user would think otherwise.
Good riddance to friend B.

The drama. HTH do you know OP didn’t do anything wrong? She said she hung out with this woman near daily, and all of a sudden this woman is a monster and OP is a helpless victim? She said she was eager to visit OP after she left. If OP can’t self-reflect, she’s going to make the same mistake again. It takes two to tango.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you found a buyer and leave it behind. Seriously. Yes, it’s petty but she sounds like a witch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

Wow they sound pathetic. She brought her husband to help close the deal. He’s proud of her for getting something out of you. I used to be an expat too, many Americans are expats because nobody is missing them here in the US.

[Anonymous]

OP how was it at the end? Hope the support of this group helped you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once friend B wasn't willing to pay your price, I would have ended all conversations about the treadmill with her.

Unfortunately you continued to engage with her and agreed to let her get her way. You didn't have to do that.

I would've cut off all treadmill conversations with her as soon as I realized she was trying to take advantage of the situation.

I’d probably tell her that a buyer popped up at the last minute and donate it.

[Anonymous]

Don’t feel like reading 10 pages of responses, so maybe these have been mentioned already. But I have two thoughts:

1). What’s the point of masking your identities only to come out as “Friend A” halfway through the post?

2). People dramatically underestimate the degree to which things depreciate once used unless there is an established resale market in which comps can be established (Kelley blue book for cars, etc.).

I always advise people who are about to buy expensive furniture: “If you spend $50K on this and attempted to sell it six weeks later, you would be lucky to get $10K. If you’re OK with that, then proceed.”