DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't let these people gaslight you into thinking you are wrong for wanting relations with your wife.

In marriage each of you have a monopoly on the other person's intimate life. It is wrong for the person who has the monopoly to cut off access.
Every woman on this thread, in their heart, knows its wrong and the shaming language is just simply gaslighting.

9 time out of 10 when a wife give all these excuses about how the husband just isn't romantic or didn't do the right thing to get her in the mood is just making excuses for the simple fact that she isn't attracted to you and that is not your fault. It is a universal phenomenon that women want sex before marriage, but once they get what they want (wedding + baby) they no longer want sex. They blame the man but it is mostly their biology and attitude. The husband no longer excites them because they were using sex as a means to an end and once they get those things they no longer need to use sex.

Moreover, there is a simple fact that women say they want a nice domestic man that takes care of kids and does housework but not really.
What they want is the "beauty and the beast" fantasy where there is a big scary brooding man (also rich) that nobody but them can tame but she can tame him because she is more special than any other woman. What the "beauty and the beast" fantasy doesn't show is what happens after Bell marries the beast.... once he starts being nice he isn't big and scary anymore she doesn't get excited by him and she cuts off sex. She starts thinking about how she should have married Gaston. she then starts picking little fights with the beast because she knows he is domesticated and will not bite her. eventually she cheats with Gaston and when the beast finds out she tells him its his fault because he didn't fulfil her emotional needs.

I was ready to roll with the casual man/woman stereotyping - because that's how we roll around here. But the extended Beauty and the Beast metaphor just got weird.

Yeah, weirdly accurate!

[Anonymous]

If he were at least amazing in bed and didn't have a huge gut that looks like he's pregnant, then I might want it more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

Jesus Christ. I relate to this post.

I am resentful of the “I could take it or leave it” blazé nature my wife has about something men need to feel connected in marriage. We typically have sex, at best, like once a week. I’m 45, if that helps.

Even then, it’s me initiating. It feels like a chore on her part. It wasn’t this way dating.

Part of me thinks this infrequency and low drive is due to myriad factors: manipulative control, part boredom, part lingering resentments that can’t be let go.

I am a good dad. Do half the chores and things she doesn’t want to do (so for all those chiming in that there is an emotional imbalance or inequitable duty split please don’t).

I wish women fundamentally understood how important physical connection is for men. I know “no one is entitled to anyone’s body”, but also that there is a reasonable expectation of semi frequent sex. For me that would be once a day lol, but I could style for twice a week. Anyway, it is what it is. It’s not a dead bedroom, but really she doesn’t hug me or touch me of her own volition. When we do have sex she is into it and comes. We have toys. It’s just so sporadic. Where are these wives that are clamoring for sex and desperate that post on here? Are you all real? Or are those troll posts? Women just seem to give much less of a fk about sex.

This is a tale as old as time. Nothing will change. Therapy is a fking expensive joke, when realistically if a partner wants the other they will show it. It’s something that I wish was more freely shared. It costs nothing and is so healthy.

Anyway, tear me apart! I mean the horror of what I said is an affront in this era I know. That there is some marital obligation to provide intimacy to your spouse.

Do you dress well? Groom? Exercise regularly? Keep fit with no beer gut, etc? Have a life?

All of the above. Yes. I get both ends of this issue. I get people not being into it. But I also understand that is a biological need.

Honestly, Elon Musk is working on sex robots or whatever. At some point, the two sexes will probably decamp and just rely on each other for procreation and guys will just bang the cyborgs from Ex-Machina. Honestly, all men want is someone nice, low drama and attractive.

Women are eclipsing men anyway in education. Fking Gen Z men barely have sex as it is and are losing interest in dating. I kind of get it. They care more about their phones, like playing red dead redemption 2, lack of finances from underemployment. Also, it’s a bum deal. Online dating has fked them into oblivion. Women want the “best” 10% of men anyway and have unreal expectations.

Women, in this brave new future, will be fine having a super great time talking to each other about Taylor Swift, clothes and what not. They won’t really need men. They won’t babysit them or constantly complain about them.

I guess we’ll see how it all pans out. The earth needs a lower population anyway. A future where men fk hot robots and women have great careers and nice jewelry seems like a win win for all.

You think that a world where men fk hot robots instead of actual women is a win? I just cannot understand why your wife isn't tearing your clothes off every night.

[Anonymous]

[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

You write like a child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

Jesus Christ. I relate to this post.

I am resentful of the “I could take it or leave it” blazé nature my wife has about something men need to feel connected in marriage. We typically have sex, at best, like once a week. I’m 45, if that helps.

Even then, it’s me initiating. It feels like a chore on her part. It wasn’t this way dating.

Part of me thinks this infrequency and low drive is due to myriad factors: manipulative control, part boredom, part lingering resentments that can’t be let go.

I am a good dad. Do half the chores and things she doesn’t want to do (so for all those chiming in that there is an emotional imbalance or inequitable duty split please don’t).

I wish women fundamentally understood how important physical connection is for men. I know “no one is entitled to anyone’s body”, but also that there is a reasonable expectation of semi frequent sex. For me that would be once a day lol, but I could style for twice a week. Anyway, it is what it is. It’s not a dead bedroom, but really she doesn’t hug me or touch me of her own volition. When we do have sex she is into it and comes. We have toys. It’s just so sporadic. Where are these wives that are clamoring for sex and desperate that post on here? Are you all real? Or are those troll posts? Women just seem to give much less of a fk about sex.

This is a tale as old as time. Nothing will change. Therapy is a fking expensive joke, when realistically if a partner wants the other they will show it. It’s something that I wish was more freely shared. It costs nothing and is so healthy.

Anyway, tear me apart! I mean the horror of what I said is an affront in this era I know. That there is some marital obligation to provide intimacy to your spouse.

Do you dress well? Groom? Exercise regularly? Keep fit with no beer gut, etc? Have a life?

All of the above. Yes. I get both ends of this issue. I get people not being into it. But I also understand that is a biological need.

Honestly, Elon Musk is working on sex robots or whatever. At some point, the two sexes will probably decamp and just rely on each other for procreation and guys will just bang the cyborgs from Ex-Machina. Honestly, all men want is someone nice, low drama and attractive.

Women are eclipsing men anyway in education. Fking Gen Z men barely have sex as it is and are losing interest in dating. I kind of get it. They care more about their phones, like playing red dead redemption 2, lack of finances from underemployment. Also, it’s a bum deal. Online dating has fked them into oblivion. Women want the “best” 10% of men anyway and have unreal expectations.

Women, in this brave new future, will be fine having a super great time talking to each other about Taylor Swift, clothes and what not. They won’t really need men. They won’t babysit them or constantly complain about them.

I guess we’ll see how it all pans out. The earth needs a lower population anyway. A future where men fk hot robots and women have great careers and nice jewelry seems like a win win for all.

You think that a world where men fk hot robots instead of actual women is a win? I just cannot understand why your wife isn't tearing your clothes off every night.

Very sorry you didn’t like my predictions on how human sexuality might evolve with the advent of sultry sex robots! This thread deserves a higher caliber of post! The readers demand it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

You write like a child

You write like a wounded, dying animal just lashing out in anger.
-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

Love*

Both are using the wrong thing to gauge love, sex or $

If you use these 2 things to gauge love, get help

Well, OP literally said that he is upset that he isnt understood, so it isn’t only sex.

If love isn’t understanding another person, providing physical affection, or spending your time/money on someone, then what is it?

How do you show people you love them, pp?

Nope.

Here is the deal if you don’t understand that life is not sex and money you need deep intense therapy, not a 1 sentence explanation on a website.

I don’t think you know what it means to love.

People need to feel understood and/or physically touched in order to feel loved.
If you cannot understand or empathize with someone and you cannot provide any kind of loving touch, then you cannot love.

Still not sex.

Love actually doesn’t require all of those things. People have spouses who need to be gone, or are sick, or are having mental health issues. Does not stop love.

Yes it does. Love requires at least some of those things.
People who are away are often sending money to their spouse and family. They are also understanding when their spouse says they are lonely or having a difficult time.

If they are away, shutting their spouse out emotionally, and not sending any money home, then they are not being a loving spouse.

I get it money is the way you receive love but it’s not universally true and you could, with therapy, not let money control your feeling about others.

Keep telling yourself that you are being a kind and loving spouse to someone that you won’t touch and you won’t spend time or money on and that they need therapy.
The only thing they are going to talk about in therapy is why they are still with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

You write like a child

DP You write like an a$$hole! Plus, you are wrong. OP writes better than most adults. Your comment was pointless, useless and mean, you need to check yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he were at least amazing in bed and didn't have a huge gut that looks like he's pregnant, then I might want it more.

Truth

[Anonymous]

I bet she does understand how it affects you but she doesn't care. There could be an array of reasons for that. Rather than pining away for sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you why don't you focus on the reasons she no longer cares. If she's staying in the marriage for financial reasons maybe you should make sure she will be okay financially if you split up. Then you might find out if she actually wants to be married to you at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

Hire a hooker you dweeb

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

Love*

Both are using the wrong thing to gauge love, sex or $

If you use these 2 things to gauge love, get help

Well, OP literally said that he is upset that he isnt understood, so it isn’t only sex.

If love isn’t understanding another person, providing physical affection, or spending your time/money on someone, then what is it?

How do you show people you love them, pp?

Nope.

Here is the deal if you don’t understand that life is not sex and money you need deep intense therapy, not a 1 sentence explanation on a website.

I know how I love other people. I hug my kids, cuddle and have sex with my husband, talk to them about their feelings and try to understand their problems, do nice things for them that I think will make them happy.

If you don’t do any of these things for people you love because touch, empathy, and money do not equal love, then what do you do?

If 1 is missing you don’t stop loving them. Your kids will move out and you won’t hug them but you will still love them.

I know that a lot of people had crappy childhoods, but this isn’t true.
If you tell your mom that you need a hug, and she won’t hug you, and then you tell her about something you are sad about, and she won’t try to understand, then she doesn’t love you.
She may have had her own crappy childhood and not be able to bond with people in that way, and that’s sad and it’s not her fault or your fault, but that isn’t what love is.

You cannot be a loving mother, spouse, friend, or anything if you cannot touch someone or empathize with them.

That’s so insane. It’s only in this recent generation that that was even an expectation. If your parent worked and gave you a roof over your head that was love.

You’ve created a these goal posts to define love that arent always attainable for decades in a relationship.

This was disproven in a number of studies post- wwii where a lot of kids were raised with a roof, but without affection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

Hire a hooker you dweeb

He could perform on onlyfans

[Anonymous]

OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet she does understand how it affects you but she doesn't care. There could be an array of reasons for that. Rather than pining away for sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you why don't you focus on the reasons she no longer cares. If she's staying in the marriage for financial reasons maybe you should make sure she will be okay financially if you split up. Then you might find out if she actually wants to be married to you at all.

If that is the case, she should not have an issue with DH going outside the marriage to get his sexual needs met. If she either won't work with him to fix it or if she won't let him go elsewhere, she should have no problem with a divorce.