DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having someone not want to have sex with you is one thing but I get the feeling that OP is missing all the other stuff just as much. Having someone who wants to kiss you with more than a peck, missing someone who wants to feel your skin at night, missing someone that used to rest their head on your chest when you watched TV, where did that chick go that used to dance around me when I washed dishes?
Buddy I was in your position and in a fairly short amount of time I have turn things around.
Oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin are severely lacking in your relationship and your wife is likely overloaded with cortisol from the neediness that you are blasting at her all day long. Your job is to find out which one of the above chemicals your wife thrives on, if she’s serotonin then you take her on adventures, if she’s oxytocin you become nothing but a world of love and support without ever asking for anything in return, if she’s dopamine you’re going to want to take her ask throwing or perhaps to the gym with you. Agreed about which activities far off hormones and then apply it to her.

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her, I cannot stress this enough, comedians have a rule about going out on a laugh, you must leave your wife with a higher mood than you find her, make her laugh in the morning, turn on your heel and walk out the door! Raise your vibration, be upbeat, confident, happy and above all positive.

She’s not the woman you fell in love with and you definitely aren’t the man she fell in love with so it’s time for you to go back and be the guy who flooded her with all those amazing chemicals. It’s going to take about a month of consistency to start seeing change but it will come if you are doing this from a truly noble place. I sense some contempt in your writing and that will poison everything so really sit and think if you want her, if the answer is yes then you have your direction, if you’re even a little bit on the fence then doing this work will make you angry and frustrated and it will blow up on your face.

Op this is great advice. Do all that. and also

1. Apologize and ask if there was something you did maybe she will just tell you
2. Cleaning yourself up and looking well groomed is attractive
3. Sabotage some easy to fix things around the house that she will have to ask for your help fixing. Something you can do like difficult to reach light bulb. Or put her fav things out of reach. Insinuate that she can repay you for your help (key word insinuate, don’t ask outright)
4. Wait til she goes to sleep then turn the thermostat down low at bedtime. Oh she needs you to stay warm? You have needs too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

We both enjoy sex but the frequency ebbs and flows. When it's ebbing (we're busy, stressed out etc.) I still do other "things" (I won't get explicit so as not to be banned or deleted) that may or may not happen in the shower to give him... attention. And if I need to give myself attention at another time if he's busy then so be it. But going completely sexless and being oblivious of your partners need for that connection is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having someone not want to have sex with you is one thing but I get the feeling that OP is missing all the other stuff just as much. Having someone who wants to kiss you with more than a peck, missing someone who wants to feel your skin at night, missing someone that used to rest their head on your chest when you watched TV, where did that chick go that used to dance around me when I washed dishes?
Buddy I was in your position and in a fairly short amount of time I have turn things around.
Oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin are severely lacking in your relationship and your wife is likely overloaded with cortisol from the neediness that you are blasting at her all day long. Your job is to find out which one of the above chemicals your wife thrives on, if she’s serotonin then you take her on adventures, if she’s oxytocin you become nothing but a world of love and support without ever asking for anything in return, if she’s dopamine you’re going to want to take her ask throwing or perhaps to the gym with you. Agreed about which activities far off hormones and then apply it to her.

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her, I cannot stress this enough, comedians have a rule about going out on a laugh, you must leave your wife with a higher mood than you find her, make her laugh in the morning, turn on your heel and walk out the door! Raise your vibration, be upbeat, confident, happy and above all positive.

She’s not the woman you fell in love with and you definitely aren’t the man she fell in love with so it’s time for you to go back and be the guy who flooded her with all those amazing chemicals. It’s going to take about a month of consistency to start seeing change but it will come if you are doing this from a truly noble place. I sense some contempt in your writing and that will poison everything so really sit and think if you want her, if the answer is yes then you have your direction, if you’re even a little bit on the fence then doing this work will make you angry and frustrated and it will blow up on your face.

Op this is great advice. Do all that. and also

1. Apologize and ask if there was something you did maybe she will just tell you
2. Cleaning yourself up and looking well groomed is attractive
3. Sabotage some easy to fix things around the house that she will have to ask for your help fixing. Something you can do like difficult to reach light bulb. Or put her fav things out of reach. Insinuate that she can repay you for your help (key word insinuate, don’t ask outright)
4. Wait til she goes to sleep then turn the thermostat down low at bedtime. Oh she needs you to stay warm? You have needs too.

Or just...do it without her asking.

And didn't we just spend 12 pages talking about repayment is not a turnon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

Friend, get yourself on Zoloft, you will not regret it. The urge for sex will disappear and you will be set free.

[Anonymous]

Dude just get an escort or divorce. Life's too short to be unhappy

[Anonymous]

I'm not in a sexless marriage but I don't really desire my husband. He's gained 100+ pounds during our marriage and I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I feel shallow saying this but it's true. Maybe if he was trying to lose weight it would be different, but he binge eats all the time, never exercises, and refuses to try the weight loss drugs. Yet I'm the cold hearted wife for not initiating sex more or desiring him more. We still have sex about 1x/week bc I know it's important to him and I do love him. I'm just frustrated that he has let himself go completely and doesn't make any effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.

Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.

[Anonymous]

Been in a sexless marriage for five years and just gave the boot to the therapist as DW has zero interest in sex anymore and stated that while she loves me that she's good with a platonic marriage. If it wasn't for the kids, I think it would be over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been in a sexless marriage for five years and just gave the boot to the therapist as DW has zero interest in sex anymore and stated that while she loves me that she's good with a platonic marriage. If it wasn't for the kids, I think it would be over

"I love you but I'm not *in* love with you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been in a sexless marriage for five years and just gave the boot to the therapist as DW has zero interest in sex anymore and stated that while she loves me that she's good with a platonic marriage. If it wasn't for the kids, I think it would be over

Cool story! Now tell us about your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been in a sexless marriage for five years and just gave the boot to the therapist as DW has zero interest in sex anymore and stated that while she loves me that she's good with a platonic marriage. If it wasn't for the kids, I think it would be over

"I love you but I'm not *in* love with you."

Heard that garbage from my wife as well