Parents being flippant about inheritance - is it a trend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

Yes. Believe me, those of us who do not have families like that are well aware of this, and how disadvantaged we are. Thank you for rubbing it in our faces.

Look, I can be the first to take offense and this post doesn't strike me as someone who is "rubbing it in" your face.

Really? What was their intent then? Did the pp think that those of us who don't have parents/families like this are completely unaware?

DP--I imagine the intent of the post is to answer the question posed in the OP-- and to suggest that, no , it not a trend or typical for parents to make heartless comments about inheritance. It really doesn't read as "rubbing it in" to me.

Agree. I saw this more as a suggestion that there are other approaches/models out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

So this attitude is usually 100% from the family members who are takers. The ones who needed “a little help” aka fund my vacation to travel or whatever. The givers are not pleased but until they learn to stand up to the takers, the takers will perceive it’s just utopia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

So this attitude is usually 100% from the family members who are takers. The ones who needed “a little help” aka fund my vacation to travel or whatever. The givers are not pleased but until they learn to stand up to the takers, the takers will perceive it’s just utopia.

Really? That may be the case, but not in all instances.

[Anonymous]

I worked for 50+!years to support myself until I died, and raise my kid.

Now that they are grown, they face the same obligation/responsibility I did.

My job with supporting then is OVER. It is selfish/spoiled and entitled to think a non-disabled adult deserves some share of the hard earned savings of their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked for 50+!years to support myself until I died, and raise my kid.

Now that they are grown, they face the same obligation/responsibility I did.

My job with supporting then is OVER. It is selfish/spoiled and entitled to think a non-disabled adult deserves some share of the hard earned savings of their parents.

To be fair, in OP's case they are talking about parents who also received an inheritance. So OP's parents also did not earn that money. It's still entitled, but the parents are being entitled too, which is probably where OP gets it from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents got inheritance and who knows what happened to it. They both still have money but given how they are I don’t expect anything.

DS recently told us that his GF and her mom and 2 siblings had been homeless for a period after her parents separated. Then he told us that his GF's mother's family had had substantial money for generations, but her mother's parents didn't work, spent all that they had inherited, and could not help their own daughter in this crisis.

Gosh I don’t know I would not be very happy about him having this girlfriend

What? She graduated top of her class with a generous merit scholarship to college and she’s a delightful young woman. Why would we be unhappy?

Bad family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to tell us when we were kids not to expect an inheritance because she was going to spend "every damn cent!"
It's not like we asked...but we were told that frequently even as little kids.
Like your family, my parents inherited a lot of money after all of us kids were grown with families of our own. My parents retired and spent, spent, spent. Multiple luxury vacations every single year, brand new luxury cars, expensive remodels on their house, etc.
Not one single penny to their kids.
Meanwhile I saw my aunts and uncles spending their inheritance taking THEIR kids (my cousins) on nice family vacations, helping them with down payments on houses, etc.

It does hurt, but there's nothing we can do except try to be different towards our own kids.

I hear you, PP. My in-laws are like that - and then they're wondering why no one in our family wants to be 'close' to them. Well, what goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked for 50+!years to support myself until I died, and raise my kid.

Now that they are grown, they face the same obligation/responsibility I did.

My job with supporting then is OVER. It is selfish/spoiled and entitled to think a non-disabled adult deserves some share of the hard earned savings of their parents.

"Hard-earned savings' are one thing. Money that fell into their laps, 'hard-earned' or not by their relatives, that they're hoarding like they're going to live to 300 is another.
But you do you. But don't complain when your grown up child who you kicked out of the house and forgot about won't be willing to show up for you when you get old and sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worked for 50+!years to support myself until I died, and raise my kid.

Now that they are grown, they face the same obligation/responsibility I did.

My job with supporting then is OVER. It is selfish/spoiled and entitled to think a non-disabled adult deserves some share of the hard earned savings of their parents.

To be fair, in OP's case they are talking about parents who also received an inheritance. So OP's parents also did not earn that money. It's still entitled, but the parents are being entitled too, which is probably where OP gets it from.

We have no idea if OP’s parents are entitled.

They simply accepted funds that were gifted to them.

OP is posting this while his/her parents are still alive. Sweating out how “her” inheritance is doing. Not cool at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to tell us when we were kids not to expect an inheritance because she was going to spend "every damn cent!"
It's not like we asked...but we were told that frequently even as little kids.
Like your family, my parents inherited a lot of money after all of us kids were grown with families of our own. My parents retired and spent, spent, spent. Multiple luxury vacations every single year, brand new luxury cars, expensive remodels on their house, etc.
Not one single penny to their kids.
Meanwhile I saw my aunts and uncles spending their inheritance taking THEIR kids (my cousins) on nice family vacations, helping them with down payments on houses, etc.

It does hurt, but there's nothing we can do except try to be different towards our own kids.

I hear you, PP. My in-laws are like that - and then they're wondering why no one in our family wants to be 'close' to them. Well, what goes around comes around.

Oh, they need to cough up money if they want their children to be close to them in old age?

How transactional can you get!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worked for 50+!years to support myself until I died, and raise my kid.

Now that they are grown, they face the same obligation/responsibility I did.

My job with supporting then is OVER. It is selfish/spoiled and entitled to think a non-disabled adult deserves some share of the hard earned savings of their parents.

"Hard-earned savings' are one thing. Money that fell into their laps, 'hard-earned' or not by their relatives, that they're hoarding like they're going to live to 300 is another.
But you do you. But don't complain when your grown up child who you kicked out of the house and forgot about won't be willing to show up for you when you get old and sick.

Who said anything about kicking anyone out if the house.

The expectation is for an adult who was gifted a college education with zero debt support him/herself through employment afterwards.

That is harsh or normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

So this attitude is usually 100% from the family members who are takers. The ones who needed “a little help” aka fund my vacation to travel or whatever. The givers are not pleased but until they learn to stand up to the takers, the takers will perceive it’s just utopia.

I suppose that could be the case. But not one of us is a taker in my family. We are not wealthy; we all have had ups and downs both financial and emotional. And if we were down and lifted up, we repay the kindness. Having read some of the responses here, I feel extremely fortunate despite not being rich. My parents would never say what OP posted. Maybe we are an exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

So this attitude is usually 100% from the family members who are takers. The ones who needed “a little help” aka fund my vacation to travel or whatever. The givers are not pleased but until they learn to stand up to the takers, the takers will perceive it’s just utopia.

I suppose that could be the case. But not one of us is a taker in my family. We are not wealthy; we all have had ups and downs both financial and emotional. And if we were down and lifted up, we repay the kindness. Having read some of the responses here, I feel extremely fortunate despite not being rich. My parents would never say what OP posted. Maybe we are an exception.

Possibly not. We were raised similarly and I know other families who operate in the same way. My parents would never say what OP posted nor would my FiL, but my MiL does fairly frequently. My guess she has heard others say it and thinks its funny, but has no sense on how it lands, especially for one of her kids who has a much more tenuous hold on the middle class life that MiL has never had to worry about.

[Anonymous]

My MIL said she was going to spend everything. I smiled and thought “I hope you get the timing right”.

In the end dementia took her and she had plenty of money left. I’m sad that her last years were so difficult for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to tell us when we were kids not to expect an inheritance because she was going to spend "every damn cent!"
It's not like we asked...but we were told that frequently even as little kids.
Like your family, my parents inherited a lot of money after all of us kids were grown with families of our own. My parents retired and spent, spent, spent. Multiple luxury vacations every single year, brand new luxury cars, expensive remodels on their house, etc.
Not one single penny to their kids.
Meanwhile I saw my aunts and uncles spending their inheritance taking THEIR kids (my cousins) on nice family vacations, helping them with down payments on houses, etc.

It does hurt, but there's nothing we can do except try to be different towards our own kids.

I hear you, PP. My in-laws are like that - and then they're wondering why no one in our family wants to be 'close' to them. Well, what goes around comes around.

Oh, they need to cough up money if they want their children to be close to them in old age?

How transactional can you get!

Not the poster you are addressing. I was there constantly for my dad out of choice-I loved him. I dealt with countless issues and mom losing her mind. I went through many tantrums from her to get her to accept help so he could be away from her rage and she could get a break. Since he has passed every time I visited and did anything for her she started doing her inheritance dance of constant threats and manipulations. So did the oppositive of what she was trying to get from this, I distanced. I have a job, kids, husband with health issues, my own health issues and it was becoming truly toxic. How many times do I have to say, "do what you want with your money, but please stop bringing it up." It's disturbing, rude and inappropriate. If you chose to be so obnoxious with the money talk then there are consequences. It is so freeing not to hear that talk anymore. I see her less and has soon as she starts up, I leave. Money does not entitle anyone to be rude.