Parents being flippant about inheritance - is it a trend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever has money to pass down. But I think it’s a larger trend across generations of putting yourself first. People don’t want to care for elderly parents in their homes. People with money feel like they should spend it on things they enjoy. People in general now spend more money on things like luxury items, travel, etc., than people did in previous generations. It’s not just the elderly—it’s everybody putting their own mask on first and establishing boundaries etc. most people aren’t going to give up on a vacation to Europe so that they can leave an inheritance for their kids or so that they can buy a bigger house with an in law suite. That’s just not how people think anymore.

Hmmm, I do think this is a more recent trait/phenomenon. There was about a decade difference in ages between my parents and my ILs. My parents were shaped by the Depression/WWII and my ILs too young to remember WWII. My parents, who had far less money than my ILs, were fairly thrifty and definitely had a sense of sacrifice based on how they grew up during the Depression and the war. My ILs, especially my MiL, are definitely not that way, including my MiL bragging that she plans to spend it all as "you can't take it with you." DH is not that way and am grateful. I hope we can leave money for our children and we plan our lives with the hope that will be possible.

I had one cousin snort away her trust fund, and another had a very extended adolescence spent flying himself around in his private plane until his dad was ready to hand over the reigns of the family business, and then my cousin ran it into the ground. Not exactly success stories. Other relatives of mine continue to be beholden to their elderly dad, because he buys them things like jobs and houses, and they want to stay in his good graces to get his money. As a result, their marriages have an extra member and elderly dad guides their lives. I don't think this is at all healthy!

I'm reminded of what Bill Gates said, "I'll leave them enough to do something, but not enough to do nothing".

If your kid is a ne'er do well drug addict then I get not leaving them anything.
If your kid makes it clear that they hate you, ditto.
If your kid is a nice, normal person, which mine are, I can't see not leaving everything to them. I hope they remember me when they use it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever has money to pass down. But I think it’s a larger trend across generations of putting yourself first. People don’t want to care for elderly parents in their homes. People with money feel like they should spend it on things they enjoy. People in general now spend more money on things like luxury items, travel, etc., than people did in previous generations. It’s not just the elderly—it’s everybody putting their own mask on first and establishing boundaries etc. most people aren’t going to give up on a vacation to Europe so that they can leave an inheritance for their kids or so that they can buy a bigger house with an in law suite. That’s just not how people think anymore.

Hmmm, I do think this is a more recent trait/phenomenon. There was about a decade difference in ages between my parents and my ILs. My parents were shaped by the Depression/WWII and my ILs too young to remember WWII. My parents, who had far less money than my ILs, were fairly thrifty and definitely had a sense of sacrifice based on how they grew up during the Depression and the war. My ILs, especially my MiL, are definitely not that way, including my MiL bragging that she plans to spend it all as "you can't take it with you." DH is not that way and am grateful. I hope we can leave money for our children and we plan our lives with the hope that will be possible.

I had one cousin snort away her trust fund, and another had a very extended adolescence spent flying himself around in his private plane until his dad was ready to hand over the reigns of the family business, and then my cousin ran it into the ground. Not exactly success stories. Other relatives of mine continue to be beholden to their elderly dad, because he buys them things like jobs and houses, and they want to stay in his good graces to get his money. As a result, their marriages have an extra member and elderly dad guides their lives. I don't think this is at all healthy!

I'm reminded of what Bill Gates said, "I'll leave them enough to do something, but not enough to do nothing".

If your kid is a ne'er do well drug addict then I get not leaving them anything.
If your kid makes it clear that they hate you, ditto.
If your kid is a nice, normal person, which mine are, I can't see not leaving everything to them. I hope they remember me when they use it.

This is all for show. He's spent a fortune on educations for his kids as well as houses and other perks. They will be left very well off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever has money to pass down. But I think it’s a larger trend across generations of putting yourself first. People don’t want to care for elderly parents in their homes. People with money feel like they should spend it on things they enjoy. People in general now spend more money on things like luxury items, travel, etc., than people did in previous generations. It’s not just the elderly—it’s everybody putting their own mask on first and establishing boundaries etc. most people aren’t going to give up on a vacation to Europe so that they can leave an inheritance for their kids or so that they can buy a bigger house with an in law suite. That’s just not how people think anymore.

Hmmm, I do think this is a more recent trait/phenomenon. There was about a decade difference in ages between my parents and my ILs. My parents were shaped by the Depression/WWII and my ILs too young to remember WWII. My parents, who had far less money than my ILs, were fairly thrifty and definitely had a sense of sacrifice based on how they grew up during the Depression and the war. My ILs, especially my MiL, are definitely not that way, including my MiL bragging that she plans to spend it all as "you can't take it with you." DH is not that way and am grateful. I hope we can leave money for our children and we plan our lives with the hope that will be possible.

I had one cousin snort away her trust fund, and another had a very extended adolescence spent flying himself around in his private plane until his dad was ready to hand over the reigns of the family business, and then my cousin ran it into the ground. Not exactly success stories. Other relatives of mine continue to be beholden to their elderly dad, because he buys them things like jobs and houses, and they want to stay in his good graces to get his money. As a result, their marriages have an extra member and elderly dad guides their lives. I don't think this is at all healthy!

I'm reminded of what Bill Gates said, "I'll leave them enough to do something, but not enough to do nothing".

If your kid is a ne'er do well drug addict then I get not leaving them anything.
If your kid makes it clear that they hate you, ditto.
If your kid is a nice, normal person, which mine are, I can't see not leaving everything to them. I hope they remember me when they use it.

I'm one of the PPs in support of leaving money to our children. That said, we do not plan to leave everything to them. We have bequests for our siblings as well as for our former nanny and current housekeeper. Think also for a few charitable orgs, though we tend to donate in real time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever has money to pass down. But I think it’s a larger trend across generations of putting yourself first. People don’t want to care for elderly parents in their homes. People with money feel like they should spend it on things they enjoy. People in general now spend more money on things like luxury items, travel, etc., than people did in previous generations. It’s not just the elderly—it’s everybody putting their own mask on first and establishing boundaries etc. most people aren’t going to give up on a vacation to Europe so that they can leave an inheritance for their kids or so that they can buy a bigger house with an in law suite. That’s just not how people think anymore.

Hmmm, I do think this is a more recent trait/phenomenon. There was about a decade difference in ages between my parents and my ILs. My parents were shaped by the Depression/WWII and my ILs too young to remember WWII. My parents, who had far less money than my ILs, were fairly thrifty and definitely had a sense of sacrifice based on how they grew up during the Depression and the war. My ILs, especially my MiL, are definitely not that way, including my MiL bragging that she plans to spend it all as "you can't take it with you." DH is not that way and am grateful. I hope we can leave money for our children and we plan our lives with the hope that will be possible.

I had one cousin snort away her trust fund, and another had a very extended adolescence spent flying himself around in his private plane until his dad was ready to hand over the reigns of the family business, and then my cousin ran it into the ground. Not exactly success stories. Other relatives of mine continue to be beholden to their elderly dad, because he buys them things like jobs and houses, and they want to stay in his good graces to get his money. As a result, their marriages have an extra member and elderly dad guides their lives. I don't think this is at all healthy!

I'm reminded of what Bill Gates said, "I'll leave them enough to do something, but not enough to do nothing".

This. Also for now he says he is leaving them 10 million each. I am sure a large chunk is in good dividend yielding stocks, mutual funds, etfs. They could absolutely do nothing and live off dividends in a luxurious way especially with all he has given them. His kids will work by choice only, never because they have to.

If your kid is a ne'er do well drug addict then I get not leaving them anything.
If your kid makes it clear that they hate you, ditto.
If your kid is a nice, normal person, which mine are, I can't see not leaving everything to them. I hope they remember me when they use it.

This is all for show. He's spent a fortune on educations for his kids as well as houses and other perks. They will be left very well off.

[Anonymous]

Not sure where my post went but agree the Bill Gates thing is laughable with all he has given them already. Plus they each get 10 million. There will be plenty of dividends they could live a life of luxury off of while saving the principal for the next generation. He absolutely is making it so that work will be a choice not a have to and that is fine. Plenty of people develop cancer, major autoimmune disorders and other issues where it would be such a blessing to take care of your health and not to have to worry about working to live.

[Anonymous]

My parents inherited millions, which they blew pretty fast. They even spent my college fund that my grandfather created for me. I am hoping that when my mom dies it doesn’t cost me anything.

[Anonymous]

My parents are very organized and have discussed their estate and death arrangements with us in detail. Everything has been pre-paid and they do plan to leave us money. But neither of them has a pension, my father has been retired for ten years and they travel a lot. They certainly aren't taking a "we're going to spend it all!!" attitude, but the fact is that they might have to if they live long lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents inherited millions, which they blew pretty fast. They even spent my college fund that my grandfather created for me. I am hoping that when my mom dies it doesn’t cost me anything.

PP, how did they blow it? Did they quit their jobs? Had both of them lived fairly privileged lives as children? What was their rationale for tapping the college fund?

My ILs have done somewhat similarly. They have blown through nearly all of their own savings as well as what they inherited from one of their grandparents. DH and I eventually figured out post fact that the monetary gifts that they gave us for our wedding, first house, kids were really pass throughs of money that were from the grandparents. DH's take: My parents do not owe me anything - great childhood, no student loans, etc. I am not happy, however, that they presented these as gifts from them as opposed to my grandparents. Why the obfuscation, seems weird.

And it does seem weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents inherited millions, which they blew pretty fast. They even spent my college fund that my grandfather created for me. I am hoping that when my mom dies it doesn’t cost me anything.

PP, how did they blow it? Did they quit their jobs? Had both of them lived fairly privileged lives as children? What was their rationale for tapping the college fund?

My ILs have done somewhat similarly. They have blown through nearly all of their own savings as well as what they inherited from one of their grandparents. DH and I eventually figured out post fact that the monetary gifts that they gave us for our wedding, first house, kids were really pass throughs of money that were from the grandparents. DH's take: My parents do not owe me anything - great childhood, no student loans, etc. I am not happy, however, that they presented these as gifts from them as opposed to my grandparents. Why the obfuscation, seems weird.

And it does seem weird.

Are you saying that the grandparents were living when they gave money to your husband’s parents who then passed it on to your husband as though it was from them? If that’s the case, it is definitely weird to lie about who the actual giver of the gift was.

Or had they already inherited the money and then used some of that money for you all? If that’s the case, it was their money at that point and they could use it in any way they saw fit. Money is fungible, so if the money belonged to them, it wàs theirs to choose to give to you all.

[Anonymous]

I do think it’s weird to personally benefit from an inheritance and not make some attempt to pay it forward to the next generation. Although I get that true downward mobility is real as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents inherited millions, which they blew pretty fast. They even spent my college fund that my grandfather created for me. I am hoping that when my mom dies it doesn’t cost me anything.

PP, how did they blow it? Did they quit their jobs? Had both of them lived fairly privileged lives as children? What was their rationale for tapping the college fund?

My ILs have done somewhat similarly. They have blown through nearly all of their own savings as well as what they inherited from one of their grandparents. DH and I eventually figured out post fact that the monetary gifts that they gave us for our wedding, first house, kids were really pass throughs of money that were from the grandparents. DH's take: My parents do not owe me anything - great childhood, no student loans, etc. I am not happy, however, that they presented these as gifts from them as opposed to my grandparents. Why the obfuscation, seems weird.

And it does seem weird.

Are you saying that the grandparents were living when they gave money to your husband’s parents who then passed it on to your husband as though it was from them? If that’s the case, it is definitely weird to lie about who the actual giver of the gift was.

Or had they already inherited the money and then used some of that money for you all? If that’s the case, it was their money at that point and they could use it in any way they saw fit. Money is fungible, so if the money belonged to them, it wàs theirs to choose to give to you all.

For the wedding, they were living but not able to attend. One grandparent was still alive when the first house was purchased.

What we learned more recently is that the grandparents left money for DH's parent as well as the parent's sibling. Both had two kids each. The grandparents specified to their two children to give X amount to each of the four grandchildren at certain milestones. DH learned about this from one of his cousins, then later learned that his parents reimbursed themselves for these sums from the inheritance when both grandparents were deceased. DH learned about this when helping his parents with their finances and they were showing pages of paper work.

His parents never said, "Oh, this is a gift from your grandparents." They said it was from them. That seems weird to me, but it may also be hitting that way as it would be the diametric opposite of how my parents would ever handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think it’s weird to personally benefit from an inheritance and not make some attempt to pay it forward to the next generation. Although I get that true downward mobility is real as well.

so agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think it’s weird to personally benefit from an inheritance and not make some attempt to pay it forward to the next generation. Although I get that true downward mobility is real as well.

What do you mean by the second part of your post? How can someone who inherited millions be downwardly mobile?

[Anonymous]

His parents never said, "Oh, this is a gift from your grandparents." They said it was from them.

That is really awful behavior. Were they angry with grandparents in any way, or are they just selfish people?

Dh and I own some investment property and have told our two teenagers that it will be theirs once we pass on, 50/50 and if they manage it right it will be a great source of passive income.

My ILs have a trust they refer to as being passed on to DH and his 3 sibs equally, but we have no idea how much is involved. My own parents haven't quite paid off house but let me and my sister know that everything they own is ours, 50/50, once they pass. However, I have no designs on any of these inheritances as both sets of parents are still alive and in my case, they are well. Dh's parents are 82 and 84 and his mom has dementia and his dad can't really care for her anymore. Likely they will use assets to pay for in home care or a nursing home.

I consider my parents' current home and assets a fund for their future care. Dh and I have the attitude of not expecting anything but if we do, it'll be gravy. We have done well and are blessed without needing any assistance from either set of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where my post went but agree the Bill Gates thing is laughable with all he has given them already. Plus they each get 10 million. There will be plenty of dividends they could live a life of luxury off of while saving the principal for the next generation. He absolutely is making it so that work will be a choice not a have to and that is fine. Plenty of people develop cancer, major autoimmune disorders and other issues where it would be such a blessing to take care of your health and not to have to worry about working to live.

It is worse than that. He set up a Charitable Lead Trust. His assets go to charity for a set period of time - usually 20 years. After that time, the money goes to whomever he lists in his trust (most like his kids) and his estate doesn't pay estate taxes. So his kids technically aren't directly inheriting the money they are getting it through the charity. IIRC, the charity has to distribute a percentage of the money donated over that time but if the donated money is invested wisely, it will generally come back into the family at about the same amount it went out.

Most of the uber wealthy like Buffet, Zuckerberg, etc. have a portion of their estates set up this way.