Parents being flippant about inheritance - is it a trend?

[Anonymous]

My parents don’t have a penny to leave me but I’m self-made rich. I’m totally baffled by people who spend it all. How can you really think it’s “yours” when it was a generational gift?

I hope my kids see it that way when they inherit from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. ”

My parents also say this and I find it hurtful and small minded. It’s in line with their “toughen up, we’re not going to help you” mindset, so I long ago understood that I should never expect anything from them. But now that I’m a parent I can’t see being so harsh and controlling with my kids. I mean, why wouldn’t I want to do kind and thoughtful things for people that I love, including financially if possible. Needless to say, we really don’t have much of a relationship anymore.

You are reacting to your young children who are dependent on you. Your parents are reacting to adult children who are not dependent on them but who are no longer grateful for their sacrifices.

The fact that you do not have a relationship with them tells them that you lack filial piety and do not want a relationship with your parents when they can not give you material things or provide labor to you by keeping house or looking after your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents don’t have a penny to leave me but I’m self-made rich. I’m totally baffled by people who spend it all. How can you really think it’s “yours” when it was a generational gift?h

I hope my kids see it that way when they inherit from me.

They won’t. They will think that you were an atm machine made for their use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All through her life, my mom raged that her father was an idiot who squandered all his money and died broke.

Predictably, decades later my mom squandered all her money like an idiot and died broke.

She did right by me. She paid for my education and I always got everything I needed. Still, it is painful to think of all the money she worked very hard to earn getting pissed away in her final years.

I am determined to break this family tradition of squandering all the money and dying broke.

Ha ha! You do not feel bad about the fact that she died. You feel bad that she did not pass anything to you, when in fact she paid for your education.

Did she live with you in her final years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents don’t have a penny to leave me but I’m self-made rich. I’m totally baffled by people who spend it all. How can you really think it’s “yours” when it was a generational gift?h

I hope my kids see it that way when they inherit from me.

They won’t. They will think that you were an atm machine made for their use.

Well I guess that’s why generation skipping trusts exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same but my in laws once sat us down at great length to tell us that some money they were putting in a trust was going to be in my husbands name, not mine, they didn’t want to end up supporting me and my new husband har har, etc.

I mean of course they are putting it in dhs name, my parents would do the same, I would do the same for my kids. I would not have had one single thought about it (and would have assumed it was the case if they hadn’t specified) because it’s so routine. However, I thought it was weird and kind of rude to tell me in such great detail about the decision and their many reasons and it’s kind of the same with your parents, op. They should do it hat they want with their money but it seems pointless to say it (especially repeatedly!)

They didn’t want you and your AP to kill their son for the money!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I always tell my parents and my MIL that they should spend their money to enjoy their retirement, that they have earned the opportunity to travel and enjoy life and we value them being happy and fulfilled. And we mean it. I don't want our parents scrimping and saving in old age to leave us everything. What is the point of that? We are still young and working and smart with money. We had only the number of kids we could afford to raise and send to college without help, we live within our means and have a good life. I don't want my parents giving up something important to them to help us out.

BUT if they made jokes about spending it all so we couldn't have it, I would find that small-minded and offensive. Not because I feel entitled to the money, but because it's just a rude, weird thing to say. "Haha it's all mine and you can't have it" is childish and petty. It makes it sound like they resent having had kids and the money they spent on them. I would think less of them for this.

I agree. My parents are very self sacrificing and they have done a lot for us. They are also very fair and give us things equally. We are looking after them but it is hard to see them aging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people are just self-focused. Assume you and your siblings are all gainfully employed and no extenuating circumstances, your parents probably feel that they've earned it and deserve some indulgence.

It's fine as long as they're responsible about planning for their care so the money doesn't run out.

It is jarring to hear that from them though, b/c the underlying message is that they don't care about the kids that much.

+1

I would call it self absorbed, but yes, this. OP, if you expect an inheritance of any kind, you are considered greedy - and if you plan to "take it with you" you are also greedy, so you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

As long as the elders don't show favorites, that is the important part.

My parents are subsiding my brothers lifestyle and when I suggested that the inheritance might reflect the fact that currently my sister and I live within our means and don’t regularly hit my parents up for money I was also labeled as greedy and selfish so there’s that

[Anonymous]

We’re in our early 60s and early retired and have a net worth of just over $7 million. We’ve taken very good care of our now adult children - college educations, weddings, down payments all covered, plus literally hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of free and excellent child care (none of our kids have ever had to pay a dime to a nanny, sitter or day care - and that’s enough for them. They’re not chomping at the but waiting for us to croak, and they don’t begrudge us spending however much we want on whatever we want.

If things go well, they should end up with some amount of inheritance, but if they don’t I’m quite sure they’re not gonna trash us on an anonymous website.

Your generation amazes me. It’s never enough. You always want more.

[Anonymous]

It seems hypocritical to me, but what can you do? Nothing. The most you could do is gently note that “it’s great Pawpaw and Meemaw left you such a big sun for you to enjoy now!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re in our early 60s and early retired and have a net worth of just over $7 million. We’ve taken very good care of our now adult children - college educations, weddings, down payments all covered, plus literally hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of free and excellent child care (none of our kids have ever had to pay a dime to a nanny, sitter or day care - and that’s enough for them. They’re not chomping at the but waiting for us to croak, and they don’t begrudge us spending however much we want on whatever we want.

If things go well, they should end up with some amount of inheritance, but if they don’t I’m quite sure they’re not gonna trash us on an anonymous website.

Your generation amazes me. It’s never enough. You always want more.

Absolutely +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I always tell my parents and my MIL that they should spend their money to enjoy their retirement, that they have earned the opportunity to travel and enjoy life and we value them being happy and fulfilled. And we mean it. I don't want our parents scrimping and saving in old age to leave us everything. What is the point of that? We are still young and working and smart with money. We had only the number of kids we could afford to raise and send to college without help, we live within our means and have a good life. I don't want my parents giving up something important to them to help us out.

BUT if they made jokes about spending it all so we couldn't have it, I would find that small-minded and offensive. Not because I feel entitled to the money, but because it's just a rude, weird thing to say. "Haha it's all mine and you can't have it" is childish and petty. It makes it sound like they resent having had kids and the money they spent on them. I would think less of them for this.

Completely agree with your second point, and your first. Your attitude is refreshing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people are just self-focused. Assume you and your siblings are all gainfully employed and no extenuating circumstances, your parents probably feel that they've earned it and deserve some indulgence.

It's fine as long as they're responsible about planning for their care so the money doesn't run out.

It is jarring to hear that from them though, b/c the underlying message is that they don't care about the kids that much.

+1

I would call it self absorbed, but yes, this. OP, if you expect an inheritance of any kind, you are considered greedy - and if you plan to "take it with you" you are also greedy, so you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

As long as the elders don't show favorites, that is the important part.

My parents are subsiding my brothers lifestyle and when I suggested that the inheritance might reflect the fact that currently my sister and I live within our means and don’t regularly hit my parents up for money I was also labeled as greedy and selfish so there’s that

Uh no kidding! I’m currently in my 30s with young kids but I’d be PISSED if my kids were like “what happens when you’re dead?”

[Anonymous]

It does seem a bit unfair that they benefitted from a big inheritance but don't want you to have the same leg up. But maybe they feel like you did benefit - did they pay for your college, for example? Or help with a down payment?

Even if they did, it makes sense to be disappointed, but you can't dwell on it. Nothing is guaranteed. They could have the best of intentions to leave you a nice gift and end up having to spend it all on end-of-life care. They may intend to spend it all and die suddenly and you'll end up with more than you thought. No point in worrying about it.

[Anonymous]

It’s a boomer thing. Many boomers moved from MC to UMC. Their parents lived frugally, saved and left them with an inheritance of several hundred thousand to a few million depending on the land value of the house. This could be the start of generational wealth if they put it into trusts to be invested but instead they treat it like lottery winners.

For whatever reason, boomers are hyper competitive and fearful that someone else will get something that they won’t. They would much rather buy a sports car..even if it isn’t something they really, really want than risk having a grandchild down the line use THEIR money to buy a sports car.