Parents being flippant about inheritance - is it a trend?

[Anonymous]

I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

[Anonymous]

Most people aren’t rich and they worry about paying for healthcare and nursing homes. People don’t want to put their money in trust because they lose control over it. Kids don’t want to care for sick or disabled parents - and rightly so. So unless you are more than comfortable, you’re not leaving much of anything behind. Knowing that your dollars are going to be spent on healthcare and when they run out the state will pay means there is little incentive not to use your savings to do things you didn’t earlier in your life because you didn’t have money. The only real exception I can see is if you have a kid with special needs that you want to put money in trust for.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to tell us when we were kids not to expect an inheritance because she was going to spend "every damn cent!"
It's not like we asked...but we were told that frequently even as little kids.
Like your family, my parents inherited a lot of money after all of us kids were grown with families of our own. My parents retired and spent, spent, spent. Multiple luxury vacations every single year, brand new luxury cars, expensive remodels on their house, etc.
Not one single penny to their kids.
Meanwhile I saw my aunts and uncles spending their inheritance taking THEIR kids (my cousins) on nice family vacations, helping them with down payments on houses, etc.

It does hurt, but there's nothing we can do except try to be different towards our own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

If you truly believe that, you wouldn't have posted this thread. Your last line is pure BS and you know it. It is ALWAYS about the money.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents got inheritance and who knows what happened to it. They both still have money but given how they are I don’t expect anything.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are probably going to call you a ghoul who is counting other people’s money but I agree with you that it’s weird! Especially if there’s no indication you are not saving for college or retirement or are living your life like you’re expecting an inheritance.

[Anonymous]

My parents aren't like this but my FIL was. Not just inheritance, but almost anything that a parent might do to support or help their adult kids or their grandkids. He'd talk about all their friends and neighbors being "taken advantage of" because they were doing things like paying for grandkids education, moving to be near their kids to help with grandkids, offering money to kids to help start business or buy a home, etc.

In every one of the cases where he felt the parent/grandparent was being taken advantage of, it was pretty clear to the rest of us that they were happy to be able to help their kids and grandkids in this way. In one case, the mom of my DH's best friend from grade school, who at that point was living alone as a widow in their small town, decided to move down to live near DH's friend and his sister to help with kids. My FIL thought this was terrible how these kids were "forcing" her to move nearby to "use" her for childcare. Meanwhile, this sweet woman (who I know fairly well and who came to our wedding and I visit with her ever Christmas) is thrilled to spend so much time with her grandkids, to be living in a suburb of a major city with better healthcare, and to be surrounded by family all the time instead of just on holidays and one week in the summer when her kids would come visit.

He would also complain about his kids "taking all my money" and once told DH that he wouldn't get any inheritance because "you and your wife make too much money to deserve it." He was a bitter, small old man, and now he's dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't like this but my FIL was. Not just inheritance, but almost anything that a parent might do to support or help their adult kids or their grandkids. He'd talk about all their friends and neighbors being "taken advantage of" because they were doing things like paying for grandkids education, moving to be near their kids to help with grandkids, offering money to kids to help start business or buy a home, etc.

In every one of the cases where he felt the parent/grandparent was being taken advantage of, it was pretty clear to the rest of us that they were happy to be able to help their kids and grandkids in this way. In one case, the mom of my DH's best friend from grade school, who at that point was living alone as a widow in their small town, decided to move down to live near DH's friend and his sister to help with kids. My FIL thought this was terrible how these kids were "forcing" her to move nearby to "use" her for childcare. Meanwhile, this sweet woman (who I know fairly well and who came to our wedding and I visit with her ever Christmas) is thrilled to spend so much time with her grandkids, to be living in a suburb of a major city with better healthcare, and to be surrounded by family all the time instead of just on holidays and one week in the summer when her kids would come visit.

He would also complain about his kids "taking all my money" and once told DH that he wouldn't get any inheritance because "you and your wife make too much money to deserve it." He was a bitter, small old man, and now he's dead.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think some people are just self-focused. Assume you and your siblings are all gainfully employed and no extenuating circumstances, your parents probably feel that they've earned it and deserve some indulgence.

It's fine as long as they're responsible about planning for their care so the money doesn't run out.

It is jarring to hear that from them though, b/c the underlying message is that they don't care about the kids that much.

[Anonymous]

You should read this.

https://www.amazon.com/Die-Broke-Radical-Four-Part-Financial/dp/0887309429

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some people are just self-focused. Assume you and your siblings are all gainfully employed and no extenuating circumstances, your parents probably feel that they've earned it and deserve some indulgence.

It's fine as long as they're responsible about planning for their care so the money doesn't run out.

It is jarring to hear that from them though, b/c the underlying message is that they don't care about the kids that much.

+1

I would call it self absorbed, but yes, this. OP, if you expect an inheritance of any kind, you are considered greedy - and if you plan to "take it with you" you are also greedy, so you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

As long as the elders don't show favorites, that is the important part.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly the same but my in laws once sat us down at great length to tell us that some money they were putting in a trust was going to be in my husbands name, not mine, they didn’t want to end up supporting me and my new husband har har, etc.

I mean of course they are putting it in dhs name, my parents would do the same, I would do the same for my kids. I would not have had one single thought about it (and would have assumed it was the case if they hadn’t specified) because it’s so routine. However, I thought it was weird and kind of rude to tell me in such great detail about the decision and their many reasons and it’s kind of the same with your parents, op. They should do it hat they want with their money but it seems pointless to say it (especially repeatedly!)

[Anonymous]

DH and I always tell my parents and my MIL that they should spend their money to enjoy their retirement, that they have earned the opportunity to travel and enjoy life and we value them being happy and fulfilled. And we mean it. I don't want our parents scrimping and saving in old age to leave us everything. What is the point of that? We are still young and working and smart with money. We had only the number of kids we could afford to raise and send to college without help, we live within our means and have a good life. I don't want my parents giving up something important to them to help us out.

BUT if they made jokes about spending it all so we couldn't have it, I would find that small-minded and offensive. Not because I feel entitled to the money, but because it's just a rude, weird thing to say. "Haha it's all mine and you can't have it" is childish and petty. It makes it sound like they resent having had kids and the money they spent on them. I would think less of them for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same but my in laws once sat us down at great length to tell us that some money they were putting in a trust was going to be in my husbands name, not mine, they didn’t want to end up supporting me and my new husband har har, etc.

My money is going into a trust for my kids so that it will be insulated from any future divorce settlements.

I will definitely tell my kids that they should keep the money separate and not commingle with marital assets, but I see no need to tell their future spouses about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same but my in laws once sat us down at great length to tell us that some money they were putting in a trust was going to be in my husbands name, not mine, they didn’t want to end up supporting me and my new husband har har, etc.

I mean of course they are putting it in dhs name, my parents would do the same, I would do the same for my kids. I would not have had one single thought about it (and would have assumed it was the case if they hadn’t specified) because it’s so routine. However, I thought it was weird and kind of rude to tell me in such great detail about the decision and their many reasons and it’s kind of the same with your parents, op. They should do it hat they want with their money but it seems pointless to say it (especially repeatedly!)

Yeah, that was rude. You're right that their actions are perfectly reasonable but their choice to share it in that way was unkind. In large part because it makes you sound like you are trying to take their money and run off with it or something when presumably you are committed to your marriage to their son. It just makes it sound like they have a very low opinion of you and don't trust you, which could have been avoided by simply saying nothing.